Giving up...on Alex

I always thought that he would suddenly realize that... what we had wasn't just some...mistake.

I truly believed that he would change his mind, Yes I should just get on with my life but I mean I shared so many firsts, how can you just walk away from that.

And even if I wanted to just forget him, he is still around, he would still be there.. so whats the point in ending it when I will see him all the time!?

My really good friend says he isn't worth my time, and I know i should believe it but I really fell...If you havent found out already I fall hard and fast....

Speaking of I thought I could finally get over Alex, so I decided hanging out with a guy that I thought maybe might be into me.. that turned out sour. I brought up that I have kissed a guy (believe me it doesn't usually come up in normal conversation) And he said that he had wanted to try but never would, saying that he was "Straight" after I told him I have kissed a guy, yeah thats right I dont keep tallies or anything, but I stand at just one..

SOOO I was watching a movie with a friend (same one that I was having the deep conversation with) and Alex texted me out of the blue.. I was almost excited because I haven't out with him , or had a conversation in what seems to be forever..

He asked what I was doing, and I replied quick and short, "Hanging with a friend" and he asked if me and my new friend were making out, and I quickly replied, wondering why he brought it up..since he usually strayed away from those questions or conversations, fearing I would bring up what he obviously wants to forget.

I said "No! He isnt like that, but I do miss...the kissing and the physical contact..." and he replied back, "Sorry cant help you with that..." and that was it... I knew then that he finally shut me out. That any small hope I still had that we would go back to our...what I thought was normal.. was now gone, and it pissed me off! Why have all those good times and then end it, are all these weeks of ignoring me a screaming message to leave him alone?

Why is he pushing me away, why now, did I do something wrong, say something!? It just boggles my mind why I cant make anything work, why love and life is so frustrating...

I know for a fact that my life would be more easy without him in it, but you can just sever that friendship... even if that friendships plans get cancelled... and someone else is chosen over me in a heartbeat when it comes to plan making..

And speaking of plans, what about OUR plans? Our "stay-overs" or weekend trips... Why did we stop all this before we had THAT? I think it will drive me crazy until he tells me to my face that he never felt anything for me..

Because I would sure as hell like to know where his mind was when we were together.. Was he thinking of someone else when I was kissing him? Did he picture someone other then me ... for everything.. .ENDLESS QUESTIONS.. ones that make me want to tear my hear out. Eating away at everything.. I just want answers,

and yes if he was ever to tell me straight to my face that what we had was nothing, that it was a mistake, then fine I will deal with that when it comes, I will at least know what happened... not sitting here feeling like an ass and typing on a endless, whining blog..

Its quiet, good ole 3 a.m., I cant sleep of course because I am depressed, and angry and annoyed.. all these emotions and thoughts too much to handle..

Well thats enough about Alex, as if all the texts and emails aren't about him anyway.....I just cant get him out of my head, because maybe im afraid. That I wont find someone like that, yeah he was my first, but life just seems so far endless and empty when the person you want, and would do and give anything for wants nothing to do with you.

Maybe if it happened in stages, but to completly be cut off, yes it could be remorse from his fathers death, by my Dad died too! I mean I wont say I am over that , but I can get through the day and be fine, but Alex just.. doesn't let anything else in..

Its so frustrating to want to be there for him, to help him, or get something for him when he needs it.. but I know that he might and probably wont be there for me.. because we got too close... and even though we got THAT close.. it tore us apart,

Oh great I am rambling about him again, I was just going to add that, If I could go back and change that one day, that one day where we sat on the couch and... leaned in and experimented.. I dont know if I would or not, yes if we had never kissed, then I would never know what it would be like and it would drive me crazy, but look where that got us, that one kiss. It ruined our friendship, and I hate it. I think the phrase "Sex complicates things" is a true gold saying, because if we had never got involved he would still want to hang out with me,

He would have time to run errands with me and watch movies and talk, but now , flash forward to that kiss, he is prob home right now not worried about it at all. Because all he has to do is block it out of his mind, but I sure as hell hope he stops one day and all the emotions and feelings towards me , if any, catch up with him and I hope he is truly sorry for treating me like some stupid mistake.

DAH! *sigh* okay... I think I've poured my soul out enough for one post..

I haven't put any slips of joshuadepressed.blogspot papers around.. I am afraid of rude comments..

And if You do ever find a slip, dont go sharing it with narrow minded people, make sure that all that you show it to has nothing but a neutral outlook on all this if anything. Because this isnt some joke, some stupid forward you find in your inbox, this is my life, and yes I may whine and complain every post.. But this is my outlet, the only place (besides certain friends) where I can just unhidge the floodgates of emotions and feelings that i'm holding in tight..

I think im done for the night,

Thank you for reading,

-Joshua

"Forever or Never"

Hello,

I dont have much to say today, but that might change because I tend to ramble, as you may be finding out.

This weekend my mom wanted to go on a family trip to Salt Lake, I was dreading it because think about it, Me, the warden and the siblings in the same car...UGH!

But thankfully I had my music to get my through it, I will list the bands in a second, if anyone is still reading by the end of this. But I just wanted to make sure EVERYONE knew what great music I heard, maybe it will entertain them in a time of need as it did for me, I live for music.

Anyway, we arrived in Salt Lake, met up with weird uncles and that whole bit, survived it all with minimal mental scars..

Oh we went to an amusement park and he walked up to random girls and wanted to give them my number, my only embarrassment was ...They were responding to him.. I wouldnt mind if he asks of the cute guys that were passing, but I guess its their loss ;)

So I made it through the weekend, Lady Gaga , Space Cowboy and a new band "Cinema Bizarre" literally saved my life and kept me company the whole trip, I could listen to them for hours!

So look them all up,

Its Tuesday, I've had an okay day, barely hearing from Alex..which is no fun. He says he needs time alone, that I would understand. But I miss him, even though he is difficult and frustrating.. I miss him..

Oh and dont be ashamed in me but....I am running low on money, when my Dad passed I got a little bit of money (it wasnt a large number so dont bother freaking out) And I put it in my bank and swore I wouldnt touch it until it was time to go take a couple classes...

Well that fund had since shrunk..due to stupidity.. You see when I get really mad at the Warden..I just need to get out, so I go on the store and I buy a couple dvds, get food, and new cd's books on Amazon, and stuff like that..

I know its horrible...I am horrible son for spending the money I was going to use for college... But at the same time..I have never gotten the chance to live..ya know?

I sit at home every day , my friends always too busy to hang out, and when they can hang out I am not in the mood, or I dont want to spend money ( I get in those moods)

Its just frustrating, I just need to buckle down with my life, Go back to the gym, get in shape, and some how find a job..I guess I will have to settle for ANYTHING because I just...Need money ...I need to go to college, but I dont know what for..and that scares me..

I guess thats why I put off signing off, because I have no idea what I want to do, I know I like to write, I know I like to act..But I cant seem to apply to anything realistic...Ugh..I have a headache constantly thinking about all the options and smothered by the fact I am too afraid to make any of them work... I dont know what to do..

I just dont understand...Why did my Dad have to be taken, Why is Alex being rude and cold towards me.. Why cant he see that I need him, that I want someone to kiss and hold and just..BE THERE FOR... I just..hate life right now, and my very good friend says that things are going to be okay, that they were work out in the future...But i just dont see it.

This is random but.. I have an Idea about getting my blog seen..

I have printed out 2 sheets of just http://joshuadepressed.blogspot.com printed small with a slightly bigger title saying, "Joshua's Journal" and I am planning to stick them places that I love to be, a random coffee shop, in a movie theater chair, ya know just places where I go all the time, and I want to see if people come to see what my blog is all about...

Part of me wants people to see the paper and go and see my story, see it unfold and have them relate or comment or something... but at the same time...there are alot of narrow minded people in this town, I just dont want or like negative comments..

and although I want people I know to read this and know its me...I am afraid of just that, if I post this in a Starbucks, what if my friend finds it and makes the connection, do other people lose their dads and struggle with liking guys? Will it be a dead give away that its me? Or will people read it and...for a time feel for the random stranger...

I will talk it over with my very good friends, I really should give them on here...I will do some thinking ;)

I am headed to bed now, listening to the great music that you are hopefully looking up right now after you finish this,

Take care, and you are just tuning in and you saw the paper, thanks for coming, to truly understand you have to start from the beginning, but dont worry, its only 11ish blogs before this one, haha I love that I am giving instructions to people that might even take the time to look at this website..

I will ramble more later, and I will be putting these paper slips around,

Thanks for listening,

P.s. My title is the name of a song you should look up by Cinema Bizarre. As well as the other

artists, Live them, Love them, Dance to them!!

-J0$hU@

Hell House

Here I am..

SITTING at home, I had plans tonight. But of course The Warden had to work and I was denied my fun, because if its not her way, there will be blood.

She called me wondering how babysitting was going.. I told her that the sibs weren't home yet. And asked her if I could go to a friends to hang out and watch a movie, Of course she flipped out saying that she pays me to stay home with them on the nights that she works... That she only asks me certain times in the week, that I wasnt going ANYWHERE tonight, Wardens Rules.

And she hung up on me,

First of all....Little things piss me off and make me mad VERRY QUICKLY,

Being hung up on is one of them.

So I called her and said, fine. She won. Because if she doesnt win... My life is Hell. She makes me feel like a horrible person, FOR NO REASON! Like I said, its her way or NO WAY AT ALL.

So Im staying in for the night, while all my friends have fun, while all my Grad friends are partying, while everyone is having a good time. My life taken from me when my dad died, I know that sounds dramatic.. but its true,

I have so much to think about all the time, I have to cancel on friends because The Warden comes first, I cant leave my house when she is home because she cries and says she just wants family time. So let me get this straight mom.. I cant go out when your not home because I have to stay when my siblings can very well take care of themselves. And I cant leave when you are home because you want family time, ALL THE TIME? When can I have my time, the time where I can hang out with friends, forget about HELL HOUSE that I have to go back to EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.. . Always endless questions, Why bother even going out ,"Where you going, " Who are you with, " What are you doing" When you coming home? " QUESTIONS QUESTIONS QUESTIONS!

I am sick of it, I am sick of not having someone, Alex is just...Confusing, I want someone my age that I can kiss and hold and talk with and wake up the next day and talk about it, talk about the relationship, not to be afraid of what anyone might think. With Alex, the next morning, nothing really happened, We never kissed, we never did anything, because in the morning he remembers that he is afraid to be gay, afraid of what people might think. I am terrified to even think of how my family and certain friends would react, I am scared. But I dont deny things that happened when they did, I thought I could have a relationship with him, but when he wakes up.. Nothing happened, I am just a friend... Nothing more..

I want to move out, meet someone, and move as far away from here as possible.

Okay well I am done whining, my head feels like its going to explode.

I am sick of the warden, Sick of confusing Alex....sick of life.....

I just wish that I could have MY life.....

Goodbye for now...

-Joshua