Empty

I had to turn to blogging...since no one will listen...Maybe someone will read and comment..

I dont care about anything anymore...why try...

My dad died 3 months ago... and since then I have been the shoulder to lean on... I know its what I should do, I should take his place and be the comfort in the family..but I just cant handle it sometimes..

Ive never been one to complain..thats just not me.. Believe me when I say that blogging about how bad I am feeling...kills me inside..

Not that blogging is bad..but I wouldnt want to dump all my burdens on someone reading...if they even did...

Anyway, lets get introductions out of the way, my name is Joshua, I am 18 years old and a closet gay..

I wish I could tell my mom, or my family...but it just isnt that easy..

I have been seeing this guy for the last couple months...lets name him "Alex"

Well Alex likes to kiss but when I want to talk about it he gets all... deffensive saying that he isnt gay and its all in my head. He has this girl he likes named... "Victoria" he could talk about her for hours but then he gets in his moods and we kiss and hold eachother..and for that moment I truly believe that he likes me back...but then his mood just flips...Is it something I do? Does he just pity me?

Ive thought about death often, no one knows this but as I looked down at my dad in the casket I wished to trade places with him...Not a week before he died I decided I was going to take my life...I wasnt sure how or when exactly but I was so tired for falling for men that were married or men with gorgeous woman that they have crushes on...

But then I got the news...I was sitting at my computer, like I am now...i dont remember what I was doing...but then the phone rang...I didnt believe it at first....I was so angry at him for leaving us...For leaving all the family responsibilities on me...

I looked at him in that casket and grabbed his cold hand, we all got our alone time and I cried over him....Saying sorry for all the times I didn't listen, all the back talk. I knelt down and said, "I know..you wouldnt approve..but...Im gay dad" and I just sat and cried...thinking about how I never had the courage to do it when he could scold me, when I could see the light fade from his eyes... he and my mother have expressed their strong opionions about how wrong homosexuality is...and maybe if I would have paid attention in church I would be different, but truthfully, I dont regret being gay, not in the least...I regret not being brave enough to be honest with my parents..

I am expected to do so much. but how can I when I am losing the battle with myself..

I am tired of people telling me how to live my life, I might not be doing a good job, but I dont care...Its my life...my choice...

I often go on walks...I watch the cars speed by on the busy streets...thinking how easy it would be to just dodge in front of a car going 65, wishing I could...

But I think of my siblings and nieces and nephews, they lost their grandpa, not their uncle too...I wouldnt want to cause anyone hurt...

I will keep walking though, staying far from those cars...I need to survive this...

Thank you for listening...

it meant alot to spill my guts out, I hope you haven't been offended by anything ive said..

let me know if im too whiney...give me some feedback...please..