Bored and Lonely. Caution: Dont Mix!!

Well here I am, typing again on a blog that no one will ever see, I guess this is just a free expression of thoughts and idea's I just hope my family never stumbles onto this blog....But some part of me wants them to, what would they do? Ask me about it? Confront me about it? My family has a way of making people who are different seem...I dont know.. Bad maybe..

But what's so bad about wanting and feeling something that isnt "Normal".. to THEIR standards anyway..

I just watched movies tonight with my friends,

Its sooo good getting out of the house... Many people find their homes a place where they can be themselves, let their guard down... Its too bad that I have to lock my phone, computer and ipod, wishing and hoping that when I do leave them lying around that someone wont go through them...Which has happened before.. believe it or not..

Once again I don't know why I am writing this... Its so pointless to write and write and really have nothing to say...or to be like me and whine and whine...

Does it make me paranoid to wonder if my mom or siblings have gone in my room and looked at my journal...? But then again my family is very nosy.. But..did you know that when all of these gay thoughts started to surface...I had NO ONE to talk to about them. Always raised to think it was wrong, I didn't even write about it in my journal, I look back now on the things I did write...I just sounded...like it was all a mask that every word I wrote was a charade hiding the fact that I was hurting...but the story of my hellish sophmore year is best kept for another night of nothing to do...pouring my heart and soul out across the keys, carefully choosing the words to express what i'm feeling...

Church tomorrow...I love God... But I find it unbearable sometimes to sit through a class that is talking about homosexuality, saying how dirty, wrong and gross it is...when I am there, both loving and hating the fact...

I often look around my sunday school class, (I did the same thing in school) I looked at all the other guys I knew, and the ones I didn't. I wondered if they were thinking the same thing as me, "Am I the only church-raised boy in this room that if feeling this way, so lost and confused. But loving the fact that I want a man and not a woman" There are some people in my class that I could see myself with, so kind, and funny. I even fell for someone in my church, but that is another story for later...I think I have gone on too much,

Hope im not boring you, but it is your choice after all to be here reading this depressing garbage...

I think im heading to bed now, I haven't been able to sleep much....Nightmares...ugh

Thanks for reading,

-Joshua