The Lovers Gate

Okay so I wanted to post this the other day but I had SOOO much on my mind I couldn't even blog it!


I went for a loong walk a couple days ago, across town. I passed houses and signs I have never seen before. Stopped in little shops that I had no idea existed, places that i've driven by soo many times but never bothered stopping.


It got me thinking, Driving is so impersonal. I met people on my walk, offered to carry bags in for a old lady (who quickly declined) maybe it was just me being in the mood I was in...just so inspired by everything.

The weather was wonderful, not hot and not too cold. It was a perfect in-between that I wish I could find in other places.

On my adventure I stopped by The Lovers Gate

I am not sure how long its been there. I drove by it often but I never REALLY looked at what it was. Walking past it gave me the excuse to see what it was,

It's a heart shaped gate covered with heart shaped locks, There is a small metal plate that tells all about it.

It's been used for proposals. It has names of lovers engraved on the locks, the date they started dating, first kisses, it mentions the date a loved one died. some of the locks even have pictures of family members loved and lost. So many memories, thoughts, Ideas, so many beautiful things in one small space its strange.

On the front of the gate there is a simple phrase. "Hearts Together, Love Forever"


Seeing the gate and realizing what it was made me cry. I could feel how much love each lock holds and It made me miss Dustin. Having someone there... I know he wasn't right for me...Because if we were meant to work out it should have. I screwed up. I've said it on here a thousand times. Keepig tally?

I have come to realize that i'm young. I am just starting my life and that leaves me plenty of time to fall in love, to fall out of love. To break hearts (not on purpose) and be Heartbroken. I want to one day , stand at the fence (or another just like it, I hear they are around the world) and add Me and My future boyfriend, and eventually Husband to the gate. To let people see that Love can overcome all obstacles..

My walk home was the most wonderful thing i've had in months, I really had time to pick through my brain and think about everything that was worrying me. I just realized that although some things in my life arent working out...There are more things going right then wrong.

I Have a really nice apartment,
A wonderful Roomate.
Amazing friends that will do anything for me,
Two amazing jobs,
A working car,
A new roomate coming saturday!
I have food...most of the time :)
A wonderful family... Though most of them aren't ACTUAL blood family

I will start being more greatful for everything.

I know its late to start New Years Goals but mine are ;
Get in Shape!
Be more Postive
Dance Like no ones watching
Be myself...NO matter what,
Help people out more


Oh! Random thought!

I looked at my Blog viewings and it says people from around the world have stopped by my blog, Its cool to see how detailed it is, though most of the "Blog Views" are from myself re-reading over them.
I want my blog seen more, though most is just whining.

If you live in my town, go find The Lovers Gate. If you dont. Then e-mail me and I will send you plenty of pictures I took of it. Research it and see if there is one in your town. Its worth it.


Thank you for reading,
I check up on all your blogs just so you know, so KEEP POSTING!

I remain Inspired, Thankful, Blessed, and... GAY!! ;)

Joshwah

Missing Something

I am sorry for being dramatic and ending my other post with a mere two words.


But in all the crying, talking and wondering.. it all comes down to two words. Its over.


I screwed up. I have said it millions of times, I didn't eat for a couple days. I just went to work and came home.

Dustin never spoke to me in person. he said it was easier over text.
Even though I screwed everything up, I still feel like he didn't try...at all.

My sadness slowly melted into bitterness, I feel sick to my stomach when I think about him because I can't help but wonder..was he it? Was he the one person in my life that came like a shooting star...so fast, burning bright and beautiful and left too quickly.

Part of me says to keep fighting...but he told me we werent meant to be, his posts on facebook are cheerful and he is always hanging out with another guy....he moved on in a week it feels like.

It doesn't help that we share some of the same friends. Ones that "Dont want to get involved" I feel so alone..all of the time..

And no matter how much I wish I could change what happened I can't. His birthday is coming up. I am not sure whether to get him something and send it with Megs and Alex to his party. Or not even worry about it.
The Taylor Swift song Back To "December" always reminds me of him.. I always disliked taht song when it would come on in the car when we were together because I hoped we would never need to feel sad when it came on.

Everything I do reminds me of him,... it kills me... Every smell, or places to go out and eat. Every thing has some linked memory that I can trace back. I feel even more like an idiot each time.

I'm sorry if Im going off on a rant. I just got my hopes up when I know I shouldn't have. I thought if I was honest with him 110 % he would see that I was honest to God, deep down sorry for what happened.

I feel like we put in enough time to make it worth it...should I give up or keep trying? Please...someone reading this...call me...text me...just...tell me what I should do.

I have no desire to go out anymore. I feel this hollowness that makes it hurt to try, to have to go to work. Knowing I wont be able to see him when I get off. Or walk into a party knowing that i'm alone now. That he wont be coming or sitting at the table waiting.


I'm so empty....



I've learned a lesson from this... "Don't do stupid things" Although it sounds silly I have learned my lesson...I've killed myself learning this lesson.. But what happens now? I learn in move on.. or keep trying...

Hollow....Alone....miserable....-Joshua

The Final Say

Its over. -joshua

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

The Great Mistake

I know its only been a week since my last post. But life as I've come to realize can change in a second. In one bad judgment call,


Me and Dustin are taking a break. I will not go into detail because I have been killing myself from the inside out. I made a mistake. A bad situation caused a ripple effect and I, for now lost Dustin.

I dont want to hear your judgments, replaying his face in my head over and over is punishment enough, I haven't heard from him in days and I'm hoping that he'll somehow give me a second chance.

The phrase "You dont know what you've got until its gone" is one i've heard many times but i never truly understood how important it was.

If I somehow get a second chance with the most perfect man ever, I will never be stupid, i will make him feel like he is the only one who matters, because losing him has shown me and people like him only come once a lifetime. I just hope i'm worth a second shot.

I haven't been able to really breathe for 4 days.. i'm on the 3 day from not hearing from him....

-joshua