Endless Wishing

I have had A LOT on my mind lately,


I see so many of my friends going somewhere in life, some releases Demo's of their music, some already accepted into the finest arts schools in the country....


I work ....at Burger King.... that is a -58 on the point system of things that matter in life..


I have little savings, not enough to move out, not enough to really go to school... I'm just stuck.. .


We move out of our house soon and I can honestly say I DONT WANT TO LIVE AT HOME ANYMORE.

I'm just tired of it all,

I met someone a couple days ago, honestly... the most perfect guy i've ever met... He is friends of a friend, which makes it sound bad instantly. We just got talking and I found out we have tons in common, He is an Artist/Singer/Actor.. His Art is like nothing i've ever seen.. Its breathtaking, the way he describes photography is just beautiful

"... I think that's often what makes a good photographer, someone who knows how to find the moments in life, moment for moment, and who can capture and share them with the world. It's all about showing the world what YOU see. "

The one guy I can actually see myself with, a guy that I can tell isn't crazy... Is taken. Oh not to mention moving to New York to become a "Famous Artist" Its strange to think that people already know exactly what they want, and they put pieces of themselves into the world to be discovered, cherished, and sold..

I wish that I could just write a story or paint a picture that will change the world, my stories aren't any good, most are unfinished because i've lost the drive for it...

How come I am the only one that is just... Here.. I'm not taking any classes, I dont have a fancy, high paying career, I don't own an amazing house with a view.. Im just here, frozen.. stuck and hating it...

Sometimes when I get to thinking too much, I realize how behind in life I already am.. and sometimes.. very rare times a black cloud fogs up my head....I can picture the note i'd leave for my family, something clever, something to express how empty and how lonely I feel... I can picture the way the wind feels as it screams by me, i'm in my car.. somewhere high up, I can feel the car lurching towards the side, the instant lift off, the weight of the front of the car pulling down, plunging... I can see the ground catching up to the underside of the car, and in a moment of weightlessness, I feel....Regret...

I hope none of you think i'm morbid or insane... But the last part really makes me not want to kill myself.. I can actually picture what it would be like to lose everything in a second, to regret the decision as soon as i've left the cliff, or whatever...

I know I just have to cheer up, but when everything in the world is screaming for you to jump....how can you just.. not pay attention and stay frozen... like I am ...


If I wished on a star, for now it would be "For him to like me back" ha.. which is probably a mistake because I tend to fall for the crazies.... Also he has a link to one of my past flings, and I am not sure I like that.. I know everyone has a past.. it makes us who we are.. but why did he have to get with HIM!? haha....

Oh, I don't know if i've already mentioned this.. but I saw Valentines Day for the first time yesterday, it was the cutest movie, the ending...with one of the couple was....AMAZING!!! AH! haha so thats your homework assignment for this blog, Go and watch Valentines Day!

...Oh..and another regret I have.. Making this blog anonymous.. I see my friends with their blogs.. and they are brilliant and they truly express who they are... I like that.. I don't like talking about things as if its another person i'm talking about... ya know? Sorry to much babble...

Oh great.. I mentioned my crush in a blog, that never works out well... 1. Now he cant have the link to the blog 2. I jinxed the relationship before it began..


For now.. i'm off to bed....

-Joshua