Eclipse and other ramblings

Hey there,


This post isn't to ramble on and on about how great the movie, "Eclipse" was. Even though i'm pretty sure that if I was asked to talk about it.. I would for hours on end. It was pretty amazing...


My focus tonight (as i often get off track in my blogs) is to focus basically on Love.



Oh stop rolling your eyes I know I mention it whenever possible, I am just wondering if I should give up on it for a while. I look around me and I just feel like there is someone for everyone. True I have single friends but I can perfectly picture each one of them settling down and getting married, having a family. The looking glass is kinda blurry when I try to look ahead for myself...

I know i'm young. I'm 19 years old.. But i'm lonely.... I'M LONELY

It doesn't matter how many parties I have with my friends, or movie night, ice-cream runs or late nighters... in the end i'm still alone... Mr. Right doesn't exsist. I am starting to figure that out, I know that no one is perfect, and I don't expect them to be.. but for once I'd like to meet a guy that fits with me... Not too crazy, perfect amount of charm and wit, not a player, someone to always make me feel special and to never have any doubt in my mind...

I've had dreams lately (yes its cheesy) of my own wedding,

I'm standing at the end of the isle, I am looking around at all the people, my family included, all of them grown and matured.. I haven't ever seen my mother at my wedding, I look around but I don't see shes there, but just then I look up and he is there, this man that I'm just meeting for the first time.. But I know him.. He smiles at me as he walks down the isle.. He reaches me and he takes my hand... I look at him and I just.. Know that all the loneliness, that all the heartache, all the stupid boys that broke my heart don't matter anymore because this MAN in front of me.. promising to love me forever,

I never make it to the kiss though, I wake up for a sudden urge to get a drink or my alarm goes off.. each time I see it differently, One time I am sitting in the audience watching, sometimes I am the man walking down the isle walking towards a Man i've never met until then.

I wake up each time before I can study his face, to know who i'm looking for.

The dream is always unexpected, but just as powerful as the last time I have it.

I want to get married some day... But I'm just no good at dating! Which is kinda the basic step towards the long road to marriage. I mean the guys i've been with haven't been shining examples of normal, I think i've only been on 2 actual dates...

Another thing is, My Gay-Dar SUCKS.... I am not sure why.. But I can't pick up if someone is Gay or not, some guys are just incredibly attractive and for a moment I am sure that I saw a flicker of something in them, something deep down... But I'd never have the courage to just....Ask him out! What about the answer... He'd either say , ".. I have a girlfriend...Faggot.."
"Uhh......No thanks man..."
Ya know? I mean how do I practice my Gaydar?

A perfect example is the UPS man at work (yes I know I have a lot of crushes, but you have to have little back up plans in case the guy you like has a girlfriend or wife or whatever)

I can honestly say that I am a crazy crush on the UPS Man, so what do I do about that? Strike up conversation.. I've tried...

Do I ask him out? Do I flirt it up.. or play it straight? Do I ask him to hang out, or go to dinner... its all just confusing and complicated.. Because he'd either freak out because hes married... or turn me down because i'm not "The average Gay Guy"
I don't wear tight pants, I don't know alot about fashion.. I'm not perfect and skinny and flawless..

I'm a messy, overweight, acne-ridden Guy who doesn't really fit in with the Beautiful Gays...

And trust me.. when i'm around some of my Gay friends (which i wish i had more normal ones) They treat me like i'm some misifit.. even amongest them (not that being Gay makes me a misfit.. but I sometimes feel lonely being the only sane one.. lol

So what if I don't know a certain Madonna song, So what if I dont worship her!
So what if I have no idea who designed your shoes, or bag or jacket...

I am just a normal guy who happens to Love Men. Isn't there any guy like me out there? I'd like to think so.. Someone out there right now, writing in his journal..or blogging about how much he needs a normal guy in his life...

Is he the UPS Man?
The cute life guard from the pool?
The random guy at the grocery store that held eye contact for longer then he should have

Where do I begin? How do I begin on just trying to have fun with life and not worrying about it...

I hope my dream guy is out there someday, he has to be right? There has to be someone out there for everyone....right?

All I know is that seeing him walking down that isle when I have that dream gives me a tiny flicker of hope.. that one day it will be real... and i'll be so dumbfounded as he's walking down to me, (or me to him) I know its a long way off.. but I'd like to think that it WILL happen one day..

I dont mean to be so up and down all the time, this is just coming from the top of my head and I am really just thinking through text...

I don't know what time I work tomorrow, so I should probably call it a night..

Night everyone...

-Joshua