Our small town....?

No word back from Joshua's Journal, its been a couple days... It was a dumb idea anyway...

I will go and check it tomorrow, if its gone, or not written in... I will just throw it away lol..

So this week has been hell.. full of Warden Drama, over taking the car because I don't want to be home on a weekend by midnight..

She treats me like a little kid.. I know I am still living at home.. But I HATE IT! I have applied at 5 places now, NO ONE IS HIRING, i am trying here!

Yesterday was fun though, I went over to my cousin E's house where they were having a party for her husband. I had a BLAST! We talked with their friends that came over, everyone was just in a good mood and having fun, (and getting more drunk my the second) Sorry E! I promise no one reading this will know its you, I don't write about this to tease you, I am telling...(ok.. I am going to stop actually talking to her on here.. SORRY) haha I just want her to know that I LOVE THE HELL OUTTA HER FAMILY! It's so normal over there.. like.. I feel like I can walk in there and let my guard down, We can talk and laugh and tell jokes and play board games, its just NORMAL! Its so refreshing!

But the night was cut short (before they got to the dance battle...DANG IT) and I had to go home because I am 18 and living at home with an Insane-O mother and siblings... She hasn't spoken to me since our argument yesterday, she just gets in these moods were she doesn't listen to a word I say, and I can't do anything when she's like that.. its so frustrating!

So she's at work tonight and I am at home babysitting...


OH MY GOSH! I have just typed in the website for Craigslist.com, I have never been there but i've heard people talking about it! There is some creepy stuff on there!! I would never hook up with someone over craigslist, but I was interested to see what people put...um...Wow! haha, Its amazing how many horny guys are in this town! ITS INSANE actually.. I know I shouldn't even CARE..but its like...."Okay, I am super horny, lets hook up in my care somewhere" its crazy! I mean I just want to meet a handsome, nice, guy! I wouldn't want Mindless, meaningless sex with a bunch of strangers! And with the world today you could be meeting a killer! Ha I just cant understand why someone would want to hook up that way!
There was also one about an old man wanting a "son" to take care of, and you had to fit all of this requirements and.. I dont know if people post stuff as a joke..but it was just...strange...


There were some romantic ones though lol so I guess the world is ALL bad, anyway, i'll get off that subject now, Its probably bad if the blogger gets bored of what their talking about...

I shouldn't judge people, and I am not trying to.. its just strange that our little town is so different then I thought!


SoooooOOOOO I am going to try to get one of my stories published, I was going to put them all on the same document and number them and make them into a short story book. (because I have a hard time writing past 40 pages or so.) ..Gosh I am bored again!

Alright BACK to the Craiglist.com, OH MY GOSH! Okay So I said i'd never use it to hook up with anyone, but I just used my fake e-mail to respond to this guy because he was lonely and he wanted someone to talk to, so I thought I could because hey, its random, and its not my real email.. ya know? I just wanted to help someone, so we get talking, find out he goes to Dixie, and then at the end of his email he put this weird symbol and I got the goosebumps when I saw it and I realized I knew exactly who I was emailing.... Oh ... it just occurred to me that I prob shouldn't bring this up.

I dont want it to sound like I am making fun of him, I just thought of all the people it could have been... anyway..



BLah blah Blah... Sorry I just keep ranting on, I will try not to post again until I have something meaningful to say...

Thank you all for reading! Love ya!

-Joshua

Idea...

So I was sitting in my bed last night reading and it was like... 3 A.M. and I got a random idea..

The idea is kinda like a Post Secrets type thing, if you don't know what that is.. You should be ashamed... Ha its a website where you send in a postcard with a secret and you don't put your name on it, I have always wanted to send one in and see it on the website.. maybe...one day.. ANYWAY

So my idea was to get a normal Composition Book and label as, "Joshu's Journal: The Secret Safe Haven" And leave it places like Libraries, or idk.. SOMEWHERE...
And on the front page have a description what the book is, explaining its a place to leave drawings, poems, secrets.. ect. ect.

So I wrote the first couple secrets, just random things that people probably already know about me, OH! forgot to mention that I left my Joshua Email in the front of it so I guess people could email me if they move it .. or I dont know..

This is probably a long shot...
I just hope when people find it, they take it seriously and ...Play along.. lol Because I thought it was a cool idea....It will most likely be thrown away..BUT THATS ALRIGHT

So I will either comment on what they say.. or just.. see what people put.. Idk..

OH! and by the way I already put it in the library.. did I mention that? HAHA... Its in the Adult-Fiction. Row 13. P-R , Top Shelf...lol..SO.. I will let you know how that goes...

HAVE A FANTASTIC DAY! And if you ever see Joshua's Journal! SAY HI!! PLEASE!.. so i dont feel like a total loser.......

I LOVE YOUALL!!

Thanks for reading

-Joshua

Healed, slightly happy, broken, healed again?

Wow...

A lot can happen in a week... seriously..


I met Karson on Monday, He was amazing and great. We hung out again and he gave me the key to his heart, and then later he asked me to be his Boyfriend. Friday we went out on a date and saw a scary movie, then dinner.

Then Saturday we hung out and I found out that he LOVES anime A LOT. .Which I will admit was a bit of a turn-off.

I have never liked Anime, never been around it, but there I was in his room, surrounded by it. And I was just overwhelmed... We click on so many levels, but also VERY different when it comes to stuff like that..

Sunday hits and everything was just overwhelming me.. SOOOooooo I broke it off,

Yes, my first relationship and it crashes and burns in less then a week....But I am looking on the bright side..I am young, Im 18. I just need to start going to the gym, get GOOD LOOKING and then go find a guy!

Lol,

I was very on the fence about a lot of things with Karson, I think we were different on SO many things.. More then I thought.. Maturity being one BIG ONE...is that mean to say.. This isn't a BASH KARSON post, so I dont want it to sound like it..

Oh and dont worry, I never gave him the link to my blog...

Anyway we talked it out, and at first he didn't want to see me.. and he talked like he hated me, But he told me that he still loves me and wants to let me go if I want to go.. I just was stupid to think that we could have started something out of thin air like, "Hello how are you, wanna be my boyfriend?" I literally had a stomach ache when ever I was with him because I kept telling myself just to shut up and be with him because he was so kind ...But I had some very good friends giving me advice on the matter..and they told me it was about my happiness too..

Anyway so me and Karson are just friends, and I think I want to just STAY FRIENDS, because its like.. we jumped ahead, tried dating and holding hands, kissing.. AND THATS IT. SO we skipped a lot of steps.. but I am glad we are on good terms now..Because now that I think about it.. I dont want to be with him that way...

SO THINGS ARE ACTUALLY OKAY!

Now I am free and single again, and it feel actually less stressful and FUN! haha I know I will regret it in a week...But thats alright..

SINGLE AND PROUD! I am now actually craving a Poncho and Lefty's waiter...hm...Hahah

I know I know...calm it down..I am back to my boycrazy self! YUM! Its good to be back..

Sorry about my randomness.. I am just happy that things are ALRIGHT!

Okay I am shutting up now

I wish all of you a WONDERFUL WEEK! HAPPY MONDAY!

Text me ! ALRIGHT?

-jOsHuA

Im Happy... What is so wrong with that?

I don't think I should blog at night..Because I just....Get so un filtered and I just let everything out..

I shouldn't even be blogging about this.. But I am just so..irritated I think is a great word to describe it..

So readers.. You know how shitty my past love-life has been.. I fall for the confused guy, the cowardly one, and the SUPER confusing one..

And then I meet Karson.. He is this perfect, funny, AMAZING, Genuine person and I think things are starting to fall into place.. and everyone else thinks i'm moving too fast.. I DONT GET IT

I can bitch and WHINE and complain about some asshole that used me and left me.. But when I find a reallly AMAZING GUY, That would never hurt me.. everyone (well.. Not everyone because only 4 people if that know) People I trust to really tell me what I should do.. just.. have no comments.. I know the world doesn't revolve around me.. and I am not trying to sound like a bitch but.. I mean... i'm FINALLY not hurting anymore... Not crying because.. im alone..

I just thought that when I did find someone, everyone would just be so happy that im not suffering anymore..because whether you saw it or not.. I was suffering..

I would go home and wonder why everyone else was seeming to find their someone...

I know I might be moving fast or at least that's how it would look to some people, but I don't feel like I am. What is so wrong with finding someone that I love to be around..

I know it might seem crazy, I know it might not make sense. But me and Karson click.. And all that I wanted was someone who understands what its like to be broken hearted... to give up on love entirely to believe that it doesn't exist for some people...

And to be proven completely wrong in one single night...

Karson asked me where I had been all of his life, and I honestly replied

"I think maybe we were both waiting for the other to turn the corner" Because he was waiting for his someone.. and I was waiting for mine, and I just hope I am not sounding lame or cheesy ,

This is such a new feeling for me.. To be accepted by someone with no questions asked..

I just wanted to let those who are concerned about me.. Who think I fell too fast...to not worry about me. Karson is the sweetest guy I have ever met and would never take advantage of me, who knows how it feels to be hurt..

I shouldn't have even typed this entry.. just venting I guess.....Like always..

I just would like to add. that if you look at all the guys I was with.. and all the people I was ever jealous of.. Of Scott always getting the guys...He is now depressed.. without anyone.. I am not saying that to throw it in his face..but it just makes me think

and Alex... a nervous wreck who wont leave me alone, who is constantly trying to talk with me.. he's alone, and Jude... Who I haven't spoken to since then... My friend Chase that always hit on me but told me he was only into women... All of these people in my life have hit dead ends ya know.. and I thought I was at a dead end yesterday.. I was so lonely but then I actually meet Karson and I knew from that moment it wasn't some dead end.. It wasn't the end... It was just the beginning.. and that is why I am so excited!

I just wanted to let everyone know... that I am happy..That I would like to take this new adventure in my life and see where it takes me, is that so wrong?

Goodnight, I love you all!! Thanks for reading, and thanks for all the advice, I know that you all are just trying to help, And I am very thankful for all the amazing people in my life <3

Take care!

-Joshua

Butterflies

Wow! I am in such a fantastic mood right now!!!

I can't even explain to you how happy I feel right now.. Its like all the times I was sad .. Dont mean anything anymore.. For the first time in a LOONG time.. I feel..Whole.

I met someone! He is so different then anyone i've ever met!

Isn't it strange how two people can be so compatible and not even know eachother for the longest time!?

His name is Karson. He is tall, Bright blue eyes, amazing build.. I am smiling as im trying to describe him!

My friend who reads this blog introduced us, Thank you Lucy! I hope you aren't rolling your eyes right now.. But he is the greatest guy I have ever met!

We met at the mall, (our first time meeting in person) I knew of him in High school but we weren't friends.. which is actually really LAME when I think about it now, if I could go back I would be his friend.. But I guess we are together now so the past is passed and it doesnt matter now :D

After we met up at the mall we went to Chili's to eat (I've never been to Chili's ) It was super yummy, then we got into his car and just drove around for hours holding hands and listening to music.

He then took me back to my car and we kissed.

The perfect ending to a perfect night! He is such an amazing kisser... :D

It was amazing! I love the times where you can just talk for hours about anything with someone you care about ya know? I know I might sound like I am rushing things..Believe me I am trying to slow down but its so hard to be slow when it feels so right.. ya know?

My stomach is just fluttering lol, I had such a good time!

Wow this was a short blog post..

Just letting my Blog readers know that for the first time in a long time..I'm Happy! Karson is a long-needed breath of fresh air :D

He wants to read my blog.. Hm... I don't know..I have so much drama about Men in here it will probably scare him off.. But if he does end up reading, "Hi there Cutie! Text me!" :D haha alright hopefully I didnt scare of my other readers :p

I am headed to bed

in the best mood!

Thanks for reading!!! sorry it was so short! I am sure there will be plenty to talk about as time goes on! Till Then,

I love you all!!! Take care!

-Joshua

To go.. Or not to go..

This is sooooo not worth blogging about..

But this month.. on the 29th.. My friends are going to Vegas to go to Chippendales and go to Club FroZEN, They invited me, saying that the only reason they were going to Chippendales was because I wanted to go...

AND I DO! I mean come on! Hott men dancing around and singing ! I like the schedule..just... not the people I am going with..

We have...One friend who is super, over-dramatic and loud..

Scott....Who is a confusing loser..

and well the 3rd one is fine.. I dont know I just feel like if I go.. It will be NON STOP DRAMA

I have to decide by like... Tomorrow....Ugh I feel sick to my stomach! I want to go, have fun with my friends going to Chippendales (because i've always wanted to go) But is all the drama that comes with hanging out with them actually worth it..?

Besides should I really be going off to Vegas to spend money that I shouldn't be spending, I need a Job.. I have basically no savings..I am just a mess

I have the money to go to Vegas..But I am just....DAH!

Would it be worth it...? This was a waste of a post..I am just confusing.. So if your reading this, Email, Text, or call me and help me decide here.

Is it wrong to just want to go for the Yummy Chippendales?

Hm....

Taking Offense or Taking a stand?

Hello,

Let me start of with some updates, Ben is no longer being suicidal, I only hear from him once a week, but thats alright.

Alex hasn't texted me since that day.. I am not even going to think about it.

And for the next subject...

There is a Seminary teacher that I have well...Hated, since I was in his class..

He would make comments about people that were gay, rude comments ALL the time. He was always so high and mighty and it bothers me still because he hasn't gotten any better.

My good friend was in his class when he brought up Adam Lambert, which is a touchy subject with me because not only is he an AMAZING singer and performer, but he is super hott!!

He is unique, and kind, and just.. REAL!

The world seems to act harshly towards him over that performance he gave, but he's talented and he was just trying to put on a good show, I still love the heck out of him and never thought for a second that he was any less of a singer, I got into a couple arguments with my friends who kept bashing him because he was gay and it just makes me mad that they judge him because of that. Of all the things I would describe about him, probably the last would be that he was Gay, ANYWAY

So my friend was sitting in Seminary and Brother...Pighead (lol) Kept going off saying that “yeah I agree adam lambert is like the devil you can see it in his face..”

He is constantly saying hurtful things, I mean "I constantly feel like being gay is like being a spy. When people don't know that your gay they will tell you exactly how you feel because they wont know it will offend you" that is quote that I heard on a really great movie I was watching yesterday.. Mulligans. But dont look it up to watch it because I probably butchered the quote...haaha but anyway, I sat in his class, and every other Seminary class and I knew that I was gay, and here they were at the front of the class making comments that hurt my feelings because they thought "Oh we can talk about them because they arent here" Well.. I was....

So I wrote him a letter a couple of hours ago. It was mostly just me rambling, I probably wont put it on his desk because I dont want to ruffle any feathers, even though this teacher ruffled mine almost every day I was in his class, So I will just include it here in my blog and if I never end up giving it to him. I will at least share my thoughts, even if he wont see it.

Here it is,

"Dear Brother Pighead (I didnt really put that)

Let me start off by saying that I’ve never liked or respected you as a seminary teacher. I’ve heard through the grave-vine that you were verbally bashing Adam Lambert, you are possibly the most judgmental, arrogant, pig-headed person I know.

Adam Lambert is more of a man then you will ever be, He is talented, amazing, handsome and he is genuine.

I am sick of people casting judgment on him when they don’t even know him, so what if he’s gay, its his choice! It does not make a man less manly if he happens to want to go home to a man instead of a women.

Being gay is not a disorder, disease or a threat to anyone.

What is so wrong with being in love? Loving someone who understands you, someone you can sit down with at the end of the day and love every minute with them.

I have known Gay men and women that treat their significant other better then any straight man or woman.

And what about the Gay and Lesbian Actors and Actresses out there, do you think just because their Gay , makes them any less talented? Because you’d be wrong.

Adam Lambert, Lady Gaga, Wanda Sykes, Ellen Degeneres and her beautiful wife, Portia de Rossi, Queen Latifah, Neil Patrick Harris, Tanner Cohen the list goes on! All these people have created amazing messages, people that inspire me, Ellen is the kindest person on the planet, Do you see the devils face when you look at her just because she goes home to a woman? The list of Gay, Lesbian, and Bi Actors go on forever and ever, All genuine, unique, AMAZING PEOPLE!

Lady Gaga’s message to her fans is, “Never be afraid to be who you are” and her acceptance speech at the VMA’s “This is for God, and the Gays” I look up to her so much, and I wont put up with harsh judgments from a very narrow minded, WRONG, seminary teacher.

I could talk about this for hours because though I don’t know these people personally, they all aren’t afraid to be who they are, what if one of your children grow up to be gay, will you kick them out? Will you send them to counseling because you think something is wrong with them?

I am proud to be gay and I personally take offense when narrow-minded people think they can say whatever they want, when they have no idea what their talking about.

So how about you watch what you say because you’ve offended at least me more then once in the years I took your class.

The world would be a better place without stupid, harsh comments like you’ve said about Adam Lambert and Gay people in general.

Saying someone is basically the Devil, that “You can see it in their face” is a horrible thing to say, do you think God laughed when you said that? Do you think God clapped his hands and smiled thinking how good his little worker Bee said that about one of his children.

Whether you like it or not, Adam Lambert is God’s son too, How could you say that about another human being.

I cannot believe you are in charge of all these young minds, you and your biased opinion swaying them to one side.

What if someone listening was on the fence about being gay, that they were confused about liking guys and they actually thought of ending their lives because the realized the church “hated” Homosexuals, and here you are in front of the class, pouring out your hurtful comments. How can I make such a outlandish accusation, because I sat in your class, I was so confused about liking men, I am so thankful I didn’t listen to you and your hatefulness, you made me sick to my stomach with your comments on things I felt strongly about. I am proud to say that I am not longer that silent man in the back, I am speaking up for what I believe in. I still believe in God, I still love the church, I just want a Joshua, not a Wendy.

Why don’t you consider other peoples feelings before you express your opinions and let the class join in Gay bashing.

You should be ashamed that you’ve tainted the name of the church, I am gay and I still love the church, God loves me, so why don’t you stop treating Homosexuals like their less then human. Because I know and hopefully will know more humble, respected, kind gay men, that are far better then you in every way.

Goodbye Mr. Richins I am glad I wasn’t there that day in class because I would have blown up and lost it. I held my tongue enough in your class as well as the other teachers

I AM GAY AND I AM PROUD! I wish I could put my name on this, but realize it would cause problems and your not worth my time.

I hope you realize that you cannot take sides, you have no idea if your student feels strongly against what your saying, I hope you can retract the poison you’ve spread through your years of being a seminary teacher.

-Former Student, "

Was that too much you think? I dont know.. I guess unleashed a ton of stress out in that one.. Of all the times I didnt say anything when I should have...

I know I basically rambled my way through it, but thats how I feel..And I dont think it was too harsh...

Notice that it didn't contain any cuss words, thats because the letter your reading up there was the final edit lol, I don't think cussing him out would help the message I was trying to get across, that you never know who your going to offend with what you say...

So basically what i've learned..

1. Certain Seminary teachers will always and forever be narrow minded and stupid.

2. I could watch the movie, "Were The World Mine" A THOUSAND times a day and still love it more and more.

3. Gay-interest movies may not always have a happy ending, but they always have a good message.

4. I am young, I will find Mr. Right one day, but for now I just have to focus on today, right now. On living it up and having fun , surrounding myself with Great friends and Amazing times!

Thank you for reading, Thank you for your comments, It really does mean alot.

Yours truly, Joshua

Life

Life seems to hang in the balance for some people lately...

There is no question when it comes to the life a human-being, even if those human-beings have wronged me..

I have thought about killing myself, I admit that. But I realize all the ripple-effects it would make, it would hurt my family, my friends, cousins.

It would leave my nieces both without a Grandfather and without one of their uncles. I would leave my sister and mother without a babysitter (and though I hate to do it, they really count on me)

So suicide, for me.. is Hell No, Not even an option.

Alex has been trying to make contact with me, I have just been telling him that I don't want to be friends with him anymore.. Because we can be F*ck Buds and work our way to friends again, it doesn't work like that for me. I want a fresh start on everything,

If I could rewind time I would stop myself from ever seeing that first movie with him, for ever getting to know him. Sure I shared a lot of firsts with him, but does that really justify what a mess things are now....

He just barely texted me,

"Dang it Josh! You have the opportunity to make a huge difference in someones life right now, I need to know if you hate me"

And I do hate him, but if he is going to be dramatic about all of this I simply said,

"I hope you don't do anything stupid Alex.. I may not want to be your friend, but I still wouldnt want you to hurt yourself..."

and this is what he responded with..

"Goodbye Joshua, Just know that I will always remember you as a great friend. I hope God can forgive me for what i've done, and for what might happen in the coming days."

I am not texting him because.. What if he isn't being dramatic, sure I hate him with every fiber of my being, for torturing me and making me feel like shit all the time.

But I would never want someone to hurt themselves....

I don't know what to do about it....Then I have Ben on the other hand who just confuses the hell out of me.. He is rude to me when I am just trying to help.

I cant remember if I have already blogged about this but he was talking about ending his life a couple days ago.

He was in his dorm and he texted me goodbye. That "Couldnt take the pain anymore" So I freaked out because I know that if I was ever seriously thinking that, I'd want someone to talk me out of it..ya know?

So I called and called, no answer and I was going to actually drive up to where he lives to see if he was alright and he ended up texting me back saying that he "Wasnt planning on actually doing anything, just taking some pain pills" And then he kept saying all sorts of weird things, saying that he wasn't gay, then changing his mind, then telling me to leave him alone. And the last thing he said was "Your annoying the hell out of me , leave me alone!" and didnt text me, defriended me on Facebook...

So I here I am thinking I am helping him from ending his life and he chews me out for no reason, then defriends me like I am this horrible person.. He just texted me today saying he wasn't really aware of what he was typing.. because of what he took..

Well what the hell!?

And on top of this HUGE mess,

My uncle decided this morning that he wanted to end his life. Apparently he left work yesterday without warning, no one could contact him or find him...

The police called this morning and asked for my Dad, which made my mom upset.. and then she asked why and it was because my Uncle wasn't home, then his worked called our house looking for him, so my mom and sister were in a full-on panic, wondering if he locked himself in his house and killed himself or what..

He is a very lonely guy, He lost his mom, My Grandma a couple years ago, leaving him alone in Salt Lake. Them my Dad passing really hit him hard, his only brother, and the one he always went to for advice....

To make a long story short they finally got a hold of him and he was fine, he was by a gas station alley or something.. .

What is wrong with the world today, How can 3 close people in my life suddenly want to end their lives in the same week...its just...insane!

Alex is so confusing...

I wish I could just show everyone reading his texts, there is no possible way to misread them, he is saying that he wants to end his life, and now he is saying he isnt.. whatever..

I guess I just dont want something to happen and have it be my fault.. though it wouldn't be. It would be his choice, not mine....To end his life,... So I guess we will see in the coming days whether Alex is just wanting attention...As for Ben and my Uncle...who know what I am going to do...

Life is so fragile... It's so strange when you really think about it. How many ways it could end, the endless possibilities...

Life is hard enough without throwing in the suicide equation.

Suicide is never the option. For anyone..

I have been hurt.. I have felt the lowest any person can feel.. over stupid life, men, and love.. .. bUt I tell myself that i'll find a reason for all this hurt, that some good will come from it..

It only takes the smallest amount of fumes to keep the car going.. if only until we get refilled.. by the next relationship, but the next good thing that happens to us. We just have to keep hanging on through the storms.. through the things that make us want to let go...

Phew.. I am think I done talking, er.. typing..

I just want to let everyone reading know that I love ya! Thank you so much for reading my thoughts and secrets without judging me, Thank you all for everything!

I am also sorry if you feel neglected by me, I promise we will hang out soon! Text me and we will plan something! LOVEEEESS!

-Joshua

I dont understand....

Wow just a warning I started this blog and I lost my train of thought..so thats..why its so short..haha I am just in a weird mood I guess...

Alright,

This post is basically going to be about me complaining about why men don't fall for me But they fall for Scott...

I wish I could just cut him out of my life too, he is just always there, commenting on my posts, "Liking" my status, Texting, calling emailing blah blah blah blah!!

So this next part is SOOO not even a big deal but I am just annoyed !

So there is this Jock, he is super good-looking, amazing hair, smile, body.. just everything!

And one day I was showing my friends him in the yearbook because I think he is amazing, I know nothing would ever happen because he is super hardcore straight, and even if he was gay he'd go out with much better looking guys then me...ANYWAY

So Scott sees his picture and goes home and adds him on facebook and they chat it up, He does it to annoy me I swear, I mean I could have added him as a friend because I actually know.....of him...haha.. But at least we went to the same school..I dont know..

So I guess those two are buddy buddies now and It just pissed me off, I guess I am just jealous of Scott's ability to just dive into a crowd and make everyone love him,

I am more of a, get to know you in person and REALLY get to know you not just have sex.. and not talk to eachother ever again...I dont know I am just a mess I guess....

Why in the hell am I even worried about how many guys he can get? I guess the part that really bothers me is, he will go on and ON about how cute a guy he met is, then he'll be like.

"But I dont want a relationship with a guy, I am not ready for that" Because he came out as Bisexual so that basically means "Im a coward and I can't pick a team"

Alright that is probably a little harsh.. I just think its strange that someone would be on the fence on what gender to like.. For me I dated a girl, she dumped me and I just realized that I like Men, there was not much wondering about women ya know?

SOOOOO I guess it just bothers me that he can just meet all these people at college and he will say "They were checking me out.. blah blah blah" Maybe I am the loser here..

I am the one that hasn't signed up for college because I am just...wanting to move out, to get a job (strike that.. reverse it)

I already got in a fight with the Warden about movie out because she has this super strict Midnight Curfew.. anyway I told her I am getting a job so I can move out.. then I will some how get money for college and take some classes.. I am just so stupid for waiting this long... I am such a loser!

I wonder if its too late to sign up now... Is it wrong to just want to go to college just so I can see what guys are there...probably.. Dah.. I am just rambling now and I am sorry..

I am just tired of everything right now..

I am tired of Alex always texting me, emailing me, adding me on Facebook, ETC. Because he wasnts to be friends again , he told me that if I didnt want to be friends anymore all I had to do was ask and he would leave me alone, I have told him that I dont want to see or speak or hear from him ever again, how many times can I put it as blunt as possible...

I am done with Scott.. I am SUPER already done with Alex.. I think im just done with relationships.. for a looong while.. but dont quote me on that because if I do meet a nice, decent guy in the near future I will erase this post and deny it was ever written! :D

Wow... I just walked away for the computer for a couple hours and I don't remember what I was talking about...

hm.. I will just end this post and add another later if I think of anything..

Thanks for reading! Sorry that i'm all over the place tonight...

The game has changed and other confusing twists

My first post of the New Year,

I really need to write more often, but I guess writing every couple weeks gives me more to cover..

To start off, 2010 has been so different then 2009!

For starters, after a very confusing meeting with Alex New Years Eve I wrote him a very long e-mail saying that he cant and wont be using me anymore, that just because his love interest shot him down, doesn't mean he could come crawling back to whatever pathetic thing we might have had..

I just got every thing down that I wanted to say, all the things that I held in so many times so I didn't hurt his feelings or give him something to fight about..

When I would try to bring up serious stuff before he would freak out on me and I would learn to just keep what was inside my head quiet....well to him anyway.

I decided that he was asshole and no matter how much he begged, how much he promised, that he would always still be the same ole Alex, who never thinks of anyone but himself.

So I sent him that e-mail and let me tell you... I was so nervous for his reaction because i've seen him mad, but what the hell I am not afraid of him!

He replied almost instantly and it took me by surprise how easy he took all that I had to say, he then went on and on about he wanted to make it right, blah blah blah..

I will admit that at times I cant be a total bitch, I can chew someone out and tear them apart (verbally) if they get me mad enough, but there are days every now and again where I suddenly feel bad for all that i've said.. even if it was the truth...

That is why I am so glad I have my cousin E, she is the sane one, the very clear voice that shows me not only one angle, but all of them.

She reminded me that for those 3 months that he left me, I was nothing to him, He never called, never texted.. .. Zip... Zero.. Nada. And then she said, "You have doubts about how he made you feel, go back and read your blog entries" (which I had completly forgotten about) and It wasnt 10 seconds later that I realized that Alex is and Ass. So thank you E, for talking sense into me when its needed (so 99% of the time) :)

Oh back to what Alex had to say, he kept texting and calling saying we needed to talk and I finally texted him, "Alex, it wouldnt do any good to sit and chat about all of this, I have made up my mind, I remember all those times when you made me feel the most lowest possibly thing on the planet, you made me feel stupid and vulnerable, I am done Alex....."

And he had texted twice since then saying "Have you made up your mind to forgive me yet"

He is so frustrating because he clearing states in his email that if I didnt want to be friends anymore, to tell him and he would leave it at that... Ha.. yeah.. that hasn't worked out..

The only reason I didnt want to say certain things to him is because he is still my Brother-in-Law's BEST friend.. So i'll still see him every family gathering (actually according to him he "Doesnt want to put me in that situation" so he wont be showing up to any more of my nieces parties, but that is his problem . Not Mine.

I am just so relieved to be done with him, I look back at all the time wasted and just smile knowing that he wont ever waste my time ever again.

Alright, so on to the Scotty Drama.

He has been calling and texting about "us" wanting to know why I don't like him like that.. Oh and did I mention he keeps texting me about his random hook-ups with guys because apparently he is "Bi-sexual" now..

I told myself that I would just say "I like you as my friend, that is it" because despite all of his hookups he says he still likes me, and personally he just annoys the hell out of me now.. But once again I guess that was only a 2009 mistake..

I just hate the way he acts.. most of the time, trying to make me feel bad and acting hurt when I dont give him special attention.. Bleh.. boys boys boys.....

Enough loser guys that I am over, and have been over for awhile (they just need to catch up)

I think I am almost done wrapping this blog entry up...

I am trying to think if there is anything else I need to mention....

I can't think...I will prob remember something after I post this.. Ah well..

THANK YOU FOR READING!!! I love ya!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 2009 is OVER!!!