Weddings And Diners

Okay, I haven't written on this in a while because I know that no one will ever read it, and if someone did I cant imagine how it would help them..but it does help to get it out...

I think I have given up on Alex, yes we still share moments where he seems to really want me back..But then again he always blames it on something else...I am just tired of wanting someone so much that doesnt show me that he wants what I want..does that make sense...? I dont care if it doesnt bleh!

So I was at a wedding last night, it was beautiful! One of my really good friends got married, Her dress was amazing, they both (the bride and groom) looked amazing, OH! Have I mentioned that I dated her forever ago, yep! But dont worry I am SOOOOO Over that! ;) But She told me when she dumped me...however many years it was that she would never find her someone, she swore she wouldnt find anyone that she would want to spend the rest of her life with...

Well she looked pretty happy yesterday, all I was thinking was, "Good for her!" I mean sure I didnt really like the guy, but I guess she saw the good in him, It was was surreal for me when they had their first dance, the lights dimmed, the music started and it fell silent. And I got chills as they started to sway and you could just tell as they leaned into eachother..that they weren't there anymore, that the smile on his face and the joyful tears welling up in her eyes were a sign that they had only eachother and that was all that mattered, not the crying mother 10 feet away, or the loud kids in the corner, it was beautiful..and I thought to myself as I saw him whisper to her and sing to her is....I wanted that more then anything...to have someone in the middle of the dance floor, close to me.. Someone that wouldnt be afraid to hold my hand in public, or kiss or WHATEVER... I have been to only a couple weddings, all of them for family, but this was a first friend wedding and I will admit I teared up. The song (that I dont remember now,) but it was perfect,

I know I am young, that I can still find that guy out there for me...but its so hard when I dont even know where to begin...The only man I have been this doesnt even like men, or so he says..

Okay now to fast forward the goodbyes and hugs and dancing..

My friends decided that they wanted to go to Dennys after the wedding ( I know..Random!) But I tagged along so I wouldnt have to go home and wallow in self pity....

So we pull up, get a table and we are all talking and laughing,

FAST FOWARD>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

An hour later...

We are leaving and a gay couple that I didnt see until we were on our way out sat at the corner table and I envied them...I recognized one of the boys that I have seen at the High School when I visited, he is probably

2 or 3 years younger then me, and there he was, confident, OUT and with someone that wanted him back.

And sure enough knowing that I noticed them, it wouldnt be too long before my extremely sheltered &

Churchy friends would see them, and of course they did...

So most of my friends were already out the door when my friend behind me says,

"Oh wow...gross look at those two gay guys!" and Walked outside, I could tell that

the couple heard, and I wanted to go over there and tell them how cute they were together,

that they shouldn't listen to idiot people like the people I happen to know..

But I figured that would be weird for me to randomly approach, but now that I think about it

I should have gone over and said something...But I made eye contact with one of them and

pointed at my friend and rolled my eyes, but I saw him smile, I hope he realized that

I wasn't one of the idiots..that I looked up to him soo much for being out and brave and...I dont know..

I just wish I could find my someone, Just a man who will kiss me in public, who will hold my hand or

put his arm around me...I am ready to be brave and fearless..but I am so

afraid at the same time...I know that when I come out I wont be accepted at first,

I am working on it,

Would it be weird to try to find that guy at the high school and if they did hear, to apologize for my idiot friend?

Or do I just assume that he didn't care..I dont know..

Well you know me..I make things that aren't that big of deal into huge issues,

Ugh..

Well to anyone out there that cares, thanks for reading and listening to what I have to say..

-Joshua

And sorry for the wacky spacing...dont know what happened...lol