Different Christmas and Other thoughts

Wow I put off doing my Christmas blog and now its 4 days after... is that how long its been.. wow I guess it doesn't seem like that much time has passed.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, filled with family, love and just being there for eachother.

The Christmas with my family passed by so fast I can barely remember what happened. My sister was up from Arizona and my other sister that lives here came over in the morning and we lined up from youngest to oldest as usual... We are usually kept waiting at the bottom of the stairs just waiting to go open presents and have Christmas Pancakes with Caramel syrup, and as we open presents my Dad walks around with the camera and makes comments about the presents we open and I knew no matter what I got that for this time it was nice to be with family...I would give anything to have another Christmas where I could be mad at my Dad for putting the camera in my face or asking me stupid questions on camera...

My Dad was also very good at picking out the latest, most cool thing out, not that we needed it, but he always knew the perfect present for everyone...

This year is so different and I know it will be... But I guess it just hits during different times how much I miss him..

This Christmas we were just called upstairs, no line.. Walked upstairs and just started opening presents, present after present fast.. (we are usually given one present at a time so we can I dont know.. enjoy it more?) I think this years whole "around the tree" lasted 10 minutes if even that, we didn't even sit down to pancakes till later and by them everyone was leaving to do other things..

What is so wrong with trying to cling to something normal and familiar, to close my eyes and feel like he is still here and its not different.... its not sad around the house we dont have moments where we break down.. Its been 8 months.. Can you believe that much time has passed... where did the time go? It just flew by...

Something was definitely missing this Christmas... I am not trying to sound selfish.. I know that its not MY holiday... but its a time where you family can come together and just...be together and happy and we were for the most part... But seeing my sister tear up over seeing my Dad's things, it just tears me up inside..

Because we have lived in this house for the 8 months that he had been gone, we have lived through the pain, sadness, guilt, ALL the emotions that can be expressed... and she left a week after the funeral .. coming back here is like he's just gone, that its fresh and when its a fresh wound for her, or for the people that haven't visited in a while.. it opens up our wounds.. and it hurts all over again...

I think i'm talking about Christmas.. because no matter how much I talk about it.. He's still gone.. I will have to help my mom put up the fake tree, get everything out of the garage to put on the tree, help her ask my siblings what they want...

I guess thats part of growing up.. I just think my older siblings had it so easy, moved out right out of the house when they were 18...Because they both got jobs right out of highschool and moved in with friends and i'm still stuck here...

Alright.. sorry for that little blow up. I am trying to be more positive because...I've been feeling better about life.. No I still dont have a job and I haven't signed up for college yet.. but I feel like things are okay for now...

No idiot guys playing my emotions, just me and myself...haha Oh and pictures of Matt Dallas... Season 3 of his show came out! I still haven't watched it! So whoever wants to have a Hottie with a naughty body Kyle Xy Marathon, Let me know! :)

Oh and I am thinking more and more about just coming out to my family.. I mean other people tell me its obvious that I am gay, (is it my rainbow necklace or Rainbow shoelaces...DOnt care!) I guess I shouldn't care about what people are saying about me... But I love going to the mall and checking out guys and just... being myself haha.. I even walked over to the calender section and saw a "Dream Guys" Calender and bought it... haha..of course I cant hang it in my room but...its still SUPER HOTT! Alright now I am just babbling!

To sum up this blog... Pay attention to every holiday, every birthday or family gathering and make sure to hug everyone and just...love the time your with them because you dont know if it will be your last Thanksgiving... Last father and sons or camping trip...

I know for a fact that family can be annoying and Hellish... That they can drive you crazy and make you hate them... but your kinda stuck with them.. so just...Enjoy it while it lasts..haha..

Dont quote me on that because I will probably be annoyed with my family at one time or another and I will write comments about them on this Blog.. Just know that I still love them, I still love my Mom even tho she drives me insane with her negativity and controllingness,

Alright im done for the night..

Hope all your holidays were full of memories,

I hope your families are well,

Happy New Year! (in case I dont post again till then)

I LOVE YOU ALL! Thank you for reading!

Great Weekend With Friends! Plus my Vegas Story

Tonight I dont have much to complain about..

Got together with some friends, I like the smaller groups where we can just talk about anything.

We started off by going Egging, now I know what your thinking. Egging is hurtful and messy and just plain rude, after all my car was egged once, having been mistaken for a friends, but i'm glad it was my car and not hers.

So yesterday me and my two friends were sitting around wondering what to do, and I suggested egging, but not in the traditional sense of it. We'd go buy eggs, write funny comments, or silly faces, and leave them on their doorstep. I was nominated as the runner because lets face it, everyone likes to see the fat kid run :) I know I have the readers rolling their eyes now, :)

So we stopped at this hunks house, always the asshole in high school, the pretty boy that was always too good to befriend me.. But..He's easy on the eyes so I forgive him for being himself. We wrote out the egg, with my obvious guy handwriting saying "I Love you" But just as I was about to leap out from the car into the night up to his door, the door opened and his little brother (15 or 16 who is good looking too) came out on the porch with his friends... so we didnt get to deliver that egg...but thats alright.. haha!

We then to a couple of other houses, mild comments and one comment that made us.. "Crack" up. To my friend reading, you know which :D

I think I want to do that more often, just get some eggs and leave them on the porches, and maybe leave a note saying they had been "Egged" or something...haha it was just fun..although reading back on what I've typed doesn't do its justice. Trust me... It was good times!

We then went to the movie "Avatar" and let me start off by saying that by the commercials I wasn't too excited to see it, because I dont really like movies about aliens and other worlds, it seems too far fetched and even though I have a over-active imagination, I just...have a hard time getting into the Scifi flicks... but this movie was different!!!

It was in 3-D, and it was about a man that was in a wheel-chair that is a ex-marine. He ends up on the planet "Pandora" where he is linked to a "Avatar" this shell of one of the natives on the planet where he is instructed to gain their trust...

Well he goes and finds out their world is beautiful! ( I will let you go and see it)

I just wanted to talk about the amazing visuals of the movie! It was literally breath-taking, the new wild-life, the plants just everything about the planet amazed me! The 3-D put you with the people and it was just...beautiful! One of the greatest movies I have ever seen I think.. It did drag out in some parts..but Other then that it was a non-stop, refreshing, amazing movie!

Oh but before the movie some "Cool" kids were behind us in line and I could hear them talking about me. And maybe I asked for it (wearing red eyes and sparkle/glitter) but I mean I like looking like a vamp haha , even if people look at me weird...So I wont dwell on what they were saying and who said..Even though I thought one of them was nice... ah well..

Well its Saturday, I am babysitting tonight.. the sibs are in bed.. FINALLY

Church tomorrow....Yaaaaay.. Maybe I might actually go..

Thats the good thing (well maybe not good..) about being in the college ward... I tell The Warden I am going to the college ward and tell the college ward I am going to the home ward... Then I just drive around.. I dont know if I've already told you about this... Just another thing I shouldn't do but don't care about..

OH! I forgot! I have re-capped everyone on my Vegas Trip!

It was...alright.. The drive up was horrible.. In the back of a hot van..not so fun!

But the company was good... most of the time, Scott did whine the whole way up because he wanted me to sit by him but I wanted to sit by my friend.....Oh hells his name is Jason, I dont really like him in that way , mostly because my friend Court is in love with them.. But I just like Jason's body.. there okay I said it! haha! He's a great guy and of course I would never try anything, just another one thats nice to look at .. is that wrong ? I Dont care haha!

We got to the hotel...SO AMAZING, great rooms! Of course my roomie was Scott, and the first night there we made out...Which I know is sooooo bad! But I just...I dont know....I think back and wonder what got into me, Maybe I thought I should give him a chance... That maybe i'd be nice to have someone...But I was wrong.. The next morning he kept joining in on jokes about gay people (that our other roomies were telling) and maybe I should stop taking offense over things..

Which reminds me (I know I am all over the place tonight...Get over it! )

While at the movies this guy sitting next to me, (whom I know but I wouldnt say we are friends) Was talking about how he passed one of his classes by telling his teacher that his dad died. And the teacher believed him and passed him... It makes me sick to my stomach....

So he gets to just get away with that... say whatever the hell he wants to get a passing grade...ALright sorry... BACK TO VEGAS

The rest of the time was filled with Scott being mad at me , going to the mall, playing fun Wii games and bonding with Jason and Court... who now know that i'm gay..I hope they dont go spreading it, as much as I am proud to be gay I am not ready for my family to find out...Even though to certain of my friends its "obvious" that I am..which bothers me a little because of my family knows then they should say something so I dont have to torture myself!

Sorry this has been a WHINE fest!

My mind is just all over the place and the fact I have dance music blasting through my headphones into my skull doesnt help the thought process!

I will just sum it up to life lessons now

1. Dont ever kiss a straight guy because he wants to try out being gay...

Because things will just get worse!! And I know I am stupid for agreeing... its my fault blah blah blah..

2. When going to vegas make sure you really know who your going with...

Crazy family of a friend are never fun to deal with... And family drama + closed spaces + friends = HELL :)

3....Boys are stupid...

They just are... My list of stupid idiots...

Alex, A mistake.. How the hell could I have thought things could have been different.. It drives me crazy how bloody blind I was....Asshole...

Kyle... Another mistake... I feel for someone THOUSANDS of miles away.. So it was my fault for thinking the right guy was so far away..

Jude... What a train wreck.. after I thought I found a decent guy.. He ditches me, making me just another one night stand, making me feel lower then dirt, Thanks Jude..

Scott.. I know that I might have started this train wreck, out of control emotional mishap, but know that if I could take it all back I would..

and the next guy....

Matt Dallas, Oh I have nothing mean to say about him! Hes perfect and yummy and perrrrrrrrrfect.. and sweet....has amazing eyes... ...haha alright i'm done!

The life lesson of tonights blog, Celeb Crushes like Matt Dallas never fail to disappoint.. just as long as you have an overactive imagination like me.. :D

I love you all! Seriously! Thank you for taking the time both in real life and in blog life to listen to what I have to say! And for being amazingly awesome! LOOOOVES!! Have a great Christmas!!!!

Also, I hope my cousin and very close friend's mom and family are doing alright..

If you ever need anything, you know my number! THAT GOES FOR EVERYONE READING! :D

-Joshua

Just For Now

The song "Just For Now" came on (by Imogen Heap) so I made it my title for this blog entry,

It kinda fits with my mood, because "Just For Now" i'm alright.

I have decided to just.. wait on relationships, because I either come on too strong or I misread things, but I am going to try not to sound depressed or be a downer this entry, but to those who know me best, know that I whine for no reason sometimes.. ANYWAY

I have had an alright week, had a Karaoke Night at Applebees, they have one every Tuesday 9-12, I love the atmosphere, everyone is either singing along or cheering, actually most people just lean in closer at their tables and talk gossip about the person singing, its just a fun place to be on a Tuesday night!

I didnt have the courage to get up and sing, but I got up there and dirty danced by the mic stand, And no one even paid attention to me, haha so I prob wont be doing that again! hahahaha

Then my DVD came, "Were The World Mine" about a gay teen in a small town in an All Boy School that signs up to be in the schools play, "A Midsummer Nights Dream" And he lands the role of Puck (No spoilers, this is basically everything thats in the summary that you can find on any movie review website, never fear)

And throughout the movie he has his little fantasies of how he thinks life should be (like how a simple dodgeball game can be choreographed into a ballet, and constant fantasies about This super hott High School Jock. In the movie (Timothy) The main character, finds the potion to make the "Love Potion" that Puck uses in the play and he whips it up, he soon finds out that it really works and he makes his narrow minded town take a walk in his shoes, and see life the way he sees it!

It was soo amazing! Cheesy yes, overdone at some parts but still SOOOO AMAZING!

So I finished that and then watched Glee (the last episode) I wont say anything because I dont want to ruin it for people who haven't seen it, but it was GOOOOOD!

Except my cousin and good friend told me that she thinks the last part was a dream, and being the hopeless romantic that I am I wanted it to be true so let me know if that was real or fake because i'm dying! Just to let her know I posted a question on Yahoo Answers and I am currently blogging around to find out, because she got me thinking it wasnt real and I WANT it to be real.. haha oh wow, what a waste of time to sit wasting that on something as stupid as a very good TV show :)

You know what makes me mad!? They said they weren't doing a Kyle Xy season 4 and that makes me sad! How am I going to get my dose of Matt Dallas! I love him! I AM going to meet him one day, haha!

Oh speaking of famous people! How many of you have heard of Michael Buckley?! Ha I ask that as if someone would actually answer right now.. if you haven't heard from him go to youtube and type in Buckhollywood or WHATTHEBUCK, and watch his videos!

He is an openly gay man that lives in New York and he is this big Youtube, Twitter, BlogTv star! I have loved him ever since I started watching his videos when I first logged on to youtube (years ago) He is super funny and he always knows EVERYTHING that is going on with Celebs, he recaps shows and has hilarious, and brilliant comments about EVERYTHING going on in the world!

I befriended him on Myspace and he sent me a message which basically made my life, and I got a Twitter because everyone talks about it (all of my fave celebs) and I found out he had one and started Tweeting... Yeah I am so new to it.. I dont know what i'm doing, and if I'm even writing a message! Then I found out BlogTv, that Michael has a broadcast every Thursday and Every Sunday where you can LiveChat with him!

I joined with all the fans and talked about EVERYTHING, life, tv shows, events etc, waiting for him to get on, and he answers questions and talks to everyone. And I typed, "Hey Im new here, Love your videos, You are such an inspiration love ya!" and he looked at the screen and was like, "Hey Buck_Lovah (me lol) that was my screen name ;p and he said, "How are you doing, welcome, its good to have you here" and basically sat there and talked with all of us, He is soo cool!

So that made my night! He is super nice!!

Alright, adding on to my already awesome week, I am going to Vegas with some friends tomorrow! I am so excited to get away from home!!!! WOO!! haha

I really need to buckle down and find out what I am doing for college and get a job already, I will have to keep my eye out..

Anywhoser, I will cover this next subject very quickly so I dont bore any of you with my love problems..

Jude is history, wont talk to me, went with us to a friend outing and didnt even look at me. So I am thinking he just thought what we had a was a one-night Stand.... Which is super lame and Wrong and I hate him for it.. but anyway,

Scott told me last night that he liked me... Which was obvious says my cousin, but I guess I just figured that I should just...I dont know not make a big deal of it because he just seems so confused.. and I told him I dont want a relationship because I seriously just dont want one with anyone for awhile...

My cousin says I pulled a "Jude" on him, when I dont think thats true I mean, I just kissed Scott because he kept bothering me about trying it out, and I will admit that I like him.. But only a tiny bit, I just don't know...bleh!

Anyway so there my week, sorry for not posting forever, I wasnt really in the mood and had nothing to talk about, I will take TONS of pics in Vegas, and since I know all my readers I will probably post them on Facebook the day I get back, But till then..

Take Care, eat lots of fruits, drink a Yumberry pomegranate Sobelifewater that has been in the freezer for an hour (the best slushie EVER) and remember to SMILEEEEEE lol alright im done :)

Joshua