I know I keep saying that I wont blog anymore. .But believe or not.. it gets hard sometimes when all the thoughts in my head are just stuck in there.
When I blog I just open my mind and it literally just flows like a flood down my arms, into my fingers and carefully clicks at the keys until i've poured it all out. Its relaxing because I feel like no matter how difficult the world seems, it feels nice to know that my blog will just.. take all I have, all the negative energy, all the gossip and rumors. Blogs don't judge what you write down, they just simply sit and listen.
My blog tonight is just... how moments can effect us. I think i've talked about ripple effects in previous blogs, but its strange how one moment can really change who we are.
I saw the movie Easy A, tonight with my friend Micky. One of my Housemates.
The movie (No spoilers,I promise.) is about a girl Olive (Emma Stone) that lies about losing her Virginity to help out a friend, that one choice creates a chain reaction of just...well you'll just have to see the movie. But it got me thinking about the mini Drama that goes on in my life.
(I know I shouldnt complain about boys on here because thats all I ever do.. But this has got me feeling quite down. Though I know I should just move on.. anyway... Story time!)
So theres this boy, His name is Sean. Wow as soon as I typed that sentence I lost all drive for blogging tonight , haha maybe because I know its worthless talking about it, or maybe because it involves so many other guys (which makes me sound slutty but trust me,.. Its a long and pointless, on-going story.. ANYWAY
So he is in all the plays at Tuachan, I met him through my roomates. He's basically everything i've wanted in a guy, He even gets my random jokes or, i'll randomly say a line from a movie and he's the only one who knew the title. He is also hilarious and could make everyone laugh, so one night after all of us had a sip or two of mind slurring liquid... We kissed. Ha I think in the big book of kisses, this on lands in the back, you know where i'm talking about, the very back where it just lists random authors and publishing companies, no one ever reads that page.
I am getting ahead of myself as I often do. Sean has a boyfriend. They are actually pretty cute together, Sean and Rick, the happy couple. Anyway, my roomate told me that at the party he said I was cute, that he wanted to get to know me (which I was shocked thinking a guy like him would even look at a guy like me. ) So i got talking to him, found out he is amazing, ha our conversation actually started with his head in the toilet expelling various strong liquids and me saying... "Are you okay man? " Imagine my suprise when he lifted up his head and smiled at me, it was Sean. So I got him a glass of water, and we got talking.
We like all the same things, and in a moment he put his hand on my face and said to me, "Thanks for the water" (dont worry this isnt the part with the kiss, he had just barfed! Come on now!)
In that moment.. everything changed. To me it was a gesture of thank you, I was sitting right next to him and I had just helped him get some water. But to any outside viewer it would appear most scandelous, For the shadow that eclipsed the small over head hall light (which sounds super dramatic now that I think about it, because the person in the doorway (Rick, Sean's man was incredibly short. ) All it took was that moment, him seeing us to plant an idea in his head. (That I was trouble.) Rick took off up the stairs and huffed as and tried to talk to him, not that I owed him any explanation for the NOTHING that had happened, but to apologize for having it look like it was something it was not. I explained to him that I got his boyfriend some water, and we talked. Simple as that.
His boyfriend didnt like me after that night, when we would hang out and i'd be excited to see Sean, Rick would always be holding his hand or cuddling up next to Sean. Which made me a little mad but, hey I knew they were boyfriends, and I never get the happy ending, so I didnt know why Rick hated me so much.
Weeks passed and we hung out occasionally, then one night a event was planned where he and Sean would come over and play board games with the roomates.
They cam over around midnight and we set up a drinking game that someone had made up with playing cards. Each of us had picked our poisen and got busy playing the hilariously funny game, all the while I couldnt help but see Sean giving me funny looks and winking at me when Rick wasn't looking. No for once it wasn't in my imagination, I just had this feeling that had things be different, we could have gone on dates and had fun... Woulda Coulda Shoulda.. anyway, I devoted all my time in to talking to Rick, making him laugh, making special efforts to just try to appear to be the nice guy out of all of this. Because truthfully, I didn't WANT to break them up, it was my soul purpose to keep their relationship in tact, even though I had a crush on one of them. So I ignored Sean's looks and sexyisms and we ended up drinking away.
The game got old and everyone went upstairs, I announced that I was going to get a movie from my room to watch upstairs, I know its bad, but since I'm already going to hell i'll share with you a little secret wish I had. I wished that the laws of everything right and just would point in my direction, I wished that Sean would follow me down. Just so we could talk... we had so little time, and I felt like I was running out of time to get to know him. So I decended the stairs, not looking up to see him cuddling on the couch with Rick. I got to the bottom step when I heard his voice, and the couch making a noise
"Wait up, i'll help pick a movie" So I went to my room, which was clean...thankfully. And I started looking at the movies, he came up behind me and just held onto me, I told him I really liked him. That I knew he and Rick were cute together and I didnt want to mess up anything between them... He started kissing my neck and my heart literally sped up so fast it stopped all together, in a rush of messy thoughts I was torn. I really liked him, this felt nice.. But I knew deep down that at the end of the night, he'd be with Rick. And i'd be alone. So I simply said, "You should stop, if Rick see's this he'll freak!" and then he kissed me, Quick. Not even a second, he pulled away and just looked at me and smiled...I'd give anything to just have that moment last a second longer. But as Great moments tend to be, it was gone. All that wondering if he would ever like me back, the inkling in the back of my mind where I swore that look he gave me was more then he let on.. It just felt so nice. So we picked a movie, and went upstairs. Rick didn't even look at me, he was busy talking to my roomate to even notice I was gone.
The movie idea turned out to be a dud because we got a call from my friend to go over to his house, so my Roomie that hadn't been drinking drove us over there. Tall and beautiful Shalex driving, Megga Legga in the passenger seat, Britters, Rick, and Sean in the back, and me in the very back, open trunk area. The ride over was blur but Sean kept looking back at me and he'd look me up and down and smile, then Rick would catch him looking and smile at him and they started kissing.
This next part is a little fuzzy for me, but I shouldn't blame it on that... I knew perfectly well what I was doing, I could blame it on the drink, but that would be lying. Sean put his hand on my face WHILE kissing Rick and slide down to my chest and then down to my hand (dont worry not too dirty..wrong, but not dirty) and he squeezed it. So now I'm feeling.. Not sure.. Like a slut maybe, here he was swapping saliva with his boyfriend while holding my hand in the back seat...player...ANYWAY
The night went on with more looks, then when we got back to the house. They left without a word. Sean texted me an hour later and he said that he was sorry for kissing me. The fool I was I texted back "...you know what...Im not" Because truthfully, I was happy I got to kiss him, even for a moment. But he had told Rick and that confirmed all he thought about me. Rick was now completley sure that I was scum. Even though it wasn't my fault Sean kissed me, the fact that I liked it was probably really horrible of me.
So the days went on and me and Sean texted occasionally, he said that he wanted to hang out before he left for New York to be in a play, my time with him was an hourglass with only a few more grains, I knew that nothing would change between him and Rick, and I was a horrible person for maybe having a tiny flicker of hope. On the morning of his big going-away party I got a call.
I had been on the fence about going because I didn't want Rick to hate me, but I needed to see Sean again, its kinda like a inner torture thing with me, like you know when you get your braces tightened and you bite down and it hurts like hell but at the same time it feels somewhat good, so you keep doing it. Thats what its like with me and guys I cant have, If I see them everyday i'm reminded that I cant have them, it hurts like hell but I'd rather have that then not seeing them at all...
So I got a call from one of my Roomies, telling me that I could not attend the party that night. (Before the party was going to be at our place so I HAD to be there) but Rick planned it some where else on a whim, (wonder why) and called my Roomie and told her to make sure I didn't come. Rick told several people at the party (which some people asked about me) that I couldn't come because I had a crush on Sean and he didnt want me to be there.
So I sat at home. Wondering if Sean even cared that I couldn't go, I stayed away and I stared at the ceiling just thinking. Thinking how one moment can lead to another.
If I hadnt been at that party that night, I wouldnt have ever helped Sean down in the bathroom, Rick would have never seen us and had idea in his head to hate me. That party started alot of ripples that unhinged my "normal" life. That was the party that my Mom kicked me out of the house , Flash forward to where the ripples end in some places, I'm now living on my own, broke as hell but living. Rick hates me, I am not sure if Sean ever even liked me or if I was just one guy he could never do, That one night changed a lot.
Moments can change everything, for the good or for the bad. I learned that I can somewhat make it in life, I have the help of some pretty amazing friends, one being my amazing awesome cousin E, for letting me sleep in her guest room, for doing a million favors in more, that I hope I can repay one day.
I guess what the obvious point is of this blog... Take all the moments, whether they be good, bad, ugly, beautiful, inspiring, depressing, Lovely or hateful, take them all and just trace them back, remember how you got there , why you got there, and never forget to live in the Great Moments because once this is all gone... that's all we are going to have.
I can learn my mistakes, but thats what life is about... remembering all that we've done....
That one time I was rebellious and went to a party
That one time I helped someone throwing up in the bathroom, who turned out to be this amazing guy.
That one time we talked in class one time and ended up close friends years later
That one time you were cutting my hair and we talked about Boy Drama for the first time
That one time......Remember it, cherish it, live , breathe it, own it, never be afraid to make the wrong decision..it could very well end up leading to a right moment.
__________________________________
See this is what happens when I dont blog for a while.. it just...flows out in a SUPER long blog weeks later...
but I stand by what I said, im not perfect. To hell with anyone who thinks thats how they should be.
Love you all, thanks for reading... for those who made it to the end, you get a gold star.
Joshua
