Too Much

My blog tonight is just going to be more whining, You've been warned.

Last night my mom said she was having chest pains and asked me to take her to the hospital. I really didnt think much about it until she asked me if I would call my brother in law to pick up the siblings, so I drove her and she seemed fine at the time.

We got to the hospital and she got checked in,

thats when it started..

I sat next to the bed as doctors came and went, my mom was sobbing, telling them that she didnt want anything to be wrong because she had to take care of the kids, she had to...

I thought that was horrible...I know I am her son. That I should do anything to help her...but to sit there in a cold hospital room while she clutched my dads ring...that just....killed me...

They had all sorts of things in her, tubes and stuff to check out what the pressure was on her chest, I was so worried that I would lose another parent..

After my dad died things became more hard for some in the family, And it made me wonder how much my family needs to depend on me...I know I just do whatever it takes for my family..

But my dad died when I was 18.....I mean just a couple months ago...

I am 18 years old..I should be enjoying life...not sitting around every night...

ANYWAY back to my mom in the hospital, after her freaking out and freaking me out. It turned out to be nothing, all tests passed with flying colors, no blockage, not a single thing wrong, they said I could be caused from stress from her foot surgery...So here we are 11 o clock at night over nothing, I mean I know that sounds heartless.. And I didnt WANT anything to be wrong, but nothing was....I just...ugh!

I just feel like there is so much pressure for me to step up...But I just...Want to live! I mean I cant be alone anymore, I have to drive my mom around to stores, she doesnt want to be at the house alone, I cant do anything with my friends because she wants me to spend time with the family. EVERYONE thinks I am in a bad mood, but the truth is I am just FED UP!! I dont want this...

I have had headaches for the past week, I just done. ... I know people rely on me, to babysit or pick them up or what ever they need...but sometimes...when Im asked to pick up someone at a certain time, or re-arrange my plans for something else...I just...want MY TIME,

I feel like the only time I can have time to myself is if I drive around, then of course I get constant texts about where I am from my mom..

I know, I should stop complaining and just embrace that my life sucks sometimes, but I just wish I could live my life the way I wanted to, Meet a guy and not be worried about taking him home to my Insane Family,

I want to just...live my life..It wasnt fair that my dad was taken at 18, and what about my siblings...? What did they have to learn from their dad being taken away, that ISNT FAIR,

I know God has a plan, I grew up in the church, I get how it works...But I mean there are so many people in the world that are still alive, someone is alive right now killing, hurting, a dad abusing his kids, his wife, a dad drinking at a party before he drives home and kills another person in a crash, there are millions of people that God could have taken....why my dad...WHY?

Okay..im done whining for the night...I guess what you can get from all of this,

Is that life sucks...most of the time,

Thats enough outta me for the night...

-Joshua

Wondering

I hate not knowing...it makes me nervous..

I woke up this morning.. too early..

Maybe thats how the bad day started, waking up with a huge pulsing headache.

Alex called, his dad is close to dying. I feel so bad for him, because I am the only one that can really relate, even though my dad just went to work one day and never came home.

I told Alex that I would be there for him whenever, he is the only child, that must be hard to face it alone (besides his mother)

I would give anything to have my dad again, Even if it was only for a couple months.. but I wouldnt want him to be in pain.

I wonder which I would prefer, to die quickly, swiftly, almost not knowing that you died it was so quick, with a heart attack or being shot or whatever.... Or would I want to go slowly, so I could say goodbye to my family, say the things I needed to...I would have preferred that with my dad...maybe he had come home and known that his heart was going to give out, to just sick and talk with us, to tell us all the things we needed to know, that I needed to know, to take care of the family, to do all the things he couldnt...all the time was sucked away from us,

No more fathers and sons, no more talks about what he did in high school, what teachers he had, things he learned....Things about camping that I was too stubborn to learn...that I would never hear his say again...

Anyway, enough of that..

I went to a friends house a little later in the day and we watched a movie, It was pretty funny and it cheered me up (I have been feeling really down lately)

And so I get home, wanting to just go to bed..but I saw from outside that my bedroom light was on. I panicked!

Not only did it have my journal that is full of encounters with Alex, but it has really deep thoughts that I dont want anyone just reading (blog journals are a different...) I also have a couple of magazines that I got because it had a hottie on the cover.

So I run downstairs and my sister is sitting in my room,

She said she was helping me look for something that I lost (oh I forgot to mention that)

anyway so I ask her why she was in my room and she said she had a search warrant (that she printed out to be funny) but I was FUMING MAD!

She went around my room opening my drawers telling me where she put all my stuff, (trying to help but I didnt want her help going through my stuff)

So I look over to the drawer wear I keep my journal (hidden under tons of notebooks and papers) and I had realized that I had recently written in it, so it was in another drawer, in complete view of anyone that would have opened it. I quickly made her leave my room , checking to see if anything else had been moved, and I opened the drawer and there were clothes that were out on my dresser before, now shoved in that drawer, by her. My journal had been sitting right there when she opened the drawer, I dont want to even begin to think that she read any of it.

I know how nosy siblings can be, If she read just a little bit of my journal..I would be outed, she is a loud-mouth, and it makes me sick to think that I wasn't home for a good 4 hours....

She said she was just trying to help, that she would never invade my privacy (as I questioned her about my drawers) and I quickly shot back that,"stepping into my room while I wasnt there was an invasion of privacy!"

So hopefully she didnt read my journal, I guess I will find out tomorrow. A secret like that wouldnt be kept long if she was the one that knew it..

I am going to bed feeling sick to my stomach....

Church tomorrow....I better polish my "Im perfectly okay" mask,

Weddings And Diners

Okay, I haven't written on this in a while because I know that no one will ever read it, and if someone did I cant imagine how it would help them..but it does help to get it out...

I think I have given up on Alex, yes we still share moments where he seems to really want me back..But then again he always blames it on something else...I am just tired of wanting someone so much that doesnt show me that he wants what I want..does that make sense...? I dont care if it doesnt bleh!

So I was at a wedding last night, it was beautiful! One of my really good friends got married, Her dress was amazing, they both (the bride and groom) looked amazing, OH! Have I mentioned that I dated her forever ago, yep! But dont worry I am SOOOOO Over that! ;) But She told me when she dumped me...however many years it was that she would never find her someone, she swore she wouldnt find anyone that she would want to spend the rest of her life with...

Well she looked pretty happy yesterday, all I was thinking was, "Good for her!" I mean sure I didnt really like the guy, but I guess she saw the good in him, It was was surreal for me when they had their first dance, the lights dimmed, the music started and it fell silent. And I got chills as they started to sway and you could just tell as they leaned into eachother..that they weren't there anymore, that the smile on his face and the joyful tears welling up in her eyes were a sign that they had only eachother and that was all that mattered, not the crying mother 10 feet away, or the loud kids in the corner, it was beautiful..and I thought to myself as I saw him whisper to her and sing to her is....I wanted that more then anything...to have someone in the middle of the dance floor, close to me.. Someone that wouldnt be afraid to hold my hand in public, or kiss or WHATEVER... I have been to only a couple weddings, all of them for family, but this was a first friend wedding and I will admit I teared up. The song (that I dont remember now,) but it was perfect,

I know I am young, that I can still find that guy out there for me...but its so hard when I dont even know where to begin...The only man I have been this doesnt even like men, or so he says..

Okay now to fast forward the goodbyes and hugs and dancing..

My friends decided that they wanted to go to Dennys after the wedding ( I know..Random!) But I tagged along so I wouldnt have to go home and wallow in self pity....

So we pull up, get a table and we are all talking and laughing,

FAST FOWARD>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

An hour later...

We are leaving and a gay couple that I didnt see until we were on our way out sat at the corner table and I envied them...I recognized one of the boys that I have seen at the High School when I visited, he is probably

2 or 3 years younger then me, and there he was, confident, OUT and with someone that wanted him back.

And sure enough knowing that I noticed them, it wouldnt be too long before my extremely sheltered &

Churchy friends would see them, and of course they did...

So most of my friends were already out the door when my friend behind me says,

"Oh wow...gross look at those two gay guys!" and Walked outside, I could tell that

the couple heard, and I wanted to go over there and tell them how cute they were together,

that they shouldn't listen to idiot people like the people I happen to know..

But I figured that would be weird for me to randomly approach, but now that I think about it

I should have gone over and said something...But I made eye contact with one of them and

pointed at my friend and rolled my eyes, but I saw him smile, I hope he realized that

I wasn't one of the idiots..that I looked up to him soo much for being out and brave and...I dont know..

I just wish I could find my someone, Just a man who will kiss me in public, who will hold my hand or

put his arm around me...I am ready to be brave and fearless..but I am so

afraid at the same time...I know that when I come out I wont be accepted at first,

I am working on it,

Would it be weird to try to find that guy at the high school and if they did hear, to apologize for my idiot friend?

Or do I just assume that he didn't care..I dont know..

Well you know me..I make things that aren't that big of deal into huge issues,

Ugh..

Well to anyone out there that cares, thanks for reading and listening to what I have to say..

-Joshua

And sorry for the wacky spacing...dont know what happened...lol

Kyle VS Alex

Its insane how frustrating life can be...

But I guess I do bring down all this hurt, and suffering on myself..

I want to be with Alex, but he makes it so hard to stay sane. Like last night, he called me over and we watched a movie, and I have been trying to get over him, for many reasons. Number 1 being that he can never make up his mind when it comes to liking guys,

It sucks that Kyle (the internet guy) lives so far away, he is my age, it is nice to find some one that I have so much in common with. But I have realized that he lives too far away to matter, well he matters, but to far for anything happen..

So then I started looking at Alex again, (No I am not a player..) and wondering if he will..I dont know...Make up his mind!...Which I know will never happen... So the guy I want to be with lives to far away for that to be possible...and the guy I have close to me, doesn't want me back, despite what people that know about him have told me...

I just dont know what to do.. I am so torn I..just want a guy that...will want me... Want to be with me and not constantly changing his mind...

I understand that Alex is going through a hard time, it must be difficult to watch your father dying a little more each day..I am not sure how I would have it though... My dad passed away so unexpectedly, we all just got a phone call...It didnt..and still doesnt see quite real... But Alex says that he doesnt know which he would want either.... Because to him, his dad dies everyday, and he has to watch it every time he visits..Watching him slowly slip away...

In ways I am glad I just got a phone call..but I would have wanted to say at least say goodbye...at least Alex can say goodbye each day...but that doesnt make it any easier I know..

Alex has turned into someone else...he is bitter all the time now, he is stressed about work..he seems to be pushing me away...should I let him..? How easy would that be...for him I have no doubts that he could just push the thought from his mind that he was done with me and that would be the end of it, but it wouldnt be easy for me.. The only reason I started wanting Kyle was because I knew that he actually liked guys, that he could admit it. And that he seemed to want me back...I have always wanted Alex to want me..and some days...I think he might deep down..

I just dont know what to do anymore..

Why am I even writing on here? I wrote this for people to read this and..I dont know...Learn from it..or relate to me..

I am sorry this is a whine blog, not that anyone will ever read it......

I am off to go drive around a bit....

-Joshua

A new friend, all smiles today!

Today has been so great!

Hopefully anyone reading this doesn't get whiplash from the mood change in this post, I am super happy! Haha I almost don't want to acknowledge the good mood because I know that soon it will be out and I will be depressed again, but hey enjoy good moments while they last right?

You might think I am so happy because Alex is being sane, well too bad, not today.

I met someone :) His name is, hm..what is a good name for him... Kyle, okay that name fits..:)

I was just surfing the net when an add came up for a "Meet Teens" thing called Espin well I usually don't sign up for those things, but for some reason I joined lol

Oh my gosh I am glad I did, what you do is fill out a profile of likes and dislikes, fave bands and movies and all that good stuff that takes up time ;)

And after thats done you spin the bottle, and it chooses a match, Mine landed on Kyle R. And I am glad it did,

We got chatting and it turns out we have almost everything in common, so then I added him on facebook, We have been talking for the past couple hours, the only thing I gotta say is.... Its too bad that we live so far apart....Oh did I mention he lives in New York...Yeah that totally sucks...

But he is so smart and funny and super sweet! So for now I am smiling, Kyle R has made my day, and my week! haha

Okay I am going to go, errands...BLEH!

I will write more later,

Hell At Home, Meet "The Warden"

Its monday,

I am sitting at home with nothing to do...So you guessed it.. Im babysitting.

I babysit alot I am like the "family babysitter" because everyone knows that since im not going to college until spring, that instantly means I can stay home every night watching siblings that could very well look after themselves, blame it on my mom or... as I call her, "The Warden"

You might be thinking that i'm being harsh, but you have no idea. Try meeting a person that treats you like a child even though your birth year of 91' clearly states that your an adult...

I have always been the one to depend on in the family, i've been babysitting since I can remember..

The thing that I most hate is being made felt like less of a person for not wanting to spend every day with my family. I tell The Warden that i'm going to the movies with a friend and she starts crying telling me that she wishes that I spent more time with the family... But isnt spending every waking moment with my niece and nephews and siblings enough? I wake up, and have to babysit. I get maybe 4 hours of a break and then what do you know, The Warden and my sister have to work...

Sorry for that rant..but i'm sick and tired of sitting at home rotting, I tired of cleaning random things in the house because I have nothing else to do... The real reason I don't like that I have nothing to do is... It leaves more time to think.. More time to wonder where I am going in life, wonder where I will end up when it comes to an end..

Will I be a rich writer like I have always wanted to be? A teacher? A stripper ;) ? I dont know what I want to be yet... is that bad for being 18? I just..dont know where to start?

Ugh I have gone off on another subject, back to The Warden,

Listen, you may think I am some heartless person that only cares about himself..but thats not me! I care about my family, I care about people that mean something to me.. But being around HER makes me insane!!! When we do get in arguments about my future choices for the upcoming year, she gets upset..then an hour later she acts like she never heard my side of the conversation, assuming things that wont ever happen..

I am just annoyed that my sister is old enough to watch my brother so I can get out of the house, but of course the Warden doesn't think that. But on the nights that I dont babysit, I think to myself, "Im free!!" I get calls and text from the warden every ten minutes asking what i'm doing, who i'm with.. So even when I'm out of the house, I can really never escape the constant questions..

My only outlets our a few close friends and this website, I am starting to like it here.... I can just pour out what's on my mind and not have to worry about it, I only wish I could spread it around the net. I am not asking for pity, I just want people to know that...im trying to be real with the world even though I have to lie to the ones closest to me everyday... It really sucks to have to make up excuses about why I don't date, I dont like lying but its the only option...at least for right now..

Thanks for listening, I am sure I will make another post "All about Alex" very soon.. There are things I just wanna ramble about him..both good and bad

But thats what my blog is about, The Good, The Bad & the Gay ;)

-Joshua

Bored and Lonely. Caution: Dont Mix!!

Well here I am, typing again on a blog that no one will ever see, I guess this is just a free expression of thoughts and idea's I just hope my family never stumbles onto this blog....But some part of me wants them to, what would they do? Ask me about it? Confront me about it? My family has a way of making people who are different seem...I dont know.. Bad maybe..

But what's so bad about wanting and feeling something that isnt "Normal".. to THEIR standards anyway..

I just watched movies tonight with my friends,

Its sooo good getting out of the house... Many people find their homes a place where they can be themselves, let their guard down... Its too bad that I have to lock my phone, computer and ipod, wishing and hoping that when I do leave them lying around that someone wont go through them...Which has happened before.. believe it or not..

Once again I don't know why I am writing this... Its so pointless to write and write and really have nothing to say...or to be like me and whine and whine...

Does it make me paranoid to wonder if my mom or siblings have gone in my room and looked at my journal...? But then again my family is very nosy.. But..did you know that when all of these gay thoughts started to surface...I had NO ONE to talk to about them. Always raised to think it was wrong, I didn't even write about it in my journal, I look back now on the things I did write...I just sounded...like it was all a mask that every word I wrote was a charade hiding the fact that I was hurting...but the story of my hellish sophmore year is best kept for another night of nothing to do...pouring my heart and soul out across the keys, carefully choosing the words to express what i'm feeling...

Church tomorrow...I love God... But I find it unbearable sometimes to sit through a class that is talking about homosexuality, saying how dirty, wrong and gross it is...when I am there, both loving and hating the fact...

I often look around my sunday school class, (I did the same thing in school) I looked at all the other guys I knew, and the ones I didn't. I wondered if they were thinking the same thing as me, "Am I the only church-raised boy in this room that if feeling this way, so lost and confused. But loving the fact that I want a man and not a woman" There are some people in my class that I could see myself with, so kind, and funny. I even fell for someone in my church, but that is another story for later...I think I have gone on too much,

Hope im not boring you, but it is your choice after all to be here reading this depressing garbage...

I think im heading to bed now, I haven't been able to sleep much....Nightmares...ugh

Thanks for reading,

-Joshua

Empty

I had to turn to blogging...since no one will listen...Maybe someone will read and comment..

I dont care about anything anymore...why try...

My dad died 3 months ago... and since then I have been the shoulder to lean on... I know its what I should do, I should take his place and be the comfort in the family..but I just cant handle it sometimes..

Ive never been one to complain..thats just not me.. Believe me when I say that blogging about how bad I am feeling...kills me inside..

Not that blogging is bad..but I wouldnt want to dump all my burdens on someone reading...if they even did...

Anyway, lets get introductions out of the way, my name is Joshua, I am 18 years old and a closet gay..

I wish I could tell my mom, or my family...but it just isnt that easy..

I have been seeing this guy for the last couple months...lets name him "Alex"

Well Alex likes to kiss but when I want to talk about it he gets all... deffensive saying that he isnt gay and its all in my head. He has this girl he likes named... "Victoria" he could talk about her for hours but then he gets in his moods and we kiss and hold eachother..and for that moment I truly believe that he likes me back...but then his mood just flips...Is it something I do? Does he just pity me?

Ive thought about death often, no one knows this but as I looked down at my dad in the casket I wished to trade places with him...Not a week before he died I decided I was going to take my life...I wasnt sure how or when exactly but I was so tired for falling for men that were married or men with gorgeous woman that they have crushes on...

But then I got the news...I was sitting at my computer, like I am now...i dont remember what I was doing...but then the phone rang...I didnt believe it at first....I was so angry at him for leaving us...For leaving all the family responsibilities on me...

I looked at him in that casket and grabbed his cold hand, we all got our alone time and I cried over him....Saying sorry for all the times I didn't listen, all the back talk. I knelt down and said, "I know..you wouldnt approve..but...Im gay dad" and I just sat and cried...thinking about how I never had the courage to do it when he could scold me, when I could see the light fade from his eyes... he and my mother have expressed their strong opionions about how wrong homosexuality is...and maybe if I would have paid attention in church I would be different, but truthfully, I dont regret being gay, not in the least...I regret not being brave enough to be honest with my parents..

I am expected to do so much. but how can I when I am losing the battle with myself..

I am tired of people telling me how to live my life, I might not be doing a good job, but I dont care...Its my life...my choice...

I often go on walks...I watch the cars speed by on the busy streets...thinking how easy it would be to just dodge in front of a car going 65, wishing I could...

But I think of my siblings and nieces and nephews, they lost their grandpa, not their uncle too...I wouldnt want to cause anyone hurt...

I will keep walking though, staying far from those cars...I need to survive this...

Thank you for listening...

it meant alot to spill my guts out, I hope you haven't been offended by anything ive said..

let me know if im too whiney...give me some feedback...please..