(Sorry in advance for the whacky spacing, I started writing this blog as a Phone Note, so I'll do my best to space it out like normal...wont be doing that again! Lol)
Being alone on the happiest places on Earth is just about as fun as it sounds... True.. It was my fault for wandering around alone... But you have to realize the people im going with...
True Disney is an "all about family" place...
The thing is that my family are not good company...most of the time, I hope no one reading thinks im a horrible person, but to those that know my family...know that they are nothing but judgemental and rude to anyone outside of their bubble... The funny/strange thing about my family is.. They think Gay Men, and Women are abnormal and the whole lifestyle is wrong and twisted..when in reality THEY are the twisted ones!
I mean my sister never steps in, she sits back and watches fights unfold and just stands there, my other sister does whatever he Whitetrash boyfriend tell her too! Do you know they laugh the same now? That they almost dress the same? I remember my old sister, I remember her old attitude, style, laugh, creativeness! Not many of her friends now never knew that she was a Bug collector, me and her used to ride bikes down at the school, she taught me how to go down this huge hill when I was like 8! I miss the old Kate, The one I see all the time now is just a hollow version, Ty hollowed her out and now shes just like him, empty.
I hope no one thinks i'm being too harsh..but its hard to see someone change so much right in front of your eyes.
My other sister (who is younger) is constantly making weird noises, saying strange things, and maybe she feels left out, that she feels like no one is paying attention to her, but its so hard to sit down and have a normal convo with her when she doesn't even try~!
We arrived in California on Monday afternoon, My first plane ride.. I planned it out in my head to be this awesome experience, that I would get there and id be sat by some random, amazing person and we would talk the whole flight! ...Ha...silly right?
But we got there and I got to sit next to a very Homophobic Asshole Which of course was super!(He turned to look at me and smiled and held out his hand and I shook it, he then saw my Gay Pride bracelet and didn't say a word to me the whole flight, he wouldn't even look at me! He sat and talked with the guy that he didn't know right next to him...
ANYWAY!!!!!!! >>>>>> An hour later we got to our hotel, its pretty nice. My sister >>>>>> Kate and her boyfriend Ty were waiting at our hotel,
Ty was just as rude and loud since I saw him last, nothing changes with him..
Melissa and her fam got there a couple hours later and Monday flew by,
Tuesday was our first day in Disneyland, My Mom cried a good half of the time, missing my Dad, then that got everyone else crying saying how they wished he was here, that we would have to go on all of his favorite rides.. Does it make me heartless to just get weak and try to shut out the memories or stories!? I mean I miss him too!!! But if u fill up your life with nothing but memories of someone gone, then pretty soon that's all u think about, and all the time spent living in the present is pointless if u dwell in the past...
AnYway Tuesday was no different,Filled with my family wanting me to spend every second together, I know we came for the last time as a family.. But I can't stand my family sometimes, The times where I want to be with them, they say or do something that..just drive me away. The only good part about Tuesday was getting an icecream...Haha I was walking behind Melissa and her husband when I saw a really cute guy working at the icecream stand, It got that heart racing, hands shaking feeling, he was gorgeous! So of course I walked right by because a guy like that wouldn't be into me, And I knew the odds are of him being Gay were pretty slim,
But I told myself to turn around and I went back.. I don't remember what I ordered but I know I stumbled up and I smiled at him, His name...which now I feel bad about... was either Daniel or Dave... Ha I wasn't paying attention because I was nervous! (Im not a very good at flirting...and wouldn't know how to even recover if he was actually straight or if I got rejected...) But anyway, he had a very nice smile and while getting my icecream said something to one of the other girls and that's when I could totally tell he was Gay lol, Now my Gaydar sucks...most of the time...but I could tell..I got my icecream smiled at him and I......walked off.....What an idiot!!!
I did go back for a spoon about 10 seconds later, my heart was racing too fast...I should have said something! Damnit! IM sorry for telling that incredibly horrible story on how I was a chicken....I COULD HAVE JUST SAID....SOMETHING! So I walked away and... I just can't get that out of my head....the moment keeps replying in my head, I told myself that I would have a second chance, that I could find him later, that I could ask him for his number then, I assured myself that everything would be fine, that id find him and maybe we wouldn't end up in a relationship one day... But... I don't have a lot of Gay friends...living on Narrow Minded Ville Utah...So it would have been nice to know someone outside, someone normal.. I feel horrible and empty when the moment keeps playing, Play.Pause. Rewind....Play.. Pause...rewind...Over and over... And im like one of those people in a scary movie screaming "Turn around! Turn around! Goooo the other way!"
A couple days passed.. And I didn't see him again, (side story coming up....) Sorry! But I didn't really know when to add this part in but.....I got to meet TORI SPELLING! She is so amazing, and funny! We were sitting at Goofy's kitchen and I was trying to smile and put on a show so my family would leave me alone (I don't like being seen with them because I want guys to actually look at me! Haha Anyway!) so we went and the whole "dining with the Disney Characters was interesting... Maybe I just wasn't in the mood hearing my brother -in law talk my ear off about something that probably didn't matter at the time, or at all. The characters coming over and messing with us, flicking me or waving and it was kinda hard to eat and deal with their out of controllness.. but...
I liked to watch the tables around and see how little kids react to seeing Goofy, Micky or whoever else was going to show up.. The food was super good!
Well anyway (Now for the moment and meeting that made my week! (This was Wednesday I thinkkk) I went to get a plate when I looked over to a couple of tables over and saw Tori Spelling, Her Cute husband Dean just.. Chatting it up with their cute kids! I almost had a heart attack!
I Loved their TV show! They are so cute together! I loved watching their show because I wanted to be like them, Tori is super talented and funny and Dean is very sweet and level headed! I also looooved Tori's Gay friends because I wanted to be them lol ,
To just be able to do and say what u want... To be free from narrow minded people... Its nice to have a little look out the "bubble" once in a while and see that the rest of the world is normal and my Mom and her rules are the insane, and stupid..
I got Tori's autograph and I gave her a copy of my blog address..I didn't want to because I felt totally stupid, I didn't want to bother her at dinner, and I didn't want to be those idiots that are always bugging celebs, I don't expect her to even look at this, its nothing more ramblings of a depressed 18 year old... Haha.. I just thought she'd understand having gay friends, that these random posts are my life, my venting place...
So Tori, if your ever reading this, Thanks for being amazing and awesome! Thanks for being so nice to me :D And if she never reads it... I won't ever know, so I guess that's alright
>>>>>>>>>> fast forward to my laaast day at "The Happiest Place On Earth" My family was evenly paired with my cousins and I was the odd man out, so I was lucky enough to wander around the park by myself yet again, the past couple days.. I have tried to catch a cute guys eye, Not that I would ever have the courage for any number asking or talking... I could at least look at all the California Hotties, I never found "Icecream Guy" though I wonder if I would have actually done anything if I saw him.. So I just wandered around and I eventually ended up at Haunted Mansion! I rode it 10 times in a row, getting on the ride behind people who loved the ride, people who hated it, First timers, frequent riders, Parents, Scared kids, Annoying kids, teens, Russians, Germans, Italians so many paths, stories so many people!! Thousands of thousands of people throughout the park, 1st visits, Old couples who had never been to Disneyland. The look on a little boy's face who was wearing a "1st visit" button that just spotted Buzz LightYear, it was all just amazing to watch! I sat next to so many people that didn't know me, so many people that shared the same likes, dislikes that I wanted to get to know! I hope that doesn't make me sound weird but I just wanted to meet everyone! The family got together and rode Space Mountain one last time, then we boarded the train back to Frontier Land,Standing behind us in line was a guy wearing a tight hott shirt, cool pants and had darkish hair with a pink part in it and we turned out and at the same time said, "I like your hair!" Haha we then boarded on different sides of the train and I wanted to go sit with him and his friends, he was sitting by a girl and I thought they maaaybe they were together, (remember my Gaydar isn't that great....yeahh...)
So I just rode the train and at every stop that wasn't Ours, hoping that he wouldn't get off on another stop, after all I was with my family and my very churchy cousins, I couldn't very well get up and off the train to chase after a guy! So when our stop came, I saw him and his friends get off and I booked (i've just realized that I've used the word 'Booked' a lot.. I guess its my word of the week! )So anyway... I raced after them! I can't even remember what I said to my family but I walked passed the Pink Haired guy and I smiled and tried to look sexy (which is almost impossible for me) and he smiled and waved, I then got clear down the block and my SUPER COOL COUSIN E's voice
" (The voice of Get off your ass and take a leap!)" (the same voice that got me up to get Tori Spellings autograph and a copy of my Blog) Which is actually kinda crazy because when I first came out to her she has always reminded me of Tori Spelling, and she would always say "Oh my gosh, I'm Tory and your one of my Way Cool Gay Best Friends" Ha so actually meeting Tori I just wanted to Hug her! And I did! lol I hope she picked up the vibe that I wasn't like stalking her or something lol, I tend to always play back convo's in my head and just rewind and listen to them again and if I find out I said something stupid.. I torture myself by playing it over and over...haha... So hopefully I didnt make a complete fool of myself......
Anyway back to my MAN story ;) So I stopped and turned around, I gritted my teeth and started walking back towards him, and he was almost caught up with me, "My friends are being Lame..." he said.
"Oh im sorry, haha..." I said, actually shocked that he just started talking like we had been friends for years
"Hm..which way is Splash Mountain..?." He asked looking around
."I think its over that way, im headed to haunted mansion" (because I was trying to be flirty and maybe have him ride it with me.
"Are u from here?" He asked not picking up on my hint taht I guess wasnt so hinty
"Nope..im from saint george Utah" I said smiling.
"Oh! Im from Salt Lake"
We then flirted it up for a little bit more when he smiled and said, "well is should get back to my friends, here's my number, call me if u ever want to come visit me in salt lake!" I had waited my entire vacation to meet someone! ! I tried so many times, but I guess im just not that great looking but thats right, Lol I got my Vacation Cutie a couple mins before Midnight,
He invited me back to their hotel for a party, and I almost went.. thinking that this one time I could do something crazy and fun and just GO! But my voice of reason (E) talked me out of it, and I'm so glad she did lol, apparently my random Cutie is a big partier, he drinks and smokes, and DONT GET ME WRONG! I know people who drink, I know people that smoke but.. 1. Kissing a smoker is never fun.. 2. Its super bad for you! 3. I have asthma..so Smoking would make it hard for me to breathe, And the fact that he parties isnt a turn off, I just havent ever drank! Not once! I am going to be 19 next month and I haven't drinken anything with Alcohol, but i've wanted to! lol So I ended up not going. and He is still texting me.
I just want to meet a guy like me! Sometimes I feel so different from all the other Gay Guys I know, I mean am I broken? I feel like something inside of me is broken, so I dont want to go out drinking or smoking or sleeping with guy after guy.. is there a Gay guy out there for me that is classy and can date and not be all about sex! I mean Cody is still into me, but I just dont see it working out with me, even on our first date he joked round having a threesome.. I just want a normal guy, not a huge partier, not to beautiful looking so I dont feel bad! lol I just need to hit the gym again.. I get so depressed that I get to tired to even try to get in shape..
Alright, well there was my week, of course there was much more lonely things that happened, or comments or teasing throughout the week, but there are way too many stories to write over a blog, this one is long enough! Feel free to email me if you want, here is my "Joshwah Email" Email with any questions.... or concerns , (josh_wah2009@hotmail.com)
Love you all! thanks for reading!
Oh and E! Thanks for the laughs tonight! I haven't laughed that much all week! I needed it!
love, Joshua!
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