To Know

Can you really base the personality of a person by hearing it from other people ?

How many facts actually trickle down the line that are true.


The Guy I met.. the one I considered to start liking has turned out (through facts of other people) to be nothing more then a player.. It doesn't matter anyway, it was just a small crush, I just feel so alone these days...

The friends I hang out with view hooking up as just another thing, that sex is only as great as the next hook up... I just .. dont know anymore.. Its hard to be the only one that feels bad after a hook up, I've said this before but I think i'll just have to be less sensitive. I wont be slut or anything.. I.. I dont know i'm just rambling here..


"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, I could really use a wish right now.."

I wish for enough money to go to college somewhere far away,

I wish for a normal guy to like me,

I wish I could find a place to move out..

I wish I had a body that guys would go crazy for...

Thats the only thing about wishing.. I can just stand in one place forever and wishing would get me no where..

If only life was that easy, that Fairytale Fantasy.. Where I could just look up at the stars, pick the brightest one and just close my eyes and wish, open my eyes to find that all my dreams were coming true..

Cinderella had it so easy, sure she had a horrible step- mother, but instead of standing still she went to the ball and eventually won Prince Charming,

Snow White just had to be stupid enough to take an apple from a creepy old woman, her Prince came right to her,

I could go down the line talking about the different stories but I think you get the point. That the real world is hard, there are no easy choices like whether to go to a ball or to take a shiny apple. We deal with deaths, changes, ups and downs, storms, disappointments, sadness..

I feel so weighed down by it these days, I look and I see my friends all happy, moved out and on their own. Having parties where they dont remember to call me, what fun would I be anyway? Go and sit and watch people drink, knowing that i'll have to be home in a couple of hours.. I feel like my blog as come in a full circle, it started sad,I was depressed and felt worthless.. it got happier... but not much.. and here I am typing again... I was even going to type a Fathers Day blog, but I figure I mention him one time in all the posts, I realize that my life is not interesting.. I just stand in one place, the only thing that changes is the backdrop..

I stand at work, behind the counter and take orders from stupid people who dont even know what they want, I get yelled at and chewed out .. teased, bugged, I get home... I stand as my family packs up the house, ready to move.. I dont want to move with them, I watch them go to BBQ's that I dont want to go to, go to the movies, etc. I go to friends houses and I stand, the only one not drinking at the fun parties, I'm always just standing.. Am I just lazy.. Lazy for not starting College when I should have, Lazy to not go chasing after guys... Is it my fault i'm suffering so much? Be honest...

what should I do? I dont have that much savings, .. I dont have much of anything... ..

I watched The Lovely Bones again tonight, it was actually kind of beautiful, I mean yes it had its disturbing moments but over all it was a pretty movie visually.. It made me think of Death, how it would be to still be here.. after you die.. I think i'd like that.. To be able to stay here and watch life go by.. That's what I'm gonna do.. So if I happen to die early in life, I'll be around haha.. I'll go find those T.V. shows that do Ghost Investigations and i'll mess with them! haha..sorry i'm just rambling now, so nothing new..I just like the idea of souls still being here after they've died on Earth.. Anywhoser..

i'm gonna head to bed now... I hurt all over for some reason.. lol I know i'm over dramatic.. but its true...


*sigh*

joshua