Thinking....

To start off the blog, i'm sorry for my insane love-life ups and downs!


I swear! Something is wrong with me! I was really happy with Cody, believe me, he is super different and amazing! He just lives too far away! 2 hours do not seem like a far distance... but its pretty far considering that he couldn't even see me if I drove up there! He isn't out to his family and apparently they are worse Homophobes then my family... Its just..frustrating!


I don't know whether to keep it going and see what happens, I will see him in two weeks for a whole day, then the whole month of April he wont be able to visit... so we are going to have a Text-relationship? We barely talk on the phone! I am just thinking that this was over before it began.. I just hate getting excited about something to have the dream smashed down! I need to stop investing to much energy into things, I mean... I shouldn't even be blogging right now! I mean who has time to read this....CRAP!? It may have started out as a venting process... a place where I could go to just spill my REAL problems...this is just rambling.....

I think i'm going to tell him that we need to take things SLOWER, which is lame of me... It seemed like when he was here we Fast forwarded through too many steps.. I know i'm a whiner ....

I will tell him that we can date other people? I dont know! I mean there aren't guys lining up to date me, I just feel tied down to him, like I can't even check out another guy because I feel super bad because I technically have a boyfriend.. But you just need to know that I haven't even heard from him in 2 days! I mean I got a text this morning saying that he missed me, that was it, I texted back. and NOTHING.
He is just busy all the time, and I know I shouldn't complain just because I currently have all the time in the world! UGH... I just think it would be better if we were dating other people while he lives there and I live here, and who knows maybe when he finally moves here in the fall I will Man up and stop being so negative... I think that would be best...


I found a new spot to think! I was driving around after I got some yummy coffee and I drove up to the airport and I found a spot that looks over the whole city, Its amazing! The icy wind was blowing and the clouds were just barely over the sun, it was so chilly and GREAT! I just sat there and breathed in the fresh air, a lame poem idea came into my head... and at the same time, another idea for a previous story... I love random bits of inspiration..

here is the poem.. if ya even wanna hear it.. yeah I'm a rymer just so you know.. I am not good at poetry whatsoever..so bare with me!


Free

By Joshua



Im standing here…

18 years tall, I look around at this town, wishing it would grow small,

I look to the heavens of the stars shining bright, I close my eyes,
Spread wings, take flight.

I lift from this place, this crushing despair,
Look to the sky, to the stars, feel the air.


I breathe in , as the weight lifts free, a new world, a new heart , new adventure for me.

My wings white like snow, they glide on the wind to show,
that I can and will break free from this mundane status quo.

I look to see the ceiling fan that is closing me in, grinding gears of harsh thoughts and the talking of sin.

Breathe easy as feathers fall, pass one ceiling fan you pass them all.


Before you know I’m out of sight this time, for me.
In the blackness of night, you’ll see me one day leaving and as small as can be,

Myself, forever liberated, relaxed and

FREE.

Cheesy but thats how I felt...

Even though I still live at Hell house, I just looked around this small town and told myself that things were going to be okay, that there was more to life then this, more to life then this small, narrow minded town. That one day, and one day hopefully soon... I'll spread my wings and get out, and just GLIDE and Soar to new horizons, new adventures. I am 18... almost 19 years old.. I will get a job. I will complete some schooling and I'll Live. No matter how hard my life seems now, with no money, no job and a confusing love-life... Things WILL BE FINE...

I know I sound crazy or....*shudders* Bi Polar.. dont ask... I am just trying to look at things through a different perspective.

So if you were to ask me... "How are you Joshua?"
My reply would "For now? Just ok."

I got some word back from a couple of job apps, You can cross Target off your long list of places i've applied.



I think all of you should go find your "thinking" place if you haven't already.. I will definitely visit mine more often, If you ever want to meet up there for cold drinks or coffee, Text me!


Thank you for all your love and support,

through all my rambles, through my ups and downs,
when i've laughed, and when i've cried,
My good news, and my horrible bad news,

THANK YOU ALLLL !!!

-Joshua