I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, filled with family, love and just being there for eachother.
The Christmas with my family passed by so fast I can barely remember what happened. My sister was up from Arizona and my other sister that lives here came over in the morning and we lined up from youngest to oldest as usual... We are usually kept waiting at the bottom of the stairs just waiting to go open presents and have Christmas Pancakes with Caramel syrup, and as we open presents my Dad walks around with the camera and makes comments about the presents we open and I knew no matter what I got that for this time it was nice to be with family...I would give anything to have another Christmas where I could be mad at my Dad for putting the camera in my face or asking me stupid questions on camera...
My Dad was also very good at picking out the latest, most cool thing out, not that we needed it, but he always knew the perfect present for everyone...
This year is so different and I know it will be... But I guess it just hits during different times how much I miss him..
This Christmas we were just called upstairs, no line.. Walked upstairs and just started opening presents, present after present fast.. (we are usually given one present at a time so we can I dont know.. enjoy it more?) I think this years whole "around the tree" lasted 10 minutes if even that, we didn't even sit down to pancakes till later and by them everyone was leaving to do other things..
What is so wrong with trying to cling to something normal and familiar, to close my eyes and feel like he is still here and its not different.... its not sad around the house we dont have moments where we break down.. Its been 8 months.. Can you believe that much time has passed... where did the time go? It just flew by...
Something was definitely missing this Christmas... I am not trying to sound selfish.. I know that its not MY holiday... but its a time where you family can come together and just...be together and happy and we were for the most part... But seeing my sister tear up over seeing my Dad's things, it just tears me up inside..
Because we have lived in this house for the 8 months that he had been gone, we have lived through the pain, sadness, guilt, ALL the emotions that can be expressed... and she left a week after the funeral .. coming back here is like he's just gone, that its fresh and when its a fresh wound for her, or for the people that haven't visited in a while.. it opens up our wounds.. and it hurts all over again...
I think i'm talking about Christmas.. because no matter how much I talk about it.. He's still gone.. I will have to help my mom put up the fake tree, get everything out of the garage to put on the tree, help her ask my siblings what they want...
I guess thats part of growing up.. I just think my older siblings had it so easy, moved out right out of the house when they were 18...Because they both got jobs right out of highschool and moved in with friends and i'm still stuck here...
Alright.. sorry for that little blow up. I am trying to be more positive because...I've been feeling better about life.. No I still dont have a job and I haven't signed up for college yet.. but I feel like things are okay for now...
No idiot guys playing my emotions, just me and myself...haha Oh and pictures of Matt Dallas... Season 3 of his show came out! I still haven't watched it! So whoever wants to have a Hottie with a naughty body Kyle Xy Marathon, Let me know! :)
Oh and I am thinking more and more about just coming out to my family.. I mean other people tell me its obvious that I am gay, (is it my rainbow necklace or Rainbow shoelaces...DOnt care!) I guess I shouldn't care about what people are saying about me... But I love going to the mall and checking out guys and just... being myself haha.. I even walked over to the calender section and saw a "Dream Guys" Calender and bought it... haha..of course I cant hang it in my room but...its still SUPER HOTT! Alright now I am just babbling!
To sum up this blog... Pay attention to every holiday, every birthday or family gathering and make sure to hug everyone and just...love the time your with them because you dont know if it will be your last Thanksgiving... Last father and sons or camping trip...
I know for a fact that family can be annoying and Hellish... That they can drive you crazy and make you hate them... but your kinda stuck with them.. so just...Enjoy it while it lasts..haha..
Dont quote me on that because I will probably be annoyed with my family at one time or another and I will write comments about them on this Blog.. Just know that I still love them, I still love my Mom even tho she drives me insane with her negativity and controllingness,
Alright im done for the night..
Hope all your holidays were full of memories,
I hope your families are well,
Happy New Year! (in case I dont post again till then)
I LOVE YOU ALL! Thank you for reading!
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