Missing Him!

Okay I know I only hung out with Cody for a week....But I have already fallen for him.

He is so amazing...He makes me happy every day! With a comment, picture or just a simple text that makes my day...

It sucks that he lives so far way, I cannot wait for him to come on the 26th! I feel almost.. empty because I want him with me, right here! He says he feels the same about me, that he can see us being together for a long time, and I like that. He even dared to bring up what I wouldn't because I tend to try to see the end of the story, He said he could see me and him living in Ireland, me a Writer, and him working at the hospital, I am not sure if he is going in to Dental ...I'll have to ask him lol Sorry its late and I cant think... But he is so great....

To those of you that have read all the posts up till now, Its not my fault that I fall so fast.. .But I can tell that Cody is different.. Because he feels the same way, I look forward to being with him as much as I can.


The only thing I'm sad about is the 3 months coming up where he wont be able to visit because he will be doing Summer Classes where he lives.... He lives 2 hours away from Saint George, I think if we become a couple, which I hope we do.. I will drive up there to see him.. the only thing is he is worried about what his Mom will think....He will be living at home until he moves down for school in the Fall, which I have made it a goal to sign up for classes! I need someone to help me though..because I have no idea where to start! The whole process seems dizzying!

Oh! I have been working out at the gym for the past 3 Days, which is a big deal! Haha I have had that damn membership for months...

RANDOM BUT...

I need to stop spending so much money..lol.. I need to save up to make sure Cody has a good time when he visits, OH and not to mention saving up so I can pay rent, and cell bill, and car....BLEH..growing up sucks... How about I just sell a book and get a lot of money and not have to worry about things..haha Oh yeah...My stories SUCK! I went through the Archives today and it turns out that I've only written 6 or 7 stories out of the hundreds that i've started.. I just need to buckle down and finish some... I don't know how to even begin publishing anything....BLEH!

Gosh..i'm actually really tired tonight... Too bad there are a bunch of screaming pre-teens over...My sister is having a sleep over... BLEH...


Sorry for the random post.. Just thought i'd let everyone know that I MISS CODY!!! Haha sometimes I think about him and I feel this little stab inside and I get short of breath because I realize how much I REALLY do miss him... I dont want to sound like stalker or obsessed...He is just a great person... I just want to spend time with him...... So i am nervous abotu finding the right Hotel, for the right Price.. I am going to try to not spend any money this week, i'm saving it ALL for Cody lol okay Im going to go.. Im started to sound stupid...I can tell.... haha



SO....sleeepy! Goodnight everyone, Sweet Dreams....Oh.. I need to tell you all about the weird light in the sky last night..... Tomorrow....im too tired lol...


Love ya! Thanks for reading!

-Joooooosshhhhhhhhwah

Clear The Records

Alright! Ya see the title? That is stating that all the past mistakes i've made with idiot, confusing, straight, bisexual, idiots.. Never happened! Mmkkkay


I have met someone new.. Yeah pay attention.. I may seem like I switch crushes like Christina Yamaguchi changes iceskates... But that doesn't make me a bad person...


This guy I met is amazing! He is hilarious!


So backing up,

Scott met this guy on Facebook because I think they had a friend in common or something, and Scott was always talking about them hooking up , how and when and blah blah blah and it made me mad because he gets all the guys somehow and.. I totally lost my train of thought... Hm....

OH! so anyway he told Scott that he was coming down to visit and he wanted to meet up, Just Me, Cody, and Scott...

So I came up with the plan to go ice skating, get drinks at Judds, get yummy Cupcakes from 25 Main Street and go to the park and chat.

So I left my house to go pick up Scott because I needed to go pick up Cody (who is visiting from Richfield) so we can hang out but Scott wasn't ready so I went to go get Cody and I was super nervous! But I knew from the moment I saw him that he would be an amazing person! We chatted all the way to the Ice Rink and he was nervous because he had never ice skated before.

We went out on the ice and he did...alright lol he was just afraid he was going to fall so he kept stopping alot. But he is so adorable! He has the greatest smile I have ever seen, his smile made me smile. He kept grabbing my hand to steady himself...but..OH! Did I mention he had a boyfriend....Damnit! it's super lame...and I feel bad about this next part.. We were being really flirty and he told me that he was most likely going to dump his boyfriend, which is sad because I wouldn't ever want to be the "Someone who was dumped because my boyfriend met someone else" haha

Why does he have to live so far away!? Oh!~ He is moving down here in the Fall for Dixie.. so thats good! He keeps telling me that he really likes me.. but I just dont want to get my hopes up.. I know that once he moves down here he will realize all the other guys he could have! Thats....why I will go to the gym!!! YA! I'll get all hott-lookin...


Oh while we were at 25 Main, I swear every friend i've ever known went there and they saw me and Cody sitting close and laughing and Scott across the table....MISERABLE! Hah I know I shouldn't be enjoying this.. But I feel GREAT knowing the fact that Cody likes me and Not Scott...

I really like Cody! FOR REAL! He makes me laugh and I love that, me and him were picking on Scott and it was just funny, It made me wonder what it would have been like if I ended up picking Scott up first... ..

ANYWAYS! We bonded over iceskating, I stayed back with him because it was his first time, when Scott showed up all he cared about was going fast around the rink and doing turns.. I loved the fact that the first thing Cody said about Scott was "Wow....someone needs to help him with his hair" Hahahaa Good times.. sorry I am totally lacking in grammar and actual paragraphs and sentences, I'm not really in the mood to blog.. I am just happy that I met Cody (we have been talking through text for a while. But just met today for the first time.)

Did I mention he lives in Monroe? If I mentioned anything different dont worry... I'm just as confused as you! But no worries.

Alright, I kinda didnt even want to blog about it because I don't want to jinx anything, ha but I was just really excited!
It sucks that he has to life so far, but that just means that when he comes to visit, i'll miss him MORE when hes gone.. I already miss him and I just met him yesterday...The ole fast working heart of mine has already fallen for him.. But don't worry..I'm taking it slow. I keep telling myself that he is going to meet some one where he is, or maybe we'll go out and be a couple until he moves here and then he'll realize all the amazing guys he could have.... ALL I KNOW.. .

Is that I can tell this is going to be a fun adventure!!!

I am trying to decide what I should plan for us to do when he comes down on the 26th, We could go to dinner and a movie! Oh! I like that idea! I will have to see if there are any good movies out then! Then we could go to the water pad in the middle of town and sit and watch stars? I don't know! What do you all think!? Text, call, write, email, etc some ideas to me! I would be soo thankful!

OH! I am 23 pages into my story, "Joshua's Journal" inspired by my great friend Lucy, I cannot wait to finish it! I am so into the story it a little insane, Joshua (the main guy) is about to meet the guy who has been writing in the journals and I am like..nervous for him! I am kinda making up the story as I go along, I have certain parts in my mind that I can see, I don't know if they will make it into the final cut.. SOrry! Lol I just realized that I am blabbing about a Story i'm writing on a blog..thats boring....

Anyways... I'm in such a good mood now! I can't wait to see him! I hope I get all of his sleeping arrangements worked out for the 26th..
Thank you all for your love and support!
E, My amazing cousin and friend! I could not LIVVE without you! I hope you know how much you mean to me! Your amazing!

Love ya all!


-joshua

A Breath of Fresh Air

I am not sure how I feel right now...


First of, I wrote a letter to the Warden.. I would post it on here but I think its waaay personal. I can tell you that it was very calmly stated, it was super long to read but thats alright.. I am glad I did it, She cant argue back a letter.. She cant interupt me.. She just has to sit down and read it... At first she didn't say anything about it, then she just randomly came up to me and hugged me and told me that she loved me. "We can talk about some of the stuff in the letter later, we both have some growing to do" Or something to that effect.. But other then that its been quiet between us.

When we do talk she acts like nothing has changed, which is nice..But if you ignore it.. It wont just go away...I hope she knows that..


I have applied for jobs at soooo many places.. I am working on it.. Dont worry...



Gosh..Dont you just LOOOOVEEE music? It can raise us up, it can get us out of our chairs and dancing.. It can comfort us when we're sad.. Its just.. SO amazing...

I got Imogen Heap's new Cd forever ago but I am just listening to each song, Its funny that I didn't notice!! This particular CD tells a lot of stuff that i've felt... I just love turning on her CD's and just laying somewhere and listening, breathing it all in, Her song.. ."Wait It Out" I dont know if I've ever mentioned on here..
It reminds me of my Dad... Go ahead, Go look it up. "Everybody says...Times heals everything.. But what of the retched hollow... the endless in between.. Are we just going to wait it out?" Great song.. I can just picture the funeral, my family on the front bench, Looking up at the casket.. Im sorry this is getting depressing, NEXT SONG,
Finish Wait It Out... then move on to the next song.. Please :)

"Half Life".... Wow this song reminds me off all the wasted time.. All the stupid crushes, encounters, and mistakes... The song is like what I was thinking with Alex, and all the other guys... But Alex mostly


"I knew that I'd get like this again
That's why I try to keep at bay
Be a hundred percent when I'm with you and then
The perfect heart's length away

The stickler is you've played not one beat wrong
You never promised me anything
Even sat me down and warned me just how they fall
I knew the odds were I'd never win

My self-worth measured in text back tempo
It's been two days and 8 minutes too slow
Well there may well be others but I still like to pretend
That I'm the one you really want to grow old with

Got a schedule to stick to, got a world to keep sweet
You're so much to everyone all the time
Will you ever slow down? Will I ever come first?
The universe contracts to sigh"

Look up and listen to the rest of the song....These lyrics though.. I think she has been inside my head, looking at all the endless thoughts rushing around....Because this is a song about all the Assholes, all those people that use people, That dont think about how much damage their causing... I dont want to sound like i'm "Sooo picked on" but... To kiss, and hold hands and all the other stuff...that just...made it so when its gone...its 50 times as hard to function..

I'm sorry if this isn't making sense... its 2:33 A.M. and I am a little tired...But I dont want to go to bed...

I just want a normal relationship, Someone who likes being with me, who can tolerate my self of humor or annoyingness... I hope all of you reading dont think i'm picky.... but I want a Man that likes.. Normal things? Not overobsessed with Anime, not a druggie...Just someone NORMAL...


Oh.. This next part is kinda cool, Don't worry.. nothing will happen with this next guy... he is too perfect.. So that means he is far out of my league.. His name is Jason. I think I have actually mentioned him before.. At the time I didn't know who he was.. But its interesting how I wanted to meet him those many months ago, If your wondering who I'm talking about.. Go back and look at the entry.. Weddings and Diners, A quick re-cap..

Went to a friends wedding, it was super beautiful...Then me and a bunch of friends went to Dennys and had a good time, then on our way out I saw a cute gay couple, PAUSE, lol I love how in my head i'm watching it like a movie.. I looked over at the couple and there were just so... Happy and perfectly being OUT, and I loved it, Then of course some of my friends had to comment kinda loud and I was sad because I wanted to go and tell them they were super cute together.. Jason was one of the guys, I wanted to look him up somehow to just say sorry if he heard any rude comments..

We hung out tonight, we watched a movie in his room. The movie was alright, it had its scary parts.. We were both sitting on the bed against the wall, and occasionally we would get close and our shoulders would brush.. He has the cutest laugh, He had a really nice room, Filled with posters, books, and all sorts of stuff... We have so much in common and I cant wait to hang out with him again.. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, He is super skinny and very good looking, Ha maybe if I was in shape he would like me.. That will be my motivation!

I kept wanting to reach over and hold his hand, ... it was like this overwhelming desire lol... I was too chicken... I guess I just didnt want to reach for it and have him pull away... But I guess we dont learn until we try.. OH .... did I mention he was 17....Yeah... forgot about that part haha.. I will stop talking about it though because he is too perfect... and I dont fit with his "Dream Wall"

He has this wall where he posts things that he wants in life, some are really big tasks, Some seem almost impossible..But then I think of who i'm talking about.. I believe Jason can achieve all those goals, 1. Be on the Ellen Show 2. Get a Hott Boyfriend 3. Get married! So many posts, So many dreams and Ideas...

Okay i'm done talking about him!

I'm super tired, This post was....random... haha SO sorry about that

Thank you all for reading,

Oh and thanks for cheering me up Peter ;) I look forward to your future Blog Posts!

Take care!

I love you all!

-Joshua

...OUT....

The title says it all.. It definitely happened thats for sure..


I woke up this morning and waiting for The Warden to wake up, it was the longest wait EVER. I kept going over what I was going to say in my head, over and over..and over again...


I talked to E on the phone... and then my Mom texted me to come upstairs...and I almost lost it!

I suddenly felt like I was walking to the electric chair, I clenched my hands into my side and I tried to breathe, I don't think i'm being over dramatic here, so if that even crossed your mind.....Not Cool..

I walked upstairs and she sat down on the couch across from me, me being as clever as I am "forgot" to put on my contacts, the other side of the room where she sat was a mix of blur and colors....much easier...

I started,

"Mom, I don't want this to be a claws out, fight... I just want to start off by saying that it really hurt me to find out that you took away my movie, and you didnt even ask me about it.. that you took it to the bishop, without telling me...Now that said, is there anything you wanna ask me?"

By then I was already shaking , not because I was scared. It was because I knew that she had something already argued in her head, that she would try to make it seem like im this horrible person...

"Are you.......................................gay?" She asked... drawing out the last word... almost not saying it..

"Yes. Yes I am."

She then decided this lecture, "Joshua, that makes me sick to my stomach! You know that isnt normal, you can't have a normal lifestyle with two men!.....Joshua.. You realize what this means? That you are choosing this and choosing to split up the family in heaven.....Do you realize you'll never have a family of your own?...."

"Mom! This is normal! This is what I feel and what I want in life, You can have a normal lifestyle if your Gay, you can have a family! I could adopt!"

"That wouldnt work out! Life would be easy with a hetrosexual lifestyle....Do you think that you can have what me and Dad had.....You and a Man?"

I had tried to say calm through all of this.. tried to be level headed because I knew that if I started the screaming match, it would not end well...I almost lost it with what she said next..because I have a friend who's parents did the same thing...

"Do you need to go to counseling? do you need help with...this..?

I almost shouted...I am was so angry!
"I am not SICK! THis is not a disorder, disease or problem.. This is how I have decided to live my Life! I have a friend that goes to counsling and he is MESSED UP! He is with a woman now but cant get his mind off men! He is sick to his stomach all the time, he is messed up Mom!"

"Alright... if your going to choose to mess up your life this way, your going to have rules until you move out of my house... 1. You will obey curfew, if your not home by curfew, you cant go out again. 2. I never...EVER want to meet anyone your seeing, you are never to bring a boy around here, I love you Joshua.. I wont love any 'boyfriend' you have... 3. You cant talk or tell your siblings about this (the littler ones) I don't want them to perceive what you choose as normal! 4. You are to have NO GAY THEMED MATERIAL IN THIS HOUSE, I have destroyed your Movie (were the world mine) and you wont get it back, if I go into your room and see anything like that, GARBAGE! 5. You are to get a job ASAP (no shit sherlock) 6. YOu have to go to OUR Home ward EVERY SINGLE week until you move out..." So I wasn't allowed to go to my friends wards, another very deep hook she had in me, Hooks that I cant get out of until I move out of this HELL...If she wants to be this way.. See if I ever let her be apart of my Family.. its really too bad it had to be like this.. I hope she knows that it could have been so much different...

So much for thinking my home is a safe-haven! That I had to run down in my room and get my other Gay Interest movies..Knowing i'd never get my favorite one back.. as I said in my previous blog.. That movie was MY HOPE that things would get better.. that I wouldnt have to hide DVD's in secret drawers, that I wouldn't have to check my journal everyday, making sure someone hasn't gone through it.... It makes me sick to think of my house as this prison..this HORRIBLE PLACE...

I packed up my Dvd's and journals and I took them over to a friends house to store....My mom crushed my hope in thinking that things would be okay by destroying that DVD, I dont want to sound Crazy, Obsessed, or over dramatic...but she destroyed my Hope in ever thinking I could Trust her...That I could ever come to her with any problems...

The rest of our conversation was about "Who Knew about me being gay"

"Does E know?" She asked...

"Alot of my friends know that I'm gay and..."

"DOES E KNOW?" She said again

"ALOT OF MY FRIENDS KNOW MOM! They all support me!

"To think that I asked her...I ASKED HER about you!"

"Well I am glad she didnt tell you! It was not her secret to tell! It isnt anyones secret but my own! Her telling you would have ruined any trust I had in her or any one of my friends....!"

Then came the next question..and if I was as Evil as I could have been.. I would have answered truthfully and gotten his Ass , A 1st class.. Train Wreck TO HELL!

"Who.. was your last boyfriend.....was ALEX one of your boyfriends?" If you dont know what a 1st Class Alex is... go ahead and read back about him, I take back Every nice thing I said about him..and I sincerely mean the Rude comments, just so we're clear...

I thought about it.. only for a second.. two choices.... Let him finally get caught.. let him writhe and squirm as he explains to my brother-in-law, to my older sister and to my mother that we slept together... it was almost comical..But..then again Im not insane, extremley rude, or evil.. ..SO i said the words that Were.. Some what of a lie.. and somewhat of the truth... 3 words that saved his pathetic, sorry, whiney ass...

"Alex. Isnt. Gay." 3 words and he was free.... Your welcome Alex. You dont deserve it.. But your welcome. Does anyone here I am being to harsh on the guy? Oh good because I didnt think so... I could always say 3 words to drag him down to hell....But i'll let you figure out what those were.. I won't throw anyone under the bus, or reach into their dark closets and rip them out...


We ended the conversation with, "I've got to go" and I went downstairs and she rushed down and hugged me... too bad that little "Mother, Son" lasted only a moment before she burst out sobbing.

"I wish I knew what to say....I wish I knew... Dad would have said the right think....He was the better parent.. It should have been me....It should have been me Gone..and him here.....He was the better parent"

*mom exits...*

I just sat there and cried on my bedroom floor...I cried because I felt....Kinda...free...like.. This was just a stepping stone to my new happy life... Too bad the Hellish Prison collapsed around me.. More rules, no acceptance.. From my mother of all people... I cried because I realized that as free as I felt.. I was still stuck in this prison.. now turned into my own personal Hell... I cant have any of my movies (that of course were not Porno..just Gay love stories)

All I have is my Gay Pride Band.. I am wearing it no matter what...

I wonder what happens when I break a rule... Before I broke a couple..but now she is trying to hold so tightly to me that I just want to run away, just pack up enough stuff to life for some time and just...LEAVE.. is that what she wants?

To wake up one morning and realize that her first son is gone, that she personally drove me away, does she just want a note on my empty bed explaining why I cant live there anymore....In her Hell....

I have watched many Gay Interest/Coming of Age movies... The parents either accept..or they dont...and at this point.. I dont care..

My goals... Get a job... As soon as I possibly can.. Get enough money... AND MOVE THE HELL OUT....

Because I am sick of her, True you reading this will say "That she loves me, only wants whats best for me...." I dont see it like that at all...She has officially driven me Far Away... and if thats how she wants to play the game...

Then im taking my game piece out of her "Endless Chutes and Ladders" game. ... and moving it to where it rightfully belongs... In the game of Life...

Thank you all for your Love and support, I could not function, Live, or stay SANE without you all in my life... Thank you!

Know that i'm always here for all of you, just let me know when or where!

-J

How sudden things can change....for better..or for worse...

I will start out in this blog entry...with good news..


I went to the Mardi Gras Dance... It was soo much fun! My friends ditched me at the last minute but I had fun....well.. Most of the time..

I saw Carter there, I have been looking forward to seeing him all week.. Last night at the dance the first thing he says to me...is that he is Drunk, and High.... nice..

He ignored me for mostly all the dance, we danced once but other then that he was taking smoke breaks outside with random people.. So there was one of the reasons I had a slightly horrible time.. Other then that though everyone was very kind and accepting as they always are, Two boyfriends dressed up like missionaries, my friend Fred dressed in a Mini-skirt, High Heels and a tank top, and I wore my shirt, small jacket, fairy wings, mask and TONS OF GLITTER.

It was just so fun to be with everyone, dirty dancing, having fun, just.. coming together with Straight, Lesbian and Gay people, talking, laughing, making memories...

Its really too bad that the happiness didnt last... Got into the car to take Scott home and he told me that Carter had been texting him all of a sudden because, Carter apparently likes him. So there he goes again....getting yet another guy, whatever, Carter was not good for me anyway...

On top of that I get home, RIGHT ON TIME FOR CERFUW and The warden is awake, making sure I get home on time...These are the moments where I should have been more careful...I am so angry at myself for letting my guard down...for thinking for...a moment..and if only for a moment that I was in my Safe-haven..as HOMES are supposed to be..

I set my make-up kit down by the fridge to get a drink..I was so tired...I got a drink and I headed downstairs... I have always been so careful....SO CAREFUL...

I forgot that I had placed "Were The World Mine", one of my all time favorite movies.... in the bag, My friend did my makeup from the main guy in the movie....I wish I could have remembered it was in there..I usually treat it as if its a very precious belonging, hiding it when I wasnt watching it, and hiding it within other movies when I took it out...

I went downstairs and got ready for bed...unaware that my mom had walked into the kitchen and started going through the closed bag... She found it... and... Took it.

I woke up in the morning, everyone had gone to church, I looked around my room and suddenly felt like I was missing something, I tore my room apart looking for the movie that should have been right there... "Did I leave it at my friends house?" I first thought.. Then I realized it was in my car when I left her house... So that was my next destination, My Car.

I grabbed my keys and ran out to my car, I tore it apart, and thats when I remembered that I took it out of my car and put it in the bag of make up... But I couldnt find the bag, I had been too tired to remember where I set it down...HOPING that no one would have gone through it.. Why did I even put that trust in the hands of MY family..

I went into the house and found the bag, everything was there...except the DVD..

I looked downstairs, I looked in my sisters room, I even went and looked in my Moms room....hoping that my gut feeling wasnt right...that SHE COULDNT POSSIBLY OF TAKEN IT!

She was an hour late coming home from the church... She came in the house crying.. I dont know who she had been talking on the phone with, She came upstairs and I asked...not wanting to know the answer..because my fast beating heart and shaking hands...AND FURIOUSNESS already knew...

"Hey, did you happen to see a DVD in that bag next to the fridge?"

She stopped and looked at me, "Yes..."

"Okay, can I have it back please"

"Why...."

"because its my movie, I bought it."

"Do you even know what its about..?"

"Yes. Its a Modern Day Midsummer Nights Dream, and its about a Gay guy that goes to an all guy school, that is the main guy in the play.. and"

"Why would you watch something like that.. You say its MODERN like its NORMAL to be...."

(SHE COULDNT EVEN SAY IT! )

"And what about the party you went to last night....the one for LINDA STAY... do you know who she is?"

"Yes. She's a very sweet lady that is part of the cl...."

"The GSA....DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?"

"Yes, it stands for The Gay..."

"Straight Alliance" She finished...

"Yes, Its a club at Dixie College and im in it"

"So were there..." she stopped.... "..GAY people there?"

I didnt have a change to talk...

"Joshua.. We are going to sit down and talk tomorrow.. we are going to talk about changing things...that need to be changed..."

"Fine.." and not another word....

My older sister then came over and she came down crying.. telling me that she still loved me, that she didn't want to ever lose me.. that she was sorry if I was feeling like I was being pushed away..

WELL! I am not accepted.. I cant even by myself in my own DAMN HOUSE... I have strict curfew rules, when I've never done ANYTHING to betray that trust, MY MOTHER DOENST NEED TO WAIT UP FOR ME...but thats an argument for another time...She is contstantly telling me to get a job, to move out. Then she will turn out saying she doesn't want me to move out, Why mom? So i'll keep babysitting for you and (my sister)

IM just so sick to my stomach, I have called my good friend E, and we talked about what I should say, I have talked to my friend Jon, who understands and knows where I am coming from...

I just dont know how to bring it up, E has told me to start off by saying that I dont want it to be a claws out fight.. that I want to talk calmly and level headedly about everything, I will tell her that I'm Gay, that I am NOT a freak, That there is NOTHING wrong with me, that I have chosen something to make me happy, that she cannot force me to see things one way.
I still love the church, God doesn't hate me for being Gay, I KNOW HE STILL LOVES ME, and if He still loves me...she should too....I am still her son, no matter who I want to go home to! I am still that person that she raised.. I have just chosen what makes ME happy, and because it doesn't fit into HER norm...doesnt mean its not normal.. I will tell her that I have all my friends that support me...

I just hope we get it all out there... All said... NO hostility, No claws, just TALKING,

"This is a talk, not an arguement.. " I wont be going to any Straight Camps, or Therapy, I have a friend that he came out and told his parents... he is now a WRECK, NO JOKE. He went to counseling.. and he has a girlfriend now.. But does his parents know the things he texts me? The absolute NEED to be with a guy, they made him feel like he was sick, he tells me everyday.. I am NOT ending up like that, The end of my story will be in a house in Ireland with my husband... IT WILL... I will not be treated like I have a problem...

I will get my movie back.. I know its stupid to worry about that at a time like this..... But that movie is about Love, about being different..but being PROUD and Happy ...That movie is more then just a good movie.. it restores HOPE , MY HOPE every time that I watch it, it says to me, "Joshua, your different.. nothing is wrong with you, your going to be okay in life" Thats probably what bothers me the most...that my mother took away the Hope that it could have been easy, that coming out to her and my family could have been slow, and nice... any easier? Probably not.. But it would have been nice to have more acceptance instead of throwing me out in the spotlight with no script and yelling action...

I wasn't ready for this.... I wasn't ready to be thrown out there and torn open...

She won't accept things right away.. it might take a long time... all I know...as that im scared to wake up tomorrow... I know that when I try to approach it calmly, she is going to lose it somewhere and it will only make things worse..

I dont know what to do.. I might not even be able to sleep tonight.... Im just sick to my stomach...

And although i wish I could take back leaving that DVD, that ONE DVD that gave her the "evidence" of what she was thinking all along, what she suspected.. I am making this sound like im a criminal, I know i'm not.. Its my life.. My Choice... PERIOD.

Thank you all for your support, for reading and commenting, In person, text, message, Facebook, Thank you ALL for always putting up with me, Always loving me, no matter what..

I will let you know how this talk goes...Wish me luck.....

-Joshua

First time at G.S.A.

I have been in such a FANTASTIC mood!


I wish I could have written this last night but THE WARDEN was mad at me because I walked in the door at 12:05...no joke.. She was mad over 5 minutes.....


My friends talked me into going to GSA at the college which is the "Gay, Straight Alliance" Basically this fun club that gets together and talks about what is going on in the world, service projects we can do, and not to mention having a BLAST getting to know eachother!

Yesterday was the Opening Social BBQ and we got together in front of the dorms, hooked up my I Stereo up and blasted Lady Gaga, and at first everyone split into their own friend groups, but by the end I got to know EVERYONE and it was soo fun! I met this guy named Carter, but dont worry.. I dont plan on being lovesick over him, He is just so sweet and kind and fun to be around.

Oh so we first get there and there is a guy in a beat up truck and he gets out and has this Rainbow peace-sign necklace, he was waay funny! I met so many cool people..and some..not so cool.. There is this boy named Fred that is a little of the top lol, I tried my best to avoid him, but thats alright..

So this saturday is this Benefit dance for this SUPER NICE LADY! Her name is Linda Stay, she has cancer...which is so sad because she is seriously one of the most accepting people I've even known! She came to the Social yesterday and heard Lady Gaga on and she started Dancing with us....SO COOL! So the party on Saturday is themed around Mardi Gras , its at 8 PM...wait have I already talked about this....? Hm.... Anyway 8 Pm at the Dixie Gardner Ballroom, Admission is 5 Dollars and it all goes towards Linda Stay!

I dont know what to wear.... I bought 3 masks but I am not sure on the actual outfit to wear with them.. I could go Phantom Of the Opera looking, or go in Shorts and my tight white jacket..with no shirt on..covered in Sparkles..lol..HELP ME DECIDE!!! I love you all !!!


Thanks for reading!

Oh and no luck with Joshuas Journal in the library, they said I couldn't have it in there....but its all good, My good friend Lucy gave me the idea to put it in Starbucks, I'll have to do that


LOVE YA!!!!!

Please get back to me and help me decide on what I should wear! I will update you on me and Carter
-Joshua