Life = Boring

Its been so long since my last post!! I have been going insaaaane not being able to post!


not much to tell though, Still living at home.. Still under the watch of The Warden.. Who thinks a small hole in the wall is an outrageous trade to being able to have internet. UGH!

Lets see updates..


I'm still single. ha. But I am sorta getting to the point where I am okay with it, That even though i'm lonely I know i'll find my guy one day....Soon? meh i dont know! Ha i am just trying to trick myself into being happy with the life I have right now :)

Its crazy to know that so many of my friends are either out of this Hell Hole or getting out, People are migrating to Salt Lake and the Logan Area and im super jealos! Despite working a semi-horrible job, I have almost no savings... Do to random acts of shopping because i'm either depressed or I have nothing else to do... i swear the week my car when out of business was the week I saved teh most money, I found scraps of food around the house, tried to walk to my friends house..Thats why my plan is to live in the college apartments and get a bike.. Hm what do you think? That would help me lose weight...which is harder then I realized... BLEH!

Gosh I hate blogging at the library, screaming kids and random people looking over at me... Oh and not to mention homely library ladies... I swear..she is talking so loud...isnt this a library... arent there rules here.. lol

Wow sorry i'm just babbling because I feel like the first time in a month i'm expressing how I really feel, Its an "Emotional Hemliech" ha.. from Pushing Daisies.. seriously look up that show, In fact I might just talk about it right now Spoilers Alert!!!

Oh... nevermind on that.. I'll save that for another blog.. I have to go get measured for my tux..

My sister is getting married..Yay! Me and her father and law are both walking her down the isle... thats what she wanted...I just cant wait to be part of a wedding..because one day.. it will be me getting married.!! AH! cant wait!

Whos coming to my wedding raise your hands..!? alright im done.. :)

-Joshua

Eclipse and other ramblings

Hey there,


This post isn't to ramble on and on about how great the movie, "Eclipse" was. Even though i'm pretty sure that if I was asked to talk about it.. I would for hours on end. It was pretty amazing...


My focus tonight (as i often get off track in my blogs) is to focus basically on Love.



Oh stop rolling your eyes I know I mention it whenever possible, I am just wondering if I should give up on it for a while. I look around me and I just feel like there is someone for everyone. True I have single friends but I can perfectly picture each one of them settling down and getting married, having a family. The looking glass is kinda blurry when I try to look ahead for myself...

I know i'm young. I'm 19 years old.. But i'm lonely.... I'M LONELY

It doesn't matter how many parties I have with my friends, or movie night, ice-cream runs or late nighters... in the end i'm still alone... Mr. Right doesn't exsist. I am starting to figure that out, I know that no one is perfect, and I don't expect them to be.. but for once I'd like to meet a guy that fits with me... Not too crazy, perfect amount of charm and wit, not a player, someone to always make me feel special and to never have any doubt in my mind...

I've had dreams lately (yes its cheesy) of my own wedding,

I'm standing at the end of the isle, I am looking around at all the people, my family included, all of them grown and matured.. I haven't ever seen my mother at my wedding, I look around but I don't see shes there, but just then I look up and he is there, this man that I'm just meeting for the first time.. But I know him.. He smiles at me as he walks down the isle.. He reaches me and he takes my hand... I look at him and I just.. Know that all the loneliness, that all the heartache, all the stupid boys that broke my heart don't matter anymore because this MAN in front of me.. promising to love me forever,

I never make it to the kiss though, I wake up for a sudden urge to get a drink or my alarm goes off.. each time I see it differently, One time I am sitting in the audience watching, sometimes I am the man walking down the isle walking towards a Man i've never met until then.

I wake up each time before I can study his face, to know who i'm looking for.

The dream is always unexpected, but just as powerful as the last time I have it.

I want to get married some day... But I'm just no good at dating! Which is kinda the basic step towards the long road to marriage. I mean the guys i've been with haven't been shining examples of normal, I think i've only been on 2 actual dates...

Another thing is, My Gay-Dar SUCKS.... I am not sure why.. But I can't pick up if someone is Gay or not, some guys are just incredibly attractive and for a moment I am sure that I saw a flicker of something in them, something deep down... But I'd never have the courage to just....Ask him out! What about the answer... He'd either say , ".. I have a girlfriend...Faggot.."
"Uhh......No thanks man..."
Ya know? I mean how do I practice my Gaydar?

A perfect example is the UPS man at work (yes I know I have a lot of crushes, but you have to have little back up plans in case the guy you like has a girlfriend or wife or whatever)

I can honestly say that I am a crazy crush on the UPS Man, so what do I do about that? Strike up conversation.. I've tried...

Do I ask him out? Do I flirt it up.. or play it straight? Do I ask him to hang out, or go to dinner... its all just confusing and complicated.. Because he'd either freak out because hes married... or turn me down because i'm not "The average Gay Guy"
I don't wear tight pants, I don't know alot about fashion.. I'm not perfect and skinny and flawless..

I'm a messy, overweight, acne-ridden Guy who doesn't really fit in with the Beautiful Gays...

And trust me.. when i'm around some of my Gay friends (which i wish i had more normal ones) They treat me like i'm some misifit.. even amongest them (not that being Gay makes me a misfit.. but I sometimes feel lonely being the only sane one.. lol

So what if I don't know a certain Madonna song, So what if I dont worship her!
So what if I have no idea who designed your shoes, or bag or jacket...

I am just a normal guy who happens to Love Men. Isn't there any guy like me out there? I'd like to think so.. Someone out there right now, writing in his journal..or blogging about how much he needs a normal guy in his life...

Is he the UPS Man?
The cute life guard from the pool?
The random guy at the grocery store that held eye contact for longer then he should have

Where do I begin? How do I begin on just trying to have fun with life and not worrying about it...

I hope my dream guy is out there someday, he has to be right? There has to be someone out there for everyone....right?

All I know is that seeing him walking down that isle when I have that dream gives me a tiny flicker of hope.. that one day it will be real... and i'll be so dumbfounded as he's walking down to me, (or me to him) I know its a long way off.. but I'd like to think that it WILL happen one day..

I dont mean to be so up and down all the time, this is just coming from the top of my head and I am really just thinking through text...

I don't know what time I work tomorrow, so I should probably call it a night..

Night everyone...

-Joshua

To Know

Can you really base the personality of a person by hearing it from other people ?

How many facts actually trickle down the line that are true.


The Guy I met.. the one I considered to start liking has turned out (through facts of other people) to be nothing more then a player.. It doesn't matter anyway, it was just a small crush, I just feel so alone these days...

The friends I hang out with view hooking up as just another thing, that sex is only as great as the next hook up... I just .. dont know anymore.. Its hard to be the only one that feels bad after a hook up, I've said this before but I think i'll just have to be less sensitive. I wont be slut or anything.. I.. I dont know i'm just rambling here..


"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, I could really use a wish right now.."

I wish for enough money to go to college somewhere far away,

I wish for a normal guy to like me,

I wish I could find a place to move out..

I wish I had a body that guys would go crazy for...

Thats the only thing about wishing.. I can just stand in one place forever and wishing would get me no where..

If only life was that easy, that Fairytale Fantasy.. Where I could just look up at the stars, pick the brightest one and just close my eyes and wish, open my eyes to find that all my dreams were coming true..

Cinderella had it so easy, sure she had a horrible step- mother, but instead of standing still she went to the ball and eventually won Prince Charming,

Snow White just had to be stupid enough to take an apple from a creepy old woman, her Prince came right to her,

I could go down the line talking about the different stories but I think you get the point. That the real world is hard, there are no easy choices like whether to go to a ball or to take a shiny apple. We deal with deaths, changes, ups and downs, storms, disappointments, sadness..

I feel so weighed down by it these days, I look and I see my friends all happy, moved out and on their own. Having parties where they dont remember to call me, what fun would I be anyway? Go and sit and watch people drink, knowing that i'll have to be home in a couple of hours.. I feel like my blog as come in a full circle, it started sad,I was depressed and felt worthless.. it got happier... but not much.. and here I am typing again... I was even going to type a Fathers Day blog, but I figure I mention him one time in all the posts, I realize that my life is not interesting.. I just stand in one place, the only thing that changes is the backdrop..

I stand at work, behind the counter and take orders from stupid people who dont even know what they want, I get yelled at and chewed out .. teased, bugged, I get home... I stand as my family packs up the house, ready to move.. I dont want to move with them, I watch them go to BBQ's that I dont want to go to, go to the movies, etc. I go to friends houses and I stand, the only one not drinking at the fun parties, I'm always just standing.. Am I just lazy.. Lazy for not starting College when I should have, Lazy to not go chasing after guys... Is it my fault i'm suffering so much? Be honest...

what should I do? I dont have that much savings, .. I dont have much of anything... ..

I watched The Lovely Bones again tonight, it was actually kind of beautiful, I mean yes it had its disturbing moments but over all it was a pretty movie visually.. It made me think of Death, how it would be to still be here.. after you die.. I think i'd like that.. To be able to stay here and watch life go by.. That's what I'm gonna do.. So if I happen to die early in life, I'll be around haha.. I'll go find those T.V. shows that do Ghost Investigations and i'll mess with them! haha..sorry i'm just rambling now, so nothing new..I just like the idea of souls still being here after they've died on Earth.. Anywhoser..

i'm gonna head to bed now... I hurt all over for some reason.. lol I know i'm over dramatic.. but its true...


*sigh*

joshua

Endless Wishing

I have had A LOT on my mind lately,


I see so many of my friends going somewhere in life, some releases Demo's of their music, some already accepted into the finest arts schools in the country....


I work ....at Burger King.... that is a -58 on the point system of things that matter in life..


I have little savings, not enough to move out, not enough to really go to school... I'm just stuck.. .


We move out of our house soon and I can honestly say I DONT WANT TO LIVE AT HOME ANYMORE.

I'm just tired of it all,

I met someone a couple days ago, honestly... the most perfect guy i've ever met... He is friends of a friend, which makes it sound bad instantly. We just got talking and I found out we have tons in common, He is an Artist/Singer/Actor.. His Art is like nothing i've ever seen.. Its breathtaking, the way he describes photography is just beautiful

"... I think that's often what makes a good photographer, someone who knows how to find the moments in life, moment for moment, and who can capture and share them with the world. It's all about showing the world what YOU see. "

The one guy I can actually see myself with, a guy that I can tell isn't crazy... Is taken. Oh not to mention moving to New York to become a "Famous Artist" Its strange to think that people already know exactly what they want, and they put pieces of themselves into the world to be discovered, cherished, and sold..

I wish that I could just write a story or paint a picture that will change the world, my stories aren't any good, most are unfinished because i've lost the drive for it...

How come I am the only one that is just... Here.. I'm not taking any classes, I dont have a fancy, high paying career, I don't own an amazing house with a view.. Im just here, frozen.. stuck and hating it...

Sometimes when I get to thinking too much, I realize how behind in life I already am.. and sometimes.. very rare times a black cloud fogs up my head....I can picture the note i'd leave for my family, something clever, something to express how empty and how lonely I feel... I can picture the way the wind feels as it screams by me, i'm in my car.. somewhere high up, I can feel the car lurching towards the side, the instant lift off, the weight of the front of the car pulling down, plunging... I can see the ground catching up to the underside of the car, and in a moment of weightlessness, I feel....Regret...

I hope none of you think i'm morbid or insane... But the last part really makes me not want to kill myself.. I can actually picture what it would be like to lose everything in a second, to regret the decision as soon as i've left the cliff, or whatever...

I know I just have to cheer up, but when everything in the world is screaming for you to jump....how can you just.. not pay attention and stay frozen... like I am ...


If I wished on a star, for now it would be "For him to like me back" ha.. which is probably a mistake because I tend to fall for the crazies.... Also he has a link to one of my past flings, and I am not sure I like that.. I know everyone has a past.. it makes us who we are.. but why did he have to get with HIM!? haha....

Oh, I don't know if i've already mentioned this.. but I saw Valentines Day for the first time yesterday, it was the cutest movie, the ending...with one of the couple was....AMAZING!!! AH! haha so thats your homework assignment for this blog, Go and watch Valentines Day!

...Oh..and another regret I have.. Making this blog anonymous.. I see my friends with their blogs.. and they are brilliant and they truly express who they are... I like that.. I don't like talking about things as if its another person i'm talking about... ya know? Sorry to much babble...

Oh great.. I mentioned my crush in a blog, that never works out well... 1. Now he cant have the link to the blog 2. I jinxed the relationship before it began..


For now.. i'm off to bed....

-Joshua

Losing Yourself

I've been really DOWN lately,


Ha, but when am I even NOT Down?



I went to my first official party last night,


The only reason I talked myself into going was taking a chance on meeting someone NEW.

My bud Frankie wanted me to meet one of his guy friends who was single, so I thought "Hey, I dont usually do this..." So I went to the party.

I could tell right away that the guy he wanted me to meet wasn't my type, but I guess thats why I am single now... and have had short relationships in the past..

Picky picky picky..

I only knew ONE person at the party, it was Frankie. I was driving so I didn't drink anything they had, which was a lot, flavors and mixes I hadn't even heard of, part of me just wanted to join.. to tip the glasses back and just.. LOSE MYSELF..

...forget about work

forget about being single....

forget about Home....

I've never been SUPER DRUNK, i've only had a couple shots here and there with other friends...

But seeing the people at the party drinking, tossing back the pretty liquid, getting tipsy,... It made me just want to join,

How much does it take to lose yourself? I'm not just talking about Fruity Drinks or "Legal Weed" smoked from apples,

How much does it take to lose yourself, who you are, the walls you build every day to keep out the flooding of the world...The walls that keep out what can harm us,
What about the walls that keep things in, the hurtful things, the things that go on in our mind.

What does it take to let down the walls?

Money?

Fame?

Drinks?

Drugs?

A wink or a smile in your direction?

A flirty text?

I saw several people just fade , they turned from shy and quiet to loud and flirty.. with EVERYONE. How many of them will remember how many drink's they had the night before, who they talked to?

I haven't hit my party days...But I know for a fact that I never want to be so far gone that I cant control what's going on or what i'm doing... Control is so easily lost once your mind has slipped..

I'm sorry I just have so much on my mind..


I'm tired of living at home. Things with the Warden have gotten a little better, but its only because I am never around anymore. I get home from work and she asks if I want to go see a movie with the family, I tell her I have plans (when most of the time I dont) She asks if I want to go see the new house, I say I have plans, because I dont want to see the new house because I DONT WANT TO LIVE WITH HER ANYMORE!

I don't at all feel scared by what she'll do if I get home later then she says, but I just cant take the fighting anymore, the vileness of what she says to me, its not worth being HAPPY for a few more hours of being out of the house,

I will admit that I was glad to be going home from that party because it wasnt fun to watch people have a good time..and have them all remind me that I wasn't drinking,

When it came time to leave I was hoping Frankie would come with me so I didn't look like the only lame one leaving the party, He ended up saying the line that I don't blame him for..

"Oh.. your leaving now.. Okay I can go with you if you want... ..But I mean.. i'm fine here.. But.. I mean I can go with you if... ya know if you want"

I just smiled and let him off easy, trying to to look as crappy as I felt.. I told him to stay and have fun, and he took the bait and went back to the party, I don't expect other people to sacrifice their good times, I just wish I could have been one of those people having a good time,

I just need to get out of my house, move out, I just want to go to a party and have a good time, maybe have a few drink and just dance and have fun..

I just feel so lost right now, like.. Stuck..
I know I said in my last post that i'd try to be more positive, but its hard when everyday things remind me that i'm Lost.

The one person I want and need advice from is busy, Not that I blame her...I know everyone has bigger problems them me, ones that are actually important...Not to make her mad at me or anything but she seems kinda lost too...

I'm sorry about this post, it was just a bunch of my thoughts on a lot of things..


I don't know how much longer I can take this....

Goodnight.....

What I Want...

Hey there.



Quick and boring updates before I begin a long droning blog post,

I am not moving out of my house into freedom,

Turns out the Wardens house isn't selling, so shes not moving a town away with the kids.

So i'm still stuck at home....


*sigh*




Alright so my post tonight is really just thinking about Love. I know , I know! I talk about it often, I whine CONSTANTLY about how much I want to find the right guy, BLAH BLAH BLAH!

Well tonight is different.. Well. Kinda.

I watched the movie that i've been wanting to see for a while. The title sounds a bit much, but if you can't handle it by now then I have no idea while your still reading this blog, you do know its by a Half Insane Gay man right? Okay just making sure!


The movie's title is "The Big Gay Musical!" and dont you worry, it was as cheesy as it sounds, it was about two guys trying to find a healthy relationship in the Gay community, They are also in an Off-Broadway play titled, "Adam and Steve:The way God Made 'em" (haha) Anyway, in the movie their friends are these big "Manwhores" that just want to sleep with everyone they meet (which reminds me a few people i know...) NOT ME! You thought I was talking about me werent you!? Well I wasnt! I was talking about someone else! I dont wanna do EVERYONE i meet! Okay sorry anyway..


It just made me realize that I dont want to be the Gay guy that goes to a party gets 110 percent alcohol in my system and just leave with a random stranger every night and "Hook up"

I want the real thing, I want to meet someone REAL and Date and have fun! I don't want to work backwards anymore.....
I'm going to try to change my attitude about being single, because I am tired of just hooking up for the fun of it...

I may sound like an idiot but i'm just done with fakeness, I want have someone there and know they'll be there, right next to me in the morning... ya know?

Every guy i've been with up to this point has been a very backwards version of how its supposed to work, I'm trying to be better, I'm trying to be a good person...


Okay i'm sorry, this was a random post, but that movie just got me thinking about how sad the "Sex every night with a random guy" Plan just.. leaves you empty at the end of the day, I hope I haven't given anyone the idea that i'm that type of a guy, because i'm not. I've made my mistakes, But I know what I want... I know that I want a Husband, a house in Ireland, and maybe...Even a couple kids..........................................................................................................Or dogs... I'm up for anything :)

Well goodnight,

I may be living in Hell, but I am looking forward to getting out soon!

-Joshua

Moving Out

Wow.

I haven't posted in a while.... I guess I just haven't had anything to talk about.


My job is lame. They've been cutting more and more hours, so that means i'll probably have to go get another job...


I move out next week to my cousin E's house.


I just dont want to be in the way, I don't want to just be some person that interfering with their lives.

I don't have much savings, I am saving all that I can and its not much..

I have to go get my car re-registered, but I need to find insurance first.


My mom is being very unhelpful in that department, I've never heard of half the questions and terms they ask.. its all too much to handle, so I dont even know if I am looking in the right places for stupid insurance...

I've packed up my room. It's almost scary to look around my room, at the empty walls and the 4 boxes... Those 4 boxes..

How cant 19 Years of life fit into 4 Boxes... its crazy!

My room echoes now, No posters, no funny quotes or comments... just blank....

I'm sad to be leaving. But I know its for the best..

Even though "The Plan" requires me to move back in with my stupid mother,

Live at E's for 2-3 weeks,

Move back in with the Warden until I can move out with my friends.. I hope I can save up enough by then,

I dont know when I'm going to start applying for grants and stuff for school.. Another thing that no one will really help me with, I mean sure then tell me to go to this building and get this form and turn it here but.. I've never done this before.. I have no clue how to do ANYTHING...I feel so stupid !

All i know is that I need to apply soon so I can have money to get a laptop, the one my sister gave me almost 2 years ago doesnt work anymore... My head hurts..


I'm just tired of not knowing....

I know moving to E's will make me a bit more sane, but I just already hate the fact that i'll have to move back into insanity in 2-3 weeks.. But I guess I shouldn't look at it like that.. I'll look at it like its a 2 week vacation from my family... from the loud, obnoxious people that torture me..

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a strange note...

Its been a Year since my Dad died. I was going to write a blog yesterday but I was too tired.. lol, But a Year ago yesterday I woke up at 11 and got a phone call from a sobbing Mother that my Dad had died.

I can still see that moment in my head, hear her voice as she said "Hes dead Nick...Dad..." and I said, "Your Dad? Grandpa? Oh i'm sorry..." and she said... and I can just hear it.. why wont it leave.... "No Nick.. Your Dad..." I just remember getting down on the floor and hanging up the phone and just holding my head.. I was suddenly the most dizzy i've ever been.. and I just screamed... "Its not true... WAKE UP ITS NOT TRUE" Ha.. sorry if i'm getting too personal with everything, but The Day replays in my head.. over and over.....

The day fading together.. picking up Aubrey... watching her face.. just.... Oh her face as she walked into the office..."Aubrey.. sit down, somethings happened"

Fast forward in my mind... to something that I hope to never see again... I wish I could just take it out of my head... You dont know how.. much it haunts me... Going down to my little brothers elementary school..... Calling him in.. seeing him walking down the hall.. smiling... 9 Years old and no clue what was about to happen.... Safe in his world.... Where he woke up to Dad leaving for work, going to school, learning, playing with other kids, coming home from school and waiting for Dad to get home to play in the yard or go hiking...

"Sit down Zac, we need to talk to you." He looked at me... Oh God.. ..His eyes.. looking from me to my sisters back to his principal... He just nodded... Why Did God want to see the light fade from my brothers eyes? TO see the life RIPPED OUT From underneath us? I am not sounding dramatic but I saw the future sucked right out of Zac, No more Dad. No more camping trips, no more yard work with Dad, no trips out to the dump when we'd stop and get some burgers, just the Guys. Oh it hurts...it hurts to look at him and wonder if he is going to be okay..

One Year Ago from Yesterday was the worst Day.. A Day that should have been like any other day... Where Dad would go to work and come home. Why take him when he was only 45 ? That is nothing in the scheme of things...

I'm sorry for being dramatic.... Just getting in my blogging...........

I can feel that my family is doing better about him being gone, I only cry when I blog about him and I really look back and wonder why we had such a short time with him


I'm done blogging for now.. Probably for a while, after next Tuesday I wont have a computer.....

So I guess this is goodbye for now.....

thank you for anyone out there still reading...

-joshua

What Am I Going To Do?!

I feel so hollow right now.. like.. I'm going to just... vanish in thin air at least that would solve something


WHAT SHOULD I DO..

The Warden has given me till June 1st to be out then BOOM

The house gets an offer and we all have to get out in a month... Then my Mom tells me we are moving to Hurricane until our house is finished. Far from Friends.

Work.

LIFE.

The alternative is living with my mousy sister ! HELL NO

THen my Mom pitches the idea of living with her 2 months longer past the Kick Out day.. oh thats nice of her!
Except that I will have to watch my siblings. NO PAY.

Never break curfew and live by her rules.. Shall we review them?

No bringing guys home,

No talking about Guys,

No hanging out past Midnight..

NO FUN NO LIFE WHHHYYY


I am seriously done with all this Drama SHIT


I am a loser for getting a job so late.

I'm a loser for not having any BACK UP money...

I am a loser for...just....everything.. Why do I even try anymore.. I'm done.


I feel so empty.. But I guess i'm just some whiney loser that doesn't deserve to be happy.

soooooooo empty.. I can feel it... I can actually feel it... I'm no one.. Nothing..


..........................


what am i going to do...

....I cant.....I just cant do this anymore...


.....