"You'd think that by now i'd know cuz here we go.. here go again"

WHY!!?

Why do I always drive people off? Why is it that i'm the one that is used and then throw out because the other person either "Didn't have the same feeling, not sure about feelings.." I mean how many excuses how many stupid @ss comebacks with it take for me to get it..

Don't you hate those times where your suddenly the happiest you've been in a long time and it gets snatched away not 3 days later.. Its annoying and stupid and I HATE IT!!!

Yes I am talking about Jude... Why Did I even blog about him... I feel stupid even mentioning him to anyone... I should have not said anything to anyone... Why did I think he was different? Well maybe thats how he seemed.... Or how he is different. But not into me...

Since that amazing night he's only texted me a couple times, and.. I just should have stopped trying, but I kinda felt like something was there... Hell.. I DID feel something, I like being with someone so.. amazing and understanding and...I just... HATE that I let myself think that I could have had a relationship with him..

Maybe im being over dramatic, maybe its not other people, Maybe Scott, Alex and Jude are super good people and i'm the mess.. Im the screw up, Im the one who cares to much...

Alright your probably wondering what happened with Jude.. Its not that big of deal.. like anything I talk about..

After that night he said that we could be a "together" That we just had to go on a couple of dates, and I was alright with that.. but I finally asked him how he felt about everything..

He told me that he didnt want to go on any dates because he isn't ready to be OUT yet, but you know what, when he first requested the idea of dating a little first, I was super nervous, wondering where we would go, what we would do, hold hands in public or any of that, I was worried about my family , or his family seeing us.. but then I thought "What the hell, I'll do it." Because seriously..I want to try dating too.. BUT Jude told me today he isnt ready to be OUT, and I told him that he doesnt need to..

And all he said was that he would think about it, and that he was sorry for leading me on, sorry for hurting me. SO what the hell am I supposed to do.. I get used by a complete moron (Alex)

and I think, "I guess I just wont find my someone" Then Scott (that was just his idea that I shouldnt have gone along with)

And Jude, the perfect, sweet, caring guy and I was so excited that things were finally working out. Or I thought they were working out, "Here we Go again," thinking too much into something that apparently wasnt there.. But what did I misread, the kissing, cuddling while watching a movie, the holding hands, what did I possibly misread in all of this.

I dont want to think that Jude is another Alex...but its crossed my mind.. I hate comparing the two..but they do share one common thing, being confusing about EVERYTHING.....

I guess that this is mostly my fault.. I was stupid to think that there was a decent guy out there for me... that may sound overdramatic..but hearing how Jude had to think about us, that it was obvious.. that I fell for someone that didnt want me..

Was it something I said, something I did, Was I not good enough for him? Was I not as intelligent as he thought, not as witty or humorous...I will admit that I am needy but I dont care, I just....Tend to Care WAAY to much.. It doesnt matter.. I... I was so happy that night.. and I wish I could go back and tell myself that it wouldnt last.. that it would be a temporary high,

My family keeps asking what's wrong because I sat gloomy around the house (not unusual) but ask anyone.. I was happy and smiley and just....thinking about Jude, how happy he made me and how good it felt not to be so angry or sad all the time..

I wish I could just post on facebook how i'm feeling but.. my family tries too hard to decode it and their not even close..

I just want someone to want me.. I guess i'll have to lose weight.. get muscles and look appealing before anyone will even look at me..

Whats....wrong...with..me.....

I....just.......wish...............................

that life could be fair.... that... Love could make sense and for everything to last longer...I want a happiness that LASTS......more then just a couple of days...

I........................ should just stop wanting...

thank you for reading..

joshua