Losing Yourself

I've been really DOWN lately,


Ha, but when am I even NOT Down?



I went to my first official party last night,


The only reason I talked myself into going was taking a chance on meeting someone NEW.

My bud Frankie wanted me to meet one of his guy friends who was single, so I thought "Hey, I dont usually do this..." So I went to the party.

I could tell right away that the guy he wanted me to meet wasn't my type, but I guess thats why I am single now... and have had short relationships in the past..

Picky picky picky..

I only knew ONE person at the party, it was Frankie. I was driving so I didn't drink anything they had, which was a lot, flavors and mixes I hadn't even heard of, part of me just wanted to join.. to tip the glasses back and just.. LOSE MYSELF..

...forget about work

forget about being single....

forget about Home....

I've never been SUPER DRUNK, i've only had a couple shots here and there with other friends...

But seeing the people at the party drinking, tossing back the pretty liquid, getting tipsy,... It made me just want to join,

How much does it take to lose yourself? I'm not just talking about Fruity Drinks or "Legal Weed" smoked from apples,

How much does it take to lose yourself, who you are, the walls you build every day to keep out the flooding of the world...The walls that keep out what can harm us,
What about the walls that keep things in, the hurtful things, the things that go on in our mind.

What does it take to let down the walls?

Money?

Fame?

Drinks?

Drugs?

A wink or a smile in your direction?

A flirty text?

I saw several people just fade , they turned from shy and quiet to loud and flirty.. with EVERYONE. How many of them will remember how many drink's they had the night before, who they talked to?

I haven't hit my party days...But I know for a fact that I never want to be so far gone that I cant control what's going on or what i'm doing... Control is so easily lost once your mind has slipped..

I'm sorry I just have so much on my mind..


I'm tired of living at home. Things with the Warden have gotten a little better, but its only because I am never around anymore. I get home from work and she asks if I want to go see a movie with the family, I tell her I have plans (when most of the time I dont) She asks if I want to go see the new house, I say I have plans, because I dont want to see the new house because I DONT WANT TO LIVE WITH HER ANYMORE!

I don't at all feel scared by what she'll do if I get home later then she says, but I just cant take the fighting anymore, the vileness of what she says to me, its not worth being HAPPY for a few more hours of being out of the house,

I will admit that I was glad to be going home from that party because it wasnt fun to watch people have a good time..and have them all remind me that I wasn't drinking,

When it came time to leave I was hoping Frankie would come with me so I didn't look like the only lame one leaving the party, He ended up saying the line that I don't blame him for..

"Oh.. your leaving now.. Okay I can go with you if you want... ..But I mean.. i'm fine here.. But.. I mean I can go with you if... ya know if you want"

I just smiled and let him off easy, trying to to look as crappy as I felt.. I told him to stay and have fun, and he took the bait and went back to the party, I don't expect other people to sacrifice their good times, I just wish I could have been one of those people having a good time,

I just need to get out of my house, move out, I just want to go to a party and have a good time, maybe have a few drink and just dance and have fun..

I just feel so lost right now, like.. Stuck..
I know I said in my last post that i'd try to be more positive, but its hard when everyday things remind me that i'm Lost.

The one person I want and need advice from is busy, Not that I blame her...I know everyone has bigger problems them me, ones that are actually important...Not to make her mad at me or anything but she seems kinda lost too...

I'm sorry about this post, it was just a bunch of my thoughts on a lot of things..


I don't know how much longer I can take this....

Goodnight.....