"Forever or Never"

Hello,

I dont have much to say today, but that might change because I tend to ramble, as you may be finding out.

This weekend my mom wanted to go on a family trip to Salt Lake, I was dreading it because think about it, Me, the warden and the siblings in the same car...UGH!

But thankfully I had my music to get my through it, I will list the bands in a second, if anyone is still reading by the end of this. But I just wanted to make sure EVERYONE knew what great music I heard, maybe it will entertain them in a time of need as it did for me, I live for music.

Anyway, we arrived in Salt Lake, met up with weird uncles and that whole bit, survived it all with minimal mental scars..

Oh we went to an amusement park and he walked up to random girls and wanted to give them my number, my only embarrassment was ...They were responding to him.. I wouldnt mind if he asks of the cute guys that were passing, but I guess its their loss ;)

So I made it through the weekend, Lady Gaga , Space Cowboy and a new band "Cinema Bizarre" literally saved my life and kept me company the whole trip, I could listen to them for hours!

So look them all up,

Its Tuesday, I've had an okay day, barely hearing from Alex..which is no fun. He says he needs time alone, that I would understand. But I miss him, even though he is difficult and frustrating.. I miss him..

Oh and dont be ashamed in me but....I am running low on money, when my Dad passed I got a little bit of money (it wasnt a large number so dont bother freaking out) And I put it in my bank and swore I wouldnt touch it until it was time to go take a couple classes...

Well that fund had since shrunk..due to stupidity.. You see when I get really mad at the Warden..I just need to get out, so I go on the store and I buy a couple dvds, get food, and new cd's books on Amazon, and stuff like that..

I know its horrible...I am horrible son for spending the money I was going to use for college... But at the same time..I have never gotten the chance to live..ya know?

I sit at home every day , my friends always too busy to hang out, and when they can hang out I am not in the mood, or I dont want to spend money ( I get in those moods)

Its just frustrating, I just need to buckle down with my life, Go back to the gym, get in shape, and some how find a job..I guess I will have to settle for ANYTHING because I just...Need money ...I need to go to college, but I dont know what for..and that scares me..

I guess thats why I put off signing off, because I have no idea what I want to do, I know I like to write, I know I like to act..But I cant seem to apply to anything realistic...Ugh..I have a headache constantly thinking about all the options and smothered by the fact I am too afraid to make any of them work... I dont know what to do..

I just dont understand...Why did my Dad have to be taken, Why is Alex being rude and cold towards me.. Why cant he see that I need him, that I want someone to kiss and hold and just..BE THERE FOR... I just..hate life right now, and my very good friend says that things are going to be okay, that they were work out in the future...But i just dont see it.

This is random but.. I have an Idea about getting my blog seen..

I have printed out 2 sheets of just http://joshuadepressed.blogspot.com printed small with a slightly bigger title saying, "Joshua's Journal" and I am planning to stick them places that I love to be, a random coffee shop, in a movie theater chair, ya know just places where I go all the time, and I want to see if people come to see what my blog is all about...

Part of me wants people to see the paper and go and see my story, see it unfold and have them relate or comment or something... but at the same time...there are alot of narrow minded people in this town, I just dont want or like negative comments..

and although I want people I know to read this and know its me...I am afraid of just that, if I post this in a Starbucks, what if my friend finds it and makes the connection, do other people lose their dads and struggle with liking guys? Will it be a dead give away that its me? Or will people read it and...for a time feel for the random stranger...

I will talk it over with my very good friends, I really should give them on here...I will do some thinking ;)

I am headed to bed now, listening to the great music that you are hopefully looking up right now after you finish this,

Take care, and you are just tuning in and you saw the paper, thanks for coming, to truly understand you have to start from the beginning, but dont worry, its only 11ish blogs before this one, haha I love that I am giving instructions to people that might even take the time to look at this website..

I will ramble more later, and I will be putting these paper slips around,

Thanks for listening,

P.s. My title is the name of a song you should look up by Cinema Bizarre. As well as the other

artists, Live them, Love them, Dance to them!!

-J0$hU@