A Breath of Fresh Air

I am not sure how I feel right now...


First of, I wrote a letter to the Warden.. I would post it on here but I think its waaay personal. I can tell you that it was very calmly stated, it was super long to read but thats alright.. I am glad I did it, She cant argue back a letter.. She cant interupt me.. She just has to sit down and read it... At first she didn't say anything about it, then she just randomly came up to me and hugged me and told me that she loved me. "We can talk about some of the stuff in the letter later, we both have some growing to do" Or something to that effect.. But other then that its been quiet between us.

When we do talk she acts like nothing has changed, which is nice..But if you ignore it.. It wont just go away...I hope she knows that..


I have applied for jobs at soooo many places.. I am working on it.. Dont worry...



Gosh..Dont you just LOOOOVEEE music? It can raise us up, it can get us out of our chairs and dancing.. It can comfort us when we're sad.. Its just.. SO amazing...

I got Imogen Heap's new Cd forever ago but I am just listening to each song, Its funny that I didn't notice!! This particular CD tells a lot of stuff that i've felt... I just love turning on her CD's and just laying somewhere and listening, breathing it all in, Her song.. ."Wait It Out" I dont know if I've ever mentioned on here..
It reminds me of my Dad... Go ahead, Go look it up. "Everybody says...Times heals everything.. But what of the retched hollow... the endless in between.. Are we just going to wait it out?" Great song.. I can just picture the funeral, my family on the front bench, Looking up at the casket.. Im sorry this is getting depressing, NEXT SONG,
Finish Wait It Out... then move on to the next song.. Please :)

"Half Life".... Wow this song reminds me off all the wasted time.. All the stupid crushes, encounters, and mistakes... The song is like what I was thinking with Alex, and all the other guys... But Alex mostly


"I knew that I'd get like this again
That's why I try to keep at bay
Be a hundred percent when I'm with you and then
The perfect heart's length away

The stickler is you've played not one beat wrong
You never promised me anything
Even sat me down and warned me just how they fall
I knew the odds were I'd never win

My self-worth measured in text back tempo
It's been two days and 8 minutes too slow
Well there may well be others but I still like to pretend
That I'm the one you really want to grow old with

Got a schedule to stick to, got a world to keep sweet
You're so much to everyone all the time
Will you ever slow down? Will I ever come first?
The universe contracts to sigh"

Look up and listen to the rest of the song....These lyrics though.. I think she has been inside my head, looking at all the endless thoughts rushing around....Because this is a song about all the Assholes, all those people that use people, That dont think about how much damage their causing... I dont want to sound like i'm "Sooo picked on" but... To kiss, and hold hands and all the other stuff...that just...made it so when its gone...its 50 times as hard to function..

I'm sorry if this isn't making sense... its 2:33 A.M. and I am a little tired...But I dont want to go to bed...

I just want a normal relationship, Someone who likes being with me, who can tolerate my self of humor or annoyingness... I hope all of you reading dont think i'm picky.... but I want a Man that likes.. Normal things? Not overobsessed with Anime, not a druggie...Just someone NORMAL...


Oh.. This next part is kinda cool, Don't worry.. nothing will happen with this next guy... he is too perfect.. So that means he is far out of my league.. His name is Jason. I think I have actually mentioned him before.. At the time I didn't know who he was.. But its interesting how I wanted to meet him those many months ago, If your wondering who I'm talking about.. Go back and look at the entry.. Weddings and Diners, A quick re-cap..

Went to a friends wedding, it was super beautiful...Then me and a bunch of friends went to Dennys and had a good time, then on our way out I saw a cute gay couple, PAUSE, lol I love how in my head i'm watching it like a movie.. I looked over at the couple and there were just so... Happy and perfectly being OUT, and I loved it, Then of course some of my friends had to comment kinda loud and I was sad because I wanted to go and tell them they were super cute together.. Jason was one of the guys, I wanted to look him up somehow to just say sorry if he heard any rude comments..

We hung out tonight, we watched a movie in his room. The movie was alright, it had its scary parts.. We were both sitting on the bed against the wall, and occasionally we would get close and our shoulders would brush.. He has the cutest laugh, He had a really nice room, Filled with posters, books, and all sorts of stuff... We have so much in common and I cant wait to hang out with him again.. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, He is super skinny and very good looking, Ha maybe if I was in shape he would like me.. That will be my motivation!

I kept wanting to reach over and hold his hand, ... it was like this overwhelming desire lol... I was too chicken... I guess I just didnt want to reach for it and have him pull away... But I guess we dont learn until we try.. OH .... did I mention he was 17....Yeah... forgot about that part haha.. I will stop talking about it though because he is too perfect... and I dont fit with his "Dream Wall"

He has this wall where he posts things that he wants in life, some are really big tasks, Some seem almost impossible..But then I think of who i'm talking about.. I believe Jason can achieve all those goals, 1. Be on the Ellen Show 2. Get a Hott Boyfriend 3. Get married! So many posts, So many dreams and Ideas...

Okay i'm done talking about him!

I'm super tired, This post was....random... haha SO sorry about that

Thank you all for reading,

Oh and thanks for cheering me up Peter ;) I look forward to your future Blog Posts!

Take care!

I love you all!

-Joshua