"You'd think that by now i'd know cuz here we go.. here go again"

WHY!!?

Why do I always drive people off? Why is it that i'm the one that is used and then throw out because the other person either "Didn't have the same feeling, not sure about feelings.." I mean how many excuses how many stupid @ss comebacks with it take for me to get it..

Don't you hate those times where your suddenly the happiest you've been in a long time and it gets snatched away not 3 days later.. Its annoying and stupid and I HATE IT!!!

Yes I am talking about Jude... Why Did I even blog about him... I feel stupid even mentioning him to anyone... I should have not said anything to anyone... Why did I think he was different? Well maybe thats how he seemed.... Or how he is different. But not into me...

Since that amazing night he's only texted me a couple times, and.. I just should have stopped trying, but I kinda felt like something was there... Hell.. I DID feel something, I like being with someone so.. amazing and understanding and...I just... HATE that I let myself think that I could have had a relationship with him..

Maybe im being over dramatic, maybe its not other people, Maybe Scott, Alex and Jude are super good people and i'm the mess.. Im the screw up, Im the one who cares to much...

Alright your probably wondering what happened with Jude.. Its not that big of deal.. like anything I talk about..

After that night he said that we could be a "together" That we just had to go on a couple of dates, and I was alright with that.. but I finally asked him how he felt about everything..

He told me that he didnt want to go on any dates because he isn't ready to be OUT yet, but you know what, when he first requested the idea of dating a little first, I was super nervous, wondering where we would go, what we would do, hold hands in public or any of that, I was worried about my family , or his family seeing us.. but then I thought "What the hell, I'll do it." Because seriously..I want to try dating too.. BUT Jude told me today he isnt ready to be OUT, and I told him that he doesnt need to..

And all he said was that he would think about it, and that he was sorry for leading me on, sorry for hurting me. SO what the hell am I supposed to do.. I get used by a complete moron (Alex)

and I think, "I guess I just wont find my someone" Then Scott (that was just his idea that I shouldnt have gone along with)

And Jude, the perfect, sweet, caring guy and I was so excited that things were finally working out. Or I thought they were working out, "Here we Go again," thinking too much into something that apparently wasnt there.. But what did I misread, the kissing, cuddling while watching a movie, the holding hands, what did I possibly misread in all of this.

I dont want to think that Jude is another Alex...but its crossed my mind.. I hate comparing the two..but they do share one common thing, being confusing about EVERYTHING.....

I guess that this is mostly my fault.. I was stupid to think that there was a decent guy out there for me... that may sound overdramatic..but hearing how Jude had to think about us, that it was obvious.. that I fell for someone that didnt want me..

Was it something I said, something I did, Was I not good enough for him? Was I not as intelligent as he thought, not as witty or humorous...I will admit that I am needy but I dont care, I just....Tend to Care WAAY to much.. It doesnt matter.. I... I was so happy that night.. and I wish I could go back and tell myself that it wouldnt last.. that it would be a temporary high,

My family keeps asking what's wrong because I sat gloomy around the house (not unusual) but ask anyone.. I was happy and smiley and just....thinking about Jude, how happy he made me and how good it felt not to be so angry or sad all the time..

I wish I could just post on facebook how i'm feeling but.. my family tries too hard to decode it and their not even close..

I just want someone to want me.. I guess i'll have to lose weight.. get muscles and look appealing before anyone will even look at me..

Whats....wrong...with..me.....

I....just.......wish...............................

that life could be fair.... that... Love could make sense and for everything to last longer...I want a happiness that LASTS......more then just a couple of days...

I........................ should just stop wanting...

thank you for reading..

joshua

Hey Jude...:D

Jude......Oh my goodness where to start...!? He is not only super
goodlooking, charming, kind, sexy..Funny...oh the list goes on he makes
me smile just by being with him, Being with him makes any sad thought
vanish completly. He is (like bella describes Jacob) "My own personal
sun" I am smiling just thinking about his grin, I can close my eyes and
see him perfectly.

I never thought id love facial hair so much, so sexy and it
suits him. One of the things I love about him is he has an opinion, a very
quirky opinion about most anything.

His house in covered in paintings he has done, AMAZING, Spectacular
works of art that are truly breathtaking..

And kissing him... Kissing him is like ....nothing I could describe, his
lips so soft and gentle, perfect. I didn't even mind the facial hair, yes it was prickly but never in the way, and it never distracted from the moment...

I was laying on him and I was trying to hold myself up and he says "Why
are u putting your weight on me?" and I was about to answer and he
adds, "it better not be because u think your fat, because you are not,
in anyway fat"

I've ALWAYS been self-conscience about how I look.. but being with him, someone that is basically my body type...its so refreshing! Not to mention that he is 20 so not much older then me.

I mean maybe getting my hopes up is stupid..but being with him...I felt
wanted, Wanted for everything, everything about me. And trust me, I want
every fiber of Jude, so amazing in every single way, every aspect..

A part of me wonders if I shouldn't be reading into this, but..How could
it not mean anything, this was stronger then Alex, it pains me to even
try to compare...because there are none, Alex is a coward, a coward whom
I wasted my time with and I can let him rot.

Jude is so much different so much better no, make him 1000 percent better
then oh what's his name....

We watched a movie when I first got there, I was so nervous, I didn't
know what to expect. But once I got there he asked if I was nervous and
I said I was, and he just pulled me close and we cuddled, he would
randomly ruffle my hair or squeeze me tight. And me laying on him,
feeling his heartbeat, so nice and refreshing.

We talked about everything, life, school, jobs. And every time our phone's would buzz and i'd sit up to let him text or whatever it was, he'd look up and grin and pull me back, saying it could wait. Time stops when i'm with him, the world doesn't matter.. The fact that I have no job, a crazy, controlling mother, everything just fades and all I see is him.

You may be thinking that I fall too fast.. But you have to understand how impossible it is to think of us is anything but together.. The night was so amazing, the connection we have is...so unique.

With Alex it was rushed, and then we said goodnight,

with Jude we kissed and just sat and cuddled, so great...hes so...great..

The only thing I am stressing is wondering if I can be the perfect guy for him too..because he is already sooo amazing.. I just hope that he doesn't realize that im not some great catch...

He messaged me and told me that we should go on a couple dates and see where those take us, I am so new to this.. He is just so great..

He isn't out to his family yet, only to some friends, same as me. I just dont where or when we'd go on a date, should I ask him out on one, I really want to but I have only been on one real date.. and it was with a girl whom I only asked because my family kept ASKING and ASKING for me to ask her, so I did. And nothing happened I mean we went and saw a movie, no biggie. I just dont know what kind of date to go on with him.. Should I ask him to dinner... But where...Dah! This is why I dont date..It stresses me out! Why cant we just be together, as simple as that, sitting on the couch just being there, feeling his heartbeat, Is he saying that we should date before.. Is he not as into me as I am into him?

So I am basically this nervous wreck now...Hoping and wishing I can be good enough for him.. Any advice from any readers would be most helpful,

Oh...I wish I could upload a picture of him, so handsome...so funny...I miss him.. I may sound needy but I really miss him.. after going a day without seeing him I cant stand it...But I guess he doesnt feel the same way.. I feel stupid texting him about nothing, but I just like to hear from him... I am a mess I know...

I do have a little bit of Alex news but I dont want to ruin this blog by continuing the idiot.. for another time.. or. not.. :)

I wish I could put it in words how happy I am, and I hope it lasts..

Thank you for reading,

Write to you later,

-Joshua

Mixed Up....

Wow this has been a confusing couple days!

Let me start off by saying that kissing Scott was a mistake, I thought "Hey if he just wants to try it, I will kiss him and things will be okay" well I was Wrong.....VERY WRONG!

So we kissed, in my car. And I will say that I enjoyed the fact that I was kissing someone my age, and it was his first time so it was kinda nice.....But after we kissed, I took him home and that was that.

A couple of days later we were supposed to be going over to my friends to watch a movie, when he told me to keep driving , (and since I made the first move last time I wanted to see if he wanted to make any moves) DUMB IDEA! What was I thinking? After all he has told me that he Likes girls and says that kissing me wont change anything because he just wanted to try it. I know it was super wrong to keep it going if I really didn't anything to happen.. Because I'm not really attracted to him, which is shallow...ANYWAY!

We pulled into a parking lot by the rodeo and starting kissing again, and then he says, "Your really making me confused" and I didnt want that, so we stopped I took him to our friends house because I had to get home, The Wardens new rules... "No fun" "Home by 12:30" blah blah blah

So on the way there he grabbed my hand to hold and says, "I still like girls..but I like the way I feel around you, I like being with you" and I pulled away and said,

"You have to face the fact that you dont want to be gay, you just "like" being with me. I have been down that road, I am sick of being an experiment... I want something real.. So we are stopping this"

And of course he protested, but what else was I supposed to do? Did I really lead him on this much? I will admit I like kissing him..but I knew it wasnt real...Ugh...

So now he says that he might be falling for me, and I just want to be friends and move on... I am not going down that road again, I wont be the friend with benefits again...

Now brace yourself for a mood change, and no I am not a manwhore...I just want to find someone like me, and I found him a couple days ago...

Hes super nice, super cute.. We have been talking since I met him, behind the scenes of a play I was watching his name is.. Jude haha, I'll name him that because that is his celeb crush.

I had known him since the Halloween dance I went to, I thought he was cute, but he was with a girl and I thought they were "together" so I didn't want to bother.. But he was so funny! The stuff he was saying... hahaha good times..

So I added him on Facebook, then finally sent him message, we have been texting for the past two days.. He is friends with Scott and asked if I liked guys, and Scott told him no.

But I quickly found out that Jude was extremely easy to talk to, and I was debating whether or not to tell him that I was gay..

He asked me who my celeb crush was and I wanted to scream "Matt Dallas" because he...is...so ....BEAUTIFUL! oh my...You dont even know.....ANYWAY, Scott was afraid that people might suspect we made out twice...which is completly dumb to worry about unless he told someone...hm..Anywhoser, Scott told me to lie and so I said, "Victoria Beckam" Because she is super pretty but i'd rather bang her husband twice.. ya know what im saying...;) okay sorry its late and if I am bein inappropriate... FIND ANOTHER BLOG TO READ! haha ooo!

Anyway and he types back "Is that your real answer..., Hm well I guess I would have pick Cate blanchett"

and I just went for it, "Actually my celeb crush is a guy named Matt Dallas..." and he sent back a quick response saying, "I have no idea who that is, but mine would have to be Jude Law"

and I wrote back saying "Oh! I love Jude Law, so sexy!"

and he writes, "So I take it we are on the same.. "Team" then?" Ha. it was just so funny how it all played out. So we have been talking and I just found out that he isnt out to anyone but his close friends, hes 20, has facial hair but I can work with that ... :) Wow I shouldn't get my hopes up..

He told me he wants a guy that can hold an intelligent conversation... but I am not smart...at alll! So thats minus points...and I am kinda loco... so thats minus more points...hm...

Just got a text from him... He wanted me to go swimming with him tonight....DANG IT! Too bad I am stuck babysitting.....LAME! I hope we can hang soon...that'd be nice..

Maybe I fall too fast... I am working on it.. But all I know is that we have tons in common..and I am super glad to have met him, even if its just as a friend.

So there you go. A kiss, meeting someone new, and falling for yet another guy...I know Im a mess... BLEH!

Thanks again for reading,

Goodnight!

-Joshua

Good Week, GREAT movie, and a kiss...still not decided..

HEY I MENTION SOME STUFF ABOUT NEW MOON, SO IF YOU HAVENT READ IT, THEN...SKIP PAST THE NEW MOON STUFF.....:) THANKS

Wow, I am in such a good mood for 2:50 A.M.!

I dont know what it is, maybe the AMAZING MOVIE! I just saw (New Moon)

Or maybe...Kissing Scott.. Yeah...

Which to tell first? I am still not sure about Scott...and I didnt really want to think much of our kiss....ing.. .. But I am just not sure!! ALRIGHT THE MOVIE NEWS IS COMING FIRST!!

I have been counting down New Moon...for SOOO LOOONG! It was so strange to wake up today and realize that the day was finally here...I kept expecting to wake up, I know that sounds cheesy but I just looove those books!

Some people think its dorky or whatever to like Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn..

But I just looooove the fact that love overcomes all obstacles, Loved the books, and I am in love with Edward! I know... another cheesy line..but I just love the fact that he loves Bella so much.. I want that.. I want someone to love me sooooo much that they would do anything for me, and I of course I would do anything for them.

And of course everyone loves Jacob Black, okay let me get this out here, I like the actor not the book character!

Yes he is super HOTT, and sexy and....yummy.......WOAH! Sorry bout that. But I just dont like how he's always in the way!! I mean what is Bella thinking even LOOKING at another guy! Edward is a friggen Vampire! Vampires are HOTT!! How could you be with Edward then when hes gone, think about a Werewolf..? I mean its just not the same... But I guess it just comes down to if you like em' hairy on not hairy... Even tho Edward in the movie had some...interesting body hair...just gonna put that out there.... Haha okay I will probably regret some of these confessions once I wake up tomorrow...or.. Later today... If I offend you in anything I say...Sorry..

But Im prob going to keep doing it, so get used to it!

Oh Feisty today I know!

Anyway, New Moon was awesome! Can't wait for Eclipse!

(will till the Scott Story after this next one, dont worry) ;)

Alright, this week has gone okay.. Even tho ALOT happened

.. My mother has all of a sudden gotten it into her mind that she wants to move.. On sunday she said, "You know, I kinda wanna sell the house, but if not then i'm okay with staying here"

Monday: "Um.. Lets clean up the house I have some people coming over to look at the house to tell me what I need to do to sell."

Tuesday: "Alright, This is our realtor, he is going to put a for sale sign out front, oh and Joshua, get ready were going to go look at houses."

Wednesday: "Alright everyone, make sure your bedrooms are cleaned, There is lady coming over to take pictures to put on the website"

Thursday: Re-fixing the cabinets and making appointments with people that want to look at the house, A couple goes through the house..

I mean what is the rush all of a sudden, is it the memories that are here ? We already remember my Dad is gone everyday, she reminds us with all the stories she tells, the old memories. Good times, dating stories... I mean I love my Dad, I hope nothing I have said in these blogs have made you think anything else.. I am just still MAD that he left.. I think to how different it would be if he had never died....

Would we be moving? Would I be so open about being gay...at least to certain family and friends, or hide it to try not to disappoint...I could go crazy thinking about all the scenarios in my mind... ANYTHING other then waking up, starting a day completely oblivious to what was coming at 11 A.M... I wish I could go back to that day, and if I couldn't stop him from leaving for work so early...Gosh...he just...woke up and left...an every day routine...why that day... Of all the days he could have died, out of all the future years that could have been coming....What did we have such little time...I got 18 years... I have very fond memories of campouts I hated going on, him teaching me how to sharpen a pocket knife or make lemon squares.. He was such a good person...he drove me crazy..he picked and jabbed at me when I didnt want to hear it...telling me that I needed to pay attention in church, keep the preisthood so I could use it in my family.... When I never listened..and I still dont want to... I know what I want...and i just..wish I could be with men and still be able to be there for my family...but I know it doesnt work like that...

I miss him so much sometimes.. I dont cry around my mom or siblings anymore...I tell myself that he was in heaven.. that i'd see him again.. I have to be strong..I have to just.. deal with it because yeah...Im crying right now.as im writing about him and remembering all the good times, and of all the fights I wish I could have taken back...things I said....but no matter how much we all cry...he isnt coming back...I'll never hug him again for a loong time.....gosh.. sorry I got way of subject...but I just wanted to let everyone know that I miss my Dad....more then I can say...And I love him...But its so hard to live when everything we do, everything my family tries to do revolves around him being gone..Every holiday we go to his grave and bring something to put on his headstone, yes its beautiful, and nice that we have a place to go to know hes there..even though we all know hes not 6 feet under...hes in heaven.. but when does dwelling with the dead become a part of living.. The hurt wont ever go away, wounds heal with time but not giant holes...Like a busted wall we can replace it, paint over it...but every time we pass it we still remember there was a hole there..To someone walking by, it would be just a wall..but to the person who knew it was there.....the hollow image...never goes away... I just wish my nieces could have had more time with him...

Alright I know I promised some juicy gossip with Scott.. But i'll have to type it another night.. my tangent has got me thinking about my Dad..and I still feel ...Not ashamed..but..hurt that I KNOW he wouldn't have accepted me being Gay.. , you may think otherwise...but I know....

Thats enough for one night....

Goodnight. I'm headed to bed. Thank you for reading,

Your friend,

Joshua

Men I fall for; (Confusing, Confused, Straight, Married, In Denial or a Celeb)

Wow! So I am in a pretty good mood! HooShaw! Whatever that means..

I dont know what has got me in this extremely good mood...? I mean i've had a sucky day..

Me and Alex haven't spoken since we got into that little spat, so just a couple days...if even that. He called me today to ask...well he didnt ask really he said, "Hey I need you to come get me from my house at 2 and drop me off at my car" And being silly , stupid me I agreed to just because.. Idk..I wanted to think he had..magically changed and he was going to be nice.. I mean we haven't spoken in months, So I went.

I dropped him off and he told me to wait to see if his car was done or else I'd need to take him to work.. I was pissed! Ha, I was mad at myself for letting him talk me into doing anything for him because , seriously, I may be a whiney baby about what happened between us... But he didnt treat me right! ya know? ANWYAY , The entire time I stared forward, music up and just answered with a nod or a one word answer. And he didnt seem to be phased, I dont like to be used, its annoying! Maybe if he would have been...IDK polite about it..then I would have been nicer, but to call me up for that.. then bam, we arent talking again...thats bull! I wish I had the courage (well I wish I was MAD enough) to send him the link to this website and put in his email, "DEAR ALEX" That would make him squirm! But..then he'd probably freak out.. SORRY! Thinking out loud..here..:)

I dont like bringing up this next guy because I dont want you all to think im this Manwhore who just likes guy after guy so quickly and blah blah blah, But like I have said before ..maybe.. "I fall hard and fast" and now that I am done with Alex.. There is a new guy that.. seems to be into me, he says he is straight but wants to try things out with me.. his name is.. Scott.. ha.. oh wow that name brought back a memory of this sexy guy that worked on our house....Scottie the Hottie....good times...

Anway! So Scott has been hinting that he wants to try kissing me, since he's never been with a guy.. And I dont think im okay with that... I want real! Not .. Experimental! ya know? Or maybe im asking too much? I know im 18 , I have plenty of time to find Mr. Right.. But its frustrating to wait!

So anyway Scott says he has been thinking about me, that he wants to spend more time with me..but you know what... I am not that attracted to him..is that totally rude? I mean sure he is nice, and good lookin, but his personality..is no bueno..! He is kinda loud, and the days I think.. "Hey maybe I could try to.." and then he says something rude to me, or insults me, or says something I disagree with. Then the "attractive meter" starts to sink lower..

And sometimes over text he will speak for me , "Come on you know we wont to try this, WE WE WE" Have I already mentioned that? Its so annoying! Wow so this blog entry seems kinda all over the place.. sorry.. I guess im not in the mood for a certain topic.. just rambling..

The only thing im looking forward to in the next couple days is hanging out with my friends, we are seeing a play, should be exciting!

Okay well sorry for this completely random entry! I might delete this over the next couple of days...

Im headed to bed,

Thanks for reading!

Headache and heartache...

I was waiting to feel that need to blog again before I made another post..

It seems like the only way I can really get the story going is if I am really mad or sad about something.. Well tonight, im all sorts of emotions... I just dont know..

Had a family trip weekend, went up to Salt Lake, so you know riding in a closed space for hours on end isnt the most fun thing to do.. But once we got there and got settled in, things were okay.

We were up there for a tournament for my younger brother, but we decided to call my dad's best friend. We met at a park and He and my mom talked for hours about my dad, They talked of good times, of sad times,

After they talked for a while, he wanted me to meet his 17 -year old daughter, that my mom made it obvious she wanted us to meet... Of course I thought it was hilarious on how much she actually looked forward for me meeting his daughter, she was pretty but I just don't roll that way ;)

After awkward forced conversation we got back in the car and headed back from the hotel, my mom cried the whole time, telling us stories of my Dad. I love stories about him, dont get back wrong, but no matter how many hours you spend talking about him, saying how much you miss him, saying that it isn't fair that hes gone... He IS gone.. for a long time! So why cry every day when we can just remember the good times, I miss him too...... I just don't worry about it every day.. maybe that makes me a bad son..

Anyway so we got on the subject of my Dad's friend, and my mom told us about his kids, the girl I met was 17, he had an older son 19, and I think she said 2 more sons that live different places, but once thing stuck out about one of the sons, she told us that one of the sons was Gay, and of course thats when I really tuned in, to test her reaction. Of course my siblings chimed right in saying how gross it was that he was gay, and the way my mom said it, "Yeah one of his sons is... Gay" It bothered me! Why was so wrong with it!!? You seemed to like him before you knew that fact! I hate that judge him right off the bat,

I mean here I am, Gay and sitting right next to her and she is basically bashing me! I just wanted to say it, "Im Gay mom!" but she wouldnt handle that, besides I wouldnt do it on a long car ride where there was time for...I dont know, for her to freak out the whole way home , I think when I do come out it will be somewhere I can walk away if she freaks out to much about it, I dont know..

Sorry most of this will just a be ramble, the fuming anger that started this blog is slowly draining.. I havent even gotten to the part about Alex.. Yeah as if the world doesn't already revolve around him, every thought wondering what the hell I did wrong!

ANYWAY! Back to the Salt Lake trip, My cousin that lives up there wanted to go to dinner with my other good friend, Shay. So the three of us load up in the car and set out to go find somewhere to eat, and I thought they already knew or at least thought I was Gay, but i guess not. We were stopped at a gas station and my window was down and this cute guy walks out, collar popped and super good lookin, and my cousin says SUPER LOUD "Fag alert.. Guys!! look! FAAAAAGG ALERT!!" I was .. ... SO mad you dont even know! I mean I don't like that word! I HATE IT! In fact! Its rude! Did she think it was okay to just say rude things like that!

I turned around chewed her out, "That was rude! and Dont call people that !" and another few choice things that prob dont look to threatening and mean in text form but I made sure my point came across that I WAS NOT okay with her being rude! Why am I surrounded by these narrow minded, RUDE, people?! And people wonder why I dont come out, my family is just filled with rude people..

OKAY FAST FORWARD! To sum up the rest of the trip, saw a bunch of hotties that I could never have, was embarrassed by my family being around me, my annoying uncle that thinks its hilarious to make me feel miserable and embarrassed.. , Ice skating by myself, blah blah

Today Alex talked to me for the first time in forever, yeah we have talked over text once or twice but I like face to face conversations, and I miss them with him..Even though when I think about it.. I really gave everything I could to him, I would have done ANYTHING for him to express the same feelings I had towards him, To actually want me for me!

Anyway so he texts me and I just... snapped.. Usually I try to keep all the feelings inside because he always tends to turn it around on me so I feel stupid and horrible for making him feel bad.. which isnt right!

So I just let him have it saying that I missed him, saying that it was b.s. that we havent talked, because I thought were close.. And of course he freaks out saying that "he is so sorry he had to deal with a dying father, and a windowed mother that he had to take care of and not to mention that he had the swine flu ! So geez my bad that I didnt have time to hang out with you , "

Okay well that is all very sad, but I let him have it right back, "Dont turn this around to make me feel like s*it! I am just saying that I miss you! I MISS YOU ALEX! But you just take that as me whining about nothing, that i just complain and complain, I LOST MY DAD TOO! I have listened and taken care of my mom for MONTHS and the hurt doesn't seem faded at all, You had time with your dad! YOU HAD TIME TO SAY GOOD BYE!! I know that doesnt make it any easier, Not at all, but you HAD HIM FOR LONGER! " and he just put that he has to be there for his mom, that he never wanted to stop talking but he still made it seem like it was my fault for acting stupid and missing him

Im just super tired of still wondering if he is going to change his mind and want me back.. . I know he wont, He is pushing me away, I guess I will give in and leave, forget about the good times, im just a needy , annoying waste right?

I keep getting messages from this guy who says he wants to experiment, that hes never been with a guy, I think I am going to avoid that at all costs, whats wrong with me!? Should I just stop trying at all ? All I want is something real, no more straight guys that want to try me out.. I wont put up with that, I thought Alex really cared... I wont make the same mistake with this new guy.. I will tell him up front I want the real thing, or nothing..

I think im done venting.. I think i've said all that I wanted to..

Thank you all for reading, it means so much that people I know and care about are taking the time to read these blog entries,

-Joshua