...OUT....

The title says it all.. It definitely happened thats for sure..


I woke up this morning and waiting for The Warden to wake up, it was the longest wait EVER. I kept going over what I was going to say in my head, over and over..and over again...


I talked to E on the phone... and then my Mom texted me to come upstairs...and I almost lost it!

I suddenly felt like I was walking to the electric chair, I clenched my hands into my side and I tried to breathe, I don't think i'm being over dramatic here, so if that even crossed your mind.....Not Cool..

I walked upstairs and she sat down on the couch across from me, me being as clever as I am "forgot" to put on my contacts, the other side of the room where she sat was a mix of blur and colors....much easier...

I started,

"Mom, I don't want this to be a claws out, fight... I just want to start off by saying that it really hurt me to find out that you took away my movie, and you didnt even ask me about it.. that you took it to the bishop, without telling me...Now that said, is there anything you wanna ask me?"

By then I was already shaking , not because I was scared. It was because I knew that she had something already argued in her head, that she would try to make it seem like im this horrible person...

"Are you.......................................gay?" She asked... drawing out the last word... almost not saying it..

"Yes. Yes I am."

She then decided this lecture, "Joshua, that makes me sick to my stomach! You know that isnt normal, you can't have a normal lifestyle with two men!.....Joshua.. You realize what this means? That you are choosing this and choosing to split up the family in heaven.....Do you realize you'll never have a family of your own?...."

"Mom! This is normal! This is what I feel and what I want in life, You can have a normal lifestyle if your Gay, you can have a family! I could adopt!"

"That wouldnt work out! Life would be easy with a hetrosexual lifestyle....Do you think that you can have what me and Dad had.....You and a Man?"

I had tried to say calm through all of this.. tried to be level headed because I knew that if I started the screaming match, it would not end well...I almost lost it with what she said next..because I have a friend who's parents did the same thing...

"Do you need to go to counseling? do you need help with...this..?

I almost shouted...I am was so angry!
"I am not SICK! THis is not a disorder, disease or problem.. This is how I have decided to live my Life! I have a friend that goes to counsling and he is MESSED UP! He is with a woman now but cant get his mind off men! He is sick to his stomach all the time, he is messed up Mom!"

"Alright... if your going to choose to mess up your life this way, your going to have rules until you move out of my house... 1. You will obey curfew, if your not home by curfew, you cant go out again. 2. I never...EVER want to meet anyone your seeing, you are never to bring a boy around here, I love you Joshua.. I wont love any 'boyfriend' you have... 3. You cant talk or tell your siblings about this (the littler ones) I don't want them to perceive what you choose as normal! 4. You are to have NO GAY THEMED MATERIAL IN THIS HOUSE, I have destroyed your Movie (were the world mine) and you wont get it back, if I go into your room and see anything like that, GARBAGE! 5. You are to get a job ASAP (no shit sherlock) 6. YOu have to go to OUR Home ward EVERY SINGLE week until you move out..." So I wasn't allowed to go to my friends wards, another very deep hook she had in me, Hooks that I cant get out of until I move out of this HELL...If she wants to be this way.. See if I ever let her be apart of my Family.. its really too bad it had to be like this.. I hope she knows that it could have been so much different...

So much for thinking my home is a safe-haven! That I had to run down in my room and get my other Gay Interest movies..Knowing i'd never get my favorite one back.. as I said in my previous blog.. That movie was MY HOPE that things would get better.. that I wouldnt have to hide DVD's in secret drawers, that I wouldn't have to check my journal everyday, making sure someone hasn't gone through it.... It makes me sick to think of my house as this prison..this HORRIBLE PLACE...

I packed up my Dvd's and journals and I took them over to a friends house to store....My mom crushed my hope in thinking that things would be okay by destroying that DVD, I dont want to sound Crazy, Obsessed, or over dramatic...but she destroyed my Hope in ever thinking I could Trust her...That I could ever come to her with any problems...

The rest of our conversation was about "Who Knew about me being gay"

"Does E know?" She asked...

"Alot of my friends know that I'm gay and..."

"DOES E KNOW?" She said again

"ALOT OF MY FRIENDS KNOW MOM! They all support me!

"To think that I asked her...I ASKED HER about you!"

"Well I am glad she didnt tell you! It was not her secret to tell! It isnt anyones secret but my own! Her telling you would have ruined any trust I had in her or any one of my friends....!"

Then came the next question..and if I was as Evil as I could have been.. I would have answered truthfully and gotten his Ass , A 1st class.. Train Wreck TO HELL!

"Who.. was your last boyfriend.....was ALEX one of your boyfriends?" If you dont know what a 1st Class Alex is... go ahead and read back about him, I take back Every nice thing I said about him..and I sincerely mean the Rude comments, just so we're clear...

I thought about it.. only for a second.. two choices.... Let him finally get caught.. let him writhe and squirm as he explains to my brother-in-law, to my older sister and to my mother that we slept together... it was almost comical..But..then again Im not insane, extremley rude, or evil.. ..SO i said the words that Were.. Some what of a lie.. and somewhat of the truth... 3 words that saved his pathetic, sorry, whiney ass...

"Alex. Isnt. Gay." 3 words and he was free.... Your welcome Alex. You dont deserve it.. But your welcome. Does anyone here I am being to harsh on the guy? Oh good because I didnt think so... I could always say 3 words to drag him down to hell....But i'll let you figure out what those were.. I won't throw anyone under the bus, or reach into their dark closets and rip them out...


We ended the conversation with, "I've got to go" and I went downstairs and she rushed down and hugged me... too bad that little "Mother, Son" lasted only a moment before she burst out sobbing.

"I wish I knew what to say....I wish I knew... Dad would have said the right think....He was the better parent.. It should have been me....It should have been me Gone..and him here.....He was the better parent"

*mom exits...*

I just sat there and cried on my bedroom floor...I cried because I felt....Kinda...free...like.. This was just a stepping stone to my new happy life... Too bad the Hellish Prison collapsed around me.. More rules, no acceptance.. From my mother of all people... I cried because I realized that as free as I felt.. I was still stuck in this prison.. now turned into my own personal Hell... I cant have any of my movies (that of course were not Porno..just Gay love stories)

All I have is my Gay Pride Band.. I am wearing it no matter what...

I wonder what happens when I break a rule... Before I broke a couple..but now she is trying to hold so tightly to me that I just want to run away, just pack up enough stuff to life for some time and just...LEAVE.. is that what she wants?

To wake up one morning and realize that her first son is gone, that she personally drove me away, does she just want a note on my empty bed explaining why I cant live there anymore....In her Hell....

I have watched many Gay Interest/Coming of Age movies... The parents either accept..or they dont...and at this point.. I dont care..

My goals... Get a job... As soon as I possibly can.. Get enough money... AND MOVE THE HELL OUT....

Because I am sick of her, True you reading this will say "That she loves me, only wants whats best for me...." I dont see it like that at all...She has officially driven me Far Away... and if thats how she wants to play the game...

Then im taking my game piece out of her "Endless Chutes and Ladders" game. ... and moving it to where it rightfully belongs... In the game of Life...

Thank you all for your Love and support, I could not function, Live, or stay SANE without you all in my life... Thank you!

Know that i'm always here for all of you, just let me know when or where!

-J