Different Christmas and Other thoughts

Wow I put off doing my Christmas blog and now its 4 days after... is that how long its been.. wow I guess it doesn't seem like that much time has passed.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, filled with family, love and just being there for eachother.

The Christmas with my family passed by so fast I can barely remember what happened. My sister was up from Arizona and my other sister that lives here came over in the morning and we lined up from youngest to oldest as usual... We are usually kept waiting at the bottom of the stairs just waiting to go open presents and have Christmas Pancakes with Caramel syrup, and as we open presents my Dad walks around with the camera and makes comments about the presents we open and I knew no matter what I got that for this time it was nice to be with family...I would give anything to have another Christmas where I could be mad at my Dad for putting the camera in my face or asking me stupid questions on camera...

My Dad was also very good at picking out the latest, most cool thing out, not that we needed it, but he always knew the perfect present for everyone...

This year is so different and I know it will be... But I guess it just hits during different times how much I miss him..

This Christmas we were just called upstairs, no line.. Walked upstairs and just started opening presents, present after present fast.. (we are usually given one present at a time so we can I dont know.. enjoy it more?) I think this years whole "around the tree" lasted 10 minutes if even that, we didn't even sit down to pancakes till later and by them everyone was leaving to do other things..

What is so wrong with trying to cling to something normal and familiar, to close my eyes and feel like he is still here and its not different.... its not sad around the house we dont have moments where we break down.. Its been 8 months.. Can you believe that much time has passed... where did the time go? It just flew by...

Something was definitely missing this Christmas... I am not trying to sound selfish.. I know that its not MY holiday... but its a time where you family can come together and just...be together and happy and we were for the most part... But seeing my sister tear up over seeing my Dad's things, it just tears me up inside..

Because we have lived in this house for the 8 months that he had been gone, we have lived through the pain, sadness, guilt, ALL the emotions that can be expressed... and she left a week after the funeral .. coming back here is like he's just gone, that its fresh and when its a fresh wound for her, or for the people that haven't visited in a while.. it opens up our wounds.. and it hurts all over again...

I think i'm talking about Christmas.. because no matter how much I talk about it.. He's still gone.. I will have to help my mom put up the fake tree, get everything out of the garage to put on the tree, help her ask my siblings what they want...

I guess thats part of growing up.. I just think my older siblings had it so easy, moved out right out of the house when they were 18...Because they both got jobs right out of highschool and moved in with friends and i'm still stuck here...

Alright.. sorry for that little blow up. I am trying to be more positive because...I've been feeling better about life.. No I still dont have a job and I haven't signed up for college yet.. but I feel like things are okay for now...

No idiot guys playing my emotions, just me and myself...haha Oh and pictures of Matt Dallas... Season 3 of his show came out! I still haven't watched it! So whoever wants to have a Hottie with a naughty body Kyle Xy Marathon, Let me know! :)

Oh and I am thinking more and more about just coming out to my family.. I mean other people tell me its obvious that I am gay, (is it my rainbow necklace or Rainbow shoelaces...DOnt care!) I guess I shouldn't care about what people are saying about me... But I love going to the mall and checking out guys and just... being myself haha.. I even walked over to the calender section and saw a "Dream Guys" Calender and bought it... haha..of course I cant hang it in my room but...its still SUPER HOTT! Alright now I am just babbling!

To sum up this blog... Pay attention to every holiday, every birthday or family gathering and make sure to hug everyone and just...love the time your with them because you dont know if it will be your last Thanksgiving... Last father and sons or camping trip...

I know for a fact that family can be annoying and Hellish... That they can drive you crazy and make you hate them... but your kinda stuck with them.. so just...Enjoy it while it lasts..haha..

Dont quote me on that because I will probably be annoyed with my family at one time or another and I will write comments about them on this Blog.. Just know that I still love them, I still love my Mom even tho she drives me insane with her negativity and controllingness,

Alright im done for the night..

Hope all your holidays were full of memories,

I hope your families are well,

Happy New Year! (in case I dont post again till then)

I LOVE YOU ALL! Thank you for reading!

Great Weekend With Friends! Plus my Vegas Story

Tonight I dont have much to complain about..

Got together with some friends, I like the smaller groups where we can just talk about anything.

We started off by going Egging, now I know what your thinking. Egging is hurtful and messy and just plain rude, after all my car was egged once, having been mistaken for a friends, but i'm glad it was my car and not hers.

So yesterday me and my two friends were sitting around wondering what to do, and I suggested egging, but not in the traditional sense of it. We'd go buy eggs, write funny comments, or silly faces, and leave them on their doorstep. I was nominated as the runner because lets face it, everyone likes to see the fat kid run :) I know I have the readers rolling their eyes now, :)

So we stopped at this hunks house, always the asshole in high school, the pretty boy that was always too good to befriend me.. But..He's easy on the eyes so I forgive him for being himself. We wrote out the egg, with my obvious guy handwriting saying "I Love you" But just as I was about to leap out from the car into the night up to his door, the door opened and his little brother (15 or 16 who is good looking too) came out on the porch with his friends... so we didnt get to deliver that egg...but thats alright.. haha!

We then to a couple of other houses, mild comments and one comment that made us.. "Crack" up. To my friend reading, you know which :D

I think I want to do that more often, just get some eggs and leave them on the porches, and maybe leave a note saying they had been "Egged" or something...haha it was just fun..although reading back on what I've typed doesn't do its justice. Trust me... It was good times!

We then went to the movie "Avatar" and let me start off by saying that by the commercials I wasn't too excited to see it, because I dont really like movies about aliens and other worlds, it seems too far fetched and even though I have a over-active imagination, I just...have a hard time getting into the Scifi flicks... but this movie was different!!!

It was in 3-D, and it was about a man that was in a wheel-chair that is a ex-marine. He ends up on the planet "Pandora" where he is linked to a "Avatar" this shell of one of the natives on the planet where he is instructed to gain their trust...

Well he goes and finds out their world is beautiful! ( I will let you go and see it)

I just wanted to talk about the amazing visuals of the movie! It was literally breath-taking, the new wild-life, the plants just everything about the planet amazed me! The 3-D put you with the people and it was just...beautiful! One of the greatest movies I have ever seen I think.. It did drag out in some parts..but Other then that it was a non-stop, refreshing, amazing movie!

Oh but before the movie some "Cool" kids were behind us in line and I could hear them talking about me. And maybe I asked for it (wearing red eyes and sparkle/glitter) but I mean I like looking like a vamp haha , even if people look at me weird...So I wont dwell on what they were saying and who said..Even though I thought one of them was nice... ah well..

Well its Saturday, I am babysitting tonight.. the sibs are in bed.. FINALLY

Church tomorrow....Yaaaaay.. Maybe I might actually go..

Thats the good thing (well maybe not good..) about being in the college ward... I tell The Warden I am going to the college ward and tell the college ward I am going to the home ward... Then I just drive around.. I dont know if I've already told you about this... Just another thing I shouldn't do but don't care about..

OH! I forgot! I have re-capped everyone on my Vegas Trip!

It was...alright.. The drive up was horrible.. In the back of a hot van..not so fun!

But the company was good... most of the time, Scott did whine the whole way up because he wanted me to sit by him but I wanted to sit by my friend.....Oh hells his name is Jason, I dont really like him in that way , mostly because my friend Court is in love with them.. But I just like Jason's body.. there okay I said it! haha! He's a great guy and of course I would never try anything, just another one thats nice to look at .. is that wrong ? I Dont care haha!

We got to the hotel...SO AMAZING, great rooms! Of course my roomie was Scott, and the first night there we made out...Which I know is sooooo bad! But I just...I dont know....I think back and wonder what got into me, Maybe I thought I should give him a chance... That maybe i'd be nice to have someone...But I was wrong.. The next morning he kept joining in on jokes about gay people (that our other roomies were telling) and maybe I should stop taking offense over things..

Which reminds me (I know I am all over the place tonight...Get over it! )

While at the movies this guy sitting next to me, (whom I know but I wouldnt say we are friends) Was talking about how he passed one of his classes by telling his teacher that his dad died. And the teacher believed him and passed him... It makes me sick to my stomach....

So he gets to just get away with that... say whatever the hell he wants to get a passing grade...ALright sorry... BACK TO VEGAS

The rest of the time was filled with Scott being mad at me , going to the mall, playing fun Wii games and bonding with Jason and Court... who now know that i'm gay..I hope they dont go spreading it, as much as I am proud to be gay I am not ready for my family to find out...Even though to certain of my friends its "obvious" that I am..which bothers me a little because of my family knows then they should say something so I dont have to torture myself!

Sorry this has been a WHINE fest!

My mind is just all over the place and the fact I have dance music blasting through my headphones into my skull doesnt help the thought process!

I will just sum it up to life lessons now

1. Dont ever kiss a straight guy because he wants to try out being gay...

Because things will just get worse!! And I know I am stupid for agreeing... its my fault blah blah blah..

2. When going to vegas make sure you really know who your going with...

Crazy family of a friend are never fun to deal with... And family drama + closed spaces + friends = HELL :)

3....Boys are stupid...

They just are... My list of stupid idiots...

Alex, A mistake.. How the hell could I have thought things could have been different.. It drives me crazy how bloody blind I was....Asshole...

Kyle... Another mistake... I feel for someone THOUSANDS of miles away.. So it was my fault for thinking the right guy was so far away..

Jude... What a train wreck.. after I thought I found a decent guy.. He ditches me, making me just another one night stand, making me feel lower then dirt, Thanks Jude..

Scott.. I know that I might have started this train wreck, out of control emotional mishap, but know that if I could take it all back I would..

and the next guy....

Matt Dallas, Oh I have nothing mean to say about him! Hes perfect and yummy and perrrrrrrrrfect.. and sweet....has amazing eyes... ...haha alright i'm done!

The life lesson of tonights blog, Celeb Crushes like Matt Dallas never fail to disappoint.. just as long as you have an overactive imagination like me.. :D

I love you all! Seriously! Thank you for taking the time both in real life and in blog life to listen to what I have to say! And for being amazingly awesome! LOOOOVES!! Have a great Christmas!!!!

Also, I hope my cousin and very close friend's mom and family are doing alright..

If you ever need anything, you know my number! THAT GOES FOR EVERYONE READING! :D

-Joshua

Just For Now

The song "Just For Now" came on (by Imogen Heap) so I made it my title for this blog entry,

It kinda fits with my mood, because "Just For Now" i'm alright.

I have decided to just.. wait on relationships, because I either come on too strong or I misread things, but I am going to try not to sound depressed or be a downer this entry, but to those who know me best, know that I whine for no reason sometimes.. ANYWAY

I have had an alright week, had a Karaoke Night at Applebees, they have one every Tuesday 9-12, I love the atmosphere, everyone is either singing along or cheering, actually most people just lean in closer at their tables and talk gossip about the person singing, its just a fun place to be on a Tuesday night!

I didnt have the courage to get up and sing, but I got up there and dirty danced by the mic stand, And no one even paid attention to me, haha so I prob wont be doing that again! hahahaha

Then my DVD came, "Were The World Mine" about a gay teen in a small town in an All Boy School that signs up to be in the schools play, "A Midsummer Nights Dream" And he lands the role of Puck (No spoilers, this is basically everything thats in the summary that you can find on any movie review website, never fear)

And throughout the movie he has his little fantasies of how he thinks life should be (like how a simple dodgeball game can be choreographed into a ballet, and constant fantasies about This super hott High School Jock. In the movie (Timothy) The main character, finds the potion to make the "Love Potion" that Puck uses in the play and he whips it up, he soon finds out that it really works and he makes his narrow minded town take a walk in his shoes, and see life the way he sees it!

It was soo amazing! Cheesy yes, overdone at some parts but still SOOOO AMAZING!

So I finished that and then watched Glee (the last episode) I wont say anything because I dont want to ruin it for people who haven't seen it, but it was GOOOOOD!

Except my cousin and good friend told me that she thinks the last part was a dream, and being the hopeless romantic that I am I wanted it to be true so let me know if that was real or fake because i'm dying! Just to let her know I posted a question on Yahoo Answers and I am currently blogging around to find out, because she got me thinking it wasnt real and I WANT it to be real.. haha oh wow, what a waste of time to sit wasting that on something as stupid as a very good TV show :)

You know what makes me mad!? They said they weren't doing a Kyle Xy season 4 and that makes me sad! How am I going to get my dose of Matt Dallas! I love him! I AM going to meet him one day, haha!

Oh speaking of famous people! How many of you have heard of Michael Buckley?! Ha I ask that as if someone would actually answer right now.. if you haven't heard from him go to youtube and type in Buckhollywood or WHATTHEBUCK, and watch his videos!

He is an openly gay man that lives in New York and he is this big Youtube, Twitter, BlogTv star! I have loved him ever since I started watching his videos when I first logged on to youtube (years ago) He is super funny and he always knows EVERYTHING that is going on with Celebs, he recaps shows and has hilarious, and brilliant comments about EVERYTHING going on in the world!

I befriended him on Myspace and he sent me a message which basically made my life, and I got a Twitter because everyone talks about it (all of my fave celebs) and I found out he had one and started Tweeting... Yeah I am so new to it.. I dont know what i'm doing, and if I'm even writing a message! Then I found out BlogTv, that Michael has a broadcast every Thursday and Every Sunday where you can LiveChat with him!

I joined with all the fans and talked about EVERYTHING, life, tv shows, events etc, waiting for him to get on, and he answers questions and talks to everyone. And I typed, "Hey Im new here, Love your videos, You are such an inspiration love ya!" and he looked at the screen and was like, "Hey Buck_Lovah (me lol) that was my screen name ;p and he said, "How are you doing, welcome, its good to have you here" and basically sat there and talked with all of us, He is soo cool!

So that made my night! He is super nice!!

Alright, adding on to my already awesome week, I am going to Vegas with some friends tomorrow! I am so excited to get away from home!!!! WOO!! haha

I really need to buckle down and find out what I am doing for college and get a job already, I will have to keep my eye out..

Anywhoser, I will cover this next subject very quickly so I dont bore any of you with my love problems..

Jude is history, wont talk to me, went with us to a friend outing and didnt even look at me. So I am thinking he just thought what we had a was a one-night Stand.... Which is super lame and Wrong and I hate him for it.. but anyway,

Scott told me last night that he liked me... Which was obvious says my cousin, but I guess I just figured that I should just...I dont know not make a big deal of it because he just seems so confused.. and I told him I dont want a relationship because I seriously just dont want one with anyone for awhile...

My cousin says I pulled a "Jude" on him, when I dont think thats true I mean, I just kissed Scott because he kept bothering me about trying it out, and I will admit that I like him.. But only a tiny bit, I just don't know...bleh!

Anyway so there my week, sorry for not posting forever, I wasnt really in the mood and had nothing to talk about, I will take TONS of pics in Vegas, and since I know all my readers I will probably post them on Facebook the day I get back, But till then..

Take Care, eat lots of fruits, drink a Yumberry pomegranate Sobelifewater that has been in the freezer for an hour (the best slushie EVER) and remember to SMILEEEEEE lol alright im done :)

Joshua

"You'd think that by now i'd know cuz here we go.. here go again"

WHY!!?

Why do I always drive people off? Why is it that i'm the one that is used and then throw out because the other person either "Didn't have the same feeling, not sure about feelings.." I mean how many excuses how many stupid @ss comebacks with it take for me to get it..

Don't you hate those times where your suddenly the happiest you've been in a long time and it gets snatched away not 3 days later.. Its annoying and stupid and I HATE IT!!!

Yes I am talking about Jude... Why Did I even blog about him... I feel stupid even mentioning him to anyone... I should have not said anything to anyone... Why did I think he was different? Well maybe thats how he seemed.... Or how he is different. But not into me...

Since that amazing night he's only texted me a couple times, and.. I just should have stopped trying, but I kinda felt like something was there... Hell.. I DID feel something, I like being with someone so.. amazing and understanding and...I just... HATE that I let myself think that I could have had a relationship with him..

Maybe im being over dramatic, maybe its not other people, Maybe Scott, Alex and Jude are super good people and i'm the mess.. Im the screw up, Im the one who cares to much...

Alright your probably wondering what happened with Jude.. Its not that big of deal.. like anything I talk about..

After that night he said that we could be a "together" That we just had to go on a couple of dates, and I was alright with that.. but I finally asked him how he felt about everything..

He told me that he didnt want to go on any dates because he isn't ready to be OUT yet, but you know what, when he first requested the idea of dating a little first, I was super nervous, wondering where we would go, what we would do, hold hands in public or any of that, I was worried about my family , or his family seeing us.. but then I thought "What the hell, I'll do it." Because seriously..I want to try dating too.. BUT Jude told me today he isnt ready to be OUT, and I told him that he doesnt need to..

And all he said was that he would think about it, and that he was sorry for leading me on, sorry for hurting me. SO what the hell am I supposed to do.. I get used by a complete moron (Alex)

and I think, "I guess I just wont find my someone" Then Scott (that was just his idea that I shouldnt have gone along with)

And Jude, the perfect, sweet, caring guy and I was so excited that things were finally working out. Or I thought they were working out, "Here we Go again," thinking too much into something that apparently wasnt there.. But what did I misread, the kissing, cuddling while watching a movie, the holding hands, what did I possibly misread in all of this.

I dont want to think that Jude is another Alex...but its crossed my mind.. I hate comparing the two..but they do share one common thing, being confusing about EVERYTHING.....

I guess that this is mostly my fault.. I was stupid to think that there was a decent guy out there for me... that may sound overdramatic..but hearing how Jude had to think about us, that it was obvious.. that I fell for someone that didnt want me..

Was it something I said, something I did, Was I not good enough for him? Was I not as intelligent as he thought, not as witty or humorous...I will admit that I am needy but I dont care, I just....Tend to Care WAAY to much.. It doesnt matter.. I... I was so happy that night.. and I wish I could go back and tell myself that it wouldnt last.. that it would be a temporary high,

My family keeps asking what's wrong because I sat gloomy around the house (not unusual) but ask anyone.. I was happy and smiley and just....thinking about Jude, how happy he made me and how good it felt not to be so angry or sad all the time..

I wish I could just post on facebook how i'm feeling but.. my family tries too hard to decode it and their not even close..

I just want someone to want me.. I guess i'll have to lose weight.. get muscles and look appealing before anyone will even look at me..

Whats....wrong...with..me.....

I....just.......wish...............................

that life could be fair.... that... Love could make sense and for everything to last longer...I want a happiness that LASTS......more then just a couple of days...

I........................ should just stop wanting...

thank you for reading..

joshua

Hey Jude...:D

Jude......Oh my goodness where to start...!? He is not only super
goodlooking, charming, kind, sexy..Funny...oh the list goes on he makes
me smile just by being with him, Being with him makes any sad thought
vanish completly. He is (like bella describes Jacob) "My own personal
sun" I am smiling just thinking about his grin, I can close my eyes and
see him perfectly.

I never thought id love facial hair so much, so sexy and it
suits him. One of the things I love about him is he has an opinion, a very
quirky opinion about most anything.

His house in covered in paintings he has done, AMAZING, Spectacular
works of art that are truly breathtaking..

And kissing him... Kissing him is like ....nothing I could describe, his
lips so soft and gentle, perfect. I didn't even mind the facial hair, yes it was prickly but never in the way, and it never distracted from the moment...

I was laying on him and I was trying to hold myself up and he says "Why
are u putting your weight on me?" and I was about to answer and he
adds, "it better not be because u think your fat, because you are not,
in anyway fat"

I've ALWAYS been self-conscience about how I look.. but being with him, someone that is basically my body type...its so refreshing! Not to mention that he is 20 so not much older then me.

I mean maybe getting my hopes up is stupid..but being with him...I felt
wanted, Wanted for everything, everything about me. And trust me, I want
every fiber of Jude, so amazing in every single way, every aspect..

A part of me wonders if I shouldn't be reading into this, but..How could
it not mean anything, this was stronger then Alex, it pains me to even
try to compare...because there are none, Alex is a coward, a coward whom
I wasted my time with and I can let him rot.

Jude is so much different so much better no, make him 1000 percent better
then oh what's his name....

We watched a movie when I first got there, I was so nervous, I didn't
know what to expect. But once I got there he asked if I was nervous and
I said I was, and he just pulled me close and we cuddled, he would
randomly ruffle my hair or squeeze me tight. And me laying on him,
feeling his heartbeat, so nice and refreshing.

We talked about everything, life, school, jobs. And every time our phone's would buzz and i'd sit up to let him text or whatever it was, he'd look up and grin and pull me back, saying it could wait. Time stops when i'm with him, the world doesn't matter.. The fact that I have no job, a crazy, controlling mother, everything just fades and all I see is him.

You may be thinking that I fall too fast.. But you have to understand how impossible it is to think of us is anything but together.. The night was so amazing, the connection we have is...so unique.

With Alex it was rushed, and then we said goodnight,

with Jude we kissed and just sat and cuddled, so great...hes so...great..

The only thing I am stressing is wondering if I can be the perfect guy for him too..because he is already sooo amazing.. I just hope that he doesn't realize that im not some great catch...

He messaged me and told me that we should go on a couple dates and see where those take us, I am so new to this.. He is just so great..

He isn't out to his family yet, only to some friends, same as me. I just dont where or when we'd go on a date, should I ask him out on one, I really want to but I have only been on one real date.. and it was with a girl whom I only asked because my family kept ASKING and ASKING for me to ask her, so I did. And nothing happened I mean we went and saw a movie, no biggie. I just dont know what kind of date to go on with him.. Should I ask him to dinner... But where...Dah! This is why I dont date..It stresses me out! Why cant we just be together, as simple as that, sitting on the couch just being there, feeling his heartbeat, Is he saying that we should date before.. Is he not as into me as I am into him?

So I am basically this nervous wreck now...Hoping and wishing I can be good enough for him.. Any advice from any readers would be most helpful,

Oh...I wish I could upload a picture of him, so handsome...so funny...I miss him.. I may sound needy but I really miss him.. after going a day without seeing him I cant stand it...But I guess he doesnt feel the same way.. I feel stupid texting him about nothing, but I just like to hear from him... I am a mess I know...

I do have a little bit of Alex news but I dont want to ruin this blog by continuing the idiot.. for another time.. or. not.. :)

I wish I could put it in words how happy I am, and I hope it lasts..

Thank you for reading,

Write to you later,

-Joshua

Mixed Up....

Wow this has been a confusing couple days!

Let me start off by saying that kissing Scott was a mistake, I thought "Hey if he just wants to try it, I will kiss him and things will be okay" well I was Wrong.....VERY WRONG!

So we kissed, in my car. And I will say that I enjoyed the fact that I was kissing someone my age, and it was his first time so it was kinda nice.....But after we kissed, I took him home and that was that.

A couple of days later we were supposed to be going over to my friends to watch a movie, when he told me to keep driving , (and since I made the first move last time I wanted to see if he wanted to make any moves) DUMB IDEA! What was I thinking? After all he has told me that he Likes girls and says that kissing me wont change anything because he just wanted to try it. I know it was super wrong to keep it going if I really didn't anything to happen.. Because I'm not really attracted to him, which is shallow...ANYWAY!

We pulled into a parking lot by the rodeo and starting kissing again, and then he says, "Your really making me confused" and I didnt want that, so we stopped I took him to our friends house because I had to get home, The Wardens new rules... "No fun" "Home by 12:30" blah blah blah

So on the way there he grabbed my hand to hold and says, "I still like girls..but I like the way I feel around you, I like being with you" and I pulled away and said,

"You have to face the fact that you dont want to be gay, you just "like" being with me. I have been down that road, I am sick of being an experiment... I want something real.. So we are stopping this"

And of course he protested, but what else was I supposed to do? Did I really lead him on this much? I will admit I like kissing him..but I knew it wasnt real...Ugh...

So now he says that he might be falling for me, and I just want to be friends and move on... I am not going down that road again, I wont be the friend with benefits again...

Now brace yourself for a mood change, and no I am not a manwhore...I just want to find someone like me, and I found him a couple days ago...

Hes super nice, super cute.. We have been talking since I met him, behind the scenes of a play I was watching his name is.. Jude haha, I'll name him that because that is his celeb crush.

I had known him since the Halloween dance I went to, I thought he was cute, but he was with a girl and I thought they were "together" so I didn't want to bother.. But he was so funny! The stuff he was saying... hahaha good times..

So I added him on Facebook, then finally sent him message, we have been texting for the past two days.. He is friends with Scott and asked if I liked guys, and Scott told him no.

But I quickly found out that Jude was extremely easy to talk to, and I was debating whether or not to tell him that I was gay..

He asked me who my celeb crush was and I wanted to scream "Matt Dallas" because he...is...so ....BEAUTIFUL! oh my...You dont even know.....ANYWAY, Scott was afraid that people might suspect we made out twice...which is completly dumb to worry about unless he told someone...hm..Anywhoser, Scott told me to lie and so I said, "Victoria Beckam" Because she is super pretty but i'd rather bang her husband twice.. ya know what im saying...;) okay sorry its late and if I am bein inappropriate... FIND ANOTHER BLOG TO READ! haha ooo!

Anyway and he types back "Is that your real answer..., Hm well I guess I would have pick Cate blanchett"

and I just went for it, "Actually my celeb crush is a guy named Matt Dallas..." and he sent back a quick response saying, "I have no idea who that is, but mine would have to be Jude Law"

and I wrote back saying "Oh! I love Jude Law, so sexy!"

and he writes, "So I take it we are on the same.. "Team" then?" Ha. it was just so funny how it all played out. So we have been talking and I just found out that he isnt out to anyone but his close friends, hes 20, has facial hair but I can work with that ... :) Wow I shouldn't get my hopes up..

He told me he wants a guy that can hold an intelligent conversation... but I am not smart...at alll! So thats minus points...and I am kinda loco... so thats minus more points...hm...

Just got a text from him... He wanted me to go swimming with him tonight....DANG IT! Too bad I am stuck babysitting.....LAME! I hope we can hang soon...that'd be nice..

Maybe I fall too fast... I am working on it.. But all I know is that we have tons in common..and I am super glad to have met him, even if its just as a friend.

So there you go. A kiss, meeting someone new, and falling for yet another guy...I know Im a mess... BLEH!

Thanks again for reading,

Goodnight!

-Joshua

Good Week, GREAT movie, and a kiss...still not decided..

HEY I MENTION SOME STUFF ABOUT NEW MOON, SO IF YOU HAVENT READ IT, THEN...SKIP PAST THE NEW MOON STUFF.....:) THANKS

Wow, I am in such a good mood for 2:50 A.M.!

I dont know what it is, maybe the AMAZING MOVIE! I just saw (New Moon)

Or maybe...Kissing Scott.. Yeah...

Which to tell first? I am still not sure about Scott...and I didnt really want to think much of our kiss....ing.. .. But I am just not sure!! ALRIGHT THE MOVIE NEWS IS COMING FIRST!!

I have been counting down New Moon...for SOOO LOOONG! It was so strange to wake up today and realize that the day was finally here...I kept expecting to wake up, I know that sounds cheesy but I just looove those books!

Some people think its dorky or whatever to like Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn..

But I just looooove the fact that love overcomes all obstacles, Loved the books, and I am in love with Edward! I know... another cheesy line..but I just love the fact that he loves Bella so much.. I want that.. I want someone to love me sooooo much that they would do anything for me, and I of course I would do anything for them.

And of course everyone loves Jacob Black, okay let me get this out here, I like the actor not the book character!

Yes he is super HOTT, and sexy and....yummy.......WOAH! Sorry bout that. But I just dont like how he's always in the way!! I mean what is Bella thinking even LOOKING at another guy! Edward is a friggen Vampire! Vampires are HOTT!! How could you be with Edward then when hes gone, think about a Werewolf..? I mean its just not the same... But I guess it just comes down to if you like em' hairy on not hairy... Even tho Edward in the movie had some...interesting body hair...just gonna put that out there.... Haha okay I will probably regret some of these confessions once I wake up tomorrow...or.. Later today... If I offend you in anything I say...Sorry..

But Im prob going to keep doing it, so get used to it!

Oh Feisty today I know!

Anyway, New Moon was awesome! Can't wait for Eclipse!

(will till the Scott Story after this next one, dont worry) ;)

Alright, this week has gone okay.. Even tho ALOT happened

.. My mother has all of a sudden gotten it into her mind that she wants to move.. On sunday she said, "You know, I kinda wanna sell the house, but if not then i'm okay with staying here"

Monday: "Um.. Lets clean up the house I have some people coming over to look at the house to tell me what I need to do to sell."

Tuesday: "Alright, This is our realtor, he is going to put a for sale sign out front, oh and Joshua, get ready were going to go look at houses."

Wednesday: "Alright everyone, make sure your bedrooms are cleaned, There is lady coming over to take pictures to put on the website"

Thursday: Re-fixing the cabinets and making appointments with people that want to look at the house, A couple goes through the house..

I mean what is the rush all of a sudden, is it the memories that are here ? We already remember my Dad is gone everyday, she reminds us with all the stories she tells, the old memories. Good times, dating stories... I mean I love my Dad, I hope nothing I have said in these blogs have made you think anything else.. I am just still MAD that he left.. I think to how different it would be if he had never died....

Would we be moving? Would I be so open about being gay...at least to certain family and friends, or hide it to try not to disappoint...I could go crazy thinking about all the scenarios in my mind... ANYTHING other then waking up, starting a day completely oblivious to what was coming at 11 A.M... I wish I could go back to that day, and if I couldn't stop him from leaving for work so early...Gosh...he just...woke up and left...an every day routine...why that day... Of all the days he could have died, out of all the future years that could have been coming....What did we have such little time...I got 18 years... I have very fond memories of campouts I hated going on, him teaching me how to sharpen a pocket knife or make lemon squares.. He was such a good person...he drove me crazy..he picked and jabbed at me when I didnt want to hear it...telling me that I needed to pay attention in church, keep the preisthood so I could use it in my family.... When I never listened..and I still dont want to... I know what I want...and i just..wish I could be with men and still be able to be there for my family...but I know it doesnt work like that...

I miss him so much sometimes.. I dont cry around my mom or siblings anymore...I tell myself that he was in heaven.. that i'd see him again.. I have to be strong..I have to just.. deal with it because yeah...Im crying right now.as im writing about him and remembering all the good times, and of all the fights I wish I could have taken back...things I said....but no matter how much we all cry...he isnt coming back...I'll never hug him again for a loong time.....gosh.. sorry I got way of subject...but I just wanted to let everyone know that I miss my Dad....more then I can say...And I love him...But its so hard to live when everything we do, everything my family tries to do revolves around him being gone..Every holiday we go to his grave and bring something to put on his headstone, yes its beautiful, and nice that we have a place to go to know hes there..even though we all know hes not 6 feet under...hes in heaven.. but when does dwelling with the dead become a part of living.. The hurt wont ever go away, wounds heal with time but not giant holes...Like a busted wall we can replace it, paint over it...but every time we pass it we still remember there was a hole there..To someone walking by, it would be just a wall..but to the person who knew it was there.....the hollow image...never goes away... I just wish my nieces could have had more time with him...

Alright I know I promised some juicy gossip with Scott.. But i'll have to type it another night.. my tangent has got me thinking about my Dad..and I still feel ...Not ashamed..but..hurt that I KNOW he wouldn't have accepted me being Gay.. , you may think otherwise...but I know....

Thats enough for one night....

Goodnight. I'm headed to bed. Thank you for reading,

Your friend,

Joshua

Men I fall for; (Confusing, Confused, Straight, Married, In Denial or a Celeb)

Wow! So I am in a pretty good mood! HooShaw! Whatever that means..

I dont know what has got me in this extremely good mood...? I mean i've had a sucky day..

Me and Alex haven't spoken since we got into that little spat, so just a couple days...if even that. He called me today to ask...well he didnt ask really he said, "Hey I need you to come get me from my house at 2 and drop me off at my car" And being silly , stupid me I agreed to just because.. Idk..I wanted to think he had..magically changed and he was going to be nice.. I mean we haven't spoken in months, So I went.

I dropped him off and he told me to wait to see if his car was done or else I'd need to take him to work.. I was pissed! Ha, I was mad at myself for letting him talk me into doing anything for him because , seriously, I may be a whiney baby about what happened between us... But he didnt treat me right! ya know? ANWYAY , The entire time I stared forward, music up and just answered with a nod or a one word answer. And he didnt seem to be phased, I dont like to be used, its annoying! Maybe if he would have been...IDK polite about it..then I would have been nicer, but to call me up for that.. then bam, we arent talking again...thats bull! I wish I had the courage (well I wish I was MAD enough) to send him the link to this website and put in his email, "DEAR ALEX" That would make him squirm! But..then he'd probably freak out.. SORRY! Thinking out loud..here..:)

I dont like bringing up this next guy because I dont want you all to think im this Manwhore who just likes guy after guy so quickly and blah blah blah, But like I have said before ..maybe.. "I fall hard and fast" and now that I am done with Alex.. There is a new guy that.. seems to be into me, he says he is straight but wants to try things out with me.. his name is.. Scott.. ha.. oh wow that name brought back a memory of this sexy guy that worked on our house....Scottie the Hottie....good times...

Anway! So Scott has been hinting that he wants to try kissing me, since he's never been with a guy.. And I dont think im okay with that... I want real! Not .. Experimental! ya know? Or maybe im asking too much? I know im 18 , I have plenty of time to find Mr. Right.. But its frustrating to wait!

So anyway Scott says he has been thinking about me, that he wants to spend more time with me..but you know what... I am not that attracted to him..is that totally rude? I mean sure he is nice, and good lookin, but his personality..is no bueno..! He is kinda loud, and the days I think.. "Hey maybe I could try to.." and then he says something rude to me, or insults me, or says something I disagree with. Then the "attractive meter" starts to sink lower..

And sometimes over text he will speak for me , "Come on you know we wont to try this, WE WE WE" Have I already mentioned that? Its so annoying! Wow so this blog entry seems kinda all over the place.. sorry.. I guess im not in the mood for a certain topic.. just rambling..

The only thing im looking forward to in the next couple days is hanging out with my friends, we are seeing a play, should be exciting!

Okay well sorry for this completely random entry! I might delete this over the next couple of days...

Im headed to bed,

Thanks for reading!

Headache and heartache...

I was waiting to feel that need to blog again before I made another post..

It seems like the only way I can really get the story going is if I am really mad or sad about something.. Well tonight, im all sorts of emotions... I just dont know..

Had a family trip weekend, went up to Salt Lake, so you know riding in a closed space for hours on end isnt the most fun thing to do.. But once we got there and got settled in, things were okay.

We were up there for a tournament for my younger brother, but we decided to call my dad's best friend. We met at a park and He and my mom talked for hours about my dad, They talked of good times, of sad times,

After they talked for a while, he wanted me to meet his 17 -year old daughter, that my mom made it obvious she wanted us to meet... Of course I thought it was hilarious on how much she actually looked forward for me meeting his daughter, she was pretty but I just don't roll that way ;)

After awkward forced conversation we got back in the car and headed back from the hotel, my mom cried the whole time, telling us stories of my Dad. I love stories about him, dont get back wrong, but no matter how many hours you spend talking about him, saying how much you miss him, saying that it isn't fair that hes gone... He IS gone.. for a long time! So why cry every day when we can just remember the good times, I miss him too...... I just don't worry about it every day.. maybe that makes me a bad son..

Anyway so we got on the subject of my Dad's friend, and my mom told us about his kids, the girl I met was 17, he had an older son 19, and I think she said 2 more sons that live different places, but once thing stuck out about one of the sons, she told us that one of the sons was Gay, and of course thats when I really tuned in, to test her reaction. Of course my siblings chimed right in saying how gross it was that he was gay, and the way my mom said it, "Yeah one of his sons is... Gay" It bothered me! Why was so wrong with it!!? You seemed to like him before you knew that fact! I hate that judge him right off the bat,

I mean here I am, Gay and sitting right next to her and she is basically bashing me! I just wanted to say it, "Im Gay mom!" but she wouldnt handle that, besides I wouldnt do it on a long car ride where there was time for...I dont know, for her to freak out the whole way home , I think when I do come out it will be somewhere I can walk away if she freaks out to much about it, I dont know..

Sorry most of this will just a be ramble, the fuming anger that started this blog is slowly draining.. I havent even gotten to the part about Alex.. Yeah as if the world doesn't already revolve around him, every thought wondering what the hell I did wrong!

ANYWAY! Back to the Salt Lake trip, My cousin that lives up there wanted to go to dinner with my other good friend, Shay. So the three of us load up in the car and set out to go find somewhere to eat, and I thought they already knew or at least thought I was Gay, but i guess not. We were stopped at a gas station and my window was down and this cute guy walks out, collar popped and super good lookin, and my cousin says SUPER LOUD "Fag alert.. Guys!! look! FAAAAAGG ALERT!!" I was .. ... SO mad you dont even know! I mean I don't like that word! I HATE IT! In fact! Its rude! Did she think it was okay to just say rude things like that!

I turned around chewed her out, "That was rude! and Dont call people that !" and another few choice things that prob dont look to threatening and mean in text form but I made sure my point came across that I WAS NOT okay with her being rude! Why am I surrounded by these narrow minded, RUDE, people?! And people wonder why I dont come out, my family is just filled with rude people..

OKAY FAST FORWARD! To sum up the rest of the trip, saw a bunch of hotties that I could never have, was embarrassed by my family being around me, my annoying uncle that thinks its hilarious to make me feel miserable and embarrassed.. , Ice skating by myself, blah blah

Today Alex talked to me for the first time in forever, yeah we have talked over text once or twice but I like face to face conversations, and I miss them with him..Even though when I think about it.. I really gave everything I could to him, I would have done ANYTHING for him to express the same feelings I had towards him, To actually want me for me!

Anyway so he texts me and I just... snapped.. Usually I try to keep all the feelings inside because he always tends to turn it around on me so I feel stupid and horrible for making him feel bad.. which isnt right!

So I just let him have it saying that I missed him, saying that it was b.s. that we havent talked, because I thought were close.. And of course he freaks out saying that "he is so sorry he had to deal with a dying father, and a windowed mother that he had to take care of and not to mention that he had the swine flu ! So geez my bad that I didnt have time to hang out with you , "

Okay well that is all very sad, but I let him have it right back, "Dont turn this around to make me feel like s*it! I am just saying that I miss you! I MISS YOU ALEX! But you just take that as me whining about nothing, that i just complain and complain, I LOST MY DAD TOO! I have listened and taken care of my mom for MONTHS and the hurt doesn't seem faded at all, You had time with your dad! YOU HAD TIME TO SAY GOOD BYE!! I know that doesnt make it any easier, Not at all, but you HAD HIM FOR LONGER! " and he just put that he has to be there for his mom, that he never wanted to stop talking but he still made it seem like it was my fault for acting stupid and missing him

Im just super tired of still wondering if he is going to change his mind and want me back.. . I know he wont, He is pushing me away, I guess I will give in and leave, forget about the good times, im just a needy , annoying waste right?

I keep getting messages from this guy who says he wants to experiment, that hes never been with a guy, I think I am going to avoid that at all costs, whats wrong with me!? Should I just stop trying at all ? All I want is something real, no more straight guys that want to try me out.. I wont put up with that, I thought Alex really cared... I wont make the same mistake with this new guy.. I will tell him up front I want the real thing, or nothing..

I think im done venting.. I think i've said all that I wanted to..

Thank you all for reading, it means so much that people I know and care about are taking the time to read these blog entries,

-Joshua

Giving up...on Alex

I always thought that he would suddenly realize that... what we had wasn't just some...mistake.

I truly believed that he would change his mind, Yes I should just get on with my life but I mean I shared so many firsts, how can you just walk away from that.

And even if I wanted to just forget him, he is still around, he would still be there.. so whats the point in ending it when I will see him all the time!?

My really good friend says he isn't worth my time, and I know i should believe it but I really fell...If you havent found out already I fall hard and fast....

Speaking of I thought I could finally get over Alex, so I decided hanging out with a guy that I thought maybe might be into me.. that turned out sour. I brought up that I have kissed a guy (believe me it doesn't usually come up in normal conversation) And he said that he had wanted to try but never would, saying that he was "Straight" after I told him I have kissed a guy, yeah thats right I dont keep tallies or anything, but I stand at just one..

SOOO I was watching a movie with a friend (same one that I was having the deep conversation with) and Alex texted me out of the blue.. I was almost excited because I haven't out with him , or had a conversation in what seems to be forever..

He asked what I was doing, and I replied quick and short, "Hanging with a friend" and he asked if me and my new friend were making out, and I quickly replied, wondering why he brought it up..since he usually strayed away from those questions or conversations, fearing I would bring up what he obviously wants to forget.

I said "No! He isnt like that, but I do miss...the kissing and the physical contact..." and he replied back, "Sorry cant help you with that..." and that was it... I knew then that he finally shut me out. That any small hope I still had that we would go back to our...what I thought was normal.. was now gone, and it pissed me off! Why have all those good times and then end it, are all these weeks of ignoring me a screaming message to leave him alone?

Why is he pushing me away, why now, did I do something wrong, say something!? It just boggles my mind why I cant make anything work, why love and life is so frustrating...

I know for a fact that my life would be more easy without him in it, but you can just sever that friendship... even if that friendships plans get cancelled... and someone else is chosen over me in a heartbeat when it comes to plan making..

And speaking of plans, what about OUR plans? Our "stay-overs" or weekend trips... Why did we stop all this before we had THAT? I think it will drive me crazy until he tells me to my face that he never felt anything for me..

Because I would sure as hell like to know where his mind was when we were together.. Was he thinking of someone else when I was kissing him? Did he picture someone other then me ... for everything.. .ENDLESS QUESTIONS.. ones that make me want to tear my hear out. Eating away at everything.. I just want answers,

and yes if he was ever to tell me straight to my face that what we had was nothing, that it was a mistake, then fine I will deal with that when it comes, I will at least know what happened... not sitting here feeling like an ass and typing on a endless, whining blog..

Its quiet, good ole 3 a.m., I cant sleep of course because I am depressed, and angry and annoyed.. all these emotions and thoughts too much to handle..

Well thats enough about Alex, as if all the texts and emails aren't about him anyway.....I just cant get him out of my head, because maybe im afraid. That I wont find someone like that, yeah he was my first, but life just seems so far endless and empty when the person you want, and would do and give anything for wants nothing to do with you.

Maybe if it happened in stages, but to completly be cut off, yes it could be remorse from his fathers death, by my Dad died too! I mean I wont say I am over that , but I can get through the day and be fine, but Alex just.. doesn't let anything else in..

Its so frustrating to want to be there for him, to help him, or get something for him when he needs it.. but I know that he might and probably wont be there for me.. because we got too close... and even though we got THAT close.. it tore us apart,

Oh great I am rambling about him again, I was just going to add that, If I could go back and change that one day, that one day where we sat on the couch and... leaned in and experimented.. I dont know if I would or not, yes if we had never kissed, then I would never know what it would be like and it would drive me crazy, but look where that got us, that one kiss. It ruined our friendship, and I hate it. I think the phrase "Sex complicates things" is a true gold saying, because if we had never got involved he would still want to hang out with me,

He would have time to run errands with me and watch movies and talk, but now , flash forward to that kiss, he is prob home right now not worried about it at all. Because all he has to do is block it out of his mind, but I sure as hell hope he stops one day and all the emotions and feelings towards me , if any, catch up with him and I hope he is truly sorry for treating me like some stupid mistake.

DAH! *sigh* okay... I think I've poured my soul out enough for one post..

I haven't put any slips of joshuadepressed.blogspot papers around.. I am afraid of rude comments..

And if You do ever find a slip, dont go sharing it with narrow minded people, make sure that all that you show it to has nothing but a neutral outlook on all this if anything. Because this isnt some joke, some stupid forward you find in your inbox, this is my life, and yes I may whine and complain every post.. But this is my outlet, the only place (besides certain friends) where I can just unhidge the floodgates of emotions and feelings that i'm holding in tight..

I think im done for the night,

Thank you for reading,

-Joshua

"Forever or Never"

Hello,

I dont have much to say today, but that might change because I tend to ramble, as you may be finding out.

This weekend my mom wanted to go on a family trip to Salt Lake, I was dreading it because think about it, Me, the warden and the siblings in the same car...UGH!

But thankfully I had my music to get my through it, I will list the bands in a second, if anyone is still reading by the end of this. But I just wanted to make sure EVERYONE knew what great music I heard, maybe it will entertain them in a time of need as it did for me, I live for music.

Anyway, we arrived in Salt Lake, met up with weird uncles and that whole bit, survived it all with minimal mental scars..

Oh we went to an amusement park and he walked up to random girls and wanted to give them my number, my only embarrassment was ...They were responding to him.. I wouldnt mind if he asks of the cute guys that were passing, but I guess its their loss ;)

So I made it through the weekend, Lady Gaga , Space Cowboy and a new band "Cinema Bizarre" literally saved my life and kept me company the whole trip, I could listen to them for hours!

So look them all up,

Its Tuesday, I've had an okay day, barely hearing from Alex..which is no fun. He says he needs time alone, that I would understand. But I miss him, even though he is difficult and frustrating.. I miss him..

Oh and dont be ashamed in me but....I am running low on money, when my Dad passed I got a little bit of money (it wasnt a large number so dont bother freaking out) And I put it in my bank and swore I wouldnt touch it until it was time to go take a couple classes...

Well that fund had since shrunk..due to stupidity.. You see when I get really mad at the Warden..I just need to get out, so I go on the store and I buy a couple dvds, get food, and new cd's books on Amazon, and stuff like that..

I know its horrible...I am horrible son for spending the money I was going to use for college... But at the same time..I have never gotten the chance to live..ya know?

I sit at home every day , my friends always too busy to hang out, and when they can hang out I am not in the mood, or I dont want to spend money ( I get in those moods)

Its just frustrating, I just need to buckle down with my life, Go back to the gym, get in shape, and some how find a job..I guess I will have to settle for ANYTHING because I just...Need money ...I need to go to college, but I dont know what for..and that scares me..

I guess thats why I put off signing off, because I have no idea what I want to do, I know I like to write, I know I like to act..But I cant seem to apply to anything realistic...Ugh..I have a headache constantly thinking about all the options and smothered by the fact I am too afraid to make any of them work... I dont know what to do..

I just dont understand...Why did my Dad have to be taken, Why is Alex being rude and cold towards me.. Why cant he see that I need him, that I want someone to kiss and hold and just..BE THERE FOR... I just..hate life right now, and my very good friend says that things are going to be okay, that they were work out in the future...But i just dont see it.

This is random but.. I have an Idea about getting my blog seen..

I have printed out 2 sheets of just http://joshuadepressed.blogspot.com printed small with a slightly bigger title saying, "Joshua's Journal" and I am planning to stick them places that I love to be, a random coffee shop, in a movie theater chair, ya know just places where I go all the time, and I want to see if people come to see what my blog is all about...

Part of me wants people to see the paper and go and see my story, see it unfold and have them relate or comment or something... but at the same time...there are alot of narrow minded people in this town, I just dont want or like negative comments..

and although I want people I know to read this and know its me...I am afraid of just that, if I post this in a Starbucks, what if my friend finds it and makes the connection, do other people lose their dads and struggle with liking guys? Will it be a dead give away that its me? Or will people read it and...for a time feel for the random stranger...

I will talk it over with my very good friends, I really should give them on here...I will do some thinking ;)

I am headed to bed now, listening to the great music that you are hopefully looking up right now after you finish this,

Take care, and you are just tuning in and you saw the paper, thanks for coming, to truly understand you have to start from the beginning, but dont worry, its only 11ish blogs before this one, haha I love that I am giving instructions to people that might even take the time to look at this website..

I will ramble more later, and I will be putting these paper slips around,

Thanks for listening,

P.s. My title is the name of a song you should look up by Cinema Bizarre. As well as the other

artists, Live them, Love them, Dance to them!!

-J0$hU@

Hell House

Here I am..

SITTING at home, I had plans tonight. But of course The Warden had to work and I was denied my fun, because if its not her way, there will be blood.

She called me wondering how babysitting was going.. I told her that the sibs weren't home yet. And asked her if I could go to a friends to hang out and watch a movie, Of course she flipped out saying that she pays me to stay home with them on the nights that she works... That she only asks me certain times in the week, that I wasnt going ANYWHERE tonight, Wardens Rules.

And she hung up on me,

First of all....Little things piss me off and make me mad VERRY QUICKLY,

Being hung up on is one of them.

So I called her and said, fine. She won. Because if she doesnt win... My life is Hell. She makes me feel like a horrible person, FOR NO REASON! Like I said, its her way or NO WAY AT ALL.

So Im staying in for the night, while all my friends have fun, while all my Grad friends are partying, while everyone is having a good time. My life taken from me when my dad died, I know that sounds dramatic.. but its true,

I have so much to think about all the time, I have to cancel on friends because The Warden comes first, I cant leave my house when she is home because she cries and says she just wants family time. So let me get this straight mom.. I cant go out when your not home because I have to stay when my siblings can very well take care of themselves. And I cant leave when you are home because you want family time, ALL THE TIME? When can I have my time, the time where I can hang out with friends, forget about HELL HOUSE that I have to go back to EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.. . Always endless questions, Why bother even going out ,"Where you going, " Who are you with, " What are you doing" When you coming home? " QUESTIONS QUESTIONS QUESTIONS!

I am sick of it, I am sick of not having someone, Alex is just...Confusing, I want someone my age that I can kiss and hold and talk with and wake up the next day and talk about it, talk about the relationship, not to be afraid of what anyone might think. With Alex, the next morning, nothing really happened, We never kissed, we never did anything, because in the morning he remembers that he is afraid to be gay, afraid of what people might think. I am terrified to even think of how my family and certain friends would react, I am scared. But I dont deny things that happened when they did, I thought I could have a relationship with him, but when he wakes up.. Nothing happened, I am just a friend... Nothing more..

I want to move out, meet someone, and move as far away from here as possible.

Okay well I am done whining, my head feels like its going to explode.

I am sick of the warden, Sick of confusing Alex....sick of life.....

I just wish that I could have MY life.....

Goodbye for now...

-Joshua

Too Much

My blog tonight is just going to be more whining, You've been warned.

Last night my mom said she was having chest pains and asked me to take her to the hospital. I really didnt think much about it until she asked me if I would call my brother in law to pick up the siblings, so I drove her and she seemed fine at the time.

We got to the hospital and she got checked in,

thats when it started..

I sat next to the bed as doctors came and went, my mom was sobbing, telling them that she didnt want anything to be wrong because she had to take care of the kids, she had to...

I thought that was horrible...I know I am her son. That I should do anything to help her...but to sit there in a cold hospital room while she clutched my dads ring...that just....killed me...

They had all sorts of things in her, tubes and stuff to check out what the pressure was on her chest, I was so worried that I would lose another parent..

After my dad died things became more hard for some in the family, And it made me wonder how much my family needs to depend on me...I know I just do whatever it takes for my family..

But my dad died when I was 18.....I mean just a couple months ago...

I am 18 years old..I should be enjoying life...not sitting around every night...

ANYWAY back to my mom in the hospital, after her freaking out and freaking me out. It turned out to be nothing, all tests passed with flying colors, no blockage, not a single thing wrong, they said I could be caused from stress from her foot surgery...So here we are 11 o clock at night over nothing, I mean I know that sounds heartless.. And I didnt WANT anything to be wrong, but nothing was....I just...ugh!

I just feel like there is so much pressure for me to step up...But I just...Want to live! I mean I cant be alone anymore, I have to drive my mom around to stores, she doesnt want to be at the house alone, I cant do anything with my friends because she wants me to spend time with the family. EVERYONE thinks I am in a bad mood, but the truth is I am just FED UP!! I dont want this...

I have had headaches for the past week, I just done. ... I know people rely on me, to babysit or pick them up or what ever they need...but sometimes...when Im asked to pick up someone at a certain time, or re-arrange my plans for something else...I just...want MY TIME,

I feel like the only time I can have time to myself is if I drive around, then of course I get constant texts about where I am from my mom..

I know, I should stop complaining and just embrace that my life sucks sometimes, but I just wish I could live my life the way I wanted to, Meet a guy and not be worried about taking him home to my Insane Family,

I want to just...live my life..It wasnt fair that my dad was taken at 18, and what about my siblings...? What did they have to learn from their dad being taken away, that ISNT FAIR,

I know God has a plan, I grew up in the church, I get how it works...But I mean there are so many people in the world that are still alive, someone is alive right now killing, hurting, a dad abusing his kids, his wife, a dad drinking at a party before he drives home and kills another person in a crash, there are millions of people that God could have taken....why my dad...WHY?

Okay..im done whining for the night...I guess what you can get from all of this,

Is that life sucks...most of the time,

Thats enough outta me for the night...

-Joshua

Wondering

I hate not knowing...it makes me nervous..

I woke up this morning.. too early..

Maybe thats how the bad day started, waking up with a huge pulsing headache.

Alex called, his dad is close to dying. I feel so bad for him, because I am the only one that can really relate, even though my dad just went to work one day and never came home.

I told Alex that I would be there for him whenever, he is the only child, that must be hard to face it alone (besides his mother)

I would give anything to have my dad again, Even if it was only for a couple months.. but I wouldnt want him to be in pain.

I wonder which I would prefer, to die quickly, swiftly, almost not knowing that you died it was so quick, with a heart attack or being shot or whatever.... Or would I want to go slowly, so I could say goodbye to my family, say the things I needed to...I would have preferred that with my dad...maybe he had come home and known that his heart was going to give out, to just sick and talk with us, to tell us all the things we needed to know, that I needed to know, to take care of the family, to do all the things he couldnt...all the time was sucked away from us,

No more fathers and sons, no more talks about what he did in high school, what teachers he had, things he learned....Things about camping that I was too stubborn to learn...that I would never hear his say again...

Anyway, enough of that..

I went to a friends house a little later in the day and we watched a movie, It was pretty funny and it cheered me up (I have been feeling really down lately)

And so I get home, wanting to just go to bed..but I saw from outside that my bedroom light was on. I panicked!

Not only did it have my journal that is full of encounters with Alex, but it has really deep thoughts that I dont want anyone just reading (blog journals are a different...) I also have a couple of magazines that I got because it had a hottie on the cover.

So I run downstairs and my sister is sitting in my room,

She said she was helping me look for something that I lost (oh I forgot to mention that)

anyway so I ask her why she was in my room and she said she had a search warrant (that she printed out to be funny) but I was FUMING MAD!

She went around my room opening my drawers telling me where she put all my stuff, (trying to help but I didnt want her help going through my stuff)

So I look over to the drawer wear I keep my journal (hidden under tons of notebooks and papers) and I had realized that I had recently written in it, so it was in another drawer, in complete view of anyone that would have opened it. I quickly made her leave my room , checking to see if anything else had been moved, and I opened the drawer and there were clothes that were out on my dresser before, now shoved in that drawer, by her. My journal had been sitting right there when she opened the drawer, I dont want to even begin to think that she read any of it.

I know how nosy siblings can be, If she read just a little bit of my journal..I would be outed, she is a loud-mouth, and it makes me sick to think that I wasn't home for a good 4 hours....

She said she was just trying to help, that she would never invade my privacy (as I questioned her about my drawers) and I quickly shot back that,"stepping into my room while I wasnt there was an invasion of privacy!"

So hopefully she didnt read my journal, I guess I will find out tomorrow. A secret like that wouldnt be kept long if she was the one that knew it..

I am going to bed feeling sick to my stomach....

Church tomorrow....I better polish my "Im perfectly okay" mask,

Weddings And Diners

Okay, I haven't written on this in a while because I know that no one will ever read it, and if someone did I cant imagine how it would help them..but it does help to get it out...

I think I have given up on Alex, yes we still share moments where he seems to really want me back..But then again he always blames it on something else...I am just tired of wanting someone so much that doesnt show me that he wants what I want..does that make sense...? I dont care if it doesnt bleh!

So I was at a wedding last night, it was beautiful! One of my really good friends got married, Her dress was amazing, they both (the bride and groom) looked amazing, OH! Have I mentioned that I dated her forever ago, yep! But dont worry I am SOOOOO Over that! ;) But She told me when she dumped me...however many years it was that she would never find her someone, she swore she wouldnt find anyone that she would want to spend the rest of her life with...

Well she looked pretty happy yesterday, all I was thinking was, "Good for her!" I mean sure I didnt really like the guy, but I guess she saw the good in him, It was was surreal for me when they had their first dance, the lights dimmed, the music started and it fell silent. And I got chills as they started to sway and you could just tell as they leaned into eachother..that they weren't there anymore, that the smile on his face and the joyful tears welling up in her eyes were a sign that they had only eachother and that was all that mattered, not the crying mother 10 feet away, or the loud kids in the corner, it was beautiful..and I thought to myself as I saw him whisper to her and sing to her is....I wanted that more then anything...to have someone in the middle of the dance floor, close to me.. Someone that wouldnt be afraid to hold my hand in public, or kiss or WHATEVER... I have been to only a couple weddings, all of them for family, but this was a first friend wedding and I will admit I teared up. The song (that I dont remember now,) but it was perfect,

I know I am young, that I can still find that guy out there for me...but its so hard when I dont even know where to begin...The only man I have been this doesnt even like men, or so he says..

Okay now to fast forward the goodbyes and hugs and dancing..

My friends decided that they wanted to go to Dennys after the wedding ( I know..Random!) But I tagged along so I wouldnt have to go home and wallow in self pity....

So we pull up, get a table and we are all talking and laughing,

FAST FOWARD>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

An hour later...

We are leaving and a gay couple that I didnt see until we were on our way out sat at the corner table and I envied them...I recognized one of the boys that I have seen at the High School when I visited, he is probably

2 or 3 years younger then me, and there he was, confident, OUT and with someone that wanted him back.

And sure enough knowing that I noticed them, it wouldnt be too long before my extremely sheltered &

Churchy friends would see them, and of course they did...

So most of my friends were already out the door when my friend behind me says,

"Oh wow...gross look at those two gay guys!" and Walked outside, I could tell that

the couple heard, and I wanted to go over there and tell them how cute they were together,

that they shouldn't listen to idiot people like the people I happen to know..

But I figured that would be weird for me to randomly approach, but now that I think about it

I should have gone over and said something...But I made eye contact with one of them and

pointed at my friend and rolled my eyes, but I saw him smile, I hope he realized that

I wasn't one of the idiots..that I looked up to him soo much for being out and brave and...I dont know..

I just wish I could find my someone, Just a man who will kiss me in public, who will hold my hand or

put his arm around me...I am ready to be brave and fearless..but I am so

afraid at the same time...I know that when I come out I wont be accepted at first,

I am working on it,

Would it be weird to try to find that guy at the high school and if they did hear, to apologize for my idiot friend?

Or do I just assume that he didn't care..I dont know..

Well you know me..I make things that aren't that big of deal into huge issues,

Ugh..

Well to anyone out there that cares, thanks for reading and listening to what I have to say..

-Joshua

And sorry for the wacky spacing...dont know what happened...lol

Kyle VS Alex

Its insane how frustrating life can be...

But I guess I do bring down all this hurt, and suffering on myself..

I want to be with Alex, but he makes it so hard to stay sane. Like last night, he called me over and we watched a movie, and I have been trying to get over him, for many reasons. Number 1 being that he can never make up his mind when it comes to liking guys,

It sucks that Kyle (the internet guy) lives so far away, he is my age, it is nice to find some one that I have so much in common with. But I have realized that he lives too far away to matter, well he matters, but to far for anything happen..

So then I started looking at Alex again, (No I am not a player..) and wondering if he will..I dont know...Make up his mind!...Which I know will never happen... So the guy I want to be with lives to far away for that to be possible...and the guy I have close to me, doesn't want me back, despite what people that know about him have told me...

I just dont know what to do.. I am so torn I..just want a guy that...will want me... Want to be with me and not constantly changing his mind...

I understand that Alex is going through a hard time, it must be difficult to watch your father dying a little more each day..I am not sure how I would have it though... My dad passed away so unexpectedly, we all just got a phone call...It didnt..and still doesnt see quite real... But Alex says that he doesnt know which he would want either.... Because to him, his dad dies everyday, and he has to watch it every time he visits..Watching him slowly slip away...

In ways I am glad I just got a phone call..but I would have wanted to say at least say goodbye...at least Alex can say goodbye each day...but that doesnt make it any easier I know..

Alex has turned into someone else...he is bitter all the time now, he is stressed about work..he seems to be pushing me away...should I let him..? How easy would that be...for him I have no doubts that he could just push the thought from his mind that he was done with me and that would be the end of it, but it wouldnt be easy for me.. The only reason I started wanting Kyle was because I knew that he actually liked guys, that he could admit it. And that he seemed to want me back...I have always wanted Alex to want me..and some days...I think he might deep down..

I just dont know what to do anymore..

Why am I even writing on here? I wrote this for people to read this and..I dont know...Learn from it..or relate to me..

I am sorry this is a whine blog, not that anyone will ever read it......

I am off to go drive around a bit....

-Joshua

A new friend, all smiles today!

Today has been so great!

Hopefully anyone reading this doesn't get whiplash from the mood change in this post, I am super happy! Haha I almost don't want to acknowledge the good mood because I know that soon it will be out and I will be depressed again, but hey enjoy good moments while they last right?

You might think I am so happy because Alex is being sane, well too bad, not today.

I met someone :) His name is, hm..what is a good name for him... Kyle, okay that name fits..:)

I was just surfing the net when an add came up for a "Meet Teens" thing called Espin well I usually don't sign up for those things, but for some reason I joined lol

Oh my gosh I am glad I did, what you do is fill out a profile of likes and dislikes, fave bands and movies and all that good stuff that takes up time ;)

And after thats done you spin the bottle, and it chooses a match, Mine landed on Kyle R. And I am glad it did,

We got chatting and it turns out we have almost everything in common, so then I added him on facebook, We have been talking for the past couple hours, the only thing I gotta say is.... Its too bad that we live so far apart....Oh did I mention he lives in New York...Yeah that totally sucks...

But he is so smart and funny and super sweet! So for now I am smiling, Kyle R has made my day, and my week! haha

Okay I am going to go, errands...BLEH!

I will write more later,