But I guess I do bring down all this hurt, and suffering on myself..
I want to be with Alex, but he makes it so hard to stay sane. Like last night, he called me over and we watched a movie, and I have been trying to get over him, for many reasons. Number 1 being that he can never make up his mind when it comes to liking guys,
It sucks that Kyle (the internet guy) lives so far away, he is my age, it is nice to find some one that I have so much in common with. But I have realized that he lives too far away to matter, well he matters, but to far for anything happen..
So then I started looking at Alex again, (No I am not a player..) and wondering if he will..I dont know...Make up his mind!...Which I know will never happen... So the guy I want to be with lives to far away for that to be possible...and the guy I have close to me, doesn't want me back, despite what people that know about him have told me...
I just dont know what to do.. I am so torn I..just want a guy that...will want me... Want to be with me and not constantly changing his mind...
I understand that Alex is going through a hard time, it must be difficult to watch your father dying a little more each day..I am not sure how I would have it though... My dad passed away so unexpectedly, we all just got a phone call...It didnt..and still doesnt see quite real... But Alex says that he doesnt know which he would want either.... Because to him, his dad dies everyday, and he has to watch it every time he visits..Watching him slowly slip away...
In ways I am glad I just got a phone call..but I would have wanted to say at least say goodbye...at least Alex can say goodbye each day...but that doesnt make it any easier I know..
Alex has turned into someone else...he is bitter all the time now, he is stressed about work..he seems to be pushing me away...should I let him..? How easy would that be...for him I have no doubts that he could just push the thought from his mind that he was done with me and that would be the end of it, but it wouldnt be easy for me.. The only reason I started wanting Kyle was because I knew that he actually liked guys, that he could admit it. And that he seemed to want me back...I have always wanted Alex to want me..and some days...I think he might deep down..
I just dont know what to do anymore..
Why am I even writing on here? I wrote this for people to read this and..I dont know...Learn from it..or relate to me..
I am sorry this is a whine blog, not that anyone will ever read it......
I am off to go drive around a bit....
-Joshua
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