Alright to start off... SO SORRY for that last post!
I don't know what goes through my head sometimes, (besides death, vampires, Johnny Depp and Twilight references) But seriously... I do not think things through, I woke up all freaked out and was like, "I'm gonna go write down my dream.."
What an idiot!
So just skip over it.. I don't have it in me to erase it because it took forever to type..ha...
I just wanted to cover a topic that I cover often, so i'm sorry dear readers who tune in and listen to my garbled messages on how my life sucks, or how much.. BLAH BLAH FREAKING BLAH,
I was just thinking today.
Some people think heartache just...fades, or when you find someone new it gets replaced by butterflies and rainbows and happiness...but lately it seems that the heartache I feel just echoes.... Taking up my entire body until I can psychically feel it...Like I can run away from it throughout the day, but when it comes time to lay down I can feel it echoing back to me, back into my head.
Love has always been super confusing for me, I find guys that just aren't good matches for me... True Cody does like me, and tell me he will wait for me, but I dont want him waiting around for me, because when I look at him, I just think of him as a very nice friend, and maybe someone I could go on fun dates with, I'm not sure we really WORK as boyfriends...
Gavin was just a stupid idea, Nothing happened, and nothing will.
I look around and I see the happy couples around me, there are guys my age engaged to their boyfriends, Everyone out there seems so happy...
I know I shouldn't be reaching this far into the past.. not that its that far... but.. To my old leader.. The one who I loved for SO MANY YEARS... He and his wife had another baby, She's adorable! Strange how he will go through life not knowing how much he meant to me, that he just... picked up and moved with his family and didn't know anything... Didn't know how sad I was when he moved... How many times I went to Church activities because of him... How many Days where he noticed my haircut or a new tie when no one else did.. .
Why am I even spending time on this? I shouldn't be dwelling in the past... Thats all that my family does... Always in the past and afraid to live in the present, and scared of the future....
I guess I am just like them in that way, I am constantly looking back at the past and being sad about it... but i'm working on it, just let me whine and just sit there and read it. On second thought, You shouldn't even be reading this.. I'm just being lame..
I just woke up yesterday and I just missed Josh... The echo of the heartache I feel whenever he would smile at me, or go out of his way just to notice me and talk to me, My heart would be fluttering but my brain and the voice of reason would quickly fill my head and I would remember that after church he would go home to his wife, (who was insanely beautiful) and his cute baby girl...
I would go home to my room and just lay on my bed and just stare up at the ceiling, silently crying over how he would never look at me the same way, how I wanted someone to notice me, to Love me.
I didn't like waking up hollow again, feeling the memory of Josh inside my head... I wanted to get up right then and e-mail him, ask him how his family is doing or how is new job is coming, but that wouldn't help... THAT WOULDN'T help ANYTHING... I swore to myself that when he moved I would stop bugging him, stop trying to interfere with his life... He married his high school sweet heart! THey have two kids together, A very happy family...
OKAY IM SHUTTING UP ABOUT HIM NOW.... All the time wasted on wanting and wishing....I'm a loser....
I have my good days and I have my bad days... I can be happy most of the time.. but when I really start listening to all the echos of sadness, all the thoughts and regrets.. it just...makes me feel horrible... Okay...im done.... DONE Talking about all of this.. I started writing this post with something really in depth, I wanted to just....tell people.... I dont know... all I do is complain... so i'm sorry..
Thanks for reading this pointless post...
-joshua
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
My nightmare
I am not really sure why I am even typing this out... I shouldn't be boring any of you by reading my weird-o nightmares...but I just felt like typing so.. GET OVER IT..
I hope I can get down the detail I saw, the pain that I saw.. some parts might sound cheesy, it was one of those "You had to be there" moments, though i'm sure you wouldn't want to.
Here I go,
I wasn't sure what city I was in, but I know that it was changed from what I knew of it now. Old, run-down buildings, the streets filled with... Get ready..and dont laugh! .... Vampires...
Don't get me wrong, I love vampires, I am in LOOVE with Edward Cullen, but I mean... these vampires were just....blood thirsty, crazy Vamps, and I was one of the few that longed for a change for the better....
I knew I was different. I was in a city of vampires and part of me just knew that I was different from them, a new breed that I would have to keep quiet about. I knew I was a vampire, but I was mixed with something else.
I was carrying a little baby boy, I’m thinking now that he was special too. I was in a tower looking over the city who was frantically looking for “the traitor”. I kept trying to teach the little boy magic, which I guess I had. I put out my hand a little fire butterfly shot out and lit up the dark room we were in, I put my other hand out and a sword shot out and cracked against the walls and disappeared .
The baby ( I refer to him as The child or The Baby, But he looked about 6 years old..) laughed and clapped, I was trying to get him to focus.
“We have to hurry, they will get here soon.”
He looked almost sorry.
I held him close and told him I would protect him, some how I knew that if I got him to the boundary of the city that he would be safe.
I set him down and went over to the window, staying in the shadows of the abandoned building that I was in. I reached out my hand and felt a kind of block that was round the window, I guess that I had cast some spell that would keep the Vampires out without even knowing it.
“We have to get going…”
I said and I saw one of the leader vampires walking through the streets.
(He looked like a very scary Johnny Depp)
I looked down and saw a brown-haired vampire with bouncy curls walking up the path to the building I was in, I could see her reaching out, feeling nothing but knowing she couldn’t pass. She tilted her head to the side and suddenly jerked her head up and looked directly at me.
She opened her mouth in shock, it quickly turned to a grin. She looked back at the “bubble” that she couldn’t see and closed her eyes and started mumbling something. The air was suddenly let back into the room, the intense noise flooded and echoed into the room and scared the little baby. She had broken the barrier and she knew what I was hiding.
I picked him up and dove out the window and fell into the courtyard. I ran into a back ally without looking back, flying off walls and jumping over barriers.
I stopped panicked, it was silent. The fighting was so far behind me that it was deadly quiet, I turned and the brown-haired vampire was standing right in front of me, smiling.
“You have the child?” She asked looked over at him, and the baby looked away.
“Gabby, leave us alone, you know this is wrong!” I screamed, my voice sounding dark and frightened, not for me, but for the innocent child on my back.
“I suppose…that I could…” She started and she suddenly lunged for the child, and he screamed.
I grabbed her by the throat and threw her back into the wall. She froze and looked up at the sky, I almost followed her gaze because her eyes had glazed over.
“MAAASTER!!!” She screamed and I lunged at her but I was too late, I heard screaming from all around me and the sky grew even more black.
I set the child down, knowing that I’d be killed.
“Run! I need you to run as fast as you can, get out of the city. Find someone to take care of you!”
He reached up for me again. I pushed him away and pointed to the open spot in the ally, and he started towards it cautiously.
“You know he is over 50 years old…He is a very new breed. Part human, part vampire, part witch.” I looked over and saw Gabby staring towards the child.
She bared her fangs and jumped towards him and I caught her, and without thinking, plunged my teeth into her neck. I regretted this as soon as I’d done is, I somehow knew that if a vampire bites another vampire its like drinking poison. It not only kills the vampire bitten, but the biter as well.
Gabby screamed and clawed and tried to get away, I kept drinking the blood and it burned my throat, it felt like acid. I broke free and my lips burned, I quickly wiped away the blood that tasted horrible. She fell to the ground screaming, and pointing at me. I looked up and saw that the child had vanished.
I hoped and I prayed that he was okay, the dizziness took over and I sat down at the pavement. I looked over at Gabby who was still writhing, I knew that I would die the quickest of the two.
“What…the hell… is this?” The vampire who looked like Johnny Depp asked.
Gabby shrieked and pointed at me, I looked up at him and tried to focus. The blood at entered my system and it was slowly shutting everything down, I could feel it.
“She…found the child, and I was trying to take it from her and she wouldn’t… so I bit her.”
He nodded and looked from me to Gabby, she was shaking her head but shaking so violently that you couldn’t distinguish between the two.
“You do know that your dying from biting her…” He asked me.
“Yes.” I said, feeling stupid when I realized that I could have done ANYTHING else.
He nodded again seeming to feel impressed.
He pointed at me and I could feel the strength returning in my feet, in my arms.
“Take her, and follow me.” He commanded and I followed. I looked back once to wear the little boy had been, I looked up to the sky and just said, “Please.”
I carried Gabby back through the square, everyone gathered around pointing at Gabby and screaming, “Traitor!” I closed my eyes and followed the lead vampire.
We went through several passageways, down into the depths of whatever building that had chosen for their lair.
“Leave her here.” He said.
I set her down and she looked up at me choking and unable to talk. I followed the lead Vampire to another room where a box lay in the middle of the room. I looked over at him and he circled the box smiling,
“Your age of courage will not go unnoticed.” he said boldly, his voice coming from all sides.
The box started to shake violently, I took a few steps and I was right next to it. The lead vampire smiled and knocked on the box a few times.
“Your award for such noble doings, though you are slowly dieing and was unable to catch the child…” He trailed off, lifted up one side of the bow. “…I did.” He tugged at the bow and the box disappeared with gold dust and smoke.
The child sat bound, sitting and staring up at me. I clenched my fists to my side, trying to keep calm. The lead vampire looked over at the child and back over to me and furrowed his brow. “Have you…met?” He asked noticing the look in the child’s eyes, looking to me to save him.
My mind was reeling, I opened my mouth to speak but horrible screams from the other room flooded the hall. “He is a liar! He is a liar MASTER! Don’t believe him, he was with the child! He bit me to protect the child, don’t be fooled!” The feeling in the room changed. I looked at the child and at the lead vampire who’s turned into a menacing, pained scowl.
The child reached up for me and I quickly picked him up and headed for the door, I was quickly thrown back into the wall. I cradled the child in my arms and I took the hard, crushing wall to my back. I fell to the ground and set him down, ready to fight. I could feel my strength leaving, the poison taking over again.
“How dare you lie to me!” He screamed and charged after me throwing me back against the wall. I looked down at The child and motioned him to run, he held up his hands and bursts of light flew out and surrounded the Master vampire. He flew back against the oppisite wall, I could feel something ignite within me. Something that made me the strongest I’ve ever felt,
“Your father would be very proud of you.” I said and the child smiled. The lead vampire stood up and quickly walked over to me. I knew that if I could bite him, then he would be weakened enough, I focused in on his neck and lunched forward. I screamed as another lead vampire entered the room, I looked over at the child who was crouched and ready to fight. “Wake up!” I screamed, and everything slowed. “WAKE UP!”
I sat up in my bed crying out, “wake up.” and gasping.
Looking back over that, I'm not sure if he was my Son and I was telling him that his father, my husband would be proud of him...lol I'm not sure.. but... Yay for Vampire Gay Marriage... ;)
Anyway, you all reading probably think i'm crazy or have an overactive imagination, but I woke up feeling horrible that I couldn't save that boy, my son, or who ever he was to me.
Some part of me (probably the part of my brain that thinks too hard) thinks that maybe the dream is symbolism for society not wanting me to have a child because "im different" or maybe not society but my Insane-O mom and family, I dont know, just I think they might be connected.... who knows... anyway SORRY TO BORE YOU WITH THAT!
Love ya! Thanks for reading my thoughts and ideas, my complaints and so on and so forth...
Thursday, March 25, 2010
I want... I want... I want... too much?
Hello there!
BAM! Midnight!
As usual I can't sleep... what is the point of going to bet at a decent time when it doesn't really matter most of the time... ya sure.. Lately the Warden wakes me up super early to start job hunting.. but whatever..
I've only turned in like 50 applications this month, and 6 in one day yesterday... I mean I just dont have any job experience.. I was a sophmore (i think) or maybe a junior.. when I got my first job... I feel stupid filling out the applications because I don't remember any supervisor names or numbers so I just put down those as blanks...
I mean no one wants to hire a no nothing idiot! ...Anway
I think the Warden might be hiding my mail, Cody supposedly sent this very long love letter, detailed with how he wanted to be together forever.. I mean I don't want to sound harsh but I kinda pushed him out of my head because ... He lives too far, he never visits, he's always busy! So what is the point in him being my boyfriend when I only hear from him once a day through text?
Bleh!
Gavin isn't even an option because he lives too far away and hes too much a partier...a very sweet, cute guy...but I feel like he would be too wild.. that he IS too wild I dont know
I want to publish a book... I want to be a famous author...
I have written Ellen Degeneres but apparently people have more "important" problems... She answered a letter today asking Ellen what kind of shoes she wore...or something like that.. like....okay.... Answer a question about shoes but when a Gay guy writes in asking to meet Matt Dallas and wondering how he can be a published author it..gets.. thrown away? lol Yes my request might be selfish... but I mean come one! SHOES?
I was randomly searching the net when I saw that one of my favorite books "Unwind" by Neal Shusterman (who totally was rude about the time I asked for Author and publishing advice....harumph!)
Anyway its going to be a movie and I am going to watch for auditions and i'm going to go try out, there's also a competition to see "Who deserves to go hang around the set" You had to write how much you loved the book or whatever and then you had to design t-shirts about the book.
I designed 3 front and back shirts and set them in... Can't wait to hear back.... One of the producers ACTUALLY e-mailed me right back (when I just did the writing part) and told me to keep watching the blog on their websites for casting call Dates.... I mean its a super long shot... but it would be fun to at least say I got to be in the movie like... One of the people in the backround walking or ... SOMETHING! lol
I want a job. I want to move out.. I mean I know I have a roof over my head, a cellphone, blah blah blah.. but I'd trade it to just be living on my own somewhere..NOT HERE...
The warden is constantly asking what kind of music i'm listening to, making sure it has NO GAY THEMES.... she checks what i'm watching, my Itunes, Blah blah blah blah blah... Hey Mom Go ahead and look at my huge wall of shirtless guys in my room! BLEH!
I mean there are so many things my sister (not to throw any one under the bus but since i've been thrown under OVER AND OVER) My sister and her scummy boyfriend smoke and hack and smoke, my younger sister can be pretty vulgar, she is obsessed with those "C.S.I." shows that has blood and gore but OOH! as long as no one is Gay then their fine... That is MESSED UP! So I have to watch what I say but my sister (both younger and older) can do and say whatever they want?
My little sister always calls me "Hey Homo," or, "Hey.. Ya HOMOSEXUAL" I mean yes, I am Gay, but I dont like being to called that in place of my name... it isn't right! Oh but of course since she's dating a boy now, and shes straight then she gets to say whatever the hell she wants... just...dandy..
I gave my blog link out to a complete stranger over Post Secrets Community, we have been talking and she seemed to understand secrets and secret life... So I decided to share it with her, she hasn't responded....probably got tired of the depressing content...
I've been told I should change my font colors and backround color... I don't want any of you "Drowning in Red Text" so those of you that keep reading, let me know how I should change my blog...because I'm the one writing them... I rarely read them (that's where all the grammar and spelling mistakes occur) So I apologize for the Endless Red.
Woah I got dizzy all of a sudden... I think i'm done blogging for the night.. sorry that it was pointless... Just a huge, detailed blabberfest on how I want...a lot of things in the world....
1. One being Matt Dallas ;)
2. A role in a major movie (Unwind, Breaking Dawn... etc..)
3. To be a published Author
4. To get a job!
5. To move away from Hell House and Warden's Horribleness
6. Meet a very nice, normal guy (If Matt Dallas doesnt work out) ;)
hm... is that all...
That's all I can think.. but the content is pretty intense and far fetched... ah well..
OH! Quick Book-Talk
I read "The Vast Fields of Ordinary" by Nick Burd
It was actually really depressing.. I don't know if i've already talked about this.. or maybe I dreamt I blogged of this (you know your insane when you have dreams where you blog)
Anyway, its about a Teenager named Dade (no not Dave... DADE) And how he hates high school, he's a senior and he is going off to college at the end of the summer, he has a very rude "friend" named Paulo (or something) That they are constantly "hooking up" Dade is Gay, and knows it. Paulo just likes... Being with Guys.. AND girls, but he is "totally straight" Wow.. I've heard that before... Paulo treats Dade like dirt day after day, and when Paulo wants to hook up, Dade gives in and then the cycle continues...wow..haven't felt that before... The feeling and thoughts where
"Just give him one more chance to redeem himself....He will love me eventually" Yeah... wow...Scarily Accurate to how i've felt. Oh! I was going to quote a Phone Conversation that they had... Because I had the SAME one with....Alex....Bleh!
Maybe its too personal.. or maybe you'll think i'm totally dumb for giving in..but to see my phone conversation on that page....*shudders* I didnt know I could be that stupid, and gullible! Let me find it.. hmm....
( I couldn't find the actual page number...so i'm going to paraphrase.)
I suddenly got a text that jolted me from my sleep
"You sleeping?" He asked.
"It's 3 A.M." I said. "What do you think?"
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"I need to see you" He replied
"Why"
"Use your imagination."
"Its late, i'm not going anywhere"
"Oh come on... see ya soon?"
"On my way"
Yeah...after reading that I was like....HOLY SH*T! Someone has been reading my life and making a book out of it, so many times, so many times in the book. Dade was pushed to the side so Paulo could act straight in front of certain friends, and sometimes he would deny their encounters all together...ANYWAY .. You will just have to read the book to see what happens... I don't mean to dwell on the likes of ALEX...he isn't worth anyones times...but just reading those pages, reading how lonely and confused Dade felt...Talking to his ceiling fan or reflection, practicing "I'm Gay Mom and Dad." "I'm Gay" I mean..wow... Such a book that makes you remember a lot of stuff... whether you want to or not...
OKAY.. NOOW i'm done blabbing..
I am still trying to figure out how to put a MP3 of myself reading this...though now that I think about it...is a dumb idea.. let me know what you think...
Thank you for reading, if anyone still is...
ECHO!! (Eccho....echho.....ecchoo....)...ah well...
Sincerely,
Joshua
BAM! Midnight!
As usual I can't sleep... what is the point of going to bet at a decent time when it doesn't really matter most of the time... ya sure.. Lately the Warden wakes me up super early to start job hunting.. but whatever..
I've only turned in like 50 applications this month, and 6 in one day yesterday... I mean I just dont have any job experience.. I was a sophmore (i think) or maybe a junior.. when I got my first job... I feel stupid filling out the applications because I don't remember any supervisor names or numbers so I just put down those as blanks...
I mean no one wants to hire a no nothing idiot! ...Anway
I think the Warden might be hiding my mail, Cody supposedly sent this very long love letter, detailed with how he wanted to be together forever.. I mean I don't want to sound harsh but I kinda pushed him out of my head because ... He lives too far, he never visits, he's always busy! So what is the point in him being my boyfriend when I only hear from him once a day through text?
Bleh!
Gavin isn't even an option because he lives too far away and hes too much a partier...a very sweet, cute guy...but I feel like he would be too wild.. that he IS too wild I dont know
I want to publish a book... I want to be a famous author...
I have written Ellen Degeneres but apparently people have more "important" problems... She answered a letter today asking Ellen what kind of shoes she wore...or something like that.. like....okay.... Answer a question about shoes but when a Gay guy writes in asking to meet Matt Dallas and wondering how he can be a published author it..gets.. thrown away? lol Yes my request might be selfish... but I mean come one! SHOES?
I was randomly searching the net when I saw that one of my favorite books "Unwind" by Neal Shusterman (who totally was rude about the time I asked for Author and publishing advice....harumph!)
Anyway its going to be a movie and I am going to watch for auditions and i'm going to go try out, there's also a competition to see "Who deserves to go hang around the set" You had to write how much you loved the book or whatever and then you had to design t-shirts about the book.
I designed 3 front and back shirts and set them in... Can't wait to hear back.... One of the producers ACTUALLY e-mailed me right back (when I just did the writing part) and told me to keep watching the blog on their websites for casting call Dates.... I mean its a super long shot... but it would be fun to at least say I got to be in the movie like... One of the people in the backround walking or ... SOMETHING! lol
I want a job. I want to move out.. I mean I know I have a roof over my head, a cellphone, blah blah blah.. but I'd trade it to just be living on my own somewhere..NOT HERE...
The warden is constantly asking what kind of music i'm listening to, making sure it has NO GAY THEMES.... she checks what i'm watching, my Itunes, Blah blah blah blah blah... Hey Mom Go ahead and look at my huge wall of shirtless guys in my room! BLEH!
I mean there are so many things my sister (not to throw any one under the bus but since i've been thrown under OVER AND OVER) My sister and her scummy boyfriend smoke and hack and smoke, my younger sister can be pretty vulgar, she is obsessed with those "C.S.I." shows that has blood and gore but OOH! as long as no one is Gay then their fine... That is MESSED UP! So I have to watch what I say but my sister (both younger and older) can do and say whatever they want?
My little sister always calls me "Hey Homo," or, "Hey.. Ya HOMOSEXUAL" I mean yes, I am Gay, but I dont like being to called that in place of my name... it isn't right! Oh but of course since she's dating a boy now, and shes straight then she gets to say whatever the hell she wants... just...dandy..
I gave my blog link out to a complete stranger over Post Secrets Community, we have been talking and she seemed to understand secrets and secret life... So I decided to share it with her, she hasn't responded....probably got tired of the depressing content...
I've been told I should change my font colors and backround color... I don't want any of you "Drowning in Red Text" so those of you that keep reading, let me know how I should change my blog...because I'm the one writing them... I rarely read them (that's where all the grammar and spelling mistakes occur) So I apologize for the Endless Red.
Woah I got dizzy all of a sudden... I think i'm done blogging for the night.. sorry that it was pointless... Just a huge, detailed blabberfest on how I want...a lot of things in the world....
1. One being Matt Dallas ;)
2. A role in a major movie (Unwind, Breaking Dawn... etc..)
3. To be a published Author
4. To get a job!
5. To move away from Hell House and Warden's Horribleness
6. Meet a very nice, normal guy (If Matt Dallas doesnt work out) ;)
hm... is that all...
That's all I can think.. but the content is pretty intense and far fetched... ah well..
OH! Quick Book-Talk
I read "The Vast Fields of Ordinary" by Nick Burd
It was actually really depressing.. I don't know if i've already talked about this.. or maybe I dreamt I blogged of this (you know your insane when you have dreams where you blog)
Anyway, its about a Teenager named Dade (no not Dave... DADE) And how he hates high school, he's a senior and he is going off to college at the end of the summer, he has a very rude "friend" named Paulo (or something) That they are constantly "hooking up" Dade is Gay, and knows it. Paulo just likes... Being with Guys.. AND girls, but he is "totally straight" Wow.. I've heard that before... Paulo treats Dade like dirt day after day, and when Paulo wants to hook up, Dade gives in and then the cycle continues...wow..haven't felt that before... The feeling and thoughts where
"Just give him one more chance to redeem himself....He will love me eventually" Yeah... wow...Scarily Accurate to how i've felt. Oh! I was going to quote a Phone Conversation that they had... Because I had the SAME one with....Alex....Bleh!
Maybe its too personal.. or maybe you'll think i'm totally dumb for giving in..but to see my phone conversation on that page....*shudders* I didnt know I could be that stupid, and gullible! Let me find it.. hmm....
( I couldn't find the actual page number...so i'm going to paraphrase.)
I suddenly got a text that jolted me from my sleep
"You sleeping?" He asked.
"It's 3 A.M." I said. "What do you think?"
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"I need to see you" He replied
"Why"
"Use your imagination."
"Its late, i'm not going anywhere"
"Oh come on... see ya soon?"
"On my way"
Yeah...after reading that I was like....HOLY SH*T! Someone has been reading my life and making a book out of it, so many times, so many times in the book. Dade was pushed to the side so Paulo could act straight in front of certain friends, and sometimes he would deny their encounters all together...ANYWAY .. You will just have to read the book to see what happens... I don't mean to dwell on the likes of ALEX...he isn't worth anyones times...but just reading those pages, reading how lonely and confused Dade felt...Talking to his ceiling fan or reflection, practicing "I'm Gay Mom and Dad." "I'm Gay" I mean..wow... Such a book that makes you remember a lot of stuff... whether you want to or not...
OKAY.. NOOW i'm done blabbing..
I am still trying to figure out how to put a MP3 of myself reading this...though now that I think about it...is a dumb idea.. let me know what you think...
Thank you for reading, if anyone still is...
ECHO!! (Eccho....echho.....ecchoo....)...ah well...
Sincerely,
Joshua
Saturday, March 20, 2010
The Disneyland Trip
(Sorry in advance for the whacky spacing, I started writing this blog as a Phone Note, so I'll do my best to space it out like normal...wont be doing that again! Lol)
Being alone on the happiest places on Earth is just about as fun as it sounds... True.. It was my fault for wandering around alone... But you have to realize the people im going with...
True Disney is an "all about family" place...
The thing is that my family are not good company...most of the time, I hope no one reading thinks im a horrible person, but to those that know my family...know that they are nothing but judgemental and rude to anyone outside of their bubble... The funny/strange thing about my family is.. They think Gay Men, and Women are abnormal and the whole lifestyle is wrong and twisted..when in reality THEY are the twisted ones!
I mean my sister never steps in, she sits back and watches fights unfold and just stands there, my other sister does whatever he Whitetrash boyfriend tell her too! Do you know they laugh the same now? That they almost dress the same? I remember my old sister, I remember her old attitude, style, laugh, creativeness! Not many of her friends now never knew that she was a Bug collector, me and her used to ride bikes down at the school, she taught me how to go down this huge hill when I was like 8! I miss the old Kate, The one I see all the time now is just a hollow version, Ty hollowed her out and now shes just like him, empty.
I hope no one thinks i'm being too harsh..but its hard to see someone change so much right in front of your eyes.
My other sister (who is younger) is constantly making weird noises, saying strange things, and maybe she feels left out, that she feels like no one is paying attention to her, but its so hard to sit down and have a normal convo with her when she doesn't even try~!
We arrived in California on Monday afternoon, My first plane ride.. I planned it out in my head to be this awesome experience, that I would get there and id be sat by some random, amazing person and we would talk the whole flight! ...Ha...silly right?
But we got there and I got to sit next to a very Homophobic Asshole Which of course was super!(He turned to look at me and smiled and held out his hand and I shook it, he then saw my Gay Pride bracelet and didn't say a word to me the whole flight, he wouldn't even look at me! He sat and talked with the guy that he didn't know right next to him...
ANYWAY!!!!!!! >>>>>> An hour later we got to our hotel, its pretty nice. My sister >>>>>> Kate and her boyfriend Ty were waiting at our hotel,
Ty was just as rude and loud since I saw him last, nothing changes with him..
Melissa and her fam got there a couple hours later and Monday flew by,
Tuesday was our first day in Disneyland, My Mom cried a good half of the time, missing my Dad, then that got everyone else crying saying how they wished he was here, that we would have to go on all of his favorite rides.. Does it make me heartless to just get weak and try to shut out the memories or stories!? I mean I miss him too!!! But if u fill up your life with nothing but memories of someone gone, then pretty soon that's all u think about, and all the time spent living in the present is pointless if u dwell in the past...
AnYway Tuesday was no different,Filled with my family wanting me to spend every second together, I know we came for the last time as a family.. But I can't stand my family sometimes, The times where I want to be with them, they say or do something that..just drive me away. The only good part about Tuesday was getting an icecream...Haha I was walking behind Melissa and her husband when I saw a really cute guy working at the icecream stand, It got that heart racing, hands shaking feeling, he was gorgeous! So of course I walked right by because a guy like that wouldn't be into me, And I knew the odds are of him being Gay were pretty slim,
But I told myself to turn around and I went back.. I don't remember what I ordered but I know I stumbled up and I smiled at him, His name...which now I feel bad about... was either Daniel or Dave... Ha I wasn't paying attention because I was nervous! (Im not a very good at flirting...and wouldn't know how to even recover if he was actually straight or if I got rejected...) But anyway, he had a very nice smile and while getting my icecream said something to one of the other girls and that's when I could totally tell he was Gay lol, Now my Gaydar sucks...most of the time...but I could tell..I got my icecream smiled at him and I......walked off.....What an idiot!!!
I did go back for a spoon about 10 seconds later, my heart was racing too fast...I should have said something! Damnit! IM sorry for telling that incredibly horrible story on how I was a chicken....I COULD HAVE JUST SAID....SOMETHING! So I walked away and... I just can't get that out of my head....the moment keeps replying in my head, I told myself that I would have a second chance, that I could find him later, that I could ask him for his number then, I assured myself that everything would be fine, that id find him and maybe we wouldn't end up in a relationship one day... But... I don't have a lot of Gay friends...living on Narrow Minded Ville Utah...So it would have been nice to know someone outside, someone normal.. I feel horrible and empty when the moment keeps playing, Play.Pause. Rewind....Play.. Pause...rewind...Over and over... And im like one of those people in a scary movie screaming "Turn around! Turn around! Goooo the other way!"
A couple days passed.. And I didn't see him again, (side story coming up....) Sorry! But I didn't really know when to add this part in but.....I got to meet TORI SPELLING! She is so amazing, and funny! We were sitting at Goofy's kitchen and I was trying to smile and put on a show so my family would leave me alone (I don't like being seen with them because I want guys to actually look at me! Haha Anyway!) so we went and the whole "dining with the Disney Characters was interesting... Maybe I just wasn't in the mood hearing my brother -in law talk my ear off about something that probably didn't matter at the time, or at all. The characters coming over and messing with us, flicking me or waving and it was kinda hard to eat and deal with their out of controllness.. but...
I liked to watch the tables around and see how little kids react to seeing Goofy, Micky or whoever else was going to show up.. The food was super good!
Well anyway (Now for the moment and meeting that made my week! (This was Wednesday I thinkkk) I went to get a plate when I looked over to a couple of tables over and saw Tori Spelling, Her Cute husband Dean just.. Chatting it up with their cute kids! I almost had a heart attack!
I Loved their TV show! They are so cute together! I loved watching their show because I wanted to be like them, Tori is super talented and funny and Dean is very sweet and level headed! I also looooved Tori's Gay friends because I wanted to be them lol ,
To just be able to do and say what u want... To be free from narrow minded people... Its nice to have a little look out the "bubble" once in a while and see that the rest of the world is normal and my Mom and her rules are the insane, and stupid..
I got Tori's autograph and I gave her a copy of my blog address..I didn't want to because I felt totally stupid, I didn't want to bother her at dinner, and I didn't want to be those idiots that are always bugging celebs, I don't expect her to even look at this, its nothing more ramblings of a depressed 18 year old... Haha.. I just thought she'd understand having gay friends, that these random posts are my life, my venting place...
So Tori, if your ever reading this, Thanks for being amazing and awesome! Thanks for being so nice to me :D And if she never reads it... I won't ever know, so I guess that's alright
>>>>>>>>>> fast forward to my laaast day at "The Happiest Place On Earth" My family was evenly paired with my cousins and I was the odd man out, so I was lucky enough to wander around the park by myself yet again, the past couple days.. I have tried to catch a cute guys eye, Not that I would ever have the courage for any number asking or talking... I could at least look at all the California Hotties, I never found "Icecream Guy" though I wonder if I would have actually done anything if I saw him.. So I just wandered around and I eventually ended up at Haunted Mansion! I rode it 10 times in a row, getting on the ride behind people who loved the ride, people who hated it, First timers, frequent riders, Parents, Scared kids, Annoying kids, teens, Russians, Germans, Italians so many paths, stories so many people!! Thousands of thousands of people throughout the park, 1st visits, Old couples who had never been to Disneyland. The look on a little boy's face who was wearing a "1st visit" button that just spotted Buzz LightYear, it was all just amazing to watch! I sat next to so many people that didn't know me, so many people that shared the same likes, dislikes that I wanted to get to know! I hope that doesn't make me sound weird but I just wanted to meet everyone! The family got together and rode Space Mountain one last time, then we boarded the train back to Frontier Land,Standing behind us in line was a guy wearing a tight hott shirt, cool pants and had darkish hair with a pink part in it and we turned out and at the same time said, "I like your hair!" Haha we then boarded on different sides of the train and I wanted to go sit with him and his friends, he was sitting by a girl and I thought they maaaybe they were together, (remember my Gaydar isn't that great....yeahh...)
So I just rode the train and at every stop that wasn't Ours, hoping that he wouldn't get off on another stop, after all I was with my family and my very churchy cousins, I couldn't very well get up and off the train to chase after a guy! So when our stop came, I saw him and his friends get off and I booked (i've just realized that I've used the word 'Booked' a lot.. I guess its my word of the week! )So anyway... I raced after them! I can't even remember what I said to my family but I walked passed the Pink Haired guy and I smiled and tried to look sexy (which is almost impossible for me) and he smiled and waved, I then got clear down the block and my SUPER COOL COUSIN E's voice
" (The voice of Get off your ass and take a leap!)" (the same voice that got me up to get Tori Spellings autograph and a copy of my Blog) Which is actually kinda crazy because when I first came out to her she has always reminded me of Tori Spelling, and she would always say "Oh my gosh, I'm Tory and your one of my Way Cool Gay Best Friends" Ha so actually meeting Tori I just wanted to Hug her! And I did! lol I hope she picked up the vibe that I wasn't like stalking her or something lol, I tend to always play back convo's in my head and just rewind and listen to them again and if I find out I said something stupid.. I torture myself by playing it over and over...haha... So hopefully I didnt make a complete fool of myself......
Anyway back to my MAN story ;) So I stopped and turned around, I gritted my teeth and started walking back towards him, and he was almost caught up with me, "My friends are being Lame..." he said.
"Oh im sorry, haha..." I said, actually shocked that he just started talking like we had been friends for years
"Hm..which way is Splash Mountain..?." He asked looking around
."I think its over that way, im headed to haunted mansion" (because I was trying to be flirty and maybe have him ride it with me.
"Are u from here?" He asked not picking up on my hint taht I guess wasnt so hinty
"Nope..im from saint george Utah" I said smiling.
"Oh! Im from Salt Lake"
We then flirted it up for a little bit more when he smiled and said, "well is should get back to my friends, here's my number, call me if u ever want to come visit me in salt lake!" I had waited my entire vacation to meet someone! ! I tried so many times, but I guess im just not that great looking but thats right, Lol I got my Vacation Cutie a couple mins before Midnight,
He invited me back to their hotel for a party, and I almost went.. thinking that this one time I could do something crazy and fun and just GO! But my voice of reason (E) talked me out of it, and I'm so glad she did lol, apparently my random Cutie is a big partier, he drinks and smokes, and DONT GET ME WRONG! I know people who drink, I know people that smoke but.. 1. Kissing a smoker is never fun.. 2. Its super bad for you! 3. I have asthma..so Smoking would make it hard for me to breathe, And the fact that he parties isnt a turn off, I just havent ever drank! Not once! I am going to be 19 next month and I haven't drinken anything with Alcohol, but i've wanted to! lol So I ended up not going. and He is still texting me.
I just want to meet a guy like me! Sometimes I feel so different from all the other Gay Guys I know, I mean am I broken? I feel like something inside of me is broken, so I dont want to go out drinking or smoking or sleeping with guy after guy.. is there a Gay guy out there for me that is classy and can date and not be all about sex! I mean Cody is still into me, but I just dont see it working out with me, even on our first date he joked round having a threesome.. I just want a normal guy, not a huge partier, not to beautiful looking so I dont feel bad! lol I just need to hit the gym again.. I get so depressed that I get to tired to even try to get in shape..
Alright, well there was my week, of course there was much more lonely things that happened, or comments or teasing throughout the week, but there are way too many stories to write over a blog, this one is long enough! Feel free to email me if you want, here is my "Joshwah Email" Email with any questions.... or concerns , (josh_wah2009@hotmail.com)
Love you all! thanks for reading!
Oh and E! Thanks for the laughs tonight! I haven't laughed that much all week! I needed it!
love, Joshua!
Being alone on the happiest places on Earth is just about as fun as it sounds... True.. It was my fault for wandering around alone... But you have to realize the people im going with...
True Disney is an "all about family" place...
The thing is that my family are not good company...most of the time, I hope no one reading thinks im a horrible person, but to those that know my family...know that they are nothing but judgemental and rude to anyone outside of their bubble... The funny/strange thing about my family is.. They think Gay Men, and Women are abnormal and the whole lifestyle is wrong and twisted..when in reality THEY are the twisted ones!
I mean my sister never steps in, she sits back and watches fights unfold and just stands there, my other sister does whatever he Whitetrash boyfriend tell her too! Do you know they laugh the same now? That they almost dress the same? I remember my old sister, I remember her old attitude, style, laugh, creativeness! Not many of her friends now never knew that she was a Bug collector, me and her used to ride bikes down at the school, she taught me how to go down this huge hill when I was like 8! I miss the old Kate, The one I see all the time now is just a hollow version, Ty hollowed her out and now shes just like him, empty.
I hope no one thinks i'm being too harsh..but its hard to see someone change so much right in front of your eyes.
My other sister (who is younger) is constantly making weird noises, saying strange things, and maybe she feels left out, that she feels like no one is paying attention to her, but its so hard to sit down and have a normal convo with her when she doesn't even try~!
We arrived in California on Monday afternoon, My first plane ride.. I planned it out in my head to be this awesome experience, that I would get there and id be sat by some random, amazing person and we would talk the whole flight! ...Ha...silly right?
But we got there and I got to sit next to a very Homophobic Asshole Which of course was super!(He turned to look at me and smiled and held out his hand and I shook it, he then saw my Gay Pride bracelet and didn't say a word to me the whole flight, he wouldn't even look at me! He sat and talked with the guy that he didn't know right next to him...
ANYWAY!!!!!!! >>>>>> An hour later we got to our hotel, its pretty nice. My sister >>>>>> Kate and her boyfriend Ty were waiting at our hotel,
Ty was just as rude and loud since I saw him last, nothing changes with him..
Melissa and her fam got there a couple hours later and Monday flew by,
Tuesday was our first day in Disneyland, My Mom cried a good half of the time, missing my Dad, then that got everyone else crying saying how they wished he was here, that we would have to go on all of his favorite rides.. Does it make me heartless to just get weak and try to shut out the memories or stories!? I mean I miss him too!!! But if u fill up your life with nothing but memories of someone gone, then pretty soon that's all u think about, and all the time spent living in the present is pointless if u dwell in the past...
AnYway Tuesday was no different,Filled with my family wanting me to spend every second together, I know we came for the last time as a family.. But I can't stand my family sometimes, The times where I want to be with them, they say or do something that..just drive me away. The only good part about Tuesday was getting an icecream...Haha I was walking behind Melissa and her husband when I saw a really cute guy working at the icecream stand, It got that heart racing, hands shaking feeling, he was gorgeous! So of course I walked right by because a guy like that wouldn't be into me, And I knew the odds are of him being Gay were pretty slim,
But I told myself to turn around and I went back.. I don't remember what I ordered but I know I stumbled up and I smiled at him, His name...which now I feel bad about... was either Daniel or Dave... Ha I wasn't paying attention because I was nervous! (Im not a very good at flirting...and wouldn't know how to even recover if he was actually straight or if I got rejected...) But anyway, he had a very nice smile and while getting my icecream said something to one of the other girls and that's when I could totally tell he was Gay lol, Now my Gaydar sucks...most of the time...but I could tell..I got my icecream smiled at him and I......walked off.....What an idiot!!!
I did go back for a spoon about 10 seconds later, my heart was racing too fast...I should have said something! Damnit! IM sorry for telling that incredibly horrible story on how I was a chicken....I COULD HAVE JUST SAID....SOMETHING! So I walked away and... I just can't get that out of my head....the moment keeps replying in my head, I told myself that I would have a second chance, that I could find him later, that I could ask him for his number then, I assured myself that everything would be fine, that id find him and maybe we wouldn't end up in a relationship one day... But... I don't have a lot of Gay friends...living on Narrow Minded Ville Utah...So it would have been nice to know someone outside, someone normal.. I feel horrible and empty when the moment keeps playing, Play.Pause. Rewind....Play.. Pause...rewind...Over and over... And im like one of those people in a scary movie screaming "Turn around! Turn around! Goooo the other way!"
A couple days passed.. And I didn't see him again, (side story coming up....) Sorry! But I didn't really know when to add this part in but.....I got to meet TORI SPELLING! She is so amazing, and funny! We were sitting at Goofy's kitchen and I was trying to smile and put on a show so my family would leave me alone (I don't like being seen with them because I want guys to actually look at me! Haha Anyway!) so we went and the whole "dining with the Disney Characters was interesting... Maybe I just wasn't in the mood hearing my brother -in law talk my ear off about something that probably didn't matter at the time, or at all. The characters coming over and messing with us, flicking me or waving and it was kinda hard to eat and deal with their out of controllness.. but...
I liked to watch the tables around and see how little kids react to seeing Goofy, Micky or whoever else was going to show up.. The food was super good!
Well anyway (Now for the moment and meeting that made my week! (This was Wednesday I thinkkk) I went to get a plate when I looked over to a couple of tables over and saw Tori Spelling, Her Cute husband Dean just.. Chatting it up with their cute kids! I almost had a heart attack!
I Loved their TV show! They are so cute together! I loved watching their show because I wanted to be like them, Tori is super talented and funny and Dean is very sweet and level headed! I also looooved Tori's Gay friends because I wanted to be them lol ,
To just be able to do and say what u want... To be free from narrow minded people... Its nice to have a little look out the "bubble" once in a while and see that the rest of the world is normal and my Mom and her rules are the insane, and stupid..
I got Tori's autograph and I gave her a copy of my blog address..I didn't want to because I felt totally stupid, I didn't want to bother her at dinner, and I didn't want to be those idiots that are always bugging celebs, I don't expect her to even look at this, its nothing more ramblings of a depressed 18 year old... Haha.. I just thought she'd understand having gay friends, that these random posts are my life, my venting place...
So Tori, if your ever reading this, Thanks for being amazing and awesome! Thanks for being so nice to me :D And if she never reads it... I won't ever know, so I guess that's alright
>>>>>>>>>> fast forward to my laaast day at "The Happiest Place On Earth" My family was evenly paired with my cousins and I was the odd man out, so I was lucky enough to wander around the park by myself yet again, the past couple days.. I have tried to catch a cute guys eye, Not that I would ever have the courage for any number asking or talking... I could at least look at all the California Hotties, I never found "Icecream Guy" though I wonder if I would have actually done anything if I saw him.. So I just wandered around and I eventually ended up at Haunted Mansion! I rode it 10 times in a row, getting on the ride behind people who loved the ride, people who hated it, First timers, frequent riders, Parents, Scared kids, Annoying kids, teens, Russians, Germans, Italians so many paths, stories so many people!! Thousands of thousands of people throughout the park, 1st visits, Old couples who had never been to Disneyland. The look on a little boy's face who was wearing a "1st visit" button that just spotted Buzz LightYear, it was all just amazing to watch! I sat next to so many people that didn't know me, so many people that shared the same likes, dislikes that I wanted to get to know! I hope that doesn't make me sound weird but I just wanted to meet everyone! The family got together and rode Space Mountain one last time, then we boarded the train back to Frontier Land,Standing behind us in line was a guy wearing a tight hott shirt, cool pants and had darkish hair with a pink part in it and we turned out and at the same time said, "I like your hair!" Haha we then boarded on different sides of the train and I wanted to go sit with him and his friends, he was sitting by a girl and I thought they maaaybe they were together, (remember my Gaydar isn't that great....yeahh...)
So I just rode the train and at every stop that wasn't Ours, hoping that he wouldn't get off on another stop, after all I was with my family and my very churchy cousins, I couldn't very well get up and off the train to chase after a guy! So when our stop came, I saw him and his friends get off and I booked (i've just realized that I've used the word 'Booked' a lot.. I guess its my word of the week! )So anyway... I raced after them! I can't even remember what I said to my family but I walked passed the Pink Haired guy and I smiled and tried to look sexy (which is almost impossible for me) and he smiled and waved, I then got clear down the block and my SUPER COOL COUSIN E's voice
" (The voice of Get off your ass and take a leap!)" (the same voice that got me up to get Tori Spellings autograph and a copy of my Blog) Which is actually kinda crazy because when I first came out to her she has always reminded me of Tori Spelling, and she would always say "Oh my gosh, I'm Tory and your one of my Way Cool Gay Best Friends" Ha so actually meeting Tori I just wanted to Hug her! And I did! lol I hope she picked up the vibe that I wasn't like stalking her or something lol, I tend to always play back convo's in my head and just rewind and listen to them again and if I find out I said something stupid.. I torture myself by playing it over and over...haha... So hopefully I didnt make a complete fool of myself......
Anyway back to my MAN story ;) So I stopped and turned around, I gritted my teeth and started walking back towards him, and he was almost caught up with me, "My friends are being Lame..." he said.
"Oh im sorry, haha..." I said, actually shocked that he just started talking like we had been friends for years
"Hm..which way is Splash Mountain..?." He asked looking around
."I think its over that way, im headed to haunted mansion" (because I was trying to be flirty and maybe have him ride it with me.
"Are u from here?" He asked not picking up on my hint taht I guess wasnt so hinty
"Nope..im from saint george Utah" I said smiling.
"Oh! Im from Salt Lake"
We then flirted it up for a little bit more when he smiled and said, "well is should get back to my friends, here's my number, call me if u ever want to come visit me in salt lake!" I had waited my entire vacation to meet someone! ! I tried so many times, but I guess im just not that great looking but thats right, Lol I got my Vacation Cutie a couple mins before Midnight,
He invited me back to their hotel for a party, and I almost went.. thinking that this one time I could do something crazy and fun and just GO! But my voice of reason (E) talked me out of it, and I'm so glad she did lol, apparently my random Cutie is a big partier, he drinks and smokes, and DONT GET ME WRONG! I know people who drink, I know people that smoke but.. 1. Kissing a smoker is never fun.. 2. Its super bad for you! 3. I have asthma..so Smoking would make it hard for me to breathe, And the fact that he parties isnt a turn off, I just havent ever drank! Not once! I am going to be 19 next month and I haven't drinken anything with Alcohol, but i've wanted to! lol So I ended up not going. and He is still texting me.
I just want to meet a guy like me! Sometimes I feel so different from all the other Gay Guys I know, I mean am I broken? I feel like something inside of me is broken, so I dont want to go out drinking or smoking or sleeping with guy after guy.. is there a Gay guy out there for me that is classy and can date and not be all about sex! I mean Cody is still into me, but I just dont see it working out with me, even on our first date he joked round having a threesome.. I just want a normal guy, not a huge partier, not to beautiful looking so I dont feel bad! lol I just need to hit the gym again.. I get so depressed that I get to tired to even try to get in shape..
Alright, well there was my week, of course there was much more lonely things that happened, or comments or teasing throughout the week, but there are way too many stories to write over a blog, this one is long enough! Feel free to email me if you want, here is my "Joshwah Email" Email with any questions.... or concerns , (josh_wah2009@hotmail.com)
Love you all! thanks for reading!
Oh and E! Thanks for the laughs tonight! I haven't laughed that much all week! I needed it!
love, Joshua!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Bored of the Warden...
I don’t know what to do.
I just don’t!
The Warden is being this super bitch to my favorite cousin E,
She is being very judgmental and unfair, (the warden) but what else is new?
I just don’t want MY mom making her feel bad because she doesn’t deserve it! AT ALL.
What I hate the most is the cycle. It starts with me doing something that my mom doesn’t like, having someone over or hanging out with certain people or being past curfew or just about anything can set her off. Then she gets mad at me and she doesn’t talk to me, look at me for a couple days. Then she gets my sisters to talk to me and try to make me apologize to her, which I NEVER DO. And then my mom ends up sitting me down and crying the entire time, rattling off all sorts of drama bullshit. THEN she never listens to my side, then the conversation is over and she hugs me. THEN BAM. She is talking to me again, happy, bubbly, FAKE.
Its only a matter of time before something else happens and she turns into the vile, insane Bitch! The cycle goes over and over, I just need to get out of this house. What the hell am I still doing here? Oh…the no money…no job thing… Hm…I would rather be poor and living on the streets then here. I hate it.
If its not one thing its another with her, I will never make her happy, and now that we are going on a week long “Last family vacation” she is acting all bubbly and happy because she wants a happy trip. SCREW THAT.
My mom can be vile to me but she cant be that way to the people I care about, she cant assume things and be judgmental and rude to the people I love. Even though we are talking now, you just wait. I hope she knows that once I’m gone, IM GONE.
E has offered me to move in with them.. But I know that wouldn’t work. Mostly because.. IM LAZY, I mean I am trying to get a job now. But I feel if I moved in with them I’d be this huge burden, They are so amazing and I love them but I just don’t want to weigh them down like that. I just need to get a job so I can finally build up some money.. Ugh.. Does anyone know who is hiring?
I feel sick to my stomach living here.. I just need to get OUT.
I am so happy when I’m just out with my friends. Because I am happy.
I went to the airport again tonight.. I sat up and just stared out over the lights..
I wish I could just get away from here. Far away from this town, it seems so impossible, so overwhelmingly impossible. One of my very good friends are planning to move to Chicago! How exciting would that be? To find a place and just GO FOR IT. She has big plans and she is super successful so I know she can make it anywhere, but to see a dream and just go for it… It’s just amazing!
I want to be a writer, I only have a couple written stories that aren’t very long. I wonder I could just combine them all. Have a short story book and have it sell a lot, but I’m not sure it even would, I just wish I knew where to start, who to send it to, when and where and for how much. Its another overwhelmingly impossible thing that seems to grow into more of a fantasy then a reality. It’s so frustrating to see authors my age getting books out, how did they get their start? Does the fact that I can only write short stories make it a stupid dream to seek after, I’ve always wanted to go into Barnes and Noble and see my book on the shelf.
That would be the coolest thing ever! Except the downside to writing a book, some people might love it, but what if it doesn’t sell? What if my book is like the many I’ve seen go straight to dollar bins or discount stores. What if instead of having lines at an autograph table, im the one with no one at mine.
I don’t know what’s more frustrating or scary… Wondering about your dream, planning it out in your head and failing or succeeding.. Or ACTUALLY trying to achieve your dream, your life-long dream..and have it crash and burn.
What would I do with my life then? A failed author cant really be a Creative Writing teacher, I don’t know what to do. I am scared to death of living, scared to death to fail.
Then there is the whole thing with Cody, The distance just makes me un interested in him every day. I try to text him, but he is just always busy. So I am not sure what to do. We connected and bonded when he was here, but having him so far away for so long, it kinda makes the fire die out. I am not sure what to do, he says that he is fine with me dating other people. I am not sure if I can even trust him, did I mention that he called Scott to hook up the DAY after we broke up? It was actually that night that we talked about just being friends, he moved on that quick just to “get some” Is that really the kind of person I should be striving to be with?
Where is the guy like me? The guy who grew up in the church, but all along secretly wondered what it would be like with a guy. And to actually pursue it. How many other guys went to church just because they were in love with the leader, or checked out guys at school. Where is the guy that isn’t obsessed with drugs or alcohol or partying? I mean sure I haven’t tried drinking, but does that really make life better? I love to go dancing and having fun, but not all the time. I want a guy that can sit down and have serious conversations, to have a NORMAL guy.
I’m slowly giving up on that perfect guy, I know that no one is perfect but what is so wrong with wanting something like that? I know that I will never meet my perfect guy, but I wonder if I’ll ever get that sign that says, “This is good as your going to get:” I know that sounds horrible to say. I just want to be happy, to not worry about anything in a relationship, that its so natural that were together it just…MAKES SENSE.
I know that if I keep waiting, then I’ll miss out on the really great guy in front of me. I am just thinking that my guy isn’t in the State of Utah.
I hope he is out there somewhere though, I just need to go with the steps first.
Get a job.
MOVE OUT
Go to school
GET THE HELL OUT OF SAINT GEORGE
Thank you for all for reading, if anyone still is out there.. I know I’m boring now…
I am sorry if my stupid family ever makes you feel bad,
I’m sorry E, I wish I could make my mom see things right, but we both know she just sees things at one angle, ONLY THE TOP OF THE SURFACE.
LOVE YOU,
-joshua
I just don’t!
The Warden is being this super bitch to my favorite cousin E,
She is being very judgmental and unfair, (the warden) but what else is new?
I just don’t want MY mom making her feel bad because she doesn’t deserve it! AT ALL.
What I hate the most is the cycle. It starts with me doing something that my mom doesn’t like, having someone over or hanging out with certain people or being past curfew or just about anything can set her off. Then she gets mad at me and she doesn’t talk to me, look at me for a couple days. Then she gets my sisters to talk to me and try to make me apologize to her, which I NEVER DO. And then my mom ends up sitting me down and crying the entire time, rattling off all sorts of drama bullshit. THEN she never listens to my side, then the conversation is over and she hugs me. THEN BAM. She is talking to me again, happy, bubbly, FAKE.
Its only a matter of time before something else happens and she turns into the vile, insane Bitch! The cycle goes over and over, I just need to get out of this house. What the hell am I still doing here? Oh…the no money…no job thing… Hm…I would rather be poor and living on the streets then here. I hate it.
If its not one thing its another with her, I will never make her happy, and now that we are going on a week long “Last family vacation” she is acting all bubbly and happy because she wants a happy trip. SCREW THAT.
My mom can be vile to me but she cant be that way to the people I care about, she cant assume things and be judgmental and rude to the people I love. Even though we are talking now, you just wait. I hope she knows that once I’m gone, IM GONE.
E has offered me to move in with them.. But I know that wouldn’t work. Mostly because.. IM LAZY, I mean I am trying to get a job now. But I feel if I moved in with them I’d be this huge burden, They are so amazing and I love them but I just don’t want to weigh them down like that. I just need to get a job so I can finally build up some money.. Ugh.. Does anyone know who is hiring?
I feel sick to my stomach living here.. I just need to get OUT.
I am so happy when I’m just out with my friends. Because I am happy.
I went to the airport again tonight.. I sat up and just stared out over the lights..
I wish I could just get away from here. Far away from this town, it seems so impossible, so overwhelmingly impossible. One of my very good friends are planning to move to Chicago! How exciting would that be? To find a place and just GO FOR IT. She has big plans and she is super successful so I know she can make it anywhere, but to see a dream and just go for it… It’s just amazing!
I want to be a writer, I only have a couple written stories that aren’t very long. I wonder I could just combine them all. Have a short story book and have it sell a lot, but I’m not sure it even would, I just wish I knew where to start, who to send it to, when and where and for how much. Its another overwhelmingly impossible thing that seems to grow into more of a fantasy then a reality. It’s so frustrating to see authors my age getting books out, how did they get their start? Does the fact that I can only write short stories make it a stupid dream to seek after, I’ve always wanted to go into Barnes and Noble and see my book on the shelf.
That would be the coolest thing ever! Except the downside to writing a book, some people might love it, but what if it doesn’t sell? What if my book is like the many I’ve seen go straight to dollar bins or discount stores. What if instead of having lines at an autograph table, im the one with no one at mine.
I don’t know what’s more frustrating or scary… Wondering about your dream, planning it out in your head and failing or succeeding.. Or ACTUALLY trying to achieve your dream, your life-long dream..and have it crash and burn.
What would I do with my life then? A failed author cant really be a Creative Writing teacher, I don’t know what to do. I am scared to death of living, scared to death to fail.
Then there is the whole thing with Cody, The distance just makes me un interested in him every day. I try to text him, but he is just always busy. So I am not sure what to do. We connected and bonded when he was here, but having him so far away for so long, it kinda makes the fire die out. I am not sure what to do, he says that he is fine with me dating other people. I am not sure if I can even trust him, did I mention that he called Scott to hook up the DAY after we broke up? It was actually that night that we talked about just being friends, he moved on that quick just to “get some” Is that really the kind of person I should be striving to be with?
Where is the guy like me? The guy who grew up in the church, but all along secretly wondered what it would be like with a guy. And to actually pursue it. How many other guys went to church just because they were in love with the leader, or checked out guys at school. Where is the guy that isn’t obsessed with drugs or alcohol or partying? I mean sure I haven’t tried drinking, but does that really make life better? I love to go dancing and having fun, but not all the time. I want a guy that can sit down and have serious conversations, to have a NORMAL guy.
I’m slowly giving up on that perfect guy, I know that no one is perfect but what is so wrong with wanting something like that? I know that I will never meet my perfect guy, but I wonder if I’ll ever get that sign that says, “This is good as your going to get:” I know that sounds horrible to say. I just want to be happy, to not worry about anything in a relationship, that its so natural that were together it just…MAKES SENSE.
I know that if I keep waiting, then I’ll miss out on the really great guy in front of me. I am just thinking that my guy isn’t in the State of Utah.
I hope he is out there somewhere though, I just need to go with the steps first.
Get a job.
MOVE OUT
Go to school
GET THE HELL OUT OF SAINT GEORGE
Thank you for all for reading, if anyone still is out there.. I know I’m boring now…
I am sorry if my stupid family ever makes you feel bad,
I’m sorry E, I wish I could make my mom see things right, but we both know she just sees things at one angle, ONLY THE TOP OF THE SURFACE.
LOVE YOU,
-joshua
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Thinking....
To start off the blog, i'm sorry for my insane love-life ups and downs!
I swear! Something is wrong with me! I was really happy with Cody, believe me, he is super different and amazing! He just lives too far away! 2 hours do not seem like a far distance... but its pretty far considering that he couldn't even see me if I drove up there! He isn't out to his family and apparently they are worse Homophobes then my family... Its just..frustrating!
I don't know whether to keep it going and see what happens, I will see him in two weeks for a whole day, then the whole month of April he wont be able to visit... so we are going to have a Text-relationship? We barely talk on the phone! I am just thinking that this was over before it began.. I just hate getting excited about something to have the dream smashed down! I need to stop investing to much energy into things, I mean... I shouldn't even be blogging right now! I mean who has time to read this....CRAP!? It may have started out as a venting process... a place where I could go to just spill my REAL problems...this is just rambling.....
I think i'm going to tell him that we need to take things SLOWER, which is lame of me... It seemed like when he was here we Fast forwarded through too many steps.. I know i'm a whiner ....
I will tell him that we can date other people? I dont know! I mean there aren't guys lining up to date me, I just feel tied down to him, like I can't even check out another guy because I feel super bad because I technically have a boyfriend.. But you just need to know that I haven't even heard from him in 2 days! I mean I got a text this morning saying that he missed me, that was it, I texted back. and NOTHING.
He is just busy all the time, and I know I shouldn't complain just because I currently have all the time in the world! UGH... I just think it would be better if we were dating other people while he lives there and I live here, and who knows maybe when he finally moves here in the fall I will Man up and stop being so negative... I think that would be best...
I found a new spot to think! I was driving around after I got some yummy coffee and I drove up to the airport and I found a spot that looks over the whole city, Its amazing! The icy wind was blowing and the clouds were just barely over the sun, it was so chilly and GREAT! I just sat there and breathed in the fresh air, a lame poem idea came into my head... and at the same time, another idea for a previous story... I love random bits of inspiration..
here is the poem.. if ya even wanna hear it.. yeah I'm a rymer just so you know.. I am not good at poetry whatsoever..so bare with me!
Free
By Joshua
Im standing here…
18 years tall, I look around at this town, wishing it would grow small,
I look to the heavens of the stars shining bright, I close my eyes,
Spread wings, take flight.
I lift from this place, this crushing despair,
Look to the sky, to the stars, feel the air.
I breathe in , as the weight lifts free, a new world, a new heart , new adventure for me.
My wings white like snow, they glide on the wind to show,
that I can and will break free from this mundane status quo.
I look to see the ceiling fan that is closing me in, grinding gears of harsh thoughts and the talking of sin.
Breathe easy as feathers fall, pass one ceiling fan you pass them all.
Before you know I’m out of sight this time, for me.
In the blackness of night, you’ll see me one day leaving and as small as can be,
Myself, forever liberated, relaxed and
FREE.
Cheesy but thats how I felt...
Even though I still live at Hell house, I just looked around this small town and told myself that things were going to be okay, that there was more to life then this, more to life then this small, narrow minded town. That one day, and one day hopefully soon... I'll spread my wings and get out, and just GLIDE and Soar to new horizons, new adventures. I am 18... almost 19 years old.. I will get a job. I will complete some schooling and I'll Live. No matter how hard my life seems now, with no money, no job and a confusing love-life... Things WILL BE FINE...
I know I sound crazy or....*shudders* Bi Polar.. dont ask... I am just trying to look at things through a different perspective.
So if you were to ask me... "How are you Joshua?"
My reply would "For now? Just ok."
I got some word back from a couple of job apps, You can cross Target off your long list of places i've applied.
I think all of you should go find your "thinking" place if you haven't already.. I will definitely visit mine more often, If you ever want to meet up there for cold drinks or coffee, Text me!
Thank you for all your love and support,
through all my rambles, through my ups and downs,
when i've laughed, and when i've cried,
My good news, and my horrible bad news,
THANK YOU ALLLL !!!
-Joshua
I swear! Something is wrong with me! I was really happy with Cody, believe me, he is super different and amazing! He just lives too far away! 2 hours do not seem like a far distance... but its pretty far considering that he couldn't even see me if I drove up there! He isn't out to his family and apparently they are worse Homophobes then my family... Its just..frustrating!
I don't know whether to keep it going and see what happens, I will see him in two weeks for a whole day, then the whole month of April he wont be able to visit... so we are going to have a Text-relationship? We barely talk on the phone! I am just thinking that this was over before it began.. I just hate getting excited about something to have the dream smashed down! I need to stop investing to much energy into things, I mean... I shouldn't even be blogging right now! I mean who has time to read this....CRAP!? It may have started out as a venting process... a place where I could go to just spill my REAL problems...this is just rambling.....
I think i'm going to tell him that we need to take things SLOWER, which is lame of me... It seemed like when he was here we Fast forwarded through too many steps.. I know i'm a whiner ....
I will tell him that we can date other people? I dont know! I mean there aren't guys lining up to date me, I just feel tied down to him, like I can't even check out another guy because I feel super bad because I technically have a boyfriend.. But you just need to know that I haven't even heard from him in 2 days! I mean I got a text this morning saying that he missed me, that was it, I texted back. and NOTHING.
He is just busy all the time, and I know I shouldn't complain just because I currently have all the time in the world! UGH... I just think it would be better if we were dating other people while he lives there and I live here, and who knows maybe when he finally moves here in the fall I will Man up and stop being so negative... I think that would be best...
I found a new spot to think! I was driving around after I got some yummy coffee and I drove up to the airport and I found a spot that looks over the whole city, Its amazing! The icy wind was blowing and the clouds were just barely over the sun, it was so chilly and GREAT! I just sat there and breathed in the fresh air, a lame poem idea came into my head... and at the same time, another idea for a previous story... I love random bits of inspiration..
here is the poem.. if ya even wanna hear it.. yeah I'm a rymer just so you know.. I am not good at poetry whatsoever..so bare with me!
Free
By Joshua
Im standing here…
18 years tall, I look around at this town, wishing it would grow small,
I look to the heavens of the stars shining bright, I close my eyes,
Spread wings, take flight.
I lift from this place, this crushing despair,
Look to the sky, to the stars, feel the air.
I breathe in , as the weight lifts free, a new world, a new heart , new adventure for me.
My wings white like snow, they glide on the wind to show,
that I can and will break free from this mundane status quo.
I look to see the ceiling fan that is closing me in, grinding gears of harsh thoughts and the talking of sin.
Breathe easy as feathers fall, pass one ceiling fan you pass them all.
Before you know I’m out of sight this time, for me.
In the blackness of night, you’ll see me one day leaving and as small as can be,
Myself, forever liberated, relaxed and
FREE.
Cheesy but thats how I felt...
Even though I still live at Hell house, I just looked around this small town and told myself that things were going to be okay, that there was more to life then this, more to life then this small, narrow minded town. That one day, and one day hopefully soon... I'll spread my wings and get out, and just GLIDE and Soar to new horizons, new adventures. I am 18... almost 19 years old.. I will get a job. I will complete some schooling and I'll Live. No matter how hard my life seems now, with no money, no job and a confusing love-life... Things WILL BE FINE...
I know I sound crazy or....*shudders* Bi Polar.. dont ask... I am just trying to look at things through a different perspective.
So if you were to ask me... "How are you Joshua?"
My reply would "For now? Just ok."
I got some word back from a couple of job apps, You can cross Target off your long list of places i've applied.
I think all of you should go find your "thinking" place if you haven't already.. I will definitely visit mine more often, If you ever want to meet up there for cold drinks or coffee, Text me!
Thank you for all your love and support,
through all my rambles, through my ups and downs,
when i've laughed, and when i've cried,
My good news, and my horrible bad news,
THANK YOU ALLLL !!!
-Joshua
Monday, March 1, 2010
Cody
(Okay to start off...I wanted to try a new thing, a couple days ago before bed I set up my tape recorder and just talked out loud about all the stuff that I was thinking about, just talking to myself as if it was a blog post.. Then last night i typed it all up in blog form.. so yes it might be long and random.. but just bare with me!)
( A couple days before he got here)
Im just thinking a lot about Cody,
I don’t know, I guess its just weird how Ive met someone that is.. Normal.
I mean, You look at my past relationships, if that’s what you could even call them,
The losers, the confusers and the assholes, and I finally meet someone that is Kind, and I don’t know.. Gets me, because we are SOO alike
And I know what your thinking, my last boyfriend was a week.. But it wasn’t just the anime obsession, it was that we were so different on maturity levels. But… I feel with Cody that we are exactly the same, on so many things. He doesn’t like musicals, so that’s… not a deal breaker, but that’s alright.
I wish I wasn’t having so many worried thoughts about it, I mean he lives two hours away, and even if we did go out. Even if we WERE boyfriends.. he would live 2 hours away, and hes not out to his family, so theres a nother thing
He is just so cute, and so nice and we just get eachother.
Part of me, probably the paranoid part.. Is thinking this is all an act, that he really as into as he says.. I JUST WANT IT TO LAST
He talks about marriage, he wants to get married someday, I think that’s amazing.. I have always wanted to get married someday, meet a nice guy and settle down. Being Gay isn’t about partying or endless sex with random strangers, Being gay is choosing and loving the fact that you want a man instead of a woman, Or a Woman instead of a man (for the all the lesbians, I didn’t want to leave them out!) Being Gay, at least in my opinion is being happy, being comfortable with what you like, and how you like it. I am not a partier , I don’t take drugs and go to Gay Bars and have sex with random strangers, I am more then that, there is more to me then just being Gay, and it irritates me when I see the couple walking by me that glares at me when I’m holding hands with someone.
I am sick of the mothers in church looking nervous when I talk to their kids, The Bishop at the church doesn’t even talk to me, For a place that teaches “Unconditional love and understanding,” they are doing a shitty job! I love the church, I just don’t love the people. There are so many times where I just wanted to get up and say something, to call everyone on their narrow-minded shit! I am a human being! I deserved to LOVE WHAT I LOVE!
Anyway, back to Cody..
I think with him a new adventure. I just worry that since we live hours away, we cant see each other often, that he will find someone else. He is moving down here in the Fall, what if he meets his dream guy here.. I guess I would be happy for him, I just don’t know..
I just don’t know..
I just wish I could get into a relationship and LIKE it, and LOVE it. And not worry so damn much!
I mean me and Cody have been talking for , on and off for a month or two. I mean we just barely met on the 15 of feburary, a week and 3 days ago..
I seem to fall very hard and fast, and I’ve fallen for Cody, I just hope it works out.
When I think about him… he takes my breath away! I don’t want to sound cheesy but he does! He just makes me feel so good, he makes me smile! I don’t know I don’t think we can go much slower then we are..
I like him a lot. But I just I don’t know if it can work for this once a month viewing, I guess Friday will tell..
I guess 2 hours isn’t that far of a drive.. I am trying to think of anything else I want to talk about
OH! The Warden, sat me down and asked me when my Gay thoughts started to surface.. I had thought she had forgotten, she never talks about it. Never EVER brings it up. But.. I told her that it was around Middle School, Now that I think back I think I’ve always known, She was wondering because I used to have a crush on a girl in my 3rd grade class or something, and she was wondering why it didn’t work out with her, the way she asked it.. Wasn’t curious, it was RUDE..
Alright wish me luck for Friday! I love you all!
I hope you are doing well!
Love The Friendly Neighborhood Gay!
-Joshua
CODY ARRIVING!
I had an amazing weekend, He met me at ColdStone at 1 oclock. We had ice cream, then left to go drive around town. We drove right to the Metal Park and that was probably a bad idea because he ended up getting really sick! Before we made it down to the actual metal park, we both just sat on a bench holding hands… It was so nice to just sit there with him, the weather was overcast, the icy wind was blowing, it was just wonderful!
We then decided we would go to Grandma Toblers for a brownie, and ended up walking over to the movies to see if anything was playing. I wanted to see Valentines Day, it looked like a cute Lovey Movie! He wanted to see The Crazies, about a town that turns into zombies, VERY ROMANTIC! Lol! We ended up going in and there was like 3 other people in the entire theater. We went walking in he ended pushing me against the theater walls and kissed me. Our first kiss! It was very passionate, just us and the dark theater. We finally made it to our seats in the back and ended up making out for a good portion of the movie.
I got the basic story of The Crazies, we came up for air a couple times and saw very gory zombie like scenes, and ended up going back to kissing. I thought it was kinda funny, if the other people were to look back, they would see us all over eachother.. Ha, two guys making out at a bloody zombie movie… ha..
After the movie ended we ended up going to the hotel, we checked in. I was nervous to see what the room looked like. It was actually really nice, a giant king bed, big t.v.
We dropped off the stuff and went to go see Grace, she was at the college.
I wasn’t really feeling well, I was kinda light-headed and my stomach hurt so I don’t really remember anything really about some of the things… We went back to the hotel and took a nap, we held eachother and kissed and it was just very relaxing and calm to just sit for hours holding eachother talking. Before I knew it, it was midnight and we were getting dressed to go to Dennys for Midnight Fries. Something that Cody did a lot apparently with his friends. We went and cuddled in a corner booth and ate fries lol. We got back to the hotel >>>>>>.>>>>>>>>>>>>> Fast FORWARD>>>>>>>>>>>>>
4 A.M. We laid there holding eachother and fell asleep. It was nice! Woke up at 8. Kissed some more.
Oh! Did I happen to mention that at the movie theater he asked me to be his boyfriend, so that was nice, I said YES of course, In the midst of all the kissing he told me that he loved me. I kinda panicked inside. I mean I LIKE him A LOT! But I mean this was technically our second date, I just didn’t want anything to be fast because I wanted things to last with him. He is a really great guy, we have soOOO much in common, I can see us together in the future.
I mean don’t get me wrong, I LOVED every second with him, but making out for HOURS AND HOURS when my stomach kinda hurt and with a headache, I didn’t really get SICK of him, that’s not the right word. But.. I was just like… I don’t know.. I felt like I had a Cody Overdose. Hopefully that doesn’t make me a horrible person for saying so,
We were together from 1:00 p.m. Friday, to Saturday 1. P.M. I think I’m falling in love with him, I just needed a little time to think, He is a really great guy and I don’t want to ever be sick of him, I don’t ever want to find some flaw… Because I am just broken I guess, I mean I met nice guys and just push them away… But I just don’t think that could happen with Cody because I like him so much, I think it will take some time to get used to.
The next time he is coming is March 13, he is staying over at Grace and Britt’s. I want to stay with him.. But the next day Me, my sister, brother and WARDEN board a plane for Disneyland for the week, so I’m not sure what I’m going to do.
So the wrap up my days with Cody, it was passionate, sexy, fun, romantic and AMAZING. He is the perfect boyfriend!
A quick meltdown moment I had tonight with THE WARDEN..
I am so sick of complaining about her, I just need to get the hell out of my house! I JUST NEED TO GET OUT! Long story short, another rule “No going to friends house on Sundays,” Even though Ive gone over to my friends house SO MANY times on Sundays, and all of a sudden shes adding another rule to the list!
No Boys over
No Gay themed ANYTHING in the house
No telling siblings or relatives
MUST ATTEND THE HOME WARD
NO friends on Sunday
YOU MUST GET A JOB
NO using the car on Sundays
No breathing
No laughing
No loving
No freedom
No friends over
No Gay Music
Be as unhappy as possible
No having a life when the warden has a day off
Family time ALWAYS
ENDLESS RULES! She could make up new ones every single day! Its ridiculous! When I stand up to her about them, She throws it back in my face, saying that im ungreatful, lazing, insignificant, SHE IS JUST… INSANE.. Fine Mom, I’ll get a job. I wont ever come home, I feel like we are back to me just coming out, COMING OUT SHOULD BE EASIER AS TIME GOES ON!
I hate how she plays happy family when its convenient for her. Oh but when I want to leave the house or live my life she smacks another rule on the list. I will have to make an actual rule chart so she doesn’t keep adding on to it, SHE is like discriminating (if that’s even the right word) in her own family. I am sick to my stomach right now…. Is that what she wanted? To just drive me away from her? If so.. she drove me a LONG time ago, Her not being in my life when I move out, is HER LOSS.. Not mine..
She has just been the Vile Bitch that has ruined my life, not anymore, I’ll just forget about her when I move out, see how that works, once I’m gone. The rule list is DESTROYED, I am free to laugh, love, and date and hopefully marry WHOEVER THE HELL I WANT!
Love u all,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, complaints and questions about life…
Love,
JOSHUA
Also I am extremely sorry for the HUGE blog post.. I promise i wont write for a couple of days and give you all a chance to catch up...
( A couple days before he got here)
Im just thinking a lot about Cody,
I don’t know, I guess its just weird how Ive met someone that is.. Normal.
I mean, You look at my past relationships, if that’s what you could even call them,
The losers, the confusers and the assholes, and I finally meet someone that is Kind, and I don’t know.. Gets me, because we are SOO alike
And I know what your thinking, my last boyfriend was a week.. But it wasn’t just the anime obsession, it was that we were so different on maturity levels. But… I feel with Cody that we are exactly the same, on so many things. He doesn’t like musicals, so that’s… not a deal breaker, but that’s alright.
I wish I wasn’t having so many worried thoughts about it, I mean he lives two hours away, and even if we did go out. Even if we WERE boyfriends.. he would live 2 hours away, and hes not out to his family, so theres a nother thing
He is just so cute, and so nice and we just get eachother.
Part of me, probably the paranoid part.. Is thinking this is all an act, that he really as into as he says.. I JUST WANT IT TO LAST
He talks about marriage, he wants to get married someday, I think that’s amazing.. I have always wanted to get married someday, meet a nice guy and settle down. Being Gay isn’t about partying or endless sex with random strangers, Being gay is choosing and loving the fact that you want a man instead of a woman, Or a Woman instead of a man (for the all the lesbians, I didn’t want to leave them out!) Being Gay, at least in my opinion is being happy, being comfortable with what you like, and how you like it. I am not a partier , I don’t take drugs and go to Gay Bars and have sex with random strangers, I am more then that, there is more to me then just being Gay, and it irritates me when I see the couple walking by me that glares at me when I’m holding hands with someone.
I am sick of the mothers in church looking nervous when I talk to their kids, The Bishop at the church doesn’t even talk to me, For a place that teaches “Unconditional love and understanding,” they are doing a shitty job! I love the church, I just don’t love the people. There are so many times where I just wanted to get up and say something, to call everyone on their narrow-minded shit! I am a human being! I deserved to LOVE WHAT I LOVE!
Anyway, back to Cody..
I think with him a new adventure. I just worry that since we live hours away, we cant see each other often, that he will find someone else. He is moving down here in the Fall, what if he meets his dream guy here.. I guess I would be happy for him, I just don’t know..
I just don’t know..
I just wish I could get into a relationship and LIKE it, and LOVE it. And not worry so damn much!
I mean me and Cody have been talking for , on and off for a month or two. I mean we just barely met on the 15 of feburary, a week and 3 days ago..
I seem to fall very hard and fast, and I’ve fallen for Cody, I just hope it works out.
When I think about him… he takes my breath away! I don’t want to sound cheesy but he does! He just makes me feel so good, he makes me smile! I don’t know I don’t think we can go much slower then we are..
I like him a lot. But I just I don’t know if it can work for this once a month viewing, I guess Friday will tell..
I guess 2 hours isn’t that far of a drive.. I am trying to think of anything else I want to talk about
OH! The Warden, sat me down and asked me when my Gay thoughts started to surface.. I had thought she had forgotten, she never talks about it. Never EVER brings it up. But.. I told her that it was around Middle School, Now that I think back I think I’ve always known, She was wondering because I used to have a crush on a girl in my 3rd grade class or something, and she was wondering why it didn’t work out with her, the way she asked it.. Wasn’t curious, it was RUDE..
Alright wish me luck for Friday! I love you all!
I hope you are doing well!
Love The Friendly Neighborhood Gay!
-Joshua
CODY ARRIVING!
I had an amazing weekend, He met me at ColdStone at 1 oclock. We had ice cream, then left to go drive around town. We drove right to the Metal Park and that was probably a bad idea because he ended up getting really sick! Before we made it down to the actual metal park, we both just sat on a bench holding hands… It was so nice to just sit there with him, the weather was overcast, the icy wind was blowing, it was just wonderful!
We then decided we would go to Grandma Toblers for a brownie, and ended up walking over to the movies to see if anything was playing. I wanted to see Valentines Day, it looked like a cute Lovey Movie! He wanted to see The Crazies, about a town that turns into zombies, VERY ROMANTIC! Lol! We ended up going in and there was like 3 other people in the entire theater. We went walking in he ended pushing me against the theater walls and kissed me. Our first kiss! It was very passionate, just us and the dark theater. We finally made it to our seats in the back and ended up making out for a good portion of the movie.
I got the basic story of The Crazies, we came up for air a couple times and saw very gory zombie like scenes, and ended up going back to kissing. I thought it was kinda funny, if the other people were to look back, they would see us all over eachother.. Ha, two guys making out at a bloody zombie movie… ha..
After the movie ended we ended up going to the hotel, we checked in. I was nervous to see what the room looked like. It was actually really nice, a giant king bed, big t.v.
We dropped off the stuff and went to go see Grace, she was at the college.
I wasn’t really feeling well, I was kinda light-headed and my stomach hurt so I don’t really remember anything really about some of the things… We went back to the hotel and took a nap, we held eachother and kissed and it was just very relaxing and calm to just sit for hours holding eachother talking. Before I knew it, it was midnight and we were getting dressed to go to Dennys for Midnight Fries. Something that Cody did a lot apparently with his friends. We went and cuddled in a corner booth and ate fries lol. We got back to the hotel >>>>>>.>>>>>>>>>>>>> Fast FORWARD>>>>>>>>>>>>>
4 A.M. We laid there holding eachother and fell asleep. It was nice! Woke up at 8. Kissed some more.
Oh! Did I happen to mention that at the movie theater he asked me to be his boyfriend, so that was nice, I said YES of course, In the midst of all the kissing he told me that he loved me. I kinda panicked inside. I mean I LIKE him A LOT! But I mean this was technically our second date, I just didn’t want anything to be fast because I wanted things to last with him. He is a really great guy, we have soOOO much in common, I can see us together in the future.
I mean don’t get me wrong, I LOVED every second with him, but making out for HOURS AND HOURS when my stomach kinda hurt and with a headache, I didn’t really get SICK of him, that’s not the right word. But.. I was just like… I don’t know.. I felt like I had a Cody Overdose. Hopefully that doesn’t make me a horrible person for saying so,
We were together from 1:00 p.m. Friday, to Saturday 1. P.M. I think I’m falling in love with him, I just needed a little time to think, He is a really great guy and I don’t want to ever be sick of him, I don’t ever want to find some flaw… Because I am just broken I guess, I mean I met nice guys and just push them away… But I just don’t think that could happen with Cody because I like him so much, I think it will take some time to get used to.
The next time he is coming is March 13, he is staying over at Grace and Britt’s. I want to stay with him.. But the next day Me, my sister, brother and WARDEN board a plane for Disneyland for the week, so I’m not sure what I’m going to do.
So the wrap up my days with Cody, it was passionate, sexy, fun, romantic and AMAZING. He is the perfect boyfriend!
A quick meltdown moment I had tonight with THE WARDEN..
I am so sick of complaining about her, I just need to get the hell out of my house! I JUST NEED TO GET OUT! Long story short, another rule “No going to friends house on Sundays,” Even though Ive gone over to my friends house SO MANY times on Sundays, and all of a sudden shes adding another rule to the list!
No Boys over
No Gay themed ANYTHING in the house
No telling siblings or relatives
MUST ATTEND THE HOME WARD
NO friends on Sunday
YOU MUST GET A JOB
NO using the car on Sundays
No breathing
No laughing
No loving
No freedom
No friends over
No Gay Music
Be as unhappy as possible
No having a life when the warden has a day off
Family time ALWAYS
ENDLESS RULES! She could make up new ones every single day! Its ridiculous! When I stand up to her about them, She throws it back in my face, saying that im ungreatful, lazing, insignificant, SHE IS JUST… INSANE.. Fine Mom, I’ll get a job. I wont ever come home, I feel like we are back to me just coming out, COMING OUT SHOULD BE EASIER AS TIME GOES ON!
I hate how she plays happy family when its convenient for her. Oh but when I want to leave the house or live my life she smacks another rule on the list. I will have to make an actual rule chart so she doesn’t keep adding on to it, SHE is like discriminating (if that’s even the right word) in her own family. I am sick to my stomach right now…. Is that what she wanted? To just drive me away from her? If so.. she drove me a LONG time ago, Her not being in my life when I move out, is HER LOSS.. Not mine..
She has just been the Vile Bitch that has ruined my life, not anymore, I’ll just forget about her when I move out, see how that works, once I’m gone. The rule list is DESTROYED, I am free to laugh, love, and date and hopefully marry WHOEVER THE HELL I WANT!
Love u all,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, complaints and questions about life…
Love,
JOSHUA
Also I am extremely sorry for the HUGE blog post.. I promise i wont write for a couple of days and give you all a chance to catch up...
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