Giving up...on Alex

I always thought that he would suddenly realize that... what we had wasn't just some...mistake.

I truly believed that he would change his mind, Yes I should just get on with my life but I mean I shared so many firsts, how can you just walk away from that.

And even if I wanted to just forget him, he is still around, he would still be there.. so whats the point in ending it when I will see him all the time!?

My really good friend says he isn't worth my time, and I know i should believe it but I really fell...If you havent found out already I fall hard and fast....

Speaking of I thought I could finally get over Alex, so I decided hanging out with a guy that I thought maybe might be into me.. that turned out sour. I brought up that I have kissed a guy (believe me it doesn't usually come up in normal conversation) And he said that he had wanted to try but never would, saying that he was "Straight" after I told him I have kissed a guy, yeah thats right I dont keep tallies or anything, but I stand at just one..

SOOO I was watching a movie with a friend (same one that I was having the deep conversation with) and Alex texted me out of the blue.. I was almost excited because I haven't out with him , or had a conversation in what seems to be forever..

He asked what I was doing, and I replied quick and short, "Hanging with a friend" and he asked if me and my new friend were making out, and I quickly replied, wondering why he brought it up..since he usually strayed away from those questions or conversations, fearing I would bring up what he obviously wants to forget.

I said "No! He isnt like that, but I do miss...the kissing and the physical contact..." and he replied back, "Sorry cant help you with that..." and that was it... I knew then that he finally shut me out. That any small hope I still had that we would go back to our...what I thought was normal.. was now gone, and it pissed me off! Why have all those good times and then end it, are all these weeks of ignoring me a screaming message to leave him alone?

Why is he pushing me away, why now, did I do something wrong, say something!? It just boggles my mind why I cant make anything work, why love and life is so frustrating...

I know for a fact that my life would be more easy without him in it, but you can just sever that friendship... even if that friendships plans get cancelled... and someone else is chosen over me in a heartbeat when it comes to plan making..

And speaking of plans, what about OUR plans? Our "stay-overs" or weekend trips... Why did we stop all this before we had THAT? I think it will drive me crazy until he tells me to my face that he never felt anything for me..

Because I would sure as hell like to know where his mind was when we were together.. Was he thinking of someone else when I was kissing him? Did he picture someone other then me ... for everything.. .ENDLESS QUESTIONS.. ones that make me want to tear my hear out. Eating away at everything.. I just want answers,

and yes if he was ever to tell me straight to my face that what we had was nothing, that it was a mistake, then fine I will deal with that when it comes, I will at least know what happened... not sitting here feeling like an ass and typing on a endless, whining blog..

Its quiet, good ole 3 a.m., I cant sleep of course because I am depressed, and angry and annoyed.. all these emotions and thoughts too much to handle..

Well thats enough about Alex, as if all the texts and emails aren't about him anyway.....I just cant get him out of my head, because maybe im afraid. That I wont find someone like that, yeah he was my first, but life just seems so far endless and empty when the person you want, and would do and give anything for wants nothing to do with you.

Maybe if it happened in stages, but to completly be cut off, yes it could be remorse from his fathers death, by my Dad died too! I mean I wont say I am over that , but I can get through the day and be fine, but Alex just.. doesn't let anything else in..

Its so frustrating to want to be there for him, to help him, or get something for him when he needs it.. but I know that he might and probably wont be there for me.. because we got too close... and even though we got THAT close.. it tore us apart,

Oh great I am rambling about him again, I was just going to add that, If I could go back and change that one day, that one day where we sat on the couch and... leaned in and experimented.. I dont know if I would or not, yes if we had never kissed, then I would never know what it would be like and it would drive me crazy, but look where that got us, that one kiss. It ruined our friendship, and I hate it. I think the phrase "Sex complicates things" is a true gold saying, because if we had never got involved he would still want to hang out with me,

He would have time to run errands with me and watch movies and talk, but now , flash forward to that kiss, he is prob home right now not worried about it at all. Because all he has to do is block it out of his mind, but I sure as hell hope he stops one day and all the emotions and feelings towards me , if any, catch up with him and I hope he is truly sorry for treating me like some stupid mistake.

DAH! *sigh* okay... I think I've poured my soul out enough for one post..

I haven't put any slips of joshuadepressed.blogspot papers around.. I am afraid of rude comments..

And if You do ever find a slip, dont go sharing it with narrow minded people, make sure that all that you show it to has nothing but a neutral outlook on all this if anything. Because this isnt some joke, some stupid forward you find in your inbox, this is my life, and yes I may whine and complain every post.. But this is my outlet, the only place (besides certain friends) where I can just unhidge the floodgates of emotions and feelings that i'm holding in tight..

I think im done for the night,

Thank you for reading,

-Joshua