Life

Life seems to hang in the balance for some people lately...

There is no question when it comes to the life a human-being, even if those human-beings have wronged me..

I have thought about killing myself, I admit that. But I realize all the ripple-effects it would make, it would hurt my family, my friends, cousins.

It would leave my nieces both without a Grandfather and without one of their uncles. I would leave my sister and mother without a babysitter (and though I hate to do it, they really count on me)

So suicide, for me.. is Hell No, Not even an option.

Alex has been trying to make contact with me, I have just been telling him that I don't want to be friends with him anymore.. Because we can be F*ck Buds and work our way to friends again, it doesn't work like that for me. I want a fresh start on everything,

If I could rewind time I would stop myself from ever seeing that first movie with him, for ever getting to know him. Sure I shared a lot of firsts with him, but does that really justify what a mess things are now....

He just barely texted me,

"Dang it Josh! You have the opportunity to make a huge difference in someones life right now, I need to know if you hate me"

And I do hate him, but if he is going to be dramatic about all of this I simply said,

"I hope you don't do anything stupid Alex.. I may not want to be your friend, but I still wouldnt want you to hurt yourself..."

and this is what he responded with..

"Goodbye Joshua, Just know that I will always remember you as a great friend. I hope God can forgive me for what i've done, and for what might happen in the coming days."

I am not texting him because.. What if he isn't being dramatic, sure I hate him with every fiber of my being, for torturing me and making me feel like shit all the time.

But I would never want someone to hurt themselves....

I don't know what to do about it....Then I have Ben on the other hand who just confuses the hell out of me.. He is rude to me when I am just trying to help.

I cant remember if I have already blogged about this but he was talking about ending his life a couple days ago.

He was in his dorm and he texted me goodbye. That "Couldnt take the pain anymore" So I freaked out because I know that if I was ever seriously thinking that, I'd want someone to talk me out of it..ya know?

So I called and called, no answer and I was going to actually drive up to where he lives to see if he was alright and he ended up texting me back saying that he "Wasnt planning on actually doing anything, just taking some pain pills" And then he kept saying all sorts of weird things, saying that he wasn't gay, then changing his mind, then telling me to leave him alone. And the last thing he said was "Your annoying the hell out of me , leave me alone!" and didnt text me, defriended me on Facebook...

So I here I am thinking I am helping him from ending his life and he chews me out for no reason, then defriends me like I am this horrible person.. He just texted me today saying he wasn't really aware of what he was typing.. because of what he took..

Well what the hell!?

And on top of this HUGE mess,

My uncle decided this morning that he wanted to end his life. Apparently he left work yesterday without warning, no one could contact him or find him...

The police called this morning and asked for my Dad, which made my mom upset.. and then she asked why and it was because my Uncle wasn't home, then his worked called our house looking for him, so my mom and sister were in a full-on panic, wondering if he locked himself in his house and killed himself or what..

He is a very lonely guy, He lost his mom, My Grandma a couple years ago, leaving him alone in Salt Lake. Them my Dad passing really hit him hard, his only brother, and the one he always went to for advice....

To make a long story short they finally got a hold of him and he was fine, he was by a gas station alley or something.. .

What is wrong with the world today, How can 3 close people in my life suddenly want to end their lives in the same week...its just...insane!

Alex is so confusing...

I wish I could just show everyone reading his texts, there is no possible way to misread them, he is saying that he wants to end his life, and now he is saying he isnt.. whatever..

I guess I just dont want something to happen and have it be my fault.. though it wouldn't be. It would be his choice, not mine....To end his life,... So I guess we will see in the coming days whether Alex is just wanting attention...As for Ben and my Uncle...who know what I am going to do...

Life is so fragile... It's so strange when you really think about it. How many ways it could end, the endless possibilities...

Life is hard enough without throwing in the suicide equation.

Suicide is never the option. For anyone..

I have been hurt.. I have felt the lowest any person can feel.. over stupid life, men, and love.. .. bUt I tell myself that i'll find a reason for all this hurt, that some good will come from it..

It only takes the smallest amount of fumes to keep the car going.. if only until we get refilled.. by the next relationship, but the next good thing that happens to us. We just have to keep hanging on through the storms.. through the things that make us want to let go...

Phew.. I am think I done talking, er.. typing..

I just want to let everyone reading know that I love ya! Thank you so much for reading my thoughts and secrets without judging me, Thank you all for everything!

I am also sorry if you feel neglected by me, I promise we will hang out soon! Text me and we will plan something! LOVEEEESS!

-Joshua