It seems like the only way I can really get the story going is if I am really mad or sad about something.. Well tonight, im all sorts of emotions... I just dont know..
Had a family trip weekend, went up to Salt Lake, so you know riding in a closed space for hours on end isnt the most fun thing to do.. But once we got there and got settled in, things were okay.
We were up there for a tournament for my younger brother, but we decided to call my dad's best friend. We met at a park and He and my mom talked for hours about my dad, They talked of good times, of sad times,
After they talked for a while, he wanted me to meet his 17 -year old daughter, that my mom made it obvious she wanted us to meet... Of course I thought it was hilarious on how much she actually looked forward for me meeting his daughter, she was pretty but I just don't roll that way ;)
After awkward forced conversation we got back in the car and headed back from the hotel, my mom cried the whole time, telling us stories of my Dad. I love stories about him, dont get back wrong, but no matter how many hours you spend talking about him, saying how much you miss him, saying that it isn't fair that hes gone... He IS gone.. for a long time! So why cry every day when we can just remember the good times, I miss him too...... I just don't worry about it every day.. maybe that makes me a bad son..
Anyway so we got on the subject of my Dad's friend, and my mom told us about his kids, the girl I met was 17, he had an older son 19, and I think she said 2 more sons that live different places, but once thing stuck out about one of the sons, she told us that one of the sons was Gay, and of course thats when I really tuned in, to test her reaction. Of course my siblings chimed right in saying how gross it was that he was gay, and the way my mom said it, "Yeah one of his sons is... Gay" It bothered me! Why was so wrong with it!!? You seemed to like him before you knew that fact! I hate that judge him right off the bat,
I mean here I am, Gay and sitting right next to her and she is basically bashing me! I just wanted to say it, "Im Gay mom!" but she wouldnt handle that, besides I wouldnt do it on a long car ride where there was time for...I dont know, for her to freak out the whole way home , I think when I do come out it will be somewhere I can walk away if she freaks out to much about it, I dont know..
Sorry most of this will just a be ramble, the fuming anger that started this blog is slowly draining.. I havent even gotten to the part about Alex.. Yeah as if the world doesn't already revolve around him, every thought wondering what the hell I did wrong!
ANYWAY! Back to the Salt Lake trip, My cousin that lives up there wanted to go to dinner with my other good friend, Shay. So the three of us load up in the car and set out to go find somewhere to eat, and I thought they already knew or at least thought I was Gay, but i guess not. We were stopped at a gas station and my window was down and this cute guy walks out, collar popped and super good lookin, and my cousin says SUPER LOUD "Fag alert.. Guys!! look! FAAAAAGG ALERT!!" I was .. ... SO mad you dont even know! I mean I don't like that word! I HATE IT! In fact! Its rude! Did she think it was okay to just say rude things like that!
I turned around chewed her out, "That was rude! and Dont call people that !" and another few choice things that prob dont look to threatening and mean in text form but I made sure my point came across that I WAS NOT okay with her being rude! Why am I surrounded by these narrow minded, RUDE, people?! And people wonder why I dont come out, my family is just filled with rude people..
OKAY FAST FORWARD! To sum up the rest of the trip, saw a bunch of hotties that I could never have, was embarrassed by my family being around me, my annoying uncle that thinks its hilarious to make me feel miserable and embarrassed.. , Ice skating by myself, blah blah
Today Alex talked to me for the first time in forever, yeah we have talked over text once or twice but I like face to face conversations, and I miss them with him..Even though when I think about it.. I really gave everything I could to him, I would have done ANYTHING for him to express the same feelings I had towards him, To actually want me for me!
Anyway so he texts me and I just... snapped.. Usually I try to keep all the feelings inside because he always tends to turn it around on me so I feel stupid and horrible for making him feel bad.. which isnt right!
So I just let him have it saying that I missed him, saying that it was b.s. that we havent talked, because I thought were close.. And of course he freaks out saying that "he is so sorry he had to deal with a dying father, and a windowed mother that he had to take care of and not to mention that he had the swine flu ! So geez my bad that I didnt have time to hang out with you , "
Okay well that is all very sad, but I let him have it right back, "Dont turn this around to make me feel like s*it! I am just saying that I miss you! I MISS YOU ALEX! But you just take that as me whining about nothing, that i just complain and complain, I LOST MY DAD TOO! I have listened and taken care of my mom for MONTHS and the hurt doesn't seem faded at all, You had time with your dad! YOU HAD TIME TO SAY GOOD BYE!! I know that doesnt make it any easier, Not at all, but you HAD HIM FOR LONGER! " and he just put that he has to be there for his mom, that he never wanted to stop talking but he still made it seem like it was my fault for acting stupid and missing him
Im just super tired of still wondering if he is going to change his mind and want me back.. . I know he wont, He is pushing me away, I guess I will give in and leave, forget about the good times, im just a needy , annoying waste right?
I keep getting messages from this guy who says he wants to experiment, that hes never been with a guy, I think I am going to avoid that at all costs, whats wrong with me!? Should I just stop trying at all ? All I want is something real, no more straight guys that want to try me out.. I wont put up with that, I thought Alex really cared... I wont make the same mistake with this new guy.. I will tell him up front I want the real thing, or nothing..
I think im done venting.. I think i've said all that I wanted to..
Thank you all for reading, it means so much that people I know and care about are taking the time to read these blog entries,
-Joshua
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