Missing Something

I am sorry for being dramatic and ending my other post with a mere two words.


But in all the crying, talking and wondering.. it all comes down to two words. Its over.


I screwed up. I have said it millions of times, I didn't eat for a couple days. I just went to work and came home.

Dustin never spoke to me in person. he said it was easier over text.
Even though I screwed everything up, I still feel like he didn't try...at all.

My sadness slowly melted into bitterness, I feel sick to my stomach when I think about him because I can't help but wonder..was he it? Was he the one person in my life that came like a shooting star...so fast, burning bright and beautiful and left too quickly.

Part of me says to keep fighting...but he told me we werent meant to be, his posts on facebook are cheerful and he is always hanging out with another guy....he moved on in a week it feels like.

It doesn't help that we share some of the same friends. Ones that "Dont want to get involved" I feel so alone..all of the time..

And no matter how much I wish I could change what happened I can't. His birthday is coming up. I am not sure whether to get him something and send it with Megs and Alex to his party. Or not even worry about it.
The Taylor Swift song Back To "December" always reminds me of him.. I always disliked taht song when it would come on in the car when we were together because I hoped we would never need to feel sad when it came on.

Everything I do reminds me of him,... it kills me... Every smell, or places to go out and eat. Every thing has some linked memory that I can trace back. I feel even more like an idiot each time.

I'm sorry if Im going off on a rant. I just got my hopes up when I know I shouldn't have. I thought if I was honest with him 110 % he would see that I was honest to God, deep down sorry for what happened.

I feel like we put in enough time to make it worth it...should I give up or keep trying? Please...someone reading this...call me...text me...just...tell me what I should do.

I have no desire to go out anymore. I feel this hollowness that makes it hurt to try, to have to go to work. Knowing I wont be able to see him when I get off. Or walk into a party knowing that i'm alone now. That he wont be coming or sitting at the table waiting.


I'm so empty....



I've learned a lesson from this... "Don't do stupid things" Although it sounds silly I have learned my lesson...I've killed myself learning this lesson.. But what happens now? I learn in move on.. or keep trying...

Hollow....Alone....miserable....-Joshua