I feel so hollow right now.. like.. I'm going to just... vanish in thin air at least that would solve something
WHAT SHOULD I DO..
The Warden has given me till June 1st to be out then BOOM
The house gets an offer and we all have to get out in a month... Then my Mom tells me we are moving to Hurricane until our house is finished. Far from Friends.
Work.
LIFE.
The alternative is living with my mousy sister ! HELL NO
THen my Mom pitches the idea of living with her 2 months longer past the Kick Out day.. oh thats nice of her!
Except that I will have to watch my siblings. NO PAY.
Never break curfew and live by her rules.. Shall we review them?
No bringing guys home,
No talking about Guys,
No hanging out past Midnight..
NO FUN NO LIFE WHHHYYY
I am seriously done with all this Drama SHIT
I am a loser for getting a job so late.
I'm a loser for not having any BACK UP money...
I am a loser for...just....everything.. Why do I even try anymore.. I'm done.
I feel so empty.. But I guess i'm just some whiney loser that doesn't deserve to be happy.
soooooooo empty.. I can feel it... I can actually feel it... I'm no one.. Nothing..
..........................
what am i going to do...
....I cant.....I just cant do this anymore...
.....
Monday, April 26, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Ripple Effect
I shouldn't be up!
I am sooo going to regret this in the morning, I have to work at 8:30... So if i'm late for work.. I blame my mind!
I have just been thinking a lot, about how we effect people. How each and everything we do... no matter if we know it or not... effects other people.
I wonder how many people i've effected for the bad.. I know I try and tell myself that I wouldn't, that I would do anyting I could to never hurt someone else.. But have I? I have no idea!
Am I the only one that really thinks about this at the end of the day? OF all the stuff I think about? Is it normal for so many topics, and so many hurtful cuts to go through a persons mind before bed..?
I've met someone. His name is Zach. He is 17. Still in high school.
We've kissed. We've hung out. He is a really great guy. But at the end of the day I panic, I don't ever want to ruin his chances of finding his High School Guy, like I never could. He is confident, and very charming.
I have actually stood up to him, I've told him that I won't rush things more then we already have. Because he is young. He has time to experience everything.. He just gets so angry with me. I feel like this stupid, horrible person because I just want him to find someone SANE. As much as i'd like to think myself sane. I know it isnt true. I mean look at me.. I sit and I type my feelings to a souless computer screen, I hope and I SCREAM through the text for someone to understand me... My life (on the outside) does not seem difficult. I wake up every day, in a air-conditioned, 2-story house. I get up and complain about going to work when I know that someone is out there needing a job. I drive my car to work when someone has to take a bike or a bus. I come home from work tired... BUT FROM WHAT? Standing at a register!? How pathetic am i!?
Take a look at the people i've been with. Alex. He lives life as if he never met me, and I'm happy about that.. but look how much he has changed me.. I panic at the thought of relationships because I secretly think back to how much I wanted him, and how much he DIDNT. WANT. ME. I sat up at night and blogged about him, and before i blogged about him I cried about him not wanting me...
Then someone comes along (fast forward to Cody) or whatever the hell I named him in this blog... He came along and I thought I was happy, but when it came down to him wanting me, I found that I really didnt want him.. That yes.. We had things in common but at the end of the day, we were too different, thats how it always is...
WE ARE TOO DIFFERENT. So many similarities but SOOO many differences..... I always mope around and cry about someone wanting me.. but when they come along, I find the bad in them. I find the evil little atribute, a little flaw and I panic. Where will this go? How long will we be together? How... when... what....
I always complain about it being their fault that the relationship wont work.. But I know its mine. I know that i'm broken.. And i guess I try to make them see that... Because I am Broken. I am missing some peices... I'm sure it. Why the hell cant I just be happy when someone comes along that wants me..
I've pushed Zach away, he is always calling.. Wanting to hang out, and just snuggle, but why do that when I know that eventually he will get bored of the way I always push away, I love kissing. I love Being with another person. But when it comes down to it. I feel like... "if the relationship doesnt last...why try"
Maybe.. once I get a place of my own... a place that doesnt drive me insane.. A place where my siblings dont drive me crazy or a mother who picks and prods and tears at me until I feel like I'd rather die then be her son. Maybe then.. I can let someone in my life and actually let them in. That I can be honest with them and they wont hate me.. I keep passing up all these chances with guys.. should I let them be passing? Should I have broken up with Karson because he was strange and liked weird things? Should I have cut off all relations to Alex?, To Jude? Or Cody? Did I not try hard enough.. ? Pretty soon the chances will stop. Pretty soon I will get to the end of a list and there will be a blank page of nothingness, what will I do then?
Alex has a new... whatever the hell he calls it.. Boyfriend, Fuckbuddy, friend...
Jude has a boyfriend, they've been going out for months..
Karson is moving to Murray to be with someone he met.
Cody has a boyfriend that he met shortly after we broke up.
Everyone is taking their chances as they come.. and i've pushed mine away.. I don't regret cutting the strands of those relationships.. because its showed them that they all didn't really want a guy like me.. they wanted a guy who they met. I'm just the "Lesson teacher"
Alex found someone more tolerante of his "Confused Sexuality"
Jude found someone not as needy.
Karson found the insane romantic.
Cody found the guys who "Actually tried"
What can I do to be a better person? Am I doomed to be the one who dates, kisses, breaks up then watches them find the right guy?
-----------------------------------------------------------
Oh shitt.. Here comes "Father Talk" I wanted to just mention that its been almost a year now that he has been gone.. The ripple of that loss is still effecting us.
My sister came down crying about how much she missed him..
I just realized so many things... No Father there when her Date for her first dance comes.. Zac won't ever get to go on Father and Sons... Or go out scouting trips with my Dad that I hated..
He cries sometimes too..saying how he misses my Dad reading him every night.. And it breaks my heart.. Why did I get to have all those memories with him... Why did I get that time..and he didnt? My siblings annoy the hell outta me, but I still would want them to grow up with their Dad being there. Little talks, Projects arounds the house , that I hated doing, Helping him hold the ladder for Christmas lights, Taking trips to the dump to dump weeds and garbage from the backyard and then randomly stopping at a burger for fries and a drink just us guys.. Him randomly and awkwardly asking me about girls I liked, Or about Sex (which was pretty much a forbidden topic) He would get so embarresed even bringign it up.. the few times he did...
I look at my little brother and I just... fight back tears thinking how it must be for him.. I mean its hard for ME! I am crying right now I mean I am almost 19 years old... How must it be for a 10 year old to lose his Dad... It isnt fair. I say it often. I think it often about EVERYTHING.. Its not Fair that hes gone, Its not Fair that I suck at reltionships.. Its not Fair that I have to deal with a rude Mom.
When will it ever start being fair... ?
Broken Hearts never heal.. I'm sure it.
People say that Love can mend a broken heart.. Its been a year. When does it ever FEEL healed? No matter how many years go by. Hes still gone. What is supposed heal about that?
I'm done pouring out my soul for the night..
If anyone is still reading.... Thank you.
And if your not.... Ah well... It isn't worth the time wasted to read thoughts of another person.. Actually I disagree with that.. I love hearing thoughts of other people but i'm sure MY thoughts... are better kept inside my head...I guess I just feel like if they are on here... that I can stop thinking about them for a while..
night.
-joshua
I am sooo going to regret this in the morning, I have to work at 8:30... So if i'm late for work.. I blame my mind!
I have just been thinking a lot, about how we effect people. How each and everything we do... no matter if we know it or not... effects other people.
I wonder how many people i've effected for the bad.. I know I try and tell myself that I wouldn't, that I would do anyting I could to never hurt someone else.. But have I? I have no idea!
Am I the only one that really thinks about this at the end of the day? OF all the stuff I think about? Is it normal for so many topics, and so many hurtful cuts to go through a persons mind before bed..?
I've met someone. His name is Zach. He is 17. Still in high school.
We've kissed. We've hung out. He is a really great guy. But at the end of the day I panic, I don't ever want to ruin his chances of finding his High School Guy, like I never could. He is confident, and very charming.
I have actually stood up to him, I've told him that I won't rush things more then we already have. Because he is young. He has time to experience everything.. He just gets so angry with me. I feel like this stupid, horrible person because I just want him to find someone SANE. As much as i'd like to think myself sane. I know it isnt true. I mean look at me.. I sit and I type my feelings to a souless computer screen, I hope and I SCREAM through the text for someone to understand me... My life (on the outside) does not seem difficult. I wake up every day, in a air-conditioned, 2-story house. I get up and complain about going to work when I know that someone is out there needing a job. I drive my car to work when someone has to take a bike or a bus. I come home from work tired... BUT FROM WHAT? Standing at a register!? How pathetic am i!?
Take a look at the people i've been with. Alex. He lives life as if he never met me, and I'm happy about that.. but look how much he has changed me.. I panic at the thought of relationships because I secretly think back to how much I wanted him, and how much he DIDNT. WANT. ME. I sat up at night and blogged about him, and before i blogged about him I cried about him not wanting me...
Then someone comes along (fast forward to Cody) or whatever the hell I named him in this blog... He came along and I thought I was happy, but when it came down to him wanting me, I found that I really didnt want him.. That yes.. We had things in common but at the end of the day, we were too different, thats how it always is...
WE ARE TOO DIFFERENT. So many similarities but SOOO many differences..... I always mope around and cry about someone wanting me.. but when they come along, I find the bad in them. I find the evil little atribute, a little flaw and I panic. Where will this go? How long will we be together? How... when... what....
I always complain about it being their fault that the relationship wont work.. But I know its mine. I know that i'm broken.. And i guess I try to make them see that... Because I am Broken. I am missing some peices... I'm sure it. Why the hell cant I just be happy when someone comes along that wants me..
I've pushed Zach away, he is always calling.. Wanting to hang out, and just snuggle, but why do that when I know that eventually he will get bored of the way I always push away, I love kissing. I love Being with another person. But when it comes down to it. I feel like... "if the relationship doesnt last...why try"
Maybe.. once I get a place of my own... a place that doesnt drive me insane.. A place where my siblings dont drive me crazy or a mother who picks and prods and tears at me until I feel like I'd rather die then be her son. Maybe then.. I can let someone in my life and actually let them in. That I can be honest with them and they wont hate me.. I keep passing up all these chances with guys.. should I let them be passing? Should I have broken up with Karson because he was strange and liked weird things? Should I have cut off all relations to Alex?, To Jude? Or Cody? Did I not try hard enough.. ? Pretty soon the chances will stop. Pretty soon I will get to the end of a list and there will be a blank page of nothingness, what will I do then?
Alex has a new... whatever the hell he calls it.. Boyfriend, Fuckbuddy, friend...
Jude has a boyfriend, they've been going out for months..
Karson is moving to Murray to be with someone he met.
Cody has a boyfriend that he met shortly after we broke up.
Everyone is taking their chances as they come.. and i've pushed mine away.. I don't regret cutting the strands of those relationships.. because its showed them that they all didn't really want a guy like me.. they wanted a guy who they met. I'm just the "Lesson teacher"
Alex found someone more tolerante of his "Confused Sexuality"
Jude found someone not as needy.
Karson found the insane romantic.
Cody found the guys who "Actually tried"
What can I do to be a better person? Am I doomed to be the one who dates, kisses, breaks up then watches them find the right guy?
-----------------------------------------------------------
Oh shitt.. Here comes "Father Talk" I wanted to just mention that its been almost a year now that he has been gone.. The ripple of that loss is still effecting us.
My sister came down crying about how much she missed him..
I just realized so many things... No Father there when her Date for her first dance comes.. Zac won't ever get to go on Father and Sons... Or go out scouting trips with my Dad that I hated..
He cries sometimes too..saying how he misses my Dad reading him every night.. And it breaks my heart.. Why did I get to have all those memories with him... Why did I get that time..and he didnt? My siblings annoy the hell outta me, but I still would want them to grow up with their Dad being there. Little talks, Projects arounds the house , that I hated doing, Helping him hold the ladder for Christmas lights, Taking trips to the dump to dump weeds and garbage from the backyard and then randomly stopping at a burger for fries and a drink just us guys.. Him randomly and awkwardly asking me about girls I liked, Or about Sex (which was pretty much a forbidden topic) He would get so embarresed even bringign it up.. the few times he did...
I look at my little brother and I just... fight back tears thinking how it must be for him.. I mean its hard for ME! I am crying right now I mean I am almost 19 years old... How must it be for a 10 year old to lose his Dad... It isnt fair. I say it often. I think it often about EVERYTHING.. Its not Fair that hes gone, Its not Fair that I suck at reltionships.. Its not Fair that I have to deal with a rude Mom.
When will it ever start being fair... ?
Broken Hearts never heal.. I'm sure it.
People say that Love can mend a broken heart.. Its been a year. When does it ever FEEL healed? No matter how many years go by. Hes still gone. What is supposed heal about that?
I'm done pouring out my soul for the night..
If anyone is still reading.... Thank you.
And if your not.... Ah well... It isn't worth the time wasted to read thoughts of another person.. Actually I disagree with that.. I love hearing thoughts of other people but i'm sure MY thoughts... are better kept inside my head...I guess I just feel like if they are on here... that I can stop thinking about them for a while..
night.
-joshua
Thursday, April 15, 2010
A circle of green
Wow.. Its been a while since i've posted...
Some things I haven't posted anything about.
The Warden is kicking me out June 1st, We got into a fight that I wasn't home to watch the kids (though I put my brother to bed and left for 2 hours)
The timeless argument with her was I had to be home to watch the kids because I didn't have a job and I was lazy.. Blah blah blah
Well I have a job now, Have I posted anything? I dont think so..
I am currently a Team Member of Main Street Burger King! Ugh... Who am I kidding, I have a super lame job! I almost feel like white-trash working there...
No offense to any Burger King Lovers, its just the people that work there, the atmosphere... Is just... kinda.. Scummy .. True there are good people that work there...but there are some that are.. not so good.... Like... "The Convict..." *Shudders*
I try not to judge people, ...But ..ANYWAY
The job is pretty easy, Though I cant understand most of the people who work there.
I am in charge of the Register and making sure the "Dining Room" (which sounds too fancy to be used to describe BURGER BARF) Is clean and spotless,
I was going to write a whole blog post on working but decided that It bores me.. .so i'm going to sum it up.
Its kinda horrible, The manager basically called me fat once, and I made one of the owners mad.. Ha but beside all the bad stuff its just.. alright..
Me and the Warden are barely speaking, I dont care. She chose to be rude.. She chose to have me out of her life once I'm out of this hell.. which will hopefully be soon...
I wanted to get to the real reason that got me to post tonight.. Which is super lame and boring..but I don't care...
Okay well there is an amazing book which I'm sure i've already talked about but its called Unwind, and I made some shirts for the movie for the contest and I sent them in. They are being judged and picked tomorrow,
Then about 2 weeks ago they sent out a survey and they were going to pick the most unique and creative answers for the survey, So I logged on to the blog (which I follow like a hawk looking for anyway possible to be in that movie)
So I filled out the survey and my answer was chosen as one of the 12-13 survey answers, I mean I'm not cool enough to have my name next to it.. But maybe they will even use it in the movie.. and when I see the movie i'll be like "That was totally my idea!" Lol...
To those who dont know what "Unwinding" is... I am not sure if I've already explained it in other posts... but i'll have to do it again, so sorry if its a repeat. .BUT
In the book there are charecters that their parents sign them up for Unwinding, and they are sent to Harvest Camps to be taken a part, organ by organ, piece by piece and distributed all over the world.
The story is set in "The near future" when Abortions are no longer allowed in the World, So you raise your child and if you sign them up for Unwinding, they will be Harvested between the ages of 13-18 If a Child is set up for Unwinding but lives till His or Her's 18th birthday, then the contract is broken and they are free to LIVE.
So they come up with Unwinding, a way to break apart the human body and still have every single piece still living, so its not murder, your just in a million little pieces and scattered, Eyes to a Blind Man, Ears to a woman that cant hear, Hands to a writer, a painter, a pianist, the list goes on,
The question's asked on the survey were,
1. Are you an Organ Donor?
2. Would you ever be Unwound
3. Would you most likely be okay with being Unwound if you knew your parts were going to something better?
4. If anything, what part of your body would you want Unwounded for a specific person, who do you think deserves it most?
(or something to that effect..)
ANSWERS (Only one made it on the page...Its the most cheesy one..but oh well...)
1. Yes.
2. I'm thinking if my Mom could Unwind me, She would.
3. Yes. If I knew exactly to who they were going to...
(remember the last answer is super lame ...but totally made it on the site!)
4. I would give my eyes, I've never liked my dull brown eyes. But I have been told that certain times that a circle of green can be seen in them, when i'm really happy. since I haven't seen it in a while, I would want to give them to an extremely happy person, that way the whole world can see the happy circle of green every day..
(Story behind this) I was at EFY (churchy thing...I know.. bleh) I was actually really happy, away from my family, hanging with tons of cute guys, just enjoying life... Someone walked up to me and told me I had pretty eyes, I was like "My eyes a dull and brown, I hate them" and they said, "Well you can see a ring of green almost in them" so I went and looked in a mirror and I totally could! It was crazy! It was dim but I was way cool looking, I Look for it sometimes and I cant find it... I know that sounds totally lame... and you readers are probably rolling your eyes, but it was a great feeling to be able to see how happy I was, and not feel lost..., So that was my honest answer.. If I was being Unwound I would ask that my Eyes be taken and Given to someone really happy, someone who could make the green shine, and just...change the world like I couldn't ya know?
Lets see, some of the other answers.... (not mine...but I liked them)
"I would donate my heart because a little boy who lives next door had a heart transplant. He is so sweet. Everyone should be given a chance to live life to its fullest, no matter what."
-"My eyes to my blind girlfriend"
I would donate my entire life to bring back my brother. Whatever it would take to have saved him I would give him.
"My hands to a brilliant author who would write the best novel ever."
Here is the website if you want to see it so you can tell i'm not making all this up! ;)
http://unwindmovie.com/UNWINDMOVIE/Blog/Entries/2010/4/11_BODY_PARTS_-_SURVEY_RESULTS.html
Just copy and paste it!
Seeing my comment on there made me feel like the world could hear me, I mean not a lot of people read that blog, not a lot of people haven't even read Unwind, But it was cool to give my opinion and have it used... I hope that my several e-mails to the maker of the movie get the point that I want to be in that movie!
I stayed up with the characters, I got SOOO submerged in the book.. I've probably already mentioned this in another post but.. I worried with the characters, I cried and laughed and just watched the story unfold completely terrified and wondering what was going to happen, That is why I want to BE in the movie, be an Extra, running away from The Cops at "Harvest Camp" Being in the group of people that meet up at "The Graveyard" I guess if anything i'll get to see the movie, so that's alright.
I am sorry i'm spending so much time on this... Hoping for something that is suuuuch a far stretch to even be considered, but... Dreaming and wishing is alright with me...
I don't think i'll be able to sleep knowing that they are judging the shirts tomorrow! Or..I guess today.. I know its not that big of deal.. Oh.. and I did look at the "Prize" And I think its a signed book or my name printed on the tag of the shirt as designer or something...But I hope they got my other messages about how I loved Unwind, I want to go meet the cast they pick... Alright sorry I'm trying not to obsess over it, I just feel good all of a sudden, FALSE HOPE.. .lol dang it
How...cool...would it be... to win...? lol i'm shutting up now..
Thank you for reading!
Everyone reading should comment (anonymously) on this question...
1. If you were sighed up to be Unwound... what parts would u want to go, and to who...oh and dont forget WHY! lol
Love u all! YOUR AMAZING!
-Joshua
Some things I haven't posted anything about.
The Warden is kicking me out June 1st, We got into a fight that I wasn't home to watch the kids (though I put my brother to bed and left for 2 hours)
The timeless argument with her was I had to be home to watch the kids because I didn't have a job and I was lazy.. Blah blah blah
Well I have a job now, Have I posted anything? I dont think so..
I am currently a Team Member of Main Street Burger King! Ugh... Who am I kidding, I have a super lame job! I almost feel like white-trash working there...
No offense to any Burger King Lovers, its just the people that work there, the atmosphere... Is just... kinda.. Scummy .. True there are good people that work there...but there are some that are.. not so good.... Like... "The Convict..." *Shudders*
I try not to judge people, ...But ..ANYWAY
The job is pretty easy, Though I cant understand most of the people who work there.
I am in charge of the Register and making sure the "Dining Room" (which sounds too fancy to be used to describe BURGER BARF) Is clean and spotless,
I was going to write a whole blog post on working but decided that It bores me.. .so i'm going to sum it up.
Its kinda horrible, The manager basically called me fat once, and I made one of the owners mad.. Ha but beside all the bad stuff its just.. alright..
Me and the Warden are barely speaking, I dont care. She chose to be rude.. She chose to have me out of her life once I'm out of this hell.. which will hopefully be soon...
I wanted to get to the real reason that got me to post tonight.. Which is super lame and boring..but I don't care...
Okay well there is an amazing book which I'm sure i've already talked about but its called Unwind, and I made some shirts for the movie for the contest and I sent them in. They are being judged and picked tomorrow,
Then about 2 weeks ago they sent out a survey and they were going to pick the most unique and creative answers for the survey, So I logged on to the blog (which I follow like a hawk looking for anyway possible to be in that movie)
So I filled out the survey and my answer was chosen as one of the 12-13 survey answers, I mean I'm not cool enough to have my name next to it.. But maybe they will even use it in the movie.. and when I see the movie i'll be like "That was totally my idea!" Lol...
To those who dont know what "Unwinding" is... I am not sure if I've already explained it in other posts... but i'll have to do it again, so sorry if its a repeat. .BUT
In the book there are charecters that their parents sign them up for Unwinding, and they are sent to Harvest Camps to be taken a part, organ by organ, piece by piece and distributed all over the world.
The story is set in "The near future" when Abortions are no longer allowed in the World, So you raise your child and if you sign them up for Unwinding, they will be Harvested between the ages of 13-18 If a Child is set up for Unwinding but lives till His or Her's 18th birthday, then the contract is broken and they are free to LIVE.
So they come up with Unwinding, a way to break apart the human body and still have every single piece still living, so its not murder, your just in a million little pieces and scattered, Eyes to a Blind Man, Ears to a woman that cant hear, Hands to a writer, a painter, a pianist, the list goes on,
The question's asked on the survey were,
1. Are you an Organ Donor?
2. Would you ever be Unwound
3. Would you most likely be okay with being Unwound if you knew your parts were going to something better?
4. If anything, what part of your body would you want Unwounded for a specific person, who do you think deserves it most?
(or something to that effect..)
ANSWERS (Only one made it on the page...Its the most cheesy one..but oh well...)
1. Yes.
2. I'm thinking if my Mom could Unwind me, She would.
3. Yes. If I knew exactly to who they were going to...
(remember the last answer is super lame ...but totally made it on the site!)
4. I would give my eyes, I've never liked my dull brown eyes. But I have been told that certain times that a circle of green can be seen in them, when i'm really happy. since I haven't seen it in a while, I would want to give them to an extremely happy person, that way the whole world can see the happy circle of green every day..
(Story behind this) I was at EFY (churchy thing...I know.. bleh) I was actually really happy, away from my family, hanging with tons of cute guys, just enjoying life... Someone walked up to me and told me I had pretty eyes, I was like "My eyes a dull and brown, I hate them" and they said, "Well you can see a ring of green almost in them" so I went and looked in a mirror and I totally could! It was crazy! It was dim but I was way cool looking, I Look for it sometimes and I cant find it... I know that sounds totally lame... and you readers are probably rolling your eyes, but it was a great feeling to be able to see how happy I was, and not feel lost..., So that was my honest answer.. If I was being Unwound I would ask that my Eyes be taken and Given to someone really happy, someone who could make the green shine, and just...change the world like I couldn't ya know?
Lets see, some of the other answers.... (not mine...but I liked them)
"I would donate my heart because a little boy who lives next door had a heart transplant. He is so sweet. Everyone should be given a chance to live life to its fullest, no matter what."
-"My eyes to my blind girlfriend"
I would donate my entire life to bring back my brother. Whatever it would take to have saved him I would give him.
"My hands to a brilliant author who would write the best novel ever."
Here is the website if you want to see it so you can tell i'm not making all this up! ;)
http://unwindmovie.com/UNWINDMOVIE/Blog/Entries/2010/4/11_BODY_PARTS_-_SURVEY_RESULTS.html
Just copy and paste it!
Seeing my comment on there made me feel like the world could hear me, I mean not a lot of people read that blog, not a lot of people haven't even read Unwind, But it was cool to give my opinion and have it used... I hope that my several e-mails to the maker of the movie get the point that I want to be in that movie!
I stayed up with the characters, I got SOOO submerged in the book.. I've probably already mentioned this in another post but.. I worried with the characters, I cried and laughed and just watched the story unfold completely terrified and wondering what was going to happen, That is why I want to BE in the movie, be an Extra, running away from The Cops at "Harvest Camp" Being in the group of people that meet up at "The Graveyard" I guess if anything i'll get to see the movie, so that's alright.
I am sorry i'm spending so much time on this... Hoping for something that is suuuuch a far stretch to even be considered, but... Dreaming and wishing is alright with me...
I don't think i'll be able to sleep knowing that they are judging the shirts tomorrow! Or..I guess today.. I know its not that big of deal.. Oh.. and I did look at the "Prize" And I think its a signed book or my name printed on the tag of the shirt as designer or something...But I hope they got my other messages about how I loved Unwind, I want to go meet the cast they pick... Alright sorry I'm trying not to obsess over it, I just feel good all of a sudden, FALSE HOPE.. .lol dang it
How...cool...would it be... to win...? lol i'm shutting up now..
Thank you for reading!
Everyone reading should comment (anonymously) on this question...
1. If you were sighed up to be Unwound... what parts would u want to go, and to who...oh and dont forget WHY! lol
Love u all! YOUR AMAZING!
-Joshua
Sunday, March 28, 2010
The Echo Inside
Alright to start off... SO SORRY for that last post!
I don't know what goes through my head sometimes, (besides death, vampires, Johnny Depp and Twilight references) But seriously... I do not think things through, I woke up all freaked out and was like, "I'm gonna go write down my dream.."
What an idiot!
So just skip over it.. I don't have it in me to erase it because it took forever to type..ha...
I just wanted to cover a topic that I cover often, so i'm sorry dear readers who tune in and listen to my garbled messages on how my life sucks, or how much.. BLAH BLAH FREAKING BLAH,
I was just thinking today.
Some people think heartache just...fades, or when you find someone new it gets replaced by butterflies and rainbows and happiness...but lately it seems that the heartache I feel just echoes.... Taking up my entire body until I can psychically feel it...Like I can run away from it throughout the day, but when it comes time to lay down I can feel it echoing back to me, back into my head.
Love has always been super confusing for me, I find guys that just aren't good matches for me... True Cody does like me, and tell me he will wait for me, but I dont want him waiting around for me, because when I look at him, I just think of him as a very nice friend, and maybe someone I could go on fun dates with, I'm not sure we really WORK as boyfriends...
Gavin was just a stupid idea, Nothing happened, and nothing will.
I look around and I see the happy couples around me, there are guys my age engaged to their boyfriends, Everyone out there seems so happy...
I know I shouldn't be reaching this far into the past.. not that its that far... but.. To my old leader.. The one who I loved for SO MANY YEARS... He and his wife had another baby, She's adorable! Strange how he will go through life not knowing how much he meant to me, that he just... picked up and moved with his family and didn't know anything... Didn't know how sad I was when he moved... How many times I went to Church activities because of him... How many Days where he noticed my haircut or a new tie when no one else did.. .
Why am I even spending time on this? I shouldn't be dwelling in the past... Thats all that my family does... Always in the past and afraid to live in the present, and scared of the future....
I guess I am just like them in that way, I am constantly looking back at the past and being sad about it... but i'm working on it, just let me whine and just sit there and read it. On second thought, You shouldn't even be reading this.. I'm just being lame..
I just woke up yesterday and I just missed Josh... The echo of the heartache I feel whenever he would smile at me, or go out of his way just to notice me and talk to me, My heart would be fluttering but my brain and the voice of reason would quickly fill my head and I would remember that after church he would go home to his wife, (who was insanely beautiful) and his cute baby girl...
I would go home to my room and just lay on my bed and just stare up at the ceiling, silently crying over how he would never look at me the same way, how I wanted someone to notice me, to Love me.
I didn't like waking up hollow again, feeling the memory of Josh inside my head... I wanted to get up right then and e-mail him, ask him how his family is doing or how is new job is coming, but that wouldn't help... THAT WOULDN'T help ANYTHING... I swore to myself that when he moved I would stop bugging him, stop trying to interfere with his life... He married his high school sweet heart! THey have two kids together, A very happy family...
OKAY IM SHUTTING UP ABOUT HIM NOW.... All the time wasted on wanting and wishing....I'm a loser....
I have my good days and I have my bad days... I can be happy most of the time.. but when I really start listening to all the echos of sadness, all the thoughts and regrets.. it just...makes me feel horrible... Okay...im done.... DONE Talking about all of this.. I started writing this post with something really in depth, I wanted to just....tell people.... I dont know... all I do is complain... so i'm sorry..
Thanks for reading this pointless post...
-joshua
I don't know what goes through my head sometimes, (besides death, vampires, Johnny Depp and Twilight references) But seriously... I do not think things through, I woke up all freaked out and was like, "I'm gonna go write down my dream.."
What an idiot!
So just skip over it.. I don't have it in me to erase it because it took forever to type..ha...
I just wanted to cover a topic that I cover often, so i'm sorry dear readers who tune in and listen to my garbled messages on how my life sucks, or how much.. BLAH BLAH FREAKING BLAH,
I was just thinking today.
Some people think heartache just...fades, or when you find someone new it gets replaced by butterflies and rainbows and happiness...but lately it seems that the heartache I feel just echoes.... Taking up my entire body until I can psychically feel it...Like I can run away from it throughout the day, but when it comes time to lay down I can feel it echoing back to me, back into my head.
Love has always been super confusing for me, I find guys that just aren't good matches for me... True Cody does like me, and tell me he will wait for me, but I dont want him waiting around for me, because when I look at him, I just think of him as a very nice friend, and maybe someone I could go on fun dates with, I'm not sure we really WORK as boyfriends...
Gavin was just a stupid idea, Nothing happened, and nothing will.
I look around and I see the happy couples around me, there are guys my age engaged to their boyfriends, Everyone out there seems so happy...
I know I shouldn't be reaching this far into the past.. not that its that far... but.. To my old leader.. The one who I loved for SO MANY YEARS... He and his wife had another baby, She's adorable! Strange how he will go through life not knowing how much he meant to me, that he just... picked up and moved with his family and didn't know anything... Didn't know how sad I was when he moved... How many times I went to Church activities because of him... How many Days where he noticed my haircut or a new tie when no one else did.. .
Why am I even spending time on this? I shouldn't be dwelling in the past... Thats all that my family does... Always in the past and afraid to live in the present, and scared of the future....
I guess I am just like them in that way, I am constantly looking back at the past and being sad about it... but i'm working on it, just let me whine and just sit there and read it. On second thought, You shouldn't even be reading this.. I'm just being lame..
I just woke up yesterday and I just missed Josh... The echo of the heartache I feel whenever he would smile at me, or go out of his way just to notice me and talk to me, My heart would be fluttering but my brain and the voice of reason would quickly fill my head and I would remember that after church he would go home to his wife, (who was insanely beautiful) and his cute baby girl...
I would go home to my room and just lay on my bed and just stare up at the ceiling, silently crying over how he would never look at me the same way, how I wanted someone to notice me, to Love me.
I didn't like waking up hollow again, feeling the memory of Josh inside my head... I wanted to get up right then and e-mail him, ask him how his family is doing or how is new job is coming, but that wouldn't help... THAT WOULDN'T help ANYTHING... I swore to myself that when he moved I would stop bugging him, stop trying to interfere with his life... He married his high school sweet heart! THey have two kids together, A very happy family...
OKAY IM SHUTTING UP ABOUT HIM NOW.... All the time wasted on wanting and wishing....I'm a loser....
I have my good days and I have my bad days... I can be happy most of the time.. but when I really start listening to all the echos of sadness, all the thoughts and regrets.. it just...makes me feel horrible... Okay...im done.... DONE Talking about all of this.. I started writing this post with something really in depth, I wanted to just....tell people.... I dont know... all I do is complain... so i'm sorry..
Thanks for reading this pointless post...
-joshua
Friday, March 26, 2010
My nightmare
I am not really sure why I am even typing this out... I shouldn't be boring any of you by reading my weird-o nightmares...but I just felt like typing so.. GET OVER IT..
I hope I can get down the detail I saw, the pain that I saw.. some parts might sound cheesy, it was one of those "You had to be there" moments, though i'm sure you wouldn't want to.
Here I go,
I wasn't sure what city I was in, but I know that it was changed from what I knew of it now. Old, run-down buildings, the streets filled with... Get ready..and dont laugh! .... Vampires...
Don't get me wrong, I love vampires, I am in LOOVE with Edward Cullen, but I mean... these vampires were just....blood thirsty, crazy Vamps, and I was one of the few that longed for a change for the better....
I knew I was different. I was in a city of vampires and part of me just knew that I was different from them, a new breed that I would have to keep quiet about. I knew I was a vampire, but I was mixed with something else.
I was carrying a little baby boy, I’m thinking now that he was special too. I was in a tower looking over the city who was frantically looking for “the traitor”. I kept trying to teach the little boy magic, which I guess I had. I put out my hand a little fire butterfly shot out and lit up the dark room we were in, I put my other hand out and a sword shot out and cracked against the walls and disappeared .
The baby ( I refer to him as The child or The Baby, But he looked about 6 years old..) laughed and clapped, I was trying to get him to focus.
“We have to hurry, they will get here soon.”
He looked almost sorry.
I held him close and told him I would protect him, some how I knew that if I got him to the boundary of the city that he would be safe.
I set him down and went over to the window, staying in the shadows of the abandoned building that I was in. I reached out my hand and felt a kind of block that was round the window, I guess that I had cast some spell that would keep the Vampires out without even knowing it.
“We have to get going…”
I said and I saw one of the leader vampires walking through the streets.
(He looked like a very scary Johnny Depp)
I looked down and saw a brown-haired vampire with bouncy curls walking up the path to the building I was in, I could see her reaching out, feeling nothing but knowing she couldn’t pass. She tilted her head to the side and suddenly jerked her head up and looked directly at me.
She opened her mouth in shock, it quickly turned to a grin. She looked back at the “bubble” that she couldn’t see and closed her eyes and started mumbling something. The air was suddenly let back into the room, the intense noise flooded and echoed into the room and scared the little baby. She had broken the barrier and she knew what I was hiding.
I picked him up and dove out the window and fell into the courtyard. I ran into a back ally without looking back, flying off walls and jumping over barriers.
I stopped panicked, it was silent. The fighting was so far behind me that it was deadly quiet, I turned and the brown-haired vampire was standing right in front of me, smiling.
“You have the child?” She asked looked over at him, and the baby looked away.
“Gabby, leave us alone, you know this is wrong!” I screamed, my voice sounding dark and frightened, not for me, but for the innocent child on my back.
“I suppose…that I could…” She started and she suddenly lunged for the child, and he screamed.
I grabbed her by the throat and threw her back into the wall. She froze and looked up at the sky, I almost followed her gaze because her eyes had glazed over.
“MAAASTER!!!” She screamed and I lunged at her but I was too late, I heard screaming from all around me and the sky grew even more black.
I set the child down, knowing that I’d be killed.
“Run! I need you to run as fast as you can, get out of the city. Find someone to take care of you!”
He reached up for me again. I pushed him away and pointed to the open spot in the ally, and he started towards it cautiously.
“You know he is over 50 years old…He is a very new breed. Part human, part vampire, part witch.” I looked over and saw Gabby staring towards the child.
She bared her fangs and jumped towards him and I caught her, and without thinking, plunged my teeth into her neck. I regretted this as soon as I’d done is, I somehow knew that if a vampire bites another vampire its like drinking poison. It not only kills the vampire bitten, but the biter as well.
Gabby screamed and clawed and tried to get away, I kept drinking the blood and it burned my throat, it felt like acid. I broke free and my lips burned, I quickly wiped away the blood that tasted horrible. She fell to the ground screaming, and pointing at me. I looked up and saw that the child had vanished.
I hoped and I prayed that he was okay, the dizziness took over and I sat down at the pavement. I looked over at Gabby who was still writhing, I knew that I would die the quickest of the two.
“What…the hell… is this?” The vampire who looked like Johnny Depp asked.
Gabby shrieked and pointed at me, I looked up at him and tried to focus. The blood at entered my system and it was slowly shutting everything down, I could feel it.
“She…found the child, and I was trying to take it from her and she wouldn’t… so I bit her.”
He nodded and looked from me to Gabby, she was shaking her head but shaking so violently that you couldn’t distinguish between the two.
“You do know that your dying from biting her…” He asked me.
“Yes.” I said, feeling stupid when I realized that I could have done ANYTHING else.
He nodded again seeming to feel impressed.
He pointed at me and I could feel the strength returning in my feet, in my arms.
“Take her, and follow me.” He commanded and I followed. I looked back once to wear the little boy had been, I looked up to the sky and just said, “Please.”
I carried Gabby back through the square, everyone gathered around pointing at Gabby and screaming, “Traitor!” I closed my eyes and followed the lead vampire.
We went through several passageways, down into the depths of whatever building that had chosen for their lair.
“Leave her here.” He said.
I set her down and she looked up at me choking and unable to talk. I followed the lead Vampire to another room where a box lay in the middle of the room. I looked over at him and he circled the box smiling,
“Your age of courage will not go unnoticed.” he said boldly, his voice coming from all sides.
The box started to shake violently, I took a few steps and I was right next to it. The lead vampire smiled and knocked on the box a few times.
“Your award for such noble doings, though you are slowly dieing and was unable to catch the child…” He trailed off, lifted up one side of the bow. “…I did.” He tugged at the bow and the box disappeared with gold dust and smoke.
The child sat bound, sitting and staring up at me. I clenched my fists to my side, trying to keep calm. The lead vampire looked over at the child and back over to me and furrowed his brow. “Have you…met?” He asked noticing the look in the child’s eyes, looking to me to save him.
My mind was reeling, I opened my mouth to speak but horrible screams from the other room flooded the hall. “He is a liar! He is a liar MASTER! Don’t believe him, he was with the child! He bit me to protect the child, don’t be fooled!” The feeling in the room changed. I looked at the child and at the lead vampire who’s turned into a menacing, pained scowl.
The child reached up for me and I quickly picked him up and headed for the door, I was quickly thrown back into the wall. I cradled the child in my arms and I took the hard, crushing wall to my back. I fell to the ground and set him down, ready to fight. I could feel my strength leaving, the poison taking over again.
“How dare you lie to me!” He screamed and charged after me throwing me back against the wall. I looked down at The child and motioned him to run, he held up his hands and bursts of light flew out and surrounded the Master vampire. He flew back against the oppisite wall, I could feel something ignite within me. Something that made me the strongest I’ve ever felt,
“Your father would be very proud of you.” I said and the child smiled. The lead vampire stood up and quickly walked over to me. I knew that if I could bite him, then he would be weakened enough, I focused in on his neck and lunched forward. I screamed as another lead vampire entered the room, I looked over at the child who was crouched and ready to fight. “Wake up!” I screamed, and everything slowed. “WAKE UP!”
I sat up in my bed crying out, “wake up.” and gasping.
Looking back over that, I'm not sure if he was my Son and I was telling him that his father, my husband would be proud of him...lol I'm not sure.. but... Yay for Vampire Gay Marriage... ;)
Anyway, you all reading probably think i'm crazy or have an overactive imagination, but I woke up feeling horrible that I couldn't save that boy, my son, or who ever he was to me.
Some part of me (probably the part of my brain that thinks too hard) thinks that maybe the dream is symbolism for society not wanting me to have a child because "im different" or maybe not society but my Insane-O mom and family, I dont know, just I think they might be connected.... who knows... anyway SORRY TO BORE YOU WITH THAT!
Love ya! Thanks for reading my thoughts and ideas, my complaints and so on and so forth...
Thursday, March 25, 2010
I want... I want... I want... too much?
Hello there!
BAM! Midnight!
As usual I can't sleep... what is the point of going to bet at a decent time when it doesn't really matter most of the time... ya sure.. Lately the Warden wakes me up super early to start job hunting.. but whatever..
I've only turned in like 50 applications this month, and 6 in one day yesterday... I mean I just dont have any job experience.. I was a sophmore (i think) or maybe a junior.. when I got my first job... I feel stupid filling out the applications because I don't remember any supervisor names or numbers so I just put down those as blanks...
I mean no one wants to hire a no nothing idiot! ...Anway
I think the Warden might be hiding my mail, Cody supposedly sent this very long love letter, detailed with how he wanted to be together forever.. I mean I don't want to sound harsh but I kinda pushed him out of my head because ... He lives too far, he never visits, he's always busy! So what is the point in him being my boyfriend when I only hear from him once a day through text?
Bleh!
Gavin isn't even an option because he lives too far away and hes too much a partier...a very sweet, cute guy...but I feel like he would be too wild.. that he IS too wild I dont know
I want to publish a book... I want to be a famous author...
I have written Ellen Degeneres but apparently people have more "important" problems... She answered a letter today asking Ellen what kind of shoes she wore...or something like that.. like....okay.... Answer a question about shoes but when a Gay guy writes in asking to meet Matt Dallas and wondering how he can be a published author it..gets.. thrown away? lol Yes my request might be selfish... but I mean come one! SHOES?
I was randomly searching the net when I saw that one of my favorite books "Unwind" by Neal Shusterman (who totally was rude about the time I asked for Author and publishing advice....harumph!)
Anyway its going to be a movie and I am going to watch for auditions and i'm going to go try out, there's also a competition to see "Who deserves to go hang around the set" You had to write how much you loved the book or whatever and then you had to design t-shirts about the book.
I designed 3 front and back shirts and set them in... Can't wait to hear back.... One of the producers ACTUALLY e-mailed me right back (when I just did the writing part) and told me to keep watching the blog on their websites for casting call Dates.... I mean its a super long shot... but it would be fun to at least say I got to be in the movie like... One of the people in the backround walking or ... SOMETHING! lol
I want a job. I want to move out.. I mean I know I have a roof over my head, a cellphone, blah blah blah.. but I'd trade it to just be living on my own somewhere..NOT HERE...
The warden is constantly asking what kind of music i'm listening to, making sure it has NO GAY THEMES.... she checks what i'm watching, my Itunes, Blah blah blah blah blah... Hey Mom Go ahead and look at my huge wall of shirtless guys in my room! BLEH!
I mean there are so many things my sister (not to throw any one under the bus but since i've been thrown under OVER AND OVER) My sister and her scummy boyfriend smoke and hack and smoke, my younger sister can be pretty vulgar, she is obsessed with those "C.S.I." shows that has blood and gore but OOH! as long as no one is Gay then their fine... That is MESSED UP! So I have to watch what I say but my sister (both younger and older) can do and say whatever they want?
My little sister always calls me "Hey Homo," or, "Hey.. Ya HOMOSEXUAL" I mean yes, I am Gay, but I dont like being to called that in place of my name... it isn't right! Oh but of course since she's dating a boy now, and shes straight then she gets to say whatever the hell she wants... just...dandy..
I gave my blog link out to a complete stranger over Post Secrets Community, we have been talking and she seemed to understand secrets and secret life... So I decided to share it with her, she hasn't responded....probably got tired of the depressing content...
I've been told I should change my font colors and backround color... I don't want any of you "Drowning in Red Text" so those of you that keep reading, let me know how I should change my blog...because I'm the one writing them... I rarely read them (that's where all the grammar and spelling mistakes occur) So I apologize for the Endless Red.
Woah I got dizzy all of a sudden... I think i'm done blogging for the night.. sorry that it was pointless... Just a huge, detailed blabberfest on how I want...a lot of things in the world....
1. One being Matt Dallas ;)
2. A role in a major movie (Unwind, Breaking Dawn... etc..)
3. To be a published Author
4. To get a job!
5. To move away from Hell House and Warden's Horribleness
6. Meet a very nice, normal guy (If Matt Dallas doesnt work out) ;)
hm... is that all...
That's all I can think.. but the content is pretty intense and far fetched... ah well..
OH! Quick Book-Talk
I read "The Vast Fields of Ordinary" by Nick Burd
It was actually really depressing.. I don't know if i've already talked about this.. or maybe I dreamt I blogged of this (you know your insane when you have dreams where you blog)
Anyway, its about a Teenager named Dade (no not Dave... DADE) And how he hates high school, he's a senior and he is going off to college at the end of the summer, he has a very rude "friend" named Paulo (or something) That they are constantly "hooking up" Dade is Gay, and knows it. Paulo just likes... Being with Guys.. AND girls, but he is "totally straight" Wow.. I've heard that before... Paulo treats Dade like dirt day after day, and when Paulo wants to hook up, Dade gives in and then the cycle continues...wow..haven't felt that before... The feeling and thoughts where
"Just give him one more chance to redeem himself....He will love me eventually" Yeah... wow...Scarily Accurate to how i've felt. Oh! I was going to quote a Phone Conversation that they had... Because I had the SAME one with....Alex....Bleh!
Maybe its too personal.. or maybe you'll think i'm totally dumb for giving in..but to see my phone conversation on that page....*shudders* I didnt know I could be that stupid, and gullible! Let me find it.. hmm....
( I couldn't find the actual page number...so i'm going to paraphrase.)
I suddenly got a text that jolted me from my sleep
"You sleeping?" He asked.
"It's 3 A.M." I said. "What do you think?"
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"I need to see you" He replied
"Why"
"Use your imagination."
"Its late, i'm not going anywhere"
"Oh come on... see ya soon?"
"On my way"
Yeah...after reading that I was like....HOLY SH*T! Someone has been reading my life and making a book out of it, so many times, so many times in the book. Dade was pushed to the side so Paulo could act straight in front of certain friends, and sometimes he would deny their encounters all together...ANYWAY .. You will just have to read the book to see what happens... I don't mean to dwell on the likes of ALEX...he isn't worth anyones times...but just reading those pages, reading how lonely and confused Dade felt...Talking to his ceiling fan or reflection, practicing "I'm Gay Mom and Dad." "I'm Gay" I mean..wow... Such a book that makes you remember a lot of stuff... whether you want to or not...
OKAY.. NOOW i'm done blabbing..
I am still trying to figure out how to put a MP3 of myself reading this...though now that I think about it...is a dumb idea.. let me know what you think...
Thank you for reading, if anyone still is...
ECHO!! (Eccho....echho.....ecchoo....)...ah well...
Sincerely,
Joshua
BAM! Midnight!
As usual I can't sleep... what is the point of going to bet at a decent time when it doesn't really matter most of the time... ya sure.. Lately the Warden wakes me up super early to start job hunting.. but whatever..
I've only turned in like 50 applications this month, and 6 in one day yesterday... I mean I just dont have any job experience.. I was a sophmore (i think) or maybe a junior.. when I got my first job... I feel stupid filling out the applications because I don't remember any supervisor names or numbers so I just put down those as blanks...
I mean no one wants to hire a no nothing idiot! ...Anway
I think the Warden might be hiding my mail, Cody supposedly sent this very long love letter, detailed with how he wanted to be together forever.. I mean I don't want to sound harsh but I kinda pushed him out of my head because ... He lives too far, he never visits, he's always busy! So what is the point in him being my boyfriend when I only hear from him once a day through text?
Bleh!
Gavin isn't even an option because he lives too far away and hes too much a partier...a very sweet, cute guy...but I feel like he would be too wild.. that he IS too wild I dont know
I want to publish a book... I want to be a famous author...
I have written Ellen Degeneres but apparently people have more "important" problems... She answered a letter today asking Ellen what kind of shoes she wore...or something like that.. like....okay.... Answer a question about shoes but when a Gay guy writes in asking to meet Matt Dallas and wondering how he can be a published author it..gets.. thrown away? lol Yes my request might be selfish... but I mean come one! SHOES?
I was randomly searching the net when I saw that one of my favorite books "Unwind" by Neal Shusterman (who totally was rude about the time I asked for Author and publishing advice....harumph!)
Anyway its going to be a movie and I am going to watch for auditions and i'm going to go try out, there's also a competition to see "Who deserves to go hang around the set" You had to write how much you loved the book or whatever and then you had to design t-shirts about the book.
I designed 3 front and back shirts and set them in... Can't wait to hear back.... One of the producers ACTUALLY e-mailed me right back (when I just did the writing part) and told me to keep watching the blog on their websites for casting call Dates.... I mean its a super long shot... but it would be fun to at least say I got to be in the movie like... One of the people in the backround walking or ... SOMETHING! lol
I want a job. I want to move out.. I mean I know I have a roof over my head, a cellphone, blah blah blah.. but I'd trade it to just be living on my own somewhere..NOT HERE...
The warden is constantly asking what kind of music i'm listening to, making sure it has NO GAY THEMES.... she checks what i'm watching, my Itunes, Blah blah blah blah blah... Hey Mom Go ahead and look at my huge wall of shirtless guys in my room! BLEH!
I mean there are so many things my sister (not to throw any one under the bus but since i've been thrown under OVER AND OVER) My sister and her scummy boyfriend smoke and hack and smoke, my younger sister can be pretty vulgar, she is obsessed with those "C.S.I." shows that has blood and gore but OOH! as long as no one is Gay then their fine... That is MESSED UP! So I have to watch what I say but my sister (both younger and older) can do and say whatever they want?
My little sister always calls me "Hey Homo," or, "Hey.. Ya HOMOSEXUAL" I mean yes, I am Gay, but I dont like being to called that in place of my name... it isn't right! Oh but of course since she's dating a boy now, and shes straight then she gets to say whatever the hell she wants... just...dandy..
I gave my blog link out to a complete stranger over Post Secrets Community, we have been talking and she seemed to understand secrets and secret life... So I decided to share it with her, she hasn't responded....probably got tired of the depressing content...
I've been told I should change my font colors and backround color... I don't want any of you "Drowning in Red Text" so those of you that keep reading, let me know how I should change my blog...because I'm the one writing them... I rarely read them (that's where all the grammar and spelling mistakes occur) So I apologize for the Endless Red.
Woah I got dizzy all of a sudden... I think i'm done blogging for the night.. sorry that it was pointless... Just a huge, detailed blabberfest on how I want...a lot of things in the world....
1. One being Matt Dallas ;)
2. A role in a major movie (Unwind, Breaking Dawn... etc..)
3. To be a published Author
4. To get a job!
5. To move away from Hell House and Warden's Horribleness
6. Meet a very nice, normal guy (If Matt Dallas doesnt work out) ;)
hm... is that all...
That's all I can think.. but the content is pretty intense and far fetched... ah well..
OH! Quick Book-Talk
I read "The Vast Fields of Ordinary" by Nick Burd
It was actually really depressing.. I don't know if i've already talked about this.. or maybe I dreamt I blogged of this (you know your insane when you have dreams where you blog)
Anyway, its about a Teenager named Dade (no not Dave... DADE) And how he hates high school, he's a senior and he is going off to college at the end of the summer, he has a very rude "friend" named Paulo (or something) That they are constantly "hooking up" Dade is Gay, and knows it. Paulo just likes... Being with Guys.. AND girls, but he is "totally straight" Wow.. I've heard that before... Paulo treats Dade like dirt day after day, and when Paulo wants to hook up, Dade gives in and then the cycle continues...wow..haven't felt that before... The feeling and thoughts where
"Just give him one more chance to redeem himself....He will love me eventually" Yeah... wow...Scarily Accurate to how i've felt. Oh! I was going to quote a Phone Conversation that they had... Because I had the SAME one with....Alex....Bleh!
Maybe its too personal.. or maybe you'll think i'm totally dumb for giving in..but to see my phone conversation on that page....*shudders* I didnt know I could be that stupid, and gullible! Let me find it.. hmm....
( I couldn't find the actual page number...so i'm going to paraphrase.)
I suddenly got a text that jolted me from my sleep
"You sleeping?" He asked.
"It's 3 A.M." I said. "What do you think?"
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"I need to see you" He replied
"Why"
"Use your imagination."
"Its late, i'm not going anywhere"
"Oh come on... see ya soon?"
"On my way"
Yeah...after reading that I was like....HOLY SH*T! Someone has been reading my life and making a book out of it, so many times, so many times in the book. Dade was pushed to the side so Paulo could act straight in front of certain friends, and sometimes he would deny their encounters all together...ANYWAY .. You will just have to read the book to see what happens... I don't mean to dwell on the likes of ALEX...he isn't worth anyones times...but just reading those pages, reading how lonely and confused Dade felt...Talking to his ceiling fan or reflection, practicing "I'm Gay Mom and Dad." "I'm Gay" I mean..wow... Such a book that makes you remember a lot of stuff... whether you want to or not...
OKAY.. NOOW i'm done blabbing..
I am still trying to figure out how to put a MP3 of myself reading this...though now that I think about it...is a dumb idea.. let me know what you think...
Thank you for reading, if anyone still is...
ECHO!! (Eccho....echho.....ecchoo....)...ah well...
Sincerely,
Joshua
Saturday, March 20, 2010
The Disneyland Trip
(Sorry in advance for the whacky spacing, I started writing this blog as a Phone Note, so I'll do my best to space it out like normal...wont be doing that again! Lol)
Being alone on the happiest places on Earth is just about as fun as it sounds... True.. It was my fault for wandering around alone... But you have to realize the people im going with...
True Disney is an "all about family" place...
The thing is that my family are not good company...most of the time, I hope no one reading thinks im a horrible person, but to those that know my family...know that they are nothing but judgemental and rude to anyone outside of their bubble... The funny/strange thing about my family is.. They think Gay Men, and Women are abnormal and the whole lifestyle is wrong and twisted..when in reality THEY are the twisted ones!
I mean my sister never steps in, she sits back and watches fights unfold and just stands there, my other sister does whatever he Whitetrash boyfriend tell her too! Do you know they laugh the same now? That they almost dress the same? I remember my old sister, I remember her old attitude, style, laugh, creativeness! Not many of her friends now never knew that she was a Bug collector, me and her used to ride bikes down at the school, she taught me how to go down this huge hill when I was like 8! I miss the old Kate, The one I see all the time now is just a hollow version, Ty hollowed her out and now shes just like him, empty.
I hope no one thinks i'm being too harsh..but its hard to see someone change so much right in front of your eyes.
My other sister (who is younger) is constantly making weird noises, saying strange things, and maybe she feels left out, that she feels like no one is paying attention to her, but its so hard to sit down and have a normal convo with her when she doesn't even try~!
We arrived in California on Monday afternoon, My first plane ride.. I planned it out in my head to be this awesome experience, that I would get there and id be sat by some random, amazing person and we would talk the whole flight! ...Ha...silly right?
But we got there and I got to sit next to a very Homophobic Asshole Which of course was super!(He turned to look at me and smiled and held out his hand and I shook it, he then saw my Gay Pride bracelet and didn't say a word to me the whole flight, he wouldn't even look at me! He sat and talked with the guy that he didn't know right next to him...
ANYWAY!!!!!!! >>>>>> An hour later we got to our hotel, its pretty nice. My sister >>>>>> Kate and her boyfriend Ty were waiting at our hotel,
Ty was just as rude and loud since I saw him last, nothing changes with him..
Melissa and her fam got there a couple hours later and Monday flew by,
Tuesday was our first day in Disneyland, My Mom cried a good half of the time, missing my Dad, then that got everyone else crying saying how they wished he was here, that we would have to go on all of his favorite rides.. Does it make me heartless to just get weak and try to shut out the memories or stories!? I mean I miss him too!!! But if u fill up your life with nothing but memories of someone gone, then pretty soon that's all u think about, and all the time spent living in the present is pointless if u dwell in the past...
AnYway Tuesday was no different,Filled with my family wanting me to spend every second together, I know we came for the last time as a family.. But I can't stand my family sometimes, The times where I want to be with them, they say or do something that..just drive me away. The only good part about Tuesday was getting an icecream...Haha I was walking behind Melissa and her husband when I saw a really cute guy working at the icecream stand, It got that heart racing, hands shaking feeling, he was gorgeous! So of course I walked right by because a guy like that wouldn't be into me, And I knew the odds are of him being Gay were pretty slim,
But I told myself to turn around and I went back.. I don't remember what I ordered but I know I stumbled up and I smiled at him, His name...which now I feel bad about... was either Daniel or Dave... Ha I wasn't paying attention because I was nervous! (Im not a very good at flirting...and wouldn't know how to even recover if he was actually straight or if I got rejected...) But anyway, he had a very nice smile and while getting my icecream said something to one of the other girls and that's when I could totally tell he was Gay lol, Now my Gaydar sucks...most of the time...but I could tell..I got my icecream smiled at him and I......walked off.....What an idiot!!!
I did go back for a spoon about 10 seconds later, my heart was racing too fast...I should have said something! Damnit! IM sorry for telling that incredibly horrible story on how I was a chicken....I COULD HAVE JUST SAID....SOMETHING! So I walked away and... I just can't get that out of my head....the moment keeps replying in my head, I told myself that I would have a second chance, that I could find him later, that I could ask him for his number then, I assured myself that everything would be fine, that id find him and maybe we wouldn't end up in a relationship one day... But... I don't have a lot of Gay friends...living on Narrow Minded Ville Utah...So it would have been nice to know someone outside, someone normal.. I feel horrible and empty when the moment keeps playing, Play.Pause. Rewind....Play.. Pause...rewind...Over and over... And im like one of those people in a scary movie screaming "Turn around! Turn around! Goooo the other way!"
A couple days passed.. And I didn't see him again, (side story coming up....) Sorry! But I didn't really know when to add this part in but.....I got to meet TORI SPELLING! She is so amazing, and funny! We were sitting at Goofy's kitchen and I was trying to smile and put on a show so my family would leave me alone (I don't like being seen with them because I want guys to actually look at me! Haha Anyway!) so we went and the whole "dining with the Disney Characters was interesting... Maybe I just wasn't in the mood hearing my brother -in law talk my ear off about something that probably didn't matter at the time, or at all. The characters coming over and messing with us, flicking me or waving and it was kinda hard to eat and deal with their out of controllness.. but...
I liked to watch the tables around and see how little kids react to seeing Goofy, Micky or whoever else was going to show up.. The food was super good!
Well anyway (Now for the moment and meeting that made my week! (This was Wednesday I thinkkk) I went to get a plate when I looked over to a couple of tables over and saw Tori Spelling, Her Cute husband Dean just.. Chatting it up with their cute kids! I almost had a heart attack!
I Loved their TV show! They are so cute together! I loved watching their show because I wanted to be like them, Tori is super talented and funny and Dean is very sweet and level headed! I also looooved Tori's Gay friends because I wanted to be them lol ,
To just be able to do and say what u want... To be free from narrow minded people... Its nice to have a little look out the "bubble" once in a while and see that the rest of the world is normal and my Mom and her rules are the insane, and stupid..
I got Tori's autograph and I gave her a copy of my blog address..I didn't want to because I felt totally stupid, I didn't want to bother her at dinner, and I didn't want to be those idiots that are always bugging celebs, I don't expect her to even look at this, its nothing more ramblings of a depressed 18 year old... Haha.. I just thought she'd understand having gay friends, that these random posts are my life, my venting place...
So Tori, if your ever reading this, Thanks for being amazing and awesome! Thanks for being so nice to me :D And if she never reads it... I won't ever know, so I guess that's alright
>>>>>>>>>> fast forward to my laaast day at "The Happiest Place On Earth" My family was evenly paired with my cousins and I was the odd man out, so I was lucky enough to wander around the park by myself yet again, the past couple days.. I have tried to catch a cute guys eye, Not that I would ever have the courage for any number asking or talking... I could at least look at all the California Hotties, I never found "Icecream Guy" though I wonder if I would have actually done anything if I saw him.. So I just wandered around and I eventually ended up at Haunted Mansion! I rode it 10 times in a row, getting on the ride behind people who loved the ride, people who hated it, First timers, frequent riders, Parents, Scared kids, Annoying kids, teens, Russians, Germans, Italians so many paths, stories so many people!! Thousands of thousands of people throughout the park, 1st visits, Old couples who had never been to Disneyland. The look on a little boy's face who was wearing a "1st visit" button that just spotted Buzz LightYear, it was all just amazing to watch! I sat next to so many people that didn't know me, so many people that shared the same likes, dislikes that I wanted to get to know! I hope that doesn't make me sound weird but I just wanted to meet everyone! The family got together and rode Space Mountain one last time, then we boarded the train back to Frontier Land,Standing behind us in line was a guy wearing a tight hott shirt, cool pants and had darkish hair with a pink part in it and we turned out and at the same time said, "I like your hair!" Haha we then boarded on different sides of the train and I wanted to go sit with him and his friends, he was sitting by a girl and I thought they maaaybe they were together, (remember my Gaydar isn't that great....yeahh...)
So I just rode the train and at every stop that wasn't Ours, hoping that he wouldn't get off on another stop, after all I was with my family and my very churchy cousins, I couldn't very well get up and off the train to chase after a guy! So when our stop came, I saw him and his friends get off and I booked (i've just realized that I've used the word 'Booked' a lot.. I guess its my word of the week! )So anyway... I raced after them! I can't even remember what I said to my family but I walked passed the Pink Haired guy and I smiled and tried to look sexy (which is almost impossible for me) and he smiled and waved, I then got clear down the block and my SUPER COOL COUSIN E's voice
" (The voice of Get off your ass and take a leap!)" (the same voice that got me up to get Tori Spellings autograph and a copy of my Blog) Which is actually kinda crazy because when I first came out to her she has always reminded me of Tori Spelling, and she would always say "Oh my gosh, I'm Tory and your one of my Way Cool Gay Best Friends" Ha so actually meeting Tori I just wanted to Hug her! And I did! lol I hope she picked up the vibe that I wasn't like stalking her or something lol, I tend to always play back convo's in my head and just rewind and listen to them again and if I find out I said something stupid.. I torture myself by playing it over and over...haha... So hopefully I didnt make a complete fool of myself......
Anyway back to my MAN story ;) So I stopped and turned around, I gritted my teeth and started walking back towards him, and he was almost caught up with me, "My friends are being Lame..." he said.
"Oh im sorry, haha..." I said, actually shocked that he just started talking like we had been friends for years
"Hm..which way is Splash Mountain..?." He asked looking around
."I think its over that way, im headed to haunted mansion" (because I was trying to be flirty and maybe have him ride it with me.
"Are u from here?" He asked not picking up on my hint taht I guess wasnt so hinty
"Nope..im from saint george Utah" I said smiling.
"Oh! Im from Salt Lake"
We then flirted it up for a little bit more when he smiled and said, "well is should get back to my friends, here's my number, call me if u ever want to come visit me in salt lake!" I had waited my entire vacation to meet someone! ! I tried so many times, but I guess im just not that great looking but thats right, Lol I got my Vacation Cutie a couple mins before Midnight,
He invited me back to their hotel for a party, and I almost went.. thinking that this one time I could do something crazy and fun and just GO! But my voice of reason (E) talked me out of it, and I'm so glad she did lol, apparently my random Cutie is a big partier, he drinks and smokes, and DONT GET ME WRONG! I know people who drink, I know people that smoke but.. 1. Kissing a smoker is never fun.. 2. Its super bad for you! 3. I have asthma..so Smoking would make it hard for me to breathe, And the fact that he parties isnt a turn off, I just havent ever drank! Not once! I am going to be 19 next month and I haven't drinken anything with Alcohol, but i've wanted to! lol So I ended up not going. and He is still texting me.
I just want to meet a guy like me! Sometimes I feel so different from all the other Gay Guys I know, I mean am I broken? I feel like something inside of me is broken, so I dont want to go out drinking or smoking or sleeping with guy after guy.. is there a Gay guy out there for me that is classy and can date and not be all about sex! I mean Cody is still into me, but I just dont see it working out with me, even on our first date he joked round having a threesome.. I just want a normal guy, not a huge partier, not to beautiful looking so I dont feel bad! lol I just need to hit the gym again.. I get so depressed that I get to tired to even try to get in shape..
Alright, well there was my week, of course there was much more lonely things that happened, or comments or teasing throughout the week, but there are way too many stories to write over a blog, this one is long enough! Feel free to email me if you want, here is my "Joshwah Email" Email with any questions.... or concerns , (josh_wah2009@hotmail.com)
Love you all! thanks for reading!
Oh and E! Thanks for the laughs tonight! I haven't laughed that much all week! I needed it!
love, Joshua!
Being alone on the happiest places on Earth is just about as fun as it sounds... True.. It was my fault for wandering around alone... But you have to realize the people im going with...
True Disney is an "all about family" place...
The thing is that my family are not good company...most of the time, I hope no one reading thinks im a horrible person, but to those that know my family...know that they are nothing but judgemental and rude to anyone outside of their bubble... The funny/strange thing about my family is.. They think Gay Men, and Women are abnormal and the whole lifestyle is wrong and twisted..when in reality THEY are the twisted ones!
I mean my sister never steps in, she sits back and watches fights unfold and just stands there, my other sister does whatever he Whitetrash boyfriend tell her too! Do you know they laugh the same now? That they almost dress the same? I remember my old sister, I remember her old attitude, style, laugh, creativeness! Not many of her friends now never knew that she was a Bug collector, me and her used to ride bikes down at the school, she taught me how to go down this huge hill when I was like 8! I miss the old Kate, The one I see all the time now is just a hollow version, Ty hollowed her out and now shes just like him, empty.
I hope no one thinks i'm being too harsh..but its hard to see someone change so much right in front of your eyes.
My other sister (who is younger) is constantly making weird noises, saying strange things, and maybe she feels left out, that she feels like no one is paying attention to her, but its so hard to sit down and have a normal convo with her when she doesn't even try~!
We arrived in California on Monday afternoon, My first plane ride.. I planned it out in my head to be this awesome experience, that I would get there and id be sat by some random, amazing person and we would talk the whole flight! ...Ha...silly right?
But we got there and I got to sit next to a very Homophobic Asshole Which of course was super!(He turned to look at me and smiled and held out his hand and I shook it, he then saw my Gay Pride bracelet and didn't say a word to me the whole flight, he wouldn't even look at me! He sat and talked with the guy that he didn't know right next to him...
ANYWAY!!!!!!! >>>>>> An hour later we got to our hotel, its pretty nice. My sister >>>>>> Kate and her boyfriend Ty were waiting at our hotel,
Ty was just as rude and loud since I saw him last, nothing changes with him..
Melissa and her fam got there a couple hours later and Monday flew by,
Tuesday was our first day in Disneyland, My Mom cried a good half of the time, missing my Dad, then that got everyone else crying saying how they wished he was here, that we would have to go on all of his favorite rides.. Does it make me heartless to just get weak and try to shut out the memories or stories!? I mean I miss him too!!! But if u fill up your life with nothing but memories of someone gone, then pretty soon that's all u think about, and all the time spent living in the present is pointless if u dwell in the past...
AnYway Tuesday was no different,Filled with my family wanting me to spend every second together, I know we came for the last time as a family.. But I can't stand my family sometimes, The times where I want to be with them, they say or do something that..just drive me away. The only good part about Tuesday was getting an icecream...Haha I was walking behind Melissa and her husband when I saw a really cute guy working at the icecream stand, It got that heart racing, hands shaking feeling, he was gorgeous! So of course I walked right by because a guy like that wouldn't be into me, And I knew the odds are of him being Gay were pretty slim,
But I told myself to turn around and I went back.. I don't remember what I ordered but I know I stumbled up and I smiled at him, His name...which now I feel bad about... was either Daniel or Dave... Ha I wasn't paying attention because I was nervous! (Im not a very good at flirting...and wouldn't know how to even recover if he was actually straight or if I got rejected...) But anyway, he had a very nice smile and while getting my icecream said something to one of the other girls and that's when I could totally tell he was Gay lol, Now my Gaydar sucks...most of the time...but I could tell..I got my icecream smiled at him and I......walked off.....What an idiot!!!
I did go back for a spoon about 10 seconds later, my heart was racing too fast...I should have said something! Damnit! IM sorry for telling that incredibly horrible story on how I was a chicken....I COULD HAVE JUST SAID....SOMETHING! So I walked away and... I just can't get that out of my head....the moment keeps replying in my head, I told myself that I would have a second chance, that I could find him later, that I could ask him for his number then, I assured myself that everything would be fine, that id find him and maybe we wouldn't end up in a relationship one day... But... I don't have a lot of Gay friends...living on Narrow Minded Ville Utah...So it would have been nice to know someone outside, someone normal.. I feel horrible and empty when the moment keeps playing, Play.Pause. Rewind....Play.. Pause...rewind...Over and over... And im like one of those people in a scary movie screaming "Turn around! Turn around! Goooo the other way!"
A couple days passed.. And I didn't see him again, (side story coming up....) Sorry! But I didn't really know when to add this part in but.....I got to meet TORI SPELLING! She is so amazing, and funny! We were sitting at Goofy's kitchen and I was trying to smile and put on a show so my family would leave me alone (I don't like being seen with them because I want guys to actually look at me! Haha Anyway!) so we went and the whole "dining with the Disney Characters was interesting... Maybe I just wasn't in the mood hearing my brother -in law talk my ear off about something that probably didn't matter at the time, or at all. The characters coming over and messing with us, flicking me or waving and it was kinda hard to eat and deal with their out of controllness.. but...
I liked to watch the tables around and see how little kids react to seeing Goofy, Micky or whoever else was going to show up.. The food was super good!
Well anyway (Now for the moment and meeting that made my week! (This was Wednesday I thinkkk) I went to get a plate when I looked over to a couple of tables over and saw Tori Spelling, Her Cute husband Dean just.. Chatting it up with their cute kids! I almost had a heart attack!
I Loved their TV show! They are so cute together! I loved watching their show because I wanted to be like them, Tori is super talented and funny and Dean is very sweet and level headed! I also looooved Tori's Gay friends because I wanted to be them lol ,
To just be able to do and say what u want... To be free from narrow minded people... Its nice to have a little look out the "bubble" once in a while and see that the rest of the world is normal and my Mom and her rules are the insane, and stupid..
I got Tori's autograph and I gave her a copy of my blog address..I didn't want to because I felt totally stupid, I didn't want to bother her at dinner, and I didn't want to be those idiots that are always bugging celebs, I don't expect her to even look at this, its nothing more ramblings of a depressed 18 year old... Haha.. I just thought she'd understand having gay friends, that these random posts are my life, my venting place...
So Tori, if your ever reading this, Thanks for being amazing and awesome! Thanks for being so nice to me :D And if she never reads it... I won't ever know, so I guess that's alright
>>>>>>>>>> fast forward to my laaast day at "The Happiest Place On Earth" My family was evenly paired with my cousins and I was the odd man out, so I was lucky enough to wander around the park by myself yet again, the past couple days.. I have tried to catch a cute guys eye, Not that I would ever have the courage for any number asking or talking... I could at least look at all the California Hotties, I never found "Icecream Guy" though I wonder if I would have actually done anything if I saw him.. So I just wandered around and I eventually ended up at Haunted Mansion! I rode it 10 times in a row, getting on the ride behind people who loved the ride, people who hated it, First timers, frequent riders, Parents, Scared kids, Annoying kids, teens, Russians, Germans, Italians so many paths, stories so many people!! Thousands of thousands of people throughout the park, 1st visits, Old couples who had never been to Disneyland. The look on a little boy's face who was wearing a "1st visit" button that just spotted Buzz LightYear, it was all just amazing to watch! I sat next to so many people that didn't know me, so many people that shared the same likes, dislikes that I wanted to get to know! I hope that doesn't make me sound weird but I just wanted to meet everyone! The family got together and rode Space Mountain one last time, then we boarded the train back to Frontier Land,Standing behind us in line was a guy wearing a tight hott shirt, cool pants and had darkish hair with a pink part in it and we turned out and at the same time said, "I like your hair!" Haha we then boarded on different sides of the train and I wanted to go sit with him and his friends, he was sitting by a girl and I thought they maaaybe they were together, (remember my Gaydar isn't that great....yeahh...)
So I just rode the train and at every stop that wasn't Ours, hoping that he wouldn't get off on another stop, after all I was with my family and my very churchy cousins, I couldn't very well get up and off the train to chase after a guy! So when our stop came, I saw him and his friends get off and I booked (i've just realized that I've used the word 'Booked' a lot.. I guess its my word of the week! )So anyway... I raced after them! I can't even remember what I said to my family but I walked passed the Pink Haired guy and I smiled and tried to look sexy (which is almost impossible for me) and he smiled and waved, I then got clear down the block and my SUPER COOL COUSIN E's voice
" (The voice of Get off your ass and take a leap!)" (the same voice that got me up to get Tori Spellings autograph and a copy of my Blog) Which is actually kinda crazy because when I first came out to her she has always reminded me of Tori Spelling, and she would always say "Oh my gosh, I'm Tory and your one of my Way Cool Gay Best Friends" Ha so actually meeting Tori I just wanted to Hug her! And I did! lol I hope she picked up the vibe that I wasn't like stalking her or something lol, I tend to always play back convo's in my head and just rewind and listen to them again and if I find out I said something stupid.. I torture myself by playing it over and over...haha... So hopefully I didnt make a complete fool of myself......
Anyway back to my MAN story ;) So I stopped and turned around, I gritted my teeth and started walking back towards him, and he was almost caught up with me, "My friends are being Lame..." he said.
"Oh im sorry, haha..." I said, actually shocked that he just started talking like we had been friends for years
"Hm..which way is Splash Mountain..?." He asked looking around
."I think its over that way, im headed to haunted mansion" (because I was trying to be flirty and maybe have him ride it with me.
"Are u from here?" He asked not picking up on my hint taht I guess wasnt so hinty
"Nope..im from saint george Utah" I said smiling.
"Oh! Im from Salt Lake"
We then flirted it up for a little bit more when he smiled and said, "well is should get back to my friends, here's my number, call me if u ever want to come visit me in salt lake!" I had waited my entire vacation to meet someone! ! I tried so many times, but I guess im just not that great looking but thats right, Lol I got my Vacation Cutie a couple mins before Midnight,
He invited me back to their hotel for a party, and I almost went.. thinking that this one time I could do something crazy and fun and just GO! But my voice of reason (E) talked me out of it, and I'm so glad she did lol, apparently my random Cutie is a big partier, he drinks and smokes, and DONT GET ME WRONG! I know people who drink, I know people that smoke but.. 1. Kissing a smoker is never fun.. 2. Its super bad for you! 3. I have asthma..so Smoking would make it hard for me to breathe, And the fact that he parties isnt a turn off, I just havent ever drank! Not once! I am going to be 19 next month and I haven't drinken anything with Alcohol, but i've wanted to! lol So I ended up not going. and He is still texting me.
I just want to meet a guy like me! Sometimes I feel so different from all the other Gay Guys I know, I mean am I broken? I feel like something inside of me is broken, so I dont want to go out drinking or smoking or sleeping with guy after guy.. is there a Gay guy out there for me that is classy and can date and not be all about sex! I mean Cody is still into me, but I just dont see it working out with me, even on our first date he joked round having a threesome.. I just want a normal guy, not a huge partier, not to beautiful looking so I dont feel bad! lol I just need to hit the gym again.. I get so depressed that I get to tired to even try to get in shape..
Alright, well there was my week, of course there was much more lonely things that happened, or comments or teasing throughout the week, but there are way too many stories to write over a blog, this one is long enough! Feel free to email me if you want, here is my "Joshwah Email" Email with any questions.... or concerns , (josh_wah2009@hotmail.com)
Love you all! thanks for reading!
Oh and E! Thanks for the laughs tonight! I haven't laughed that much all week! I needed it!
love, Joshua!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Bored of the Warden...
I don’t know what to do.
I just don’t!
The Warden is being this super bitch to my favorite cousin E,
She is being very judgmental and unfair, (the warden) but what else is new?
I just don’t want MY mom making her feel bad because she doesn’t deserve it! AT ALL.
What I hate the most is the cycle. It starts with me doing something that my mom doesn’t like, having someone over or hanging out with certain people or being past curfew or just about anything can set her off. Then she gets mad at me and she doesn’t talk to me, look at me for a couple days. Then she gets my sisters to talk to me and try to make me apologize to her, which I NEVER DO. And then my mom ends up sitting me down and crying the entire time, rattling off all sorts of drama bullshit. THEN she never listens to my side, then the conversation is over and she hugs me. THEN BAM. She is talking to me again, happy, bubbly, FAKE.
Its only a matter of time before something else happens and she turns into the vile, insane Bitch! The cycle goes over and over, I just need to get out of this house. What the hell am I still doing here? Oh…the no money…no job thing… Hm…I would rather be poor and living on the streets then here. I hate it.
If its not one thing its another with her, I will never make her happy, and now that we are going on a week long “Last family vacation” she is acting all bubbly and happy because she wants a happy trip. SCREW THAT.
My mom can be vile to me but she cant be that way to the people I care about, she cant assume things and be judgmental and rude to the people I love. Even though we are talking now, you just wait. I hope she knows that once I’m gone, IM GONE.
E has offered me to move in with them.. But I know that wouldn’t work. Mostly because.. IM LAZY, I mean I am trying to get a job now. But I feel if I moved in with them I’d be this huge burden, They are so amazing and I love them but I just don’t want to weigh them down like that. I just need to get a job so I can finally build up some money.. Ugh.. Does anyone know who is hiring?
I feel sick to my stomach living here.. I just need to get OUT.
I am so happy when I’m just out with my friends. Because I am happy.
I went to the airport again tonight.. I sat up and just stared out over the lights..
I wish I could just get away from here. Far away from this town, it seems so impossible, so overwhelmingly impossible. One of my very good friends are planning to move to Chicago! How exciting would that be? To find a place and just GO FOR IT. She has big plans and she is super successful so I know she can make it anywhere, but to see a dream and just go for it… It’s just amazing!
I want to be a writer, I only have a couple written stories that aren’t very long. I wonder I could just combine them all. Have a short story book and have it sell a lot, but I’m not sure it even would, I just wish I knew where to start, who to send it to, when and where and for how much. Its another overwhelmingly impossible thing that seems to grow into more of a fantasy then a reality. It’s so frustrating to see authors my age getting books out, how did they get their start? Does the fact that I can only write short stories make it a stupid dream to seek after, I’ve always wanted to go into Barnes and Noble and see my book on the shelf.
That would be the coolest thing ever! Except the downside to writing a book, some people might love it, but what if it doesn’t sell? What if my book is like the many I’ve seen go straight to dollar bins or discount stores. What if instead of having lines at an autograph table, im the one with no one at mine.
I don’t know what’s more frustrating or scary… Wondering about your dream, planning it out in your head and failing or succeeding.. Or ACTUALLY trying to achieve your dream, your life-long dream..and have it crash and burn.
What would I do with my life then? A failed author cant really be a Creative Writing teacher, I don’t know what to do. I am scared to death of living, scared to death to fail.
Then there is the whole thing with Cody, The distance just makes me un interested in him every day. I try to text him, but he is just always busy. So I am not sure what to do. We connected and bonded when he was here, but having him so far away for so long, it kinda makes the fire die out. I am not sure what to do, he says that he is fine with me dating other people. I am not sure if I can even trust him, did I mention that he called Scott to hook up the DAY after we broke up? It was actually that night that we talked about just being friends, he moved on that quick just to “get some” Is that really the kind of person I should be striving to be with?
Where is the guy like me? The guy who grew up in the church, but all along secretly wondered what it would be like with a guy. And to actually pursue it. How many other guys went to church just because they were in love with the leader, or checked out guys at school. Where is the guy that isn’t obsessed with drugs or alcohol or partying? I mean sure I haven’t tried drinking, but does that really make life better? I love to go dancing and having fun, but not all the time. I want a guy that can sit down and have serious conversations, to have a NORMAL guy.
I’m slowly giving up on that perfect guy, I know that no one is perfect but what is so wrong with wanting something like that? I know that I will never meet my perfect guy, but I wonder if I’ll ever get that sign that says, “This is good as your going to get:” I know that sounds horrible to say. I just want to be happy, to not worry about anything in a relationship, that its so natural that were together it just…MAKES SENSE.
I know that if I keep waiting, then I’ll miss out on the really great guy in front of me. I am just thinking that my guy isn’t in the State of Utah.
I hope he is out there somewhere though, I just need to go with the steps first.
Get a job.
MOVE OUT
Go to school
GET THE HELL OUT OF SAINT GEORGE
Thank you for all for reading, if anyone still is out there.. I know I’m boring now…
I am sorry if my stupid family ever makes you feel bad,
I’m sorry E, I wish I could make my mom see things right, but we both know she just sees things at one angle, ONLY THE TOP OF THE SURFACE.
LOVE YOU,
-joshua
I just don’t!
The Warden is being this super bitch to my favorite cousin E,
She is being very judgmental and unfair, (the warden) but what else is new?
I just don’t want MY mom making her feel bad because she doesn’t deserve it! AT ALL.
What I hate the most is the cycle. It starts with me doing something that my mom doesn’t like, having someone over or hanging out with certain people or being past curfew or just about anything can set her off. Then she gets mad at me and she doesn’t talk to me, look at me for a couple days. Then she gets my sisters to talk to me and try to make me apologize to her, which I NEVER DO. And then my mom ends up sitting me down and crying the entire time, rattling off all sorts of drama bullshit. THEN she never listens to my side, then the conversation is over and she hugs me. THEN BAM. She is talking to me again, happy, bubbly, FAKE.
Its only a matter of time before something else happens and she turns into the vile, insane Bitch! The cycle goes over and over, I just need to get out of this house. What the hell am I still doing here? Oh…the no money…no job thing… Hm…I would rather be poor and living on the streets then here. I hate it.
If its not one thing its another with her, I will never make her happy, and now that we are going on a week long “Last family vacation” she is acting all bubbly and happy because she wants a happy trip. SCREW THAT.
My mom can be vile to me but she cant be that way to the people I care about, she cant assume things and be judgmental and rude to the people I love. Even though we are talking now, you just wait. I hope she knows that once I’m gone, IM GONE.
E has offered me to move in with them.. But I know that wouldn’t work. Mostly because.. IM LAZY, I mean I am trying to get a job now. But I feel if I moved in with them I’d be this huge burden, They are so amazing and I love them but I just don’t want to weigh them down like that. I just need to get a job so I can finally build up some money.. Ugh.. Does anyone know who is hiring?
I feel sick to my stomach living here.. I just need to get OUT.
I am so happy when I’m just out with my friends. Because I am happy.
I went to the airport again tonight.. I sat up and just stared out over the lights..
I wish I could just get away from here. Far away from this town, it seems so impossible, so overwhelmingly impossible. One of my very good friends are planning to move to Chicago! How exciting would that be? To find a place and just GO FOR IT. She has big plans and she is super successful so I know she can make it anywhere, but to see a dream and just go for it… It’s just amazing!
I want to be a writer, I only have a couple written stories that aren’t very long. I wonder I could just combine them all. Have a short story book and have it sell a lot, but I’m not sure it even would, I just wish I knew where to start, who to send it to, when and where and for how much. Its another overwhelmingly impossible thing that seems to grow into more of a fantasy then a reality. It’s so frustrating to see authors my age getting books out, how did they get their start? Does the fact that I can only write short stories make it a stupid dream to seek after, I’ve always wanted to go into Barnes and Noble and see my book on the shelf.
That would be the coolest thing ever! Except the downside to writing a book, some people might love it, but what if it doesn’t sell? What if my book is like the many I’ve seen go straight to dollar bins or discount stores. What if instead of having lines at an autograph table, im the one with no one at mine.
I don’t know what’s more frustrating or scary… Wondering about your dream, planning it out in your head and failing or succeeding.. Or ACTUALLY trying to achieve your dream, your life-long dream..and have it crash and burn.
What would I do with my life then? A failed author cant really be a Creative Writing teacher, I don’t know what to do. I am scared to death of living, scared to death to fail.
Then there is the whole thing with Cody, The distance just makes me un interested in him every day. I try to text him, but he is just always busy. So I am not sure what to do. We connected and bonded when he was here, but having him so far away for so long, it kinda makes the fire die out. I am not sure what to do, he says that he is fine with me dating other people. I am not sure if I can even trust him, did I mention that he called Scott to hook up the DAY after we broke up? It was actually that night that we talked about just being friends, he moved on that quick just to “get some” Is that really the kind of person I should be striving to be with?
Where is the guy like me? The guy who grew up in the church, but all along secretly wondered what it would be like with a guy. And to actually pursue it. How many other guys went to church just because they were in love with the leader, or checked out guys at school. Where is the guy that isn’t obsessed with drugs or alcohol or partying? I mean sure I haven’t tried drinking, but does that really make life better? I love to go dancing and having fun, but not all the time. I want a guy that can sit down and have serious conversations, to have a NORMAL guy.
I’m slowly giving up on that perfect guy, I know that no one is perfect but what is so wrong with wanting something like that? I know that I will never meet my perfect guy, but I wonder if I’ll ever get that sign that says, “This is good as your going to get:” I know that sounds horrible to say. I just want to be happy, to not worry about anything in a relationship, that its so natural that were together it just…MAKES SENSE.
I know that if I keep waiting, then I’ll miss out on the really great guy in front of me. I am just thinking that my guy isn’t in the State of Utah.
I hope he is out there somewhere though, I just need to go with the steps first.
Get a job.
MOVE OUT
Go to school
GET THE HELL OUT OF SAINT GEORGE
Thank you for all for reading, if anyone still is out there.. I know I’m boring now…
I am sorry if my stupid family ever makes you feel bad,
I’m sorry E, I wish I could make my mom see things right, but we both know she just sees things at one angle, ONLY THE TOP OF THE SURFACE.
LOVE YOU,
-joshua
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)