Fate and Changes

Hey!!!


Oh Dear! It's been quite some time since i've blogged. I mostly don't blog because I dont have a computer of my own yet...

There is so much to catch up on! lets see. The last post was around the 9th, shouldn't have posted that one. It makes me sound like a drunk. I'm Not.


Anyways. To catch you up on October the Girls and I had a raging Halloween Party. I dressed up as a Sexy UPS Man in honor of the SEXY Ups man that comes into my work all the time. Everyone loved my costume.

B dressed as WonderWoman

A dressed as a Sexy Cop

Megs dressed as a Sexy Criminal

We also had Dustin staying at our house for that entire week, A handsome guy that I had met in passing before. He dressed as Edward Scissorhands and it was pretty much amazing.

So the night before Halloween Alex and Megs went to a party up in Ceder and got super drunk, well it was mostly just Alex. They came home and it took 30 mins to get Alex up the stairs. I got some of it on tape. She claims she knew what she was doing the whole time, but I highly doubt it.

So the next Day we cleaned and decorated and cooked for the party, we had a pretty good turn out.

During the party I did the usual. Sip drinks and mingle, but Dustin stood out to me, so I would always talk in the same group as him and throughout the night we just got closer.
We finally started talking and making eachother laugh, I kept walking up to him and massaging his back, and i'd casually walk away. Then someone had the idea to go play hide and seek in the basement. I hid in the storage room and Dustin was first to count.
As he searched he finally found me and pulled me closer to him. "Found you"

"You don't even know who this is.." I said smiling, because it was dark.

"Oh course I know, its My Sexy Ups Man, Nick"
And we kissed.

The night fast forwards on to more flirting and such. We all had breakfast that following morning, Dustin didn't really seem interested in me all through breakfast and I was just going to count it as just some amazing random night. But over the next couple of days we talked and he asked me on a date.

Let me just tell you that I always seem to work backwards, and it usually doesn't work out but it has so far, and I know it will continue to work out, but i'm getting ahead of myself.

We went on several dates, I asked him, he asked me, trading off but overall spending as much time together as possible. He is funny and charming. He is extremely handsome and smart. He is like no other guy I have ever met. He is just so.. normal. But by him being normal it makes him ever more Fantastic.
It's crazy to me that Nothing about him bothers me.

I look forward to how ever far this relationship goes . Oh am I getting ahead of myself again? He asked me to be his boyfriend December 12, 2010. :)


------------

Sorry to hurry and switch topics, but I assure you, This will not be the last post with Dustin in it. I look forward to having him in my life for a long time. I think I might be falling in love with him... But that's too personal to just sit here and babble ab0ut.

Quick updates.

I am moving out of the Escalante h0use. Me and Britters are moving in together in an apartment down town of Saint George. All I'm worried about is rent...:/...but things will work out. I know they will..


I've been more positive lately. Its mostly because I have a terrfic boyfriend , but it's really craazy how happy I am right now.

Oh and i'm working at the Movies again.
I'm trying to think of anything I have forgot to mention..


I guess thats all for today.

Thank you for reading!

OH AND A SHOUT OUT to Anna! Thanks for motivating me to write another post.

Your friend,

Joshua D.

Good Day

Today has been wonderful, its funny how little things can just keep you going.

To start off i'd like to just blog about last night, it was probably one of the dumbest things I have ever done, well.. not really dumb but just... risky? Yeah thats probably a good fit. Risky.

BUT FIRST! Lets rewind to 7 o clock, me and my Roomie went to the play Blithe Spirt at the college, it was BRILLIANT! I think it was 2 hours long, but it was soo worth it! Its about a writer who remarries after his wife dies and he accidently brings her spirit back and hes the only one that can see her and it causes conflict with his new wife, it was hilarious! I'm not going to ruin the ending, in case you ever plan to see it, but the ending was unexpecting! The whole play was just so well put together, stuff flying off the shelves from the ghost, ghosts skipping around, it was just AWESOME! I walked out of the play feeling inspired, I miss plays, I miss being in them... So me and my Roomie went home,


I had a tiny bit of Rum that I got from a friend so me and B drank it, I hadn't drank anything FOREVER, and we were bored. So we got a little buzzed and then waited for my other awesome roomies to come home. When they finally got home me and B were just lounging around the house in our "Sexy Outfits" B: Wearing fish-nets, high heels and her Stripper outfit, Me; Wearing some short pants, my Chippendale Dancer Cuffs and neck tie thingy, anyway so after being locked out of the house (which I didnt mind, let the neighbors stare lol) we came inside and got dressed. We got invited to a party at "The Apartments" A building complex known for its wild parties.

By this time my poor light-weight friend B was totally drunk, and I was just a tiny bit drunk...Anywhoser we walked down from our friends apartment that we went to first, he lives in the complex A and the party was down at the C Apartments. We made our way down and the party was raging, we fought the crowd and got in, it was probably 100 degrees + in the main room, everyone was grinding on EVERYONE, it was insane! Mostly all the guys there were all shirtless, and I was in the middle of the dance floor inches away from all of them, im pretty sure they were all straight but I didn't care.

Im not sure how long we danced before someone shouted "COPS! SCATTER!!" So everyone just books it out of the house, people pushing and screaming and trying to get out. I saw several kids from my high school, including ones from my Seminary Class, So everyone just ran outside and ran in all different directions. Me and B ran to a flight of stairs right outside the door and I saw a couple cops out on the road headed our way, I grabbed B and we ran up the stairs I heard the cops screaming, "EVERYONE DOWN ON THE GROUND!!! EVERYONE GET DOWN!! BREATHALIZERS FOR EVERYBODY!" Me and Britt ran when we met a couple other people running up too, knocking on doors, hiding from the cops. I looked down and I saw a cop and he flashed his light, he yelled, "EVERYBODY DOWN!" and I said some choice words, not to him but just out loud. I heard pounding up the stairs, a guy motioned for us to follow him and we followed him to the 3rd floor and he knocked on the door. "Let these people through" And the guy behind it swung it open and gestured us to come in. B and I ran through their apartment, down a super long hallway where other hiders were making their way to other places, some getting ready for bed. We reached the other side of the building and pushed through the door, yelling back a THANK YOU to the very kind guy that let us run through his apartment.

We crept down the stairs that led out the back of the building and we ran all the way to building A. My adrenaline was pumping, it was the most crazy thing, I know that sounds lame but it was such a thrill! We ended up staying at my friends apartment till 5 in the morning, playing truth or dare and other fun, hilarious games.

>>>>>>>>>THE NEXT DAY>>>>>>>>>>>

I woke up for work in an amazing mood, I think the first thing I did when I woke up was laugh. I played back the events in my head and just laughed at how crazy we must have looked running past people in that apartment. HILARIOUS!

So I go to work with my fingernails painted Rainbow Pride Colors because today is NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY! Oh and I wore some glitter on my eyes and face, just because I felt like it.

I kept getting weird looks at work but I didn't care, I tried not to roll my eyes as ANOTHER old person came in. For some reason this week we've had very rude old people come in in large groups, they are all almost deaf and in a bad mood... So anyway he comes up to the counter and I remember him from my high school, he would always be a main sub for the classes. He was so rude all the time, and every day he would teach he would just be in a super bad mood So I wasn't looking forward to talking with him (mostly because I helped cause trouble when he subbed our classes) Anyway, he ordered and he looked down and his eye brow went up and he looked at me weird and pointed at my nails, "Sorry but I have to ask.. why the polish?" and at first I was kinda stand offish because I wasn't about to get a lecture from some random old guy, and I thought about lying. Just so I wouldn't have to deal with any comment he would no doubt have, but I decided to just come out with it (nice choice of words.. lol) "Its the Pride Colors, its the national Coming Out Day today" and he nodded and said
"You haven't come out have you?" -Old man
"I have actually, almost a year ago" -me
And instead of scoffing or making a face he smiled and said, "That's very nice, well good for you." Although a small line formed behind him we kept talking, he asked me if my parents accepted it. I told him no, He didnt mean to pry but he wanted to know how they handled it, I said my Mom eventually kicked me out.
"That is a real shame she would do that, I can tell your a very nice young man, and it shouldn't matter who any body loves.. Are you at least living with good people?" -Old man
"Yeah I am actually, I live with 5 girls." -me
*clutches his chest* "Oh that must be exciting..and dramatic..."
"Oh yes! Very dramatic " -me
His order came up and went to go get it, I helped the other people and he ended up coming back over , we just talked about schooling, what colleges were best, he said to go with what I felt was best, I told him I loved to write, that I wanted to be an english teacher, we then brought up that he had subbed some of my classes. He laughed when I told him all the things I remembered that he did, (I didnt tell him I was often one of the trouble makers.. im not an idiot! lol) He then stuck out his hand for me to shake, and I wish I could get this quote just write, but this is how I remember it....
"Well, It was very nice to meet you. I wish you All the best of luck in life, in all that you do, I think your a good person no matter who you want to go home to, people in life need to realize that no matter who you want to go home to, who you fall in love with and who associate with has nothing to do with who you are as a person. Because even though we are all different we are all just trying to make it through life, So Good luck! "

This might sound cheesy but I was tearing up a little, It was almost like he restored all hope that I thought was lost in people in this narrow-minded hell hole of a town. I thanked him and he said he'd stop in from time to time to see how I was doing, he really in all honesty made my day.

So the rest of the day went amazingly, I was kind to every single customer after that, (I already am, but sometimes I get tired and turn on the fake smile and I just switch to auto-pilot so I dont have to directly deal with people. ) I asked people how they were, what their plans were. Its funny how one person can change your mood dramatically.

After work I went to a Candle-light Vigil that my amazing and super cute friend Jay put on, He is one of the main leaders of The Gay Straight Alliance, he is super kind and loving to everyone, I think I might have mentioned him earlier in my blog posts, I cant be sure but he is one of my dearest friends!

Anyway, sorry for typing so much! I just needed to write down what had happened, from getting chased by cops to talking with a very wise old man, that just proves that there are accepting people out there in the world. It makes me smile there is much more good in the world then bad.

Thank you for reading,

JoShUa

A Single Moment

I know I keep saying that I wont blog anymore. .But believe or not.. it gets hard sometimes when all the thoughts in my head are just stuck in there.


When I blog I just open my mind and it literally just flows like a flood down my arms, into my fingers and carefully clicks at the keys until i've poured it all out. Its relaxing because I feel like no matter how difficult the world seems, it feels nice to know that my blog will just.. take all I have, all the negative energy, all the gossip and rumors. Blogs don't judge what you write down, they just simply sit and listen.


My blog tonight is just... how moments can effect us. I think i've talked about ripple effects in previous blogs, but its strange how one moment can really change who we are.

I saw the movie Easy A, tonight with my friend Micky. One of my Housemates.

The movie (No spoilers,I promise.) is about a girl Olive (Emma Stone) that lies about losing her Virginity to help out a friend, that one choice creates a chain reaction of just...well you'll just have to see the movie. But it got me thinking about the mini Drama that goes on in my life.

(I know I shouldnt complain about boys on here because thats all I ever do.. But this has got me feeling quite down. Though I know I should just move on.. anyway... Story time!)

So theres this boy, His name is Sean. Wow as soon as I typed that sentence I lost all drive for blogging tonight , haha maybe because I know its worthless talking about it, or maybe because it involves so many other guys (which makes me sound slutty but trust me,.. Its a long and pointless, on-going story.. ANYWAY

So he is in all the plays at Tuachan, I met him through my roomates. He's basically everything i've wanted in a guy, He even gets my random jokes or, i'll randomly say a line from a movie and he's the only one who knew the title. He is also hilarious and could make everyone laugh, so one night after all of us had a sip or two of mind slurring liquid... We kissed. Ha I think in the big book of kisses, this on lands in the back, you know where i'm talking about, the very back where it just lists random authors and publishing companies, no one ever reads that page.

I am getting ahead of myself as I often do. Sean has a boyfriend. They are actually pretty cute together, Sean and Rick, the happy couple. Anyway, my roomate told me that at the party he said I was cute, that he wanted to get to know me (which I was shocked thinking a guy like him would even look at a guy like me. ) So i got talking to him, found out he is amazing, ha our conversation actually started with his head in the toilet expelling various strong liquids and me saying... "Are you okay man? " Imagine my suprise when he lifted up his head and smiled at me, it was Sean. So I got him a glass of water, and we got talking.

We like all the same things, and in a moment he put his hand on my face and said to me, "Thanks for the water" (dont worry this isnt the part with the kiss, he had just barfed! Come on now!)
In that moment.. everything changed. To me it was a gesture of thank you, I was sitting right next to him and I had just helped him get some water. But to any outside viewer it would appear most scandelous, For the shadow that eclipsed the small over head hall light (which sounds super dramatic now that I think about it, because the person in the doorway (Rick, Sean's man was incredibly short. ) All it took was that moment, him seeing us to plant an idea in his head. (That I was trouble.) Rick took off up the stairs and huffed as and tried to talk to him, not that I owed him any explanation for the NOTHING that had happened, but to apologize for having it look like it was something it was not. I explained to him that I got his boyfriend some water, and we talked. Simple as that.


His boyfriend didnt like me after that night, when we would hang out and i'd be excited to see Sean, Rick would always be holding his hand or cuddling up next to Sean. Which made me a little mad but, hey I knew they were boyfriends, and I never get the happy ending, so I didnt know why Rick hated me so much.

Weeks passed and we hung out occasionally, then one night a event was planned where he and Sean would come over and play board games with the roomates.

They cam over around midnight and we set up a drinking game that someone had made up with playing cards. Each of us had picked our poisen and got busy playing the hilariously funny game, all the while I couldnt help but see Sean giving me funny looks and winking at me when Rick wasn't looking. No for once it wasn't in my imagination, I just had this feeling that had things be different, we could have gone on dates and had fun... Woulda Coulda Shoulda.. anyway, I devoted all my time in to talking to Rick, making him laugh, making special efforts to just try to appear to be the nice guy out of all of this. Because truthfully, I didn't WANT to break them up, it was my soul purpose to keep their relationship in tact, even though I had a crush on one of them. So I ignored Sean's looks and sexyisms and we ended up drinking away.

The game got old and everyone went upstairs, I announced that I was going to get a movie from my room to watch upstairs, I know its bad, but since I'm already going to hell i'll share with you a little secret wish I had. I wished that the laws of everything right and just would point in my direction, I wished that Sean would follow me down. Just so we could talk... we had so little time, and I felt like I was running out of time to get to know him. So I decended the stairs, not looking up to see him cuddling on the couch with Rick. I got to the bottom step when I heard his voice, and the couch making a noise
"Wait up, i'll help pick a movie" So I went to my room, which was clean...thankfully. And I started looking at the movies, he came up behind me and just held onto me, I told him I really liked him. That I knew he and Rick were cute together and I didnt want to mess up anything between them... He started kissing my neck and my heart literally sped up so fast it stopped all together, in a rush of messy thoughts I was torn. I really liked him, this felt nice.. But I knew deep down that at the end of the night, he'd be with Rick. And i'd be alone. So I simply said, "You should stop, if Rick see's this he'll freak!" and then he kissed me, Quick. Not even a second, he pulled away and just looked at me and smiled...I'd give anything to just have that moment last a second longer. But as Great moments tend to be, it was gone. All that wondering if he would ever like me back, the inkling in the back of my mind where I swore that look he gave me was more then he let on.. It just felt so nice. So we picked a movie, and went upstairs. Rick didn't even look at me, he was busy talking to my roomate to even notice I was gone.

The movie idea turned out to be a dud because we got a call from my friend to go over to his house, so my Roomie that hadn't been drinking drove us over there. Tall and beautiful Shalex driving, Megga Legga in the passenger seat, Britters, Rick, and Sean in the back, and me in the very back, open trunk area. The ride over was blur but Sean kept looking back at me and he'd look me up and down and smile, then Rick would catch him looking and smile at him and they started kissing.

This next part is a little fuzzy for me, but I shouldn't blame it on that... I knew perfectly well what I was doing, I could blame it on the drink, but that would be lying. Sean put his hand on my face WHILE kissing Rick and slide down to my chest and then down to my hand (dont worry not too dirty..wrong, but not dirty) and he squeezed it. So now I'm feeling.. Not sure.. Like a slut maybe, here he was swapping saliva with his boyfriend while holding my hand in the back seat...player...ANYWAY

The night went on with more looks, then when we got back to the house. They left without a word. Sean texted me an hour later and he said that he was sorry for kissing me. The fool I was I texted back "...you know what...Im not" Because truthfully, I was happy I got to kiss him, even for a moment. But he had told Rick and that confirmed all he thought about me. Rick was now completley sure that I was scum. Even though it wasn't my fault Sean kissed me, the fact that I liked it was probably really horrible of me.

So the days went on and me and Sean texted occasionally, he said that he wanted to hang out before he left for New York to be in a play, my time with him was an hourglass with only a few more grains, I knew that nothing would change between him and Rick, and I was a horrible person for maybe having a tiny flicker of hope. On the morning of his big going-away party I got a call.

I had been on the fence about going because I didn't want Rick to hate me, but I needed to see Sean again, its kinda like a inner torture thing with me, like you know when you get your braces tightened and you bite down and it hurts like hell but at the same time it feels somewhat good, so you keep doing it. Thats what its like with me and guys I cant have, If I see them everyday i'm reminded that I cant have them, it hurts like hell but I'd rather have that then not seeing them at all...

So I got a call from one of my Roomies, telling me that I could not attend the party that night. (Before the party was going to be at our place so I HAD to be there) but Rick planned it some where else on a whim, (wonder why) and called my Roomie and told her to make sure I didn't come. Rick told several people at the party (which some people asked about me) that I couldn't come because I had a crush on Sean and he didnt want me to be there.

So I sat at home. Wondering if Sean even cared that I couldn't go, I stayed away and I stared at the ceiling just thinking. Thinking how one moment can lead to another.

If I hadnt been at that party that night, I wouldnt have ever helped Sean down in the bathroom, Rick would have never seen us and had idea in his head to hate me. That party started alot of ripples that unhinged my "normal" life. That was the party that my Mom kicked me out of the house , Flash forward to where the ripples end in some places, I'm now living on my own, broke as hell but living. Rick hates me, I am not sure if Sean ever even liked me or if I was just one guy he could never do, That one night changed a lot.

Moments can change everything, for the good or for the bad. I learned that I can somewhat make it in life, I have the help of some pretty amazing friends, one being my amazing awesome cousin E, for letting me sleep in her guest room, for doing a million favors in more, that I hope I can repay one day.

I guess what the obvious point is of this blog... Take all the moments, whether they be good, bad, ugly, beautiful, inspiring, depressing, Lovely or hateful, take them all and just trace them back, remember how you got there , why you got there, and never forget to live in the Great Moments because once this is all gone... that's all we are going to have.

I can learn my mistakes, but thats what life is about... remembering all that we've done....

That one time I was rebellious and went to a party

That one time I helped someone throwing up in the bathroom, who turned out to be this amazing guy.

That one time we talked in class one time and ended up close friends years later

That one time you were cutting my hair and we talked about Boy Drama for the first time

That one time......Remember it, cherish it, live , breathe it, own it, never be afraid to make the wrong decision..it could very well end up leading to a right moment.

__________________________________
See this is what happens when I dont blog for a while.. it just...flows out in a SUPER long blog weeks later...
but I stand by what I said, im not perfect. To hell with anyone who thinks thats how they should be.

Love you all, thanks for reading... for those who made it to the end, you get a gold star.

Joshua

Free!

I am not sure why I was so angry in my other post, but those still reading or at least checking in, thank you.


I haven't had the chance to drive clear to the library to write out a post about whats going on in my life right now, i'm even having trouble typing because i'm out of practice!


The sum it up,


I went to a party. The Warden found I wasn't home and she kicked me out.

I moved in with my Amazing cousin E for a week, her family made me feel so Welcomed and Loved,

A room opened up in my friends house,

I now live with 6 other girls in an amazing PARTY CENTRAL HOUSE!

I'm flat broke most of the time, but thats alright. I Love being out of the house, on my own.

Like all the time I spent there didnt matter because now i'm out and im FREE, to do WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT! ...Lol

My love life is......Rocky, and complicated but thats okay, i'm not bitter about anything, for once I feel like I shouldnt be blogging, I should just go live my life.

Although I love to pour out my soul on these pages, I think its time I stopped blogging for a while, not just because I have no computer but.. I should stop complaining and just..LIVE.

Thanks for reading, i'll post when I can or if I want to,

-Joshua

Unravelled

Do you ever have those days where you just want to scream and scream...

I've had quite a few the past couple of days,

For starters I am trying not to blog as much, somone told me that I dont really have the need anymore...So i've tried to refrain from opening up my mind and pouring it out on this page....I've missed it though, it feels like all this time between my last post has been me breathing in and holding it, and this is like breathing out, its so relaxing...

Work has been HELL! I dont know if its just me...but I seriously am struggling at work,

My manager has been on my case about EVERYTHING it feels like my first day at work again, she is always nagging, yelling and making me feel stupid in front of the customers, one day she says, "Why do you hate me" and I was shocked and I was like, "You know it takes alot for me to hate someone, and I dont hate you" and she looks at me and points her finger and says

"What? you want to put my head in the fryer!? You want to kill me" and all my co workers look over and look interested so my manager keeps saying it and they all look at me and I go, "I didnt say that, what are you talking about" and she just has this fake scared look on her face and she never says, "Just kidding " so my co workers think i'm a freak...

Oh and theres the whole problem with StupidAss Scott, if your a frequent reader of my blog you'll see him come up last year, he was this straight guy who wanted to try out a guy, (me) I never really like him like that, he just isnt my type.. ANYWAY! Fast forward to present time.. He has this boyfriend now that I knew in high school, his boyfriend is constantly telling me things like, "So do you still like Scott? I know you do, just tell me" or, "I'm sorry if you dont want to hear about our date because you still like scott" and NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TELL HIM I DONT LIKE SCOTT HE DOESNT BELIEVE ME!

Does it make me crazy to suddenly be able to relate to crazy people? or maybe I should say people who arent crazy but everyone thinks they are, no matter how much they say they arent crazy, it just makes them sound even more crazy, to the point where they get angry and OH! it makes them look EVEN CRAZIER!

Just like the days were you come into work in an okay mood and someone says, "Why are you so mad"
me: "I'm not mad."
"Yes you are! Why are you mad? just tell me!"
me: "I promise you i'm not mad"
"Okay , wow someones grumpy"
ANd by the time you get down to it, you realize you ARE MAD that they simply wont listen, it makes me want to tear my hair out!

So listen up! I DO NOT, WILL NOT, EVER IN A MILLION ZILLION YEARS LIKE SCOTT ASSFACE LOSERHEAD.

I am not jealous of him, I could care less what he does, THE FREAKING END!.

Ahem...

I just feel like i'm unravelling, which sounds kinda cheesy but.. day by day I just... feel like the rope i've been holding onto is slowly being cut, By my boss, by idiots who wont listen, How much can the rope put up with until it snaps?

I am not sure if I've already blogged about my sisters wedding.. I dont think I have.. but I can sum it up. (sorry I'm really not in the mood to blog anymore..but i've missed it...)

It was beautiful, my sister looked stunning in her dress, the grooms side was a bit scary... and mostly rude... but thats alright! I talked with the DJ the whole time, he was super cute and just my luck, he was Gay. :) We talked all night and kissed, He was alot of fun, but as my luck would have it.. he lives in Salt Lake. Ah well right? I'll get out of here one day I guess... Just not anytime soon...

I need some advice...How do you make someone believe you? Should I just not care.. but i've tried that.. not caring is worse because they never give in,...I hate people sometimes...I dont need extra people slicing away at my rope when I was doing fine cutting it myself...

Thats all for now.. Sorry if I seem Bipolar or whatever,.

I'll wait longer until my next post... no use reading this one anyway, if anyone still is...Hello? Anyone alive out there? *tap* *tap* *tap*

-joshua

Drowning in an ocean of thoughts

Wow.. ha here I am at the library posting..


Does it make me paranoid to hope that no one reading over my shoulder, I guess my posts arent as juicy as they were before, if you hadn't the few ones I have posted have been either really optimistic, or really depressing.



I finally watched "Remember Me" with the amazing and gorgeous Robert Patts,
I have to admit I wasn't feeling up to seeing it because.. I wont spoil anything but I had heard that someone dies...

I will let you go out and see it so I wont talk about it in full detail.. it just made me think alot of stuff.. How everyone has their own story, everything that happens in life has so many angles that most of us never see.

So if you in the mood to be depressed, I suggest you see it. I was already depressed when I saw it and it brought be down lower, haha but thats alright... I guess?

I have felt lately that I dont belong anywhere, even with people I should be trusting and depending on.. I feel like I dont belong with most of my friends, some seem too good for me, I know its probably just low self esteem but sometimes I can actually talk myself into feeling the lowest of low.. Stupid I know but I cant help it.. is there something wrong with me ? I ask myself that often...

I came to the library to talk about being depressed but i'm bored. Ha . I might cut this one short. Bleh

I really should go sign up for school.. it just seems like so much to do, its overwhelming..

Oh. I dont know if I mentioned that I wrote a couple of paragraphs as if I were being Unwound (from the book Unwind) and I set it to one of the producers of the movie and he loved it, Ha I dont know what I was hoping for, maybe.. I dont know having him call me to come be in the movie!? Lol but apparently what I wrote wasnt THAT amazing. My Prize (and i'm not trying to sound ungreatful...but.. ) Its a t-shirt. yaaaaay. Lol I know i'm a brat.. But I would rather have a role in the movie then a tshirt... but thats a long shot right? Why get your hopes up when you know it never turns out the way you want it to......

-Joshua

Life = Boring

Its been so long since my last post!! I have been going insaaaane not being able to post!


not much to tell though, Still living at home.. Still under the watch of The Warden.. Who thinks a small hole in the wall is an outrageous trade to being able to have internet. UGH!

Lets see updates..


I'm still single. ha. But I am sorta getting to the point where I am okay with it, That even though i'm lonely I know i'll find my guy one day....Soon? meh i dont know! Ha i am just trying to trick myself into being happy with the life I have right now :)

Its crazy to know that so many of my friends are either out of this Hell Hole or getting out, People are migrating to Salt Lake and the Logan Area and im super jealos! Despite working a semi-horrible job, I have almost no savings... Do to random acts of shopping because i'm either depressed or I have nothing else to do... i swear the week my car when out of business was the week I saved teh most money, I found scraps of food around the house, tried to walk to my friends house..Thats why my plan is to live in the college apartments and get a bike.. Hm what do you think? That would help me lose weight...which is harder then I realized... BLEH!

Gosh I hate blogging at the library, screaming kids and random people looking over at me... Oh and not to mention homely library ladies... I swear..she is talking so loud...isnt this a library... arent there rules here.. lol

Wow sorry i'm just babbling because I feel like the first time in a month i'm expressing how I really feel, Its an "Emotional Hemliech" ha.. from Pushing Daisies.. seriously look up that show, In fact I might just talk about it right now Spoilers Alert!!!

Oh... nevermind on that.. I'll save that for another blog.. I have to go get measured for my tux..

My sister is getting married..Yay! Me and her father and law are both walking her down the isle... thats what she wanted...I just cant wait to be part of a wedding..because one day.. it will be me getting married.!! AH! cant wait!

Whos coming to my wedding raise your hands..!? alright im done.. :)

-Joshua

Eclipse and other ramblings

Hey there,


This post isn't to ramble on and on about how great the movie, "Eclipse" was. Even though i'm pretty sure that if I was asked to talk about it.. I would for hours on end. It was pretty amazing...


My focus tonight (as i often get off track in my blogs) is to focus basically on Love.



Oh stop rolling your eyes I know I mention it whenever possible, I am just wondering if I should give up on it for a while. I look around me and I just feel like there is someone for everyone. True I have single friends but I can perfectly picture each one of them settling down and getting married, having a family. The looking glass is kinda blurry when I try to look ahead for myself...

I know i'm young. I'm 19 years old.. But i'm lonely.... I'M LONELY

It doesn't matter how many parties I have with my friends, or movie night, ice-cream runs or late nighters... in the end i'm still alone... Mr. Right doesn't exsist. I am starting to figure that out, I know that no one is perfect, and I don't expect them to be.. but for once I'd like to meet a guy that fits with me... Not too crazy, perfect amount of charm and wit, not a player, someone to always make me feel special and to never have any doubt in my mind...

I've had dreams lately (yes its cheesy) of my own wedding,

I'm standing at the end of the isle, I am looking around at all the people, my family included, all of them grown and matured.. I haven't ever seen my mother at my wedding, I look around but I don't see shes there, but just then I look up and he is there, this man that I'm just meeting for the first time.. But I know him.. He smiles at me as he walks down the isle.. He reaches me and he takes my hand... I look at him and I just.. Know that all the loneliness, that all the heartache, all the stupid boys that broke my heart don't matter anymore because this MAN in front of me.. promising to love me forever,

I never make it to the kiss though, I wake up for a sudden urge to get a drink or my alarm goes off.. each time I see it differently, One time I am sitting in the audience watching, sometimes I am the man walking down the isle walking towards a Man i've never met until then.

I wake up each time before I can study his face, to know who i'm looking for.

The dream is always unexpected, but just as powerful as the last time I have it.

I want to get married some day... But I'm just no good at dating! Which is kinda the basic step towards the long road to marriage. I mean the guys i've been with haven't been shining examples of normal, I think i've only been on 2 actual dates...

Another thing is, My Gay-Dar SUCKS.... I am not sure why.. But I can't pick up if someone is Gay or not, some guys are just incredibly attractive and for a moment I am sure that I saw a flicker of something in them, something deep down... But I'd never have the courage to just....Ask him out! What about the answer... He'd either say , ".. I have a girlfriend...Faggot.."
"Uhh......No thanks man..."
Ya know? I mean how do I practice my Gaydar?

A perfect example is the UPS man at work (yes I know I have a lot of crushes, but you have to have little back up plans in case the guy you like has a girlfriend or wife or whatever)

I can honestly say that I am a crazy crush on the UPS Man, so what do I do about that? Strike up conversation.. I've tried...

Do I ask him out? Do I flirt it up.. or play it straight? Do I ask him to hang out, or go to dinner... its all just confusing and complicated.. Because he'd either freak out because hes married... or turn me down because i'm not "The average Gay Guy"
I don't wear tight pants, I don't know alot about fashion.. I'm not perfect and skinny and flawless..

I'm a messy, overweight, acne-ridden Guy who doesn't really fit in with the Beautiful Gays...

And trust me.. when i'm around some of my Gay friends (which i wish i had more normal ones) They treat me like i'm some misifit.. even amongest them (not that being Gay makes me a misfit.. but I sometimes feel lonely being the only sane one.. lol

So what if I don't know a certain Madonna song, So what if I dont worship her!
So what if I have no idea who designed your shoes, or bag or jacket...

I am just a normal guy who happens to Love Men. Isn't there any guy like me out there? I'd like to think so.. Someone out there right now, writing in his journal..or blogging about how much he needs a normal guy in his life...

Is he the UPS Man?
The cute life guard from the pool?
The random guy at the grocery store that held eye contact for longer then he should have

Where do I begin? How do I begin on just trying to have fun with life and not worrying about it...

I hope my dream guy is out there someday, he has to be right? There has to be someone out there for everyone....right?

All I know is that seeing him walking down that isle when I have that dream gives me a tiny flicker of hope.. that one day it will be real... and i'll be so dumbfounded as he's walking down to me, (or me to him) I know its a long way off.. but I'd like to think that it WILL happen one day..

I dont mean to be so up and down all the time, this is just coming from the top of my head and I am really just thinking through text...

I don't know what time I work tomorrow, so I should probably call it a night..

Night everyone...

-Joshua

To Know

Can you really base the personality of a person by hearing it from other people ?

How many facts actually trickle down the line that are true.


The Guy I met.. the one I considered to start liking has turned out (through facts of other people) to be nothing more then a player.. It doesn't matter anyway, it was just a small crush, I just feel so alone these days...

The friends I hang out with view hooking up as just another thing, that sex is only as great as the next hook up... I just .. dont know anymore.. Its hard to be the only one that feels bad after a hook up, I've said this before but I think i'll just have to be less sensitive. I wont be slut or anything.. I.. I dont know i'm just rambling here..


"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, I could really use a wish right now.."

I wish for enough money to go to college somewhere far away,

I wish for a normal guy to like me,

I wish I could find a place to move out..

I wish I had a body that guys would go crazy for...

Thats the only thing about wishing.. I can just stand in one place forever and wishing would get me no where..

If only life was that easy, that Fairytale Fantasy.. Where I could just look up at the stars, pick the brightest one and just close my eyes and wish, open my eyes to find that all my dreams were coming true..

Cinderella had it so easy, sure she had a horrible step- mother, but instead of standing still she went to the ball and eventually won Prince Charming,

Snow White just had to be stupid enough to take an apple from a creepy old woman, her Prince came right to her,

I could go down the line talking about the different stories but I think you get the point. That the real world is hard, there are no easy choices like whether to go to a ball or to take a shiny apple. We deal with deaths, changes, ups and downs, storms, disappointments, sadness..

I feel so weighed down by it these days, I look and I see my friends all happy, moved out and on their own. Having parties where they dont remember to call me, what fun would I be anyway? Go and sit and watch people drink, knowing that i'll have to be home in a couple of hours.. I feel like my blog as come in a full circle, it started sad,I was depressed and felt worthless.. it got happier... but not much.. and here I am typing again... I was even going to type a Fathers Day blog, but I figure I mention him one time in all the posts, I realize that my life is not interesting.. I just stand in one place, the only thing that changes is the backdrop..

I stand at work, behind the counter and take orders from stupid people who dont even know what they want, I get yelled at and chewed out .. teased, bugged, I get home... I stand as my family packs up the house, ready to move.. I dont want to move with them, I watch them go to BBQ's that I dont want to go to, go to the movies, etc. I go to friends houses and I stand, the only one not drinking at the fun parties, I'm always just standing.. Am I just lazy.. Lazy for not starting College when I should have, Lazy to not go chasing after guys... Is it my fault i'm suffering so much? Be honest...

what should I do? I dont have that much savings, .. I dont have much of anything... ..

I watched The Lovely Bones again tonight, it was actually kind of beautiful, I mean yes it had its disturbing moments but over all it was a pretty movie visually.. It made me think of Death, how it would be to still be here.. after you die.. I think i'd like that.. To be able to stay here and watch life go by.. That's what I'm gonna do.. So if I happen to die early in life, I'll be around haha.. I'll go find those T.V. shows that do Ghost Investigations and i'll mess with them! haha..sorry i'm just rambling now, so nothing new..I just like the idea of souls still being here after they've died on Earth.. Anywhoser..

i'm gonna head to bed now... I hurt all over for some reason.. lol I know i'm over dramatic.. but its true...


*sigh*

joshua

Endless Wishing

I have had A LOT on my mind lately,


I see so many of my friends going somewhere in life, some releases Demo's of their music, some already accepted into the finest arts schools in the country....


I work ....at Burger King.... that is a -58 on the point system of things that matter in life..


I have little savings, not enough to move out, not enough to really go to school... I'm just stuck.. .


We move out of our house soon and I can honestly say I DONT WANT TO LIVE AT HOME ANYMORE.

I'm just tired of it all,

I met someone a couple days ago, honestly... the most perfect guy i've ever met... He is friends of a friend, which makes it sound bad instantly. We just got talking and I found out we have tons in common, He is an Artist/Singer/Actor.. His Art is like nothing i've ever seen.. Its breathtaking, the way he describes photography is just beautiful

"... I think that's often what makes a good photographer, someone who knows how to find the moments in life, moment for moment, and who can capture and share them with the world. It's all about showing the world what YOU see. "

The one guy I can actually see myself with, a guy that I can tell isn't crazy... Is taken. Oh not to mention moving to New York to become a "Famous Artist" Its strange to think that people already know exactly what they want, and they put pieces of themselves into the world to be discovered, cherished, and sold..

I wish that I could just write a story or paint a picture that will change the world, my stories aren't any good, most are unfinished because i've lost the drive for it...

How come I am the only one that is just... Here.. I'm not taking any classes, I dont have a fancy, high paying career, I don't own an amazing house with a view.. Im just here, frozen.. stuck and hating it...

Sometimes when I get to thinking too much, I realize how behind in life I already am.. and sometimes.. very rare times a black cloud fogs up my head....I can picture the note i'd leave for my family, something clever, something to express how empty and how lonely I feel... I can picture the way the wind feels as it screams by me, i'm in my car.. somewhere high up, I can feel the car lurching towards the side, the instant lift off, the weight of the front of the car pulling down, plunging... I can see the ground catching up to the underside of the car, and in a moment of weightlessness, I feel....Regret...

I hope none of you think i'm morbid or insane... But the last part really makes me not want to kill myself.. I can actually picture what it would be like to lose everything in a second, to regret the decision as soon as i've left the cliff, or whatever...

I know I just have to cheer up, but when everything in the world is screaming for you to jump....how can you just.. not pay attention and stay frozen... like I am ...


If I wished on a star, for now it would be "For him to like me back" ha.. which is probably a mistake because I tend to fall for the crazies.... Also he has a link to one of my past flings, and I am not sure I like that.. I know everyone has a past.. it makes us who we are.. but why did he have to get with HIM!? haha....

Oh, I don't know if i've already mentioned this.. but I saw Valentines Day for the first time yesterday, it was the cutest movie, the ending...with one of the couple was....AMAZING!!! AH! haha so thats your homework assignment for this blog, Go and watch Valentines Day!

...Oh..and another regret I have.. Making this blog anonymous.. I see my friends with their blogs.. and they are brilliant and they truly express who they are... I like that.. I don't like talking about things as if its another person i'm talking about... ya know? Sorry to much babble...

Oh great.. I mentioned my crush in a blog, that never works out well... 1. Now he cant have the link to the blog 2. I jinxed the relationship before it began..


For now.. i'm off to bed....

-Joshua

Losing Yourself

I've been really DOWN lately,


Ha, but when am I even NOT Down?



I went to my first official party last night,


The only reason I talked myself into going was taking a chance on meeting someone NEW.

My bud Frankie wanted me to meet one of his guy friends who was single, so I thought "Hey, I dont usually do this..." So I went to the party.

I could tell right away that the guy he wanted me to meet wasn't my type, but I guess thats why I am single now... and have had short relationships in the past..

Picky picky picky..

I only knew ONE person at the party, it was Frankie. I was driving so I didn't drink anything they had, which was a lot, flavors and mixes I hadn't even heard of, part of me just wanted to join.. to tip the glasses back and just.. LOSE MYSELF..

...forget about work

forget about being single....

forget about Home....

I've never been SUPER DRUNK, i've only had a couple shots here and there with other friends...

But seeing the people at the party drinking, tossing back the pretty liquid, getting tipsy,... It made me just want to join,

How much does it take to lose yourself? I'm not just talking about Fruity Drinks or "Legal Weed" smoked from apples,

How much does it take to lose yourself, who you are, the walls you build every day to keep out the flooding of the world...The walls that keep out what can harm us,
What about the walls that keep things in, the hurtful things, the things that go on in our mind.

What does it take to let down the walls?

Money?

Fame?

Drinks?

Drugs?

A wink or a smile in your direction?

A flirty text?

I saw several people just fade , they turned from shy and quiet to loud and flirty.. with EVERYONE. How many of them will remember how many drink's they had the night before, who they talked to?

I haven't hit my party days...But I know for a fact that I never want to be so far gone that I cant control what's going on or what i'm doing... Control is so easily lost once your mind has slipped..

I'm sorry I just have so much on my mind..


I'm tired of living at home. Things with the Warden have gotten a little better, but its only because I am never around anymore. I get home from work and she asks if I want to go see a movie with the family, I tell her I have plans (when most of the time I dont) She asks if I want to go see the new house, I say I have plans, because I dont want to see the new house because I DONT WANT TO LIVE WITH HER ANYMORE!

I don't at all feel scared by what she'll do if I get home later then she says, but I just cant take the fighting anymore, the vileness of what she says to me, its not worth being HAPPY for a few more hours of being out of the house,

I will admit that I was glad to be going home from that party because it wasnt fun to watch people have a good time..and have them all remind me that I wasn't drinking,

When it came time to leave I was hoping Frankie would come with me so I didn't look like the only lame one leaving the party, He ended up saying the line that I don't blame him for..

"Oh.. your leaving now.. Okay I can go with you if you want... ..But I mean.. i'm fine here.. But.. I mean I can go with you if... ya know if you want"

I just smiled and let him off easy, trying to to look as crappy as I felt.. I told him to stay and have fun, and he took the bait and went back to the party, I don't expect other people to sacrifice their good times, I just wish I could have been one of those people having a good time,

I just need to get out of my house, move out, I just want to go to a party and have a good time, maybe have a few drink and just dance and have fun..

I just feel so lost right now, like.. Stuck..
I know I said in my last post that i'd try to be more positive, but its hard when everyday things remind me that i'm Lost.

The one person I want and need advice from is busy, Not that I blame her...I know everyone has bigger problems them me, ones that are actually important...Not to make her mad at me or anything but she seems kinda lost too...

I'm sorry about this post, it was just a bunch of my thoughts on a lot of things..


I don't know how much longer I can take this....

Goodnight.....

What I Want...

Hey there.



Quick and boring updates before I begin a long droning blog post,

I am not moving out of my house into freedom,

Turns out the Wardens house isn't selling, so shes not moving a town away with the kids.

So i'm still stuck at home....


*sigh*




Alright so my post tonight is really just thinking about Love. I know , I know! I talk about it often, I whine CONSTANTLY about how much I want to find the right guy, BLAH BLAH BLAH!

Well tonight is different.. Well. Kinda.

I watched the movie that i've been wanting to see for a while. The title sounds a bit much, but if you can't handle it by now then I have no idea while your still reading this blog, you do know its by a Half Insane Gay man right? Okay just making sure!


The movie's title is "The Big Gay Musical!" and dont you worry, it was as cheesy as it sounds, it was about two guys trying to find a healthy relationship in the Gay community, They are also in an Off-Broadway play titled, "Adam and Steve:The way God Made 'em" (haha) Anyway, in the movie their friends are these big "Manwhores" that just want to sleep with everyone they meet (which reminds me a few people i know...) NOT ME! You thought I was talking about me werent you!? Well I wasnt! I was talking about someone else! I dont wanna do EVERYONE i meet! Okay sorry anyway..


It just made me realize that I dont want to be the Gay guy that goes to a party gets 110 percent alcohol in my system and just leave with a random stranger every night and "Hook up"

I want the real thing, I want to meet someone REAL and Date and have fun! I don't want to work backwards anymore.....
I'm going to try to change my attitude about being single, because I am tired of just hooking up for the fun of it...

I may sound like an idiot but i'm just done with fakeness, I want have someone there and know they'll be there, right next to me in the morning... ya know?

Every guy i've been with up to this point has been a very backwards version of how its supposed to work, I'm trying to be better, I'm trying to be a good person...


Okay i'm sorry, this was a random post, but that movie just got me thinking about how sad the "Sex every night with a random guy" Plan just.. leaves you empty at the end of the day, I hope I haven't given anyone the idea that i'm that type of a guy, because i'm not. I've made my mistakes, But I know what I want... I know that I want a Husband, a house in Ireland, and maybe...Even a couple kids..........................................................................................................Or dogs... I'm up for anything :)

Well goodnight,

I may be living in Hell, but I am looking forward to getting out soon!

-Joshua

Moving Out

Wow.

I haven't posted in a while.... I guess I just haven't had anything to talk about.


My job is lame. They've been cutting more and more hours, so that means i'll probably have to go get another job...


I move out next week to my cousin E's house.


I just dont want to be in the way, I don't want to just be some person that interfering with their lives.

I don't have much savings, I am saving all that I can and its not much..

I have to go get my car re-registered, but I need to find insurance first.


My mom is being very unhelpful in that department, I've never heard of half the questions and terms they ask.. its all too much to handle, so I dont even know if I am looking in the right places for stupid insurance...

I've packed up my room. It's almost scary to look around my room, at the empty walls and the 4 boxes... Those 4 boxes..

How cant 19 Years of life fit into 4 Boxes... its crazy!

My room echoes now, No posters, no funny quotes or comments... just blank....

I'm sad to be leaving. But I know its for the best..

Even though "The Plan" requires me to move back in with my stupid mother,

Live at E's for 2-3 weeks,

Move back in with the Warden until I can move out with my friends.. I hope I can save up enough by then,

I dont know when I'm going to start applying for grants and stuff for school.. Another thing that no one will really help me with, I mean sure then tell me to go to this building and get this form and turn it here but.. I've never done this before.. I have no clue how to do ANYTHING...I feel so stupid !

All i know is that I need to apply soon so I can have money to get a laptop, the one my sister gave me almost 2 years ago doesnt work anymore... My head hurts..


I'm just tired of not knowing....

I know moving to E's will make me a bit more sane, but I just already hate the fact that i'll have to move back into insanity in 2-3 weeks.. But I guess I shouldn't look at it like that.. I'll look at it like its a 2 week vacation from my family... from the loud, obnoxious people that torture me..

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a strange note...

Its been a Year since my Dad died. I was going to write a blog yesterday but I was too tired.. lol, But a Year ago yesterday I woke up at 11 and got a phone call from a sobbing Mother that my Dad had died.

I can still see that moment in my head, hear her voice as she said "Hes dead Nick...Dad..." and I said, "Your Dad? Grandpa? Oh i'm sorry..." and she said... and I can just hear it.. why wont it leave.... "No Nick.. Your Dad..." I just remember getting down on the floor and hanging up the phone and just holding my head.. I was suddenly the most dizzy i've ever been.. and I just screamed... "Its not true... WAKE UP ITS NOT TRUE" Ha.. sorry if i'm getting too personal with everything, but The Day replays in my head.. over and over.....

The day fading together.. picking up Aubrey... watching her face.. just.... Oh her face as she walked into the office..."Aubrey.. sit down, somethings happened"

Fast forward in my mind... to something that I hope to never see again... I wish I could just take it out of my head... You dont know how.. much it haunts me... Going down to my little brothers elementary school..... Calling him in.. seeing him walking down the hall.. smiling... 9 Years old and no clue what was about to happen.... Safe in his world.... Where he woke up to Dad leaving for work, going to school, learning, playing with other kids, coming home from school and waiting for Dad to get home to play in the yard or go hiking...

"Sit down Zac, we need to talk to you." He looked at me... Oh God.. ..His eyes.. looking from me to my sisters back to his principal... He just nodded... Why Did God want to see the light fade from my brothers eyes? TO see the life RIPPED OUT From underneath us? I am not sounding dramatic but I saw the future sucked right out of Zac, No more Dad. No more camping trips, no more yard work with Dad, no trips out to the dump when we'd stop and get some burgers, just the Guys. Oh it hurts...it hurts to look at him and wonder if he is going to be okay..

One Year Ago from Yesterday was the worst Day.. A Day that should have been like any other day... Where Dad would go to work and come home. Why take him when he was only 45 ? That is nothing in the scheme of things...

I'm sorry for being dramatic.... Just getting in my blogging...........

I can feel that my family is doing better about him being gone, I only cry when I blog about him and I really look back and wonder why we had such a short time with him


I'm done blogging for now.. Probably for a while, after next Tuesday I wont have a computer.....

So I guess this is goodbye for now.....

thank you for anyone out there still reading...

-joshua

What Am I Going To Do?!

I feel so hollow right now.. like.. I'm going to just... vanish in thin air at least that would solve something


WHAT SHOULD I DO..

The Warden has given me till June 1st to be out then BOOM

The house gets an offer and we all have to get out in a month... Then my Mom tells me we are moving to Hurricane until our house is finished. Far from Friends.

Work.

LIFE.

The alternative is living with my mousy sister ! HELL NO

THen my Mom pitches the idea of living with her 2 months longer past the Kick Out day.. oh thats nice of her!
Except that I will have to watch my siblings. NO PAY.

Never break curfew and live by her rules.. Shall we review them?

No bringing guys home,

No talking about Guys,

No hanging out past Midnight..

NO FUN NO LIFE WHHHYYY


I am seriously done with all this Drama SHIT


I am a loser for getting a job so late.

I'm a loser for not having any BACK UP money...

I am a loser for...just....everything.. Why do I even try anymore.. I'm done.


I feel so empty.. But I guess i'm just some whiney loser that doesn't deserve to be happy.

soooooooo empty.. I can feel it... I can actually feel it... I'm no one.. Nothing..


..........................


what am i going to do...

....I cant.....I just cant do this anymore...


.....

Ripple Effect

I shouldn't be up!



I am sooo going to regret this in the morning, I have to work at 8:30... So if i'm late for work.. I blame my mind!



I have just been thinking a lot, about how we effect people. How each and everything we do... no matter if we know it or not... effects other people.


I wonder how many people i've effected for the bad.. I know I try and tell myself that I wouldn't, that I would do anyting I could to never hurt someone else.. But have I? I have no idea!

Am I the only one that really thinks about this at the end of the day? OF all the stuff I think about? Is it normal for so many topics, and so many hurtful cuts to go through a persons mind before bed..?

I've met someone. His name is Zach. He is 17. Still in high school.

We've kissed. We've hung out. He is a really great guy. But at the end of the day I panic, I don't ever want to ruin his chances of finding his High School Guy, like I never could. He is confident, and very charming.

I have actually stood up to him, I've told him that I won't rush things more then we already have. Because he is young. He has time to experience everything.. He just gets so angry with me. I feel like this stupid, horrible person because I just want him to find someone SANE. As much as i'd like to think myself sane. I know it isnt true. I mean look at me.. I sit and I type my feelings to a souless computer screen, I hope and I SCREAM through the text for someone to understand me... My life (on the outside) does not seem difficult. I wake up every day, in a air-conditioned, 2-story house. I get up and complain about going to work when I know that someone is out there needing a job. I drive my car to work when someone has to take a bike or a bus. I come home from work tired... BUT FROM WHAT? Standing at a register!? How pathetic am i!?

Take a look at the people i've been with. Alex. He lives life as if he never met me, and I'm happy about that.. but look how much he has changed me.. I panic at the thought of relationships because I secretly think back to how much I wanted him, and how much he DIDNT. WANT. ME. I sat up at night and blogged about him, and before i blogged about him I cried about him not wanting me...

Then someone comes along (fast forward to Cody) or whatever the hell I named him in this blog... He came along and I thought I was happy, but when it came down to him wanting me, I found that I really didnt want him.. That yes.. We had things in common but at the end of the day, we were too different, thats how it always is...

WE ARE TOO DIFFERENT. So many similarities but SOOO many differences..... I always mope around and cry about someone wanting me.. but when they come along, I find the bad in them. I find the evil little atribute, a little flaw and I panic. Where will this go? How long will we be together? How... when... what....

I always complain about it being their fault that the relationship wont work.. But I know its mine. I know that i'm broken.. And i guess I try to make them see that... Because I am Broken. I am missing some peices... I'm sure it. Why the hell cant I just be happy when someone comes along that wants me..

I've pushed Zach away, he is always calling.. Wanting to hang out, and just snuggle, but why do that when I know that eventually he will get bored of the way I always push away, I love kissing. I love Being with another person. But when it comes down to it. I feel like... "if the relationship doesnt last...why try"

Maybe.. once I get a place of my own... a place that doesnt drive me insane.. A place where my siblings dont drive me crazy or a mother who picks and prods and tears at me until I feel like I'd rather die then be her son. Maybe then.. I can let someone in my life and actually let them in. That I can be honest with them and they wont hate me.. I keep passing up all these chances with guys.. should I let them be passing? Should I have broken up with Karson because he was strange and liked weird things? Should I have cut off all relations to Alex?, To Jude? Or Cody? Did I not try hard enough.. ? Pretty soon the chances will stop. Pretty soon I will get to the end of a list and there will be a blank page of nothingness, what will I do then?

Alex has a new... whatever the hell he calls it.. Boyfriend, Fuckbuddy, friend...

Jude has a boyfriend, they've been going out for months..

Karson is moving to Murray to be with someone he met.

Cody has a boyfriend that he met shortly after we broke up.

Everyone is taking their chances as they come.. and i've pushed mine away.. I don't regret cutting the strands of those relationships.. because its showed them that they all didn't really want a guy like me.. they wanted a guy who they met. I'm just the "Lesson teacher"

Alex found someone more tolerante of his "Confused Sexuality"

Jude found someone not as needy.

Karson found the insane romantic.
Cody found the guys who "Actually tried"

What can I do to be a better person? Am I doomed to be the one who dates, kisses, breaks up then watches them find the right guy?

-----------------------------------------------------------
Oh shitt.. Here comes "Father Talk" I wanted to just mention that its been almost a year now that he has been gone.. The ripple of that loss is still effecting us.

My sister came down crying about how much she missed him..

I just realized so many things... No Father there when her Date for her first dance comes.. Zac won't ever get to go on Father and Sons... Or go out scouting trips with my Dad that I hated..

He cries sometimes too..saying how he misses my Dad reading him every night.. And it breaks my heart.. Why did I get to have all those memories with him... Why did I get that time..and he didnt? My siblings annoy the hell outta me, but I still would want them to grow up with their Dad being there. Little talks, Projects arounds the house , that I hated doing, Helping him hold the ladder for Christmas lights, Taking trips to the dump to dump weeds and garbage from the backyard and then randomly stopping at a burger for fries and a drink just us guys.. Him randomly and awkwardly asking me about girls I liked, Or about Sex (which was pretty much a forbidden topic) He would get so embarresed even bringign it up.. the few times he did...

I look at my little brother and I just... fight back tears thinking how it must be for him.. I mean its hard for ME! I am crying right now I mean I am almost 19 years old... How must it be for a 10 year old to lose his Dad... It isnt fair. I say it often. I think it often about EVERYTHING.. Its not Fair that hes gone, Its not Fair that I suck at reltionships.. Its not Fair that I have to deal with a rude Mom.

When will it ever start being fair... ?

Broken Hearts never heal.. I'm sure it.

People say that Love can mend a broken heart.. Its been a year. When does it ever FEEL healed? No matter how many years go by. Hes still gone. What is supposed heal about that?

I'm done pouring out my soul for the night..

If anyone is still reading.... Thank you.

And if your not.... Ah well... It isn't worth the time wasted to read thoughts of another person.. Actually I disagree with that.. I love hearing thoughts of other people but i'm sure MY thoughts... are better kept inside my head...I guess I just feel like if they are on here... that I can stop thinking about them for a while..

night.

-joshua

A circle of green

Wow.. Its been a while since i've posted...

Some things I haven't posted anything about.


The Warden is kicking me out June 1st, We got into a fight that I wasn't home to watch the kids (though I put my brother to bed and left for 2 hours)

The timeless argument with her was I had to be home to watch the kids because I didn't have a job and I was lazy.. Blah blah blah


Well I have a job now, Have I posted anything? I dont think so..


I am currently a Team Member of Main Street Burger King! Ugh... Who am I kidding, I have a super lame job! I almost feel like white-trash working there...

No offense to any Burger King Lovers, its just the people that work there, the atmosphere... Is just... kinda.. Scummy .. True there are good people that work there...but there are some that are.. not so good.... Like... "The Convict..." *Shudders*

I try not to judge people, ...But ..ANYWAY

The job is pretty easy, Though I cant understand most of the people who work there.

I am in charge of the Register and making sure the "Dining Room" (which sounds too fancy to be used to describe BURGER BARF) Is clean and spotless,

I was going to write a whole blog post on working but decided that It bores me.. .so i'm going to sum it up.

Its kinda horrible, The manager basically called me fat once, and I made one of the owners mad.. Ha but beside all the bad stuff its just.. alright..

Me and the Warden are barely speaking, I dont care. She chose to be rude.. She chose to have me out of her life once I'm out of this hell.. which will hopefully be soon...

I wanted to get to the real reason that got me to post tonight.. Which is super lame and boring..but I don't care...

Okay well there is an amazing book which I'm sure i've already talked about but its called Unwind, and I made some shirts for the movie for the contest and I sent them in. They are being judged and picked tomorrow,

Then about 2 weeks ago they sent out a survey and they were going to pick the most unique and creative answers for the survey, So I logged on to the blog (which I follow like a hawk looking for anyway possible to be in that movie)

So I filled out the survey and my answer was chosen as one of the 12-13 survey answers, I mean I'm not cool enough to have my name next to it.. But maybe they will even use it in the movie.. and when I see the movie i'll be like "That was totally my idea!" Lol...

To those who dont know what "Unwinding" is... I am not sure if I've already explained it in other posts... but i'll have to do it again, so sorry if its a repeat. .BUT

In the book there are charecters that their parents sign them up for Unwinding, and they are sent to Harvest Camps to be taken a part, organ by organ, piece by piece and distributed all over the world.

The story is set in "The near future" when Abortions are no longer allowed in the World, So you raise your child and if you sign them up for Unwinding, they will be Harvested between the ages of 13-18 If a Child is set up for Unwinding but lives till His or Her's 18th birthday, then the contract is broken and they are free to LIVE.

So they come up with Unwinding, a way to break apart the human body and still have every single piece still living, so its not murder, your just in a million little pieces and scattered, Eyes to a Blind Man, Ears to a woman that cant hear, Hands to a writer, a painter, a pianist, the list goes on,

The question's asked on the survey were,

1. Are you an Organ Donor?

2. Would you ever be Unwound

3. Would you most likely be okay with being Unwound if you knew your parts were going to something better?

4. If anything, what part of your body would you want Unwounded for a specific person, who do you think deserves it most?

(or something to that effect..)

ANSWERS (Only one made it on the page...Its the most cheesy one..but oh well...)

1. Yes.

2. I'm thinking if my Mom could Unwind me, She would.
3. Yes. If I knew exactly to who they were going to...
(remember the last answer is super lame ...but totally made it on the site!)

4. I would give my eyes, I've never liked my dull brown eyes. But I have been told that certain times that a circle of green can be seen in them, when i'm really happy. since I haven't seen it in a while, I would want to give them to an extremely happy person, that way the whole world can see the happy circle of green every day..

(Story behind this) I was at EFY (churchy thing...I know.. bleh) I was actually really happy, away from my family, hanging with tons of cute guys, just enjoying life... Someone walked up to me and told me I had pretty eyes, I was like "My eyes a dull and brown, I hate them" and they said, "Well you can see a ring of green almost in them" so I went and looked in a mirror and I totally could! It was crazy! It was dim but I was way cool looking, I Look for it sometimes and I cant find it... I know that sounds totally lame... and you readers are probably rolling your eyes, but it was a great feeling to be able to see how happy I was, and not feel lost..., So that was my honest answer.. If I was being Unwound I would ask that my Eyes be taken and Given to someone really happy, someone who could make the green shine, and just...change the world like I couldn't ya know?

Lets see, some of the other answers.... (not mine...but I liked them)

"I would donate my heart because a little boy who lives next door had a heart transplant. He is so sweet. Everyone should be given a chance to live life to its fullest, no matter what."


-"My eyes to my blind girlfriend"

I would donate my entire life to bring back my brother. Whatever it would take to have saved him I would give him.


"My hands to a brilliant author who would write the best novel ever."

Here is the website if you want to see it so you can tell i'm not making all this up! ;)

http://unwindmovie.com/UNWINDMOVIE/Blog/Entries/2010/4/11_BODY_PARTS_-_SURVEY_RESULTS.html

Just copy and paste it!

Seeing my comment on there made me feel like the world could hear me, I mean not a lot of people read that blog, not a lot of people haven't even read Unwind, But it was cool to give my opinion and have it used... I hope that my several e-mails to the maker of the movie get the point that I want to be in that movie!


I stayed up with the characters, I got SOOO submerged in the book.. I've probably already mentioned this in another post but.. I worried with the characters, I cried and laughed and just watched the story unfold completely terrified and wondering what was going to happen, That is why I want to BE in the movie, be an Extra, running away from The Cops at "Harvest Camp" Being in the group of people that meet up at "The Graveyard" I guess if anything i'll get to see the movie, so that's alright.

I am sorry i'm spending so much time on this... Hoping for something that is suuuuch a far stretch to even be considered, but... Dreaming and wishing is alright with me...

I don't think i'll be able to sleep knowing that they are judging the shirts tomorrow! Or..I guess today.. I know its not that big of deal.. Oh.. and I did look at the "Prize" And I think its a signed book or my name printed on the tag of the shirt as designer or something...But I hope they got my other messages about how I loved Unwind, I want to go meet the cast they pick... Alright sorry I'm trying not to obsess over it, I just feel good all of a sudden, FALSE HOPE.. .lol dang it

How...cool...would it be... to win...? lol i'm shutting up now..

Thank you for reading!

Everyone reading should comment (anonymously) on this question...

1. If you were sighed up to be Unwound... what parts would u want to go, and to who...oh and dont forget WHY! lol

Love u all! YOUR AMAZING!

-Joshua

The Echo Inside

Alright to start off... SO SORRY for that last post!

I don't know what goes through my head sometimes, (besides death, vampires, Johnny Depp and Twilight references) But seriously... I do not think things through, I woke up all freaked out and was like, "I'm gonna go write down my dream.."
What an idiot!


So just skip over it.. I don't have it in me to erase it because it took forever to type..ha...



I just wanted to cover a topic that I cover often, so i'm sorry dear readers who tune in and listen to my garbled messages on how my life sucks, or how much.. BLAH BLAH FREAKING BLAH,

I was just thinking today.

Some people think heartache just...fades, or when you find someone new it gets replaced by butterflies and rainbows and happiness...but lately it seems that the heartache I feel just echoes.... Taking up my entire body until I can psychically feel it...Like I can run away from it throughout the day, but when it comes time to lay down I can feel it echoing back to me, back into my head.

Love has always been super confusing for me, I find guys that just aren't good matches for me... True Cody does like me, and tell me he will wait for me, but I dont want him waiting around for me, because when I look at him, I just think of him as a very nice friend, and maybe someone I could go on fun dates with, I'm not sure we really WORK as boyfriends...

Gavin was just a stupid idea, Nothing happened, and nothing will.

I look around and I see the happy couples around me, there are guys my age engaged to their boyfriends, Everyone out there seems so happy...

I know I shouldn't be reaching this far into the past.. not that its that far... but.. To my old leader.. The one who I loved for SO MANY YEARS... He and his wife had another baby, She's adorable! Strange how he will go through life not knowing how much he meant to me, that he just... picked up and moved with his family and didn't know anything... Didn't know how sad I was when he moved... How many times I went to Church activities because of him... How many Days where he noticed my haircut or a new tie when no one else did.. .

Why am I even spending time on this? I shouldn't be dwelling in the past... Thats all that my family does... Always in the past and afraid to live in the present, and scared of the future....
I guess I am just like them in that way, I am constantly looking back at the past and being sad about it... but i'm working on it, just let me whine and just sit there and read it. On second thought, You shouldn't even be reading this.. I'm just being lame..

I just woke up yesterday and I just missed Josh... The echo of the heartache I feel whenever he would smile at me, or go out of his way just to notice me and talk to me, My heart would be fluttering but my brain and the voice of reason would quickly fill my head and I would remember that after church he would go home to his wife, (who was insanely beautiful) and his cute baby girl...

I would go home to my room and just lay on my bed and just stare up at the ceiling, silently crying over how he would never look at me the same way, how I wanted someone to notice me, to Love me.

I didn't like waking up hollow again, feeling the memory of Josh inside my head... I wanted to get up right then and e-mail him, ask him how his family is doing or how is new job is coming, but that wouldn't help... THAT WOULDN'T help ANYTHING... I swore to myself that when he moved I would stop bugging him, stop trying to interfere with his life... He married his high school sweet heart! THey have two kids together, A very happy family...

OKAY IM SHUTTING UP ABOUT HIM NOW.... All the time wasted on wanting and wishing....I'm a loser....


I have my good days and I have my bad days... I can be happy most of the time.. but when I really start listening to all the echos of sadness, all the thoughts and regrets.. it just...makes me feel horrible... Okay...im done.... DONE Talking about all of this.. I started writing this post with something really in depth, I wanted to just....tell people.... I dont know... all I do is complain... so i'm sorry..

Thanks for reading this pointless post...

-joshua

My nightmare

I am not really sure why I am even typing this out... I shouldn't be boring any of you by reading my weird-o nightmares...but I just felt like typing so.. GET OVER IT..


I hope I can get down the detail I saw, the pain that I saw.. some parts might sound cheesy, it was one of those "You had to be there" moments, though i'm sure you wouldn't want to.


Here I go,


I wasn't sure what city I was in, but I know that it was changed from what I knew of it now. Old, run-down buildings, the streets filled with... Get ready..and dont laugh! .... Vampires...

Don't get me wrong, I love vampires, I am in LOOVE with Edward Cullen, but I mean... these vampires were just....blood thirsty, crazy Vamps, and I was one of the few that longed for a change for the better....



I knew I was different. I was in a city of vampires and part of me just knew that I was different from them, a new breed that I would have to keep quiet about. I knew I was a vampire, but I was mixed with something else.


I was carrying a little baby boy, I’m thinking now that he was special too. I was in a tower looking over the city who was frantically looking for “the traitor”. I kept trying to teach the little boy magic, which I guess I had. I put out my hand a little fire butterfly shot out and lit up the dark room we were in, I put my other hand out and a sword shot out and cracked against the walls and disappeared .


The baby ( I refer to him as The child or The Baby, But he looked about 6 years old..) laughed and clapped, I was trying to get him to focus.

“We have to hurry, they will get here soon.”

He looked almost sorry.

I held him close and told him I would protect him, some how I knew that if I got him to the boundary of the city that he would be safe.


I set him down and went over to the window, staying in the shadows of the abandoned building that I was in. I reached out my hand and felt a kind of block that was round the window, I guess that I had cast some spell that would keep the Vampires out without even knowing it.

“We have to get going…”
I said and I saw one of the leader vampires walking through the streets.
(He looked like a very scary Johnny Depp)

I looked down and saw a brown-haired vampire with bouncy curls walking up the path to the building I was in, I could see her reaching out, feeling nothing but knowing she couldn’t pass. She tilted her head to the side and suddenly jerked her head up and looked directly at me.

She opened her mouth in shock, it quickly turned to a grin. She looked back at the “bubble” that she couldn’t see and closed her eyes and started mumbling something. The air was suddenly let back into the room, the intense noise flooded and echoed into the room and scared the little baby. She had broken the barrier and she knew what I was hiding.

I picked him up and dove out the window and fell into the courtyard. I ran into a back ally without looking back, flying off walls and jumping over barriers.
I stopped panicked, it was silent. The fighting was so far behind me that it was deadly quiet, I turned and the brown-haired vampire was standing right in front of me, smiling.

“You have the child?” She asked looked over at him, and the baby looked away.

“Gabby, leave us alone, you know this is wrong!” I screamed, my voice sounding dark and frightened, not for me, but for the innocent child on my back.

“I suppose…that I could…” She started and she suddenly lunged for the child, and he screamed.

I grabbed her by the throat and threw her back into the wall. She froze and looked up at the sky, I almost followed her gaze because her eyes had glazed over.
“MAAASTER!!!” She screamed and I lunged at her but I was too late, I heard screaming from all around me and the sky grew even more black.

I set the child down, knowing that I’d be killed.
“Run! I need you to run as fast as you can, get out of the city. Find someone to take care of you!”

He reached up for me again. I pushed him away and pointed to the open spot in the ally, and he started towards it cautiously.

“You know he is over 50 years old…He is a very new breed. Part human, part vampire, part witch.” I looked over and saw Gabby staring towards the child.

She bared her fangs and jumped towards him and I caught her, and without thinking, plunged my teeth into her neck. I regretted this as soon as I’d done is, I somehow knew that if a vampire bites another vampire its like drinking poison. It not only kills the vampire bitten, but the biter as well.

Gabby screamed and clawed and tried to get away, I kept drinking the blood and it burned my throat, it felt like acid. I broke free and my lips burned, I quickly wiped away the blood that tasted horrible. She fell to the ground screaming, and pointing at me. I looked up and saw that the child had vanished.
I hoped and I prayed that he was okay, the dizziness took over and I sat down at the pavement. I looked over at Gabby who was still writhing, I knew that I would die the quickest of the two.

“What…the hell… is this?” The vampire who looked like Johnny Depp asked.
Gabby shrieked and pointed at me, I looked up at him and tried to focus. The blood at entered my system and it was slowly shutting everything down, I could feel it.
“She…found the child, and I was trying to take it from her and she wouldn’t… so I bit her.”

He nodded and looked from me to Gabby, she was shaking her head but shaking so violently that you couldn’t distinguish between the two.

“You do know that your dying from biting her…” He asked me.

“Yes.” I said, feeling stupid when I realized that I could have done ANYTHING else.

He nodded again seeming to feel impressed.

He pointed at me and I could feel the strength returning in my feet, in my arms.

“Take her, and follow me.” He commanded and I followed. I looked back once to wear the little boy had been, I looked up to the sky and just said, “Please.”

I carried Gabby back through the square, everyone gathered around pointing at Gabby and screaming, “Traitor!” I closed my eyes and followed the lead vampire.

We went through several passageways, down into the depths of whatever building that had chosen for their lair.
“Leave her here.” He said.
I set her down and she looked up at me choking and unable to talk. I followed the lead Vampire to another room where a box lay in the middle of the room. I looked over at him and he circled the box smiling,
“Your age of courage will not go unnoticed.” he said boldly, his voice coming from all sides.

The box started to shake violently, I took a few steps and I was right next to it. The lead vampire smiled and knocked on the box a few times.
“Your award for such noble doings, though you are slowly dieing and was unable to catch the child…” He trailed off, lifted up one side of the bow. “…I did.” He tugged at the bow and the box disappeared with gold dust and smoke.

The child sat bound, sitting and staring up at me. I clenched my fists to my side, trying to keep calm. The lead vampire looked over at the child and back over to me and furrowed his brow. “Have you…met?” He asked noticing the look in the child’s eyes, looking to me to save him.

My mind was reeling, I opened my mouth to speak but horrible screams from the other room flooded the hall. “He is a liar! He is a liar MASTER! Don’t believe him, he was with the child! He bit me to protect the child, don’t be fooled!” The feeling in the room changed. I looked at the child and at the lead vampire who’s turned into a menacing, pained scowl.
The child reached up for me and I quickly picked him up and headed for the door, I was quickly thrown back into the wall. I cradled the child in my arms and I took the hard, crushing wall to my back. I fell to the ground and set him down, ready to fight. I could feel my strength leaving, the poison taking over again.

“How dare you lie to me!” He screamed and charged after me throwing me back against the wall. I looked down at The child and motioned him to run, he held up his hands and bursts of light flew out and surrounded the Master vampire. He flew back against the oppisite wall, I could feel something ignite within me. Something that made me the strongest I’ve ever felt,
“Your father would be very proud of you.” I said and the child smiled. The lead vampire stood up and quickly walked over to me. I knew that if I could bite him, then he would be weakened enough, I focused in on his neck and lunched forward. I screamed as another lead vampire entered the room, I looked over at the child who was crouched and ready to fight. “Wake up!” I screamed, and everything slowed. “WAKE UP!”

I sat up in my bed crying out, “wake up.” and gasping.

Looking back over that, I'm not sure if he was my Son and I was telling him that his father, my husband would be proud of him...lol I'm not sure.. but... Yay for Vampire Gay Marriage... ;)

Anyway, you all reading probably think i'm crazy or have an overactive imagination, but I woke up feeling horrible that I couldn't save that boy, my son, or who ever he was to me.

Some part of me (probably the part of my brain that thinks too hard) thinks that maybe the dream is symbolism for society not wanting me to have a child because "im different" or maybe not society but my Insane-O mom and family, I dont know, just I think they might be connected.... who knows... anyway SORRY TO BORE YOU WITH THAT!


Love ya! Thanks for reading my thoughts and ideas, my complaints and so on and so forth...

I want... I want... I want... too much?

Hello there!


BAM! Midnight!



As usual I can't sleep... what is the point of going to bet at a decent time when it doesn't really matter most of the time... ya sure.. Lately the Warden wakes me up super early to start job hunting.. but whatever..

I've only turned in like 50 applications this month, and 6 in one day yesterday... I mean I just dont have any job experience.. I was a sophmore (i think) or maybe a junior.. when I got my first job... I feel stupid filling out the applications because I don't remember any supervisor names or numbers so I just put down those as blanks...

I mean no one wants to hire a no nothing idiot! ...Anway


I think the Warden might be hiding my mail, Cody supposedly sent this very long love letter, detailed with how he wanted to be together forever.. I mean I don't want to sound harsh but I kinda pushed him out of my head because ... He lives too far, he never visits, he's always busy! So what is the point in him being my boyfriend when I only hear from him once a day through text?

Bleh!

Gavin isn't even an option because he lives too far away and hes too much a partier...a very sweet, cute guy...but I feel like he would be too wild.. that he IS too wild I dont know

I want to publish a book... I want to be a famous author...

I have written Ellen Degeneres but apparently people have more "important" problems... She answered a letter today asking Ellen what kind of shoes she wore...or something like that.. like....okay.... Answer a question about shoes but when a Gay guy writes in asking to meet Matt Dallas and wondering how he can be a published author it..gets.. thrown away? lol Yes my request might be selfish... but I mean come one! SHOES?

I was randomly searching the net when I saw that one of my favorite books "Unwind" by Neal Shusterman (who totally was rude about the time I asked for Author and publishing advice....harumph!)
Anyway its going to be a movie and I am going to watch for auditions and i'm going to go try out, there's also a competition to see "Who deserves to go hang around the set" You had to write how much you loved the book or whatever and then you had to design t-shirts about the book.

I designed 3 front and back shirts and set them in... Can't wait to hear back.... One of the producers ACTUALLY e-mailed me right back (when I just did the writing part) and told me to keep watching the blog on their websites for casting call Dates.... I mean its a super long shot... but it would be fun to at least say I got to be in the movie like... One of the people in the backround walking or ... SOMETHING! lol

I want a job. I want to move out.. I mean I know I have a roof over my head, a cellphone, blah blah blah.. but I'd trade it to just be living on my own somewhere..NOT HERE...

The warden is constantly asking what kind of music i'm listening to, making sure it has NO GAY THEMES.... she checks what i'm watching, my Itunes, Blah blah blah blah blah... Hey Mom Go ahead and look at my huge wall of shirtless guys in my room! BLEH!

I mean there are so many things my sister (not to throw any one under the bus but since i've been thrown under OVER AND OVER) My sister and her scummy boyfriend smoke and hack and smoke, my younger sister can be pretty vulgar, she is obsessed with those "C.S.I." shows that has blood and gore but OOH! as long as no one is Gay then their fine... That is MESSED UP! So I have to watch what I say but my sister (both younger and older) can do and say whatever they want?

My little sister always calls me "Hey Homo," or, "Hey.. Ya HOMOSEXUAL" I mean yes, I am Gay, but I dont like being to called that in place of my name... it isn't right! Oh but of course since she's dating a boy now, and shes straight then she gets to say whatever the hell she wants... just...dandy..

I gave my blog link out to a complete stranger over Post Secrets Community, we have been talking and she seemed to understand secrets and secret life... So I decided to share it with her, she hasn't responded....probably got tired of the depressing content...

I've been told I should change my font colors and backround color... I don't want any of you "Drowning in Red Text" so those of you that keep reading, let me know how I should change my blog...because I'm the one writing them... I rarely read them (that's where all the grammar and spelling mistakes occur) So I apologize for the Endless Red.

Woah I got dizzy all of a sudden... I think i'm done blogging for the night.. sorry that it was pointless... Just a huge, detailed blabberfest on how I want...a lot of things in the world....

1. One being Matt Dallas ;)

2. A role in a major movie (Unwind, Breaking Dawn... etc..)

3. To be a published Author

4. To get a job!

5. To move away from Hell House and Warden's Horribleness

6. Meet a very nice, normal guy (If Matt Dallas doesnt work out) ;)

hm... is that all...


That's all I can think.. but the content is pretty intense and far fetched... ah well..

OH! Quick Book-Talk

I read "The Vast Fields of Ordinary" by Nick Burd

It was actually really depressing.. I don't know if i've already talked about this.. or maybe I dreamt I blogged of this (you know your insane when you have dreams where you blog)
Anyway, its about a Teenager named Dade (no not Dave... DADE) And how he hates high school, he's a senior and he is going off to college at the end of the summer, he has a very rude "friend" named Paulo (or something) That they are constantly "hooking up" Dade is Gay, and knows it. Paulo just likes... Being with Guys.. AND girls, but he is "totally straight" Wow.. I've heard that before... Paulo treats Dade like dirt day after day, and when Paulo wants to hook up, Dade gives in and then the cycle continues...wow..haven't felt that before... The feeling and thoughts where
"Just give him one more chance to redeem himself....He will love me eventually" Yeah... wow...Scarily Accurate to how i've felt. Oh! I was going to quote a Phone Conversation that they had... Because I had the SAME one with....Alex....Bleh!

Maybe its too personal.. or maybe you'll think i'm totally dumb for giving in..but to see my phone conversation on that page....*shudders* I didnt know I could be that stupid, and gullible! Let me find it.. hmm....
( I couldn't find the actual page number...so i'm going to paraphrase.)
I suddenly got a text that jolted me from my sleep

"You sleeping?" He asked.

"It's 3 A.M." I said. "What do you think?"

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"I need to see you" He replied

"Why"

"Use your imagination."

"Its late, i'm not going anywhere"

"Oh come on... see ya soon?"

"On my way"

Yeah...after reading that I was like....HOLY SH*T! Someone has been reading my life and making a book out of it, so many times, so many times in the book. Dade was pushed to the side so Paulo could act straight in front of certain friends, and sometimes he would deny their encounters all together...ANYWAY .. You will just have to read the book to see what happens... I don't mean to dwell on the likes of ALEX...he isn't worth anyones times...but just reading those pages, reading how lonely and confused Dade felt...Talking to his ceiling fan or reflection, practicing "I'm Gay Mom and Dad." "I'm Gay" I mean..wow... Such a book that makes you remember a lot of stuff... whether you want to or not...

OKAY.. NOOW i'm done blabbing..

I am still trying to figure out how to put a MP3 of myself reading this...though now that I think about it...is a dumb idea.. let me know what you think...

Thank you for reading, if anyone still is...

ECHO!! (Eccho....echho.....ecchoo....)...ah well...

Sincerely,
Joshua