Bored of the Warden...

I don’t know what to do.

I just don’t!



The Warden is being this super bitch to my favorite cousin E,
She is being very judgmental and unfair, (the warden) but what else is new?

I just don’t want MY mom making her feel bad because she doesn’t deserve it! AT ALL.

What I hate the most is the cycle. It starts with me doing something that my mom doesn’t like, having someone over or hanging out with certain people or being past curfew or just about anything can set her off. Then she gets mad at me and she doesn’t talk to me, look at me for a couple days. Then she gets my sisters to talk to me and try to make me apologize to her, which I NEVER DO. And then my mom ends up sitting me down and crying the entire time, rattling off all sorts of drama bullshit. THEN she never listens to my side, then the conversation is over and she hugs me. THEN BAM. She is talking to me again, happy, bubbly, FAKE.

Its only a matter of time before something else happens and she turns into the vile, insane Bitch! The cycle goes over and over, I just need to get out of this house. What the hell am I still doing here? Oh…the no money…no job thing… Hm…I would rather be poor and living on the streets then here. I hate it.

If its not one thing its another with her, I will never make her happy, and now that we are going on a week long “Last family vacation” she is acting all bubbly and happy because she wants a happy trip. SCREW THAT.

My mom can be vile to me but she cant be that way to the people I care about, she cant assume things and be judgmental and rude to the people I love. Even though we are talking now, you just wait. I hope she knows that once I’m gone, IM GONE.

E has offered me to move in with them.. But I know that wouldn’t work. Mostly because.. IM LAZY, I mean I am trying to get a job now. But I feel if I moved in with them I’d be this huge burden, They are so amazing and I love them but I just don’t want to weigh them down like that. I just need to get a job so I can finally build up some money.. Ugh.. Does anyone know who is hiring?

I feel sick to my stomach living here.. I just need to get OUT.

I am so happy when I’m just out with my friends. Because I am happy.

I went to the airport again tonight.. I sat up and just stared out over the lights..

I wish I could just get away from here. Far away from this town, it seems so impossible, so overwhelmingly impossible. One of my very good friends are planning to move to Chicago! How exciting would that be? To find a place and just GO FOR IT. She has big plans and she is super successful so I know she can make it anywhere, but to see a dream and just go for it… It’s just amazing!

I want to be a writer, I only have a couple written stories that aren’t very long. I wonder I could just combine them all. Have a short story book and have it sell a lot, but I’m not sure it even would, I just wish I knew where to start, who to send it to, when and where and for how much. Its another overwhelmingly impossible thing that seems to grow into more of a fantasy then a reality. It’s so frustrating to see authors my age getting books out, how did they get their start? Does the fact that I can only write short stories make it a stupid dream to seek after, I’ve always wanted to go into Barnes and Noble and see my book on the shelf.

That would be the coolest thing ever! Except the downside to writing a book, some people might love it, but what if it doesn’t sell? What if my book is like the many I’ve seen go straight to dollar bins or discount stores. What if instead of having lines at an autograph table, im the one with no one at mine.

I don’t know what’s more frustrating or scary… Wondering about your dream, planning it out in your head and failing or succeeding.. Or ACTUALLY trying to achieve your dream, your life-long dream..and have it crash and burn.
What would I do with my life then? A failed author cant really be a Creative Writing teacher, I don’t know what to do. I am scared to death of living, scared to death to fail.


Then there is the whole thing with Cody, The distance just makes me un interested in him every day. I try to text him, but he is just always busy. So I am not sure what to do. We connected and bonded when he was here, but having him so far away for so long, it kinda makes the fire die out. I am not sure what to do, he says that he is fine with me dating other people. I am not sure if I can even trust him, did I mention that he called Scott to hook up the DAY after we broke up? It was actually that night that we talked about just being friends, he moved on that quick just to “get some” Is that really the kind of person I should be striving to be with?


Where is the guy like me? The guy who grew up in the church, but all along secretly wondered what it would be like with a guy. And to actually pursue it. How many other guys went to church just because they were in love with the leader, or checked out guys at school. Where is the guy that isn’t obsessed with drugs or alcohol or partying? I mean sure I haven’t tried drinking, but does that really make life better? I love to go dancing and having fun, but not all the time. I want a guy that can sit down and have serious conversations, to have a NORMAL guy.

I’m slowly giving up on that perfect guy, I know that no one is perfect but what is so wrong with wanting something like that? I know that I will never meet my perfect guy, but I wonder if I’ll ever get that sign that says, “This is good as your going to get:” I know that sounds horrible to say. I just want to be happy, to not worry about anything in a relationship, that its so natural that were together it just…MAKES SENSE.

I know that if I keep waiting, then I’ll miss out on the really great guy in front of me. I am just thinking that my guy isn’t in the State of Utah.

I hope he is out there somewhere though, I just need to go with the steps first.

Get a job.
MOVE OUT
Go to school
GET THE HELL OUT OF SAINT GEORGE



Thank you for all for reading, if anyone still is out there.. I know I’m boring now…

I am sorry if my stupid family ever makes you feel bad,

I’m sorry E, I wish I could make my mom see things right, but we both know she just sees things at one angle, ONLY THE TOP OF THE SURFACE.


LOVE YOU,

-joshua