The Echo Inside

Alright to start off... SO SORRY for that last post!

I don't know what goes through my head sometimes, (besides death, vampires, Johnny Depp and Twilight references) But seriously... I do not think things through, I woke up all freaked out and was like, "I'm gonna go write down my dream.."
What an idiot!


So just skip over it.. I don't have it in me to erase it because it took forever to type..ha...



I just wanted to cover a topic that I cover often, so i'm sorry dear readers who tune in and listen to my garbled messages on how my life sucks, or how much.. BLAH BLAH FREAKING BLAH,

I was just thinking today.

Some people think heartache just...fades, or when you find someone new it gets replaced by butterflies and rainbows and happiness...but lately it seems that the heartache I feel just echoes.... Taking up my entire body until I can psychically feel it...Like I can run away from it throughout the day, but when it comes time to lay down I can feel it echoing back to me, back into my head.

Love has always been super confusing for me, I find guys that just aren't good matches for me... True Cody does like me, and tell me he will wait for me, but I dont want him waiting around for me, because when I look at him, I just think of him as a very nice friend, and maybe someone I could go on fun dates with, I'm not sure we really WORK as boyfriends...

Gavin was just a stupid idea, Nothing happened, and nothing will.

I look around and I see the happy couples around me, there are guys my age engaged to their boyfriends, Everyone out there seems so happy...

I know I shouldn't be reaching this far into the past.. not that its that far... but.. To my old leader.. The one who I loved for SO MANY YEARS... He and his wife had another baby, She's adorable! Strange how he will go through life not knowing how much he meant to me, that he just... picked up and moved with his family and didn't know anything... Didn't know how sad I was when he moved... How many times I went to Church activities because of him... How many Days where he noticed my haircut or a new tie when no one else did.. .

Why am I even spending time on this? I shouldn't be dwelling in the past... Thats all that my family does... Always in the past and afraid to live in the present, and scared of the future....
I guess I am just like them in that way, I am constantly looking back at the past and being sad about it... but i'm working on it, just let me whine and just sit there and read it. On second thought, You shouldn't even be reading this.. I'm just being lame..

I just woke up yesterday and I just missed Josh... The echo of the heartache I feel whenever he would smile at me, or go out of his way just to notice me and talk to me, My heart would be fluttering but my brain and the voice of reason would quickly fill my head and I would remember that after church he would go home to his wife, (who was insanely beautiful) and his cute baby girl...

I would go home to my room and just lay on my bed and just stare up at the ceiling, silently crying over how he would never look at me the same way, how I wanted someone to notice me, to Love me.

I didn't like waking up hollow again, feeling the memory of Josh inside my head... I wanted to get up right then and e-mail him, ask him how his family is doing or how is new job is coming, but that wouldn't help... THAT WOULDN'T help ANYTHING... I swore to myself that when he moved I would stop bugging him, stop trying to interfere with his life... He married his high school sweet heart! THey have two kids together, A very happy family...

OKAY IM SHUTTING UP ABOUT HIM NOW.... All the time wasted on wanting and wishing....I'm a loser....


I have my good days and I have my bad days... I can be happy most of the time.. but when I really start listening to all the echos of sadness, all the thoughts and regrets.. it just...makes me feel horrible... Okay...im done.... DONE Talking about all of this.. I started writing this post with something really in depth, I wanted to just....tell people.... I dont know... all I do is complain... so i'm sorry..

Thanks for reading this pointless post...

-joshua