Ripple Effect

I shouldn't be up!



I am sooo going to regret this in the morning, I have to work at 8:30... So if i'm late for work.. I blame my mind!



I have just been thinking a lot, about how we effect people. How each and everything we do... no matter if we know it or not... effects other people.


I wonder how many people i've effected for the bad.. I know I try and tell myself that I wouldn't, that I would do anyting I could to never hurt someone else.. But have I? I have no idea!

Am I the only one that really thinks about this at the end of the day? OF all the stuff I think about? Is it normal for so many topics, and so many hurtful cuts to go through a persons mind before bed..?

I've met someone. His name is Zach. He is 17. Still in high school.

We've kissed. We've hung out. He is a really great guy. But at the end of the day I panic, I don't ever want to ruin his chances of finding his High School Guy, like I never could. He is confident, and very charming.

I have actually stood up to him, I've told him that I won't rush things more then we already have. Because he is young. He has time to experience everything.. He just gets so angry with me. I feel like this stupid, horrible person because I just want him to find someone SANE. As much as i'd like to think myself sane. I know it isnt true. I mean look at me.. I sit and I type my feelings to a souless computer screen, I hope and I SCREAM through the text for someone to understand me... My life (on the outside) does not seem difficult. I wake up every day, in a air-conditioned, 2-story house. I get up and complain about going to work when I know that someone is out there needing a job. I drive my car to work when someone has to take a bike or a bus. I come home from work tired... BUT FROM WHAT? Standing at a register!? How pathetic am i!?

Take a look at the people i've been with. Alex. He lives life as if he never met me, and I'm happy about that.. but look how much he has changed me.. I panic at the thought of relationships because I secretly think back to how much I wanted him, and how much he DIDNT. WANT. ME. I sat up at night and blogged about him, and before i blogged about him I cried about him not wanting me...

Then someone comes along (fast forward to Cody) or whatever the hell I named him in this blog... He came along and I thought I was happy, but when it came down to him wanting me, I found that I really didnt want him.. That yes.. We had things in common but at the end of the day, we were too different, thats how it always is...

WE ARE TOO DIFFERENT. So many similarities but SOOO many differences..... I always mope around and cry about someone wanting me.. but when they come along, I find the bad in them. I find the evil little atribute, a little flaw and I panic. Where will this go? How long will we be together? How... when... what....

I always complain about it being their fault that the relationship wont work.. But I know its mine. I know that i'm broken.. And i guess I try to make them see that... Because I am Broken. I am missing some peices... I'm sure it. Why the hell cant I just be happy when someone comes along that wants me..

I've pushed Zach away, he is always calling.. Wanting to hang out, and just snuggle, but why do that when I know that eventually he will get bored of the way I always push away, I love kissing. I love Being with another person. But when it comes down to it. I feel like... "if the relationship doesnt last...why try"

Maybe.. once I get a place of my own... a place that doesnt drive me insane.. A place where my siblings dont drive me crazy or a mother who picks and prods and tears at me until I feel like I'd rather die then be her son. Maybe then.. I can let someone in my life and actually let them in. That I can be honest with them and they wont hate me.. I keep passing up all these chances with guys.. should I let them be passing? Should I have broken up with Karson because he was strange and liked weird things? Should I have cut off all relations to Alex?, To Jude? Or Cody? Did I not try hard enough.. ? Pretty soon the chances will stop. Pretty soon I will get to the end of a list and there will be a blank page of nothingness, what will I do then?

Alex has a new... whatever the hell he calls it.. Boyfriend, Fuckbuddy, friend...

Jude has a boyfriend, they've been going out for months..

Karson is moving to Murray to be with someone he met.

Cody has a boyfriend that he met shortly after we broke up.

Everyone is taking their chances as they come.. and i've pushed mine away.. I don't regret cutting the strands of those relationships.. because its showed them that they all didn't really want a guy like me.. they wanted a guy who they met. I'm just the "Lesson teacher"

Alex found someone more tolerante of his "Confused Sexuality"

Jude found someone not as needy.

Karson found the insane romantic.
Cody found the guys who "Actually tried"

What can I do to be a better person? Am I doomed to be the one who dates, kisses, breaks up then watches them find the right guy?

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Oh shitt.. Here comes "Father Talk" I wanted to just mention that its been almost a year now that he has been gone.. The ripple of that loss is still effecting us.

My sister came down crying about how much she missed him..

I just realized so many things... No Father there when her Date for her first dance comes.. Zac won't ever get to go on Father and Sons... Or go out scouting trips with my Dad that I hated..

He cries sometimes too..saying how he misses my Dad reading him every night.. And it breaks my heart.. Why did I get to have all those memories with him... Why did I get that time..and he didnt? My siblings annoy the hell outta me, but I still would want them to grow up with their Dad being there. Little talks, Projects arounds the house , that I hated doing, Helping him hold the ladder for Christmas lights, Taking trips to the dump to dump weeds and garbage from the backyard and then randomly stopping at a burger for fries and a drink just us guys.. Him randomly and awkwardly asking me about girls I liked, Or about Sex (which was pretty much a forbidden topic) He would get so embarresed even bringign it up.. the few times he did...

I look at my little brother and I just... fight back tears thinking how it must be for him.. I mean its hard for ME! I am crying right now I mean I am almost 19 years old... How must it be for a 10 year old to lose his Dad... It isnt fair. I say it often. I think it often about EVERYTHING.. Its not Fair that hes gone, Its not Fair that I suck at reltionships.. Its not Fair that I have to deal with a rude Mom.

When will it ever start being fair... ?

Broken Hearts never heal.. I'm sure it.

People say that Love can mend a broken heart.. Its been a year. When does it ever FEEL healed? No matter how many years go by. Hes still gone. What is supposed heal about that?

I'm done pouring out my soul for the night..

If anyone is still reading.... Thank you.

And if your not.... Ah well... It isn't worth the time wasted to read thoughts of another person.. Actually I disagree with that.. I love hearing thoughts of other people but i'm sure MY thoughts... are better kept inside my head...I guess I just feel like if they are on here... that I can stop thinking about them for a while..

night.

-joshua