Hell House

Here I am..

SITTING at home, I had plans tonight. But of course The Warden had to work and I was denied my fun, because if its not her way, there will be blood.

She called me wondering how babysitting was going.. I told her that the sibs weren't home yet. And asked her if I could go to a friends to hang out and watch a movie, Of course she flipped out saying that she pays me to stay home with them on the nights that she works... That she only asks me certain times in the week, that I wasnt going ANYWHERE tonight, Wardens Rules.

And she hung up on me,

First of all....Little things piss me off and make me mad VERRY QUICKLY,

Being hung up on is one of them.

So I called her and said, fine. She won. Because if she doesnt win... My life is Hell. She makes me feel like a horrible person, FOR NO REASON! Like I said, its her way or NO WAY AT ALL.

So Im staying in for the night, while all my friends have fun, while all my Grad friends are partying, while everyone is having a good time. My life taken from me when my dad died, I know that sounds dramatic.. but its true,

I have so much to think about all the time, I have to cancel on friends because The Warden comes first, I cant leave my house when she is home because she cries and says she just wants family time. So let me get this straight mom.. I cant go out when your not home because I have to stay when my siblings can very well take care of themselves. And I cant leave when you are home because you want family time, ALL THE TIME? When can I have my time, the time where I can hang out with friends, forget about HELL HOUSE that I have to go back to EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.. . Always endless questions, Why bother even going out ,"Where you going, " Who are you with, " What are you doing" When you coming home? " QUESTIONS QUESTIONS QUESTIONS!

I am sick of it, I am sick of not having someone, Alex is just...Confusing, I want someone my age that I can kiss and hold and talk with and wake up the next day and talk about it, talk about the relationship, not to be afraid of what anyone might think. With Alex, the next morning, nothing really happened, We never kissed, we never did anything, because in the morning he remembers that he is afraid to be gay, afraid of what people might think. I am terrified to even think of how my family and certain friends would react, I am scared. But I dont deny things that happened when they did, I thought I could have a relationship with him, but when he wakes up.. Nothing happened, I am just a friend... Nothing more..

I want to move out, meet someone, and move as far away from here as possible.

Okay well I am done whining, my head feels like its going to explode.

I am sick of the warden, Sick of confusing Alex....sick of life.....

I just wish that I could have MY life.....

Goodbye for now...

-Joshua