Last night my mom said she was having chest pains and asked me to take her to the hospital. I really didnt think much about it until she asked me if I would call my brother in law to pick up the siblings, so I drove her and she seemed fine at the time.
We got to the hospital and she got checked in,
thats when it started..
I sat next to the bed as doctors came and went, my mom was sobbing, telling them that she didnt want anything to be wrong because she had to take care of the kids, she had to...
I thought that was horrible...I know I am her son. That I should do anything to help her...but to sit there in a cold hospital room while she clutched my dads ring...that just....killed me...
They had all sorts of things in her, tubes and stuff to check out what the pressure was on her chest, I was so worried that I would lose another parent..
After my dad died things became more hard for some in the family, And it made me wonder how much my family needs to depend on me...I know I just do whatever it takes for my family..
But my dad died when I was 18.....I mean just a couple months ago...
I am 18 years old..I should be enjoying life...not sitting around every night...
ANYWAY back to my mom in the hospital, after her freaking out and freaking me out. It turned out to be nothing, all tests passed with flying colors, no blockage, not a single thing wrong, they said I could be caused from stress from her foot surgery...So here we are 11 o clock at night over nothing, I mean I know that sounds heartless.. And I didnt WANT anything to be wrong, but nothing was....I just...ugh!
I just feel like there is so much pressure for me to step up...But I just...Want to live! I mean I cant be alone anymore, I have to drive my mom around to stores, she doesnt want to be at the house alone, I cant do anything with my friends because she wants me to spend time with the family. EVERYONE thinks I am in a bad mood, but the truth is I am just FED UP!! I dont want this...
I have had headaches for the past week, I just done. ... I know people rely on me, to babysit or pick them up or what ever they need...but sometimes...when Im asked to pick up someone at a certain time, or re-arrange my plans for something else...I just...want MY TIME,
I feel like the only time I can have time to myself is if I drive around, then of course I get constant texts about where I am from my mom..
I know, I should stop complaining and just embrace that my life sucks sometimes, but I just wish I could live my life the way I wanted to, Meet a guy and not be worried about taking him home to my Insane Family,
I want to just...live my life..It wasnt fair that my dad was taken at 18, and what about my siblings...? What did they have to learn from their dad being taken away, that ISNT FAIR,
I know God has a plan, I grew up in the church, I get how it works...But I mean there are so many people in the world that are still alive, someone is alive right now killing, hurting, a dad abusing his kids, his wife, a dad drinking at a party before he drives home and kills another person in a crash, there are millions of people that God could have taken....why my dad...WHY?
Okay..im done whining for the night...I guess what you can get from all of this,
Is that life sucks...most of the time,
Thats enough outta me for the night...
-Joshua
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