I will start out in this blog entry...with good news..
I went to the Mardi Gras Dance... It was soo much fun! My friends ditched me at the last minute but I had fun....well.. Most of the time..
I saw Carter there, I have been looking forward to seeing him all week.. Last night at the dance the first thing he says to me...is that he is Drunk, and High.... nice..
He ignored me for mostly all the dance, we danced once but other then that he was taking smoke breaks outside with random people.. So there was one of the reasons I had a slightly horrible time.. Other then that though everyone was very kind and accepting as they always are, Two boyfriends dressed up like missionaries, my friend Fred dressed in a Mini-skirt, High Heels and a tank top, and I wore my shirt, small jacket, fairy wings, mask and TONS OF GLITTER.
It was just so fun to be with everyone, dirty dancing, having fun, just.. coming together with Straight, Lesbian and Gay people, talking, laughing, making memories...
Its really too bad that the happiness didnt last... Got into the car to take Scott home and he told me that Carter had been texting him all of a sudden because, Carter apparently likes him. So there he goes again....getting yet another guy, whatever, Carter was not good for me anyway...
On top of that I get home, RIGHT ON TIME FOR CERFUW and The warden is awake, making sure I get home on time...These are the moments where I should have been more careful...I am so angry at myself for letting my guard down...for thinking for...a moment..and if only for a moment that I was in my Safe-haven..as HOMES are supposed to be..
I set my make-up kit down by the fridge to get a drink..I was so tired...I got a drink and I headed downstairs... I have always been so careful....SO CAREFUL...
I forgot that I had placed "Were The World Mine", one of my all time favorite movies.... in the bag, My friend did my makeup from the main guy in the movie....I wish I could have remembered it was in there..I usually treat it as if its a very precious belonging, hiding it when I wasnt watching it, and hiding it within other movies when I took it out...
I went downstairs and got ready for bed...unaware that my mom had walked into the kitchen and started going through the closed bag... She found it... and... Took it.
I woke up in the morning, everyone had gone to church, I looked around my room and suddenly felt like I was missing something, I tore my room apart looking for the movie that should have been right there... "Did I leave it at my friends house?" I first thought.. Then I realized it was in my car when I left her house... So that was my next destination, My Car.
I grabbed my keys and ran out to my car, I tore it apart, and thats when I remembered that I took it out of my car and put it in the bag of make up... But I couldnt find the bag, I had been too tired to remember where I set it down...HOPING that no one would have gone through it.. Why did I even put that trust in the hands of MY family..
I went into the house and found the bag, everything was there...except the DVD..
I looked downstairs, I looked in my sisters room, I even went and looked in my Moms room....hoping that my gut feeling wasnt right...that SHE COULDNT POSSIBLY OF TAKEN IT!
She was an hour late coming home from the church... She came in the house crying.. I dont know who she had been talking on the phone with, She came upstairs and I asked...not wanting to know the answer..because my fast beating heart and shaking hands...AND FURIOUSNESS already knew...
"Hey, did you happen to see a DVD in that bag next to the fridge?"
She stopped and looked at me, "Yes..."
"Okay, can I have it back please"
"Why...."
"because its my movie, I bought it."
"Do you even know what its about..?"
"Yes. Its a Modern Day Midsummer Nights Dream, and its about a Gay guy that goes to an all guy school, that is the main guy in the play.. and"
"Why would you watch something like that.. You say its MODERN like its NORMAL to be...."
(SHE COULDNT EVEN SAY IT! )
"And what about the party you went to last night....the one for LINDA STAY... do you know who she is?"
"Yes. She's a very sweet lady that is part of the cl...."
"The GSA....DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?"
"Yes, it stands for The Gay..."
"Straight Alliance" She finished...
"Yes, Its a club at Dixie College and im in it"
"So were there..." she stopped.... "..GAY people there?"
I didnt have a change to talk...
"Joshua.. We are going to sit down and talk tomorrow.. we are going to talk about changing things...that need to be changed..."
"Fine.." and not another word....
My older sister then came over and she came down crying.. telling me that she still loved me, that she didn't want to ever lose me.. that she was sorry if I was feeling like I was being pushed away..
WELL! I am not accepted.. I cant even by myself in my own DAMN HOUSE... I have strict curfew rules, when I've never done ANYTHING to betray that trust, MY MOTHER DOENST NEED TO WAIT UP FOR ME...but thats an argument for another time...She is contstantly telling me to get a job, to move out. Then she will turn out saying she doesn't want me to move out, Why mom? So i'll keep babysitting for you and (my sister)
IM just so sick to my stomach, I have called my good friend E, and we talked about what I should say, I have talked to my friend Jon, who understands and knows where I am coming from...
I just dont know how to bring it up, E has told me to start off by saying that I dont want it to be a claws out fight.. that I want to talk calmly and level headedly about everything, I will tell her that I'm Gay, that I am NOT a freak, That there is NOTHING wrong with me, that I have chosen something to make me happy, that she cannot force me to see things one way.
I still love the church, God doesn't hate me for being Gay, I KNOW HE STILL LOVES ME, and if He still loves me...she should too....I am still her son, no matter who I want to go home to! I am still that person that she raised.. I have just chosen what makes ME happy, and because it doesn't fit into HER norm...doesnt mean its not normal.. I will tell her that I have all my friends that support me...
I just hope we get it all out there... All said... NO hostility, No claws, just TALKING,
"This is a talk, not an arguement.. " I wont be going to any Straight Camps, or Therapy, I have a friend that he came out and told his parents... he is now a WRECK, NO JOKE. He went to counseling.. and he has a girlfriend now.. But does his parents know the things he texts me? The absolute NEED to be with a guy, they made him feel like he was sick, he tells me everyday.. I am NOT ending up like that, The end of my story will be in a house in Ireland with my husband... IT WILL... I will not be treated like I have a problem...
I will get my movie back.. I know its stupid to worry about that at a time like this..... But that movie is about Love, about being different..but being PROUD and Happy ...That movie is more then just a good movie.. it restores HOPE , MY HOPE every time that I watch it, it says to me, "Joshua, your different.. nothing is wrong with you, your going to be okay in life" Thats probably what bothers me the most...that my mother took away the Hope that it could have been easy, that coming out to her and my family could have been slow, and nice... any easier? Probably not.. But it would have been nice to have more acceptance instead of throwing me out in the spotlight with no script and yelling action...
I wasn't ready for this.... I wasn't ready to be thrown out there and torn open...
She won't accept things right away.. it might take a long time... all I know...as that im scared to wake up tomorrow... I know that when I try to approach it calmly, she is going to lose it somewhere and it will only make things worse..
I dont know what to do.. I might not even be able to sleep tonight.... Im just sick to my stomach...
And although i wish I could take back leaving that DVD, that ONE DVD that gave her the "evidence" of what she was thinking all along, what she suspected.. I am making this sound like im a criminal, I know i'm not.. Its my life.. My Choice... PERIOD.
Thank you all for your support, for reading and commenting, In person, text, message, Facebook, Thank you ALL for always putting up with me, Always loving me, no matter what..
I will let you know how this talk goes...Wish me luck.....
-Joshua
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