Wow.
I haven't posted in a while.... I guess I just haven't had anything to talk about.
My job is lame. They've been cutting more and more hours, so that means i'll probably have to go get another job...
I move out next week to my cousin E's house.
I just dont want to be in the way, I don't want to just be some person that interfering with their lives.
I don't have much savings, I am saving all that I can and its not much..
I have to go get my car re-registered, but I need to find insurance first.
My mom is being very unhelpful in that department, I've never heard of half the questions and terms they ask.. its all too much to handle, so I dont even know if I am looking in the right places for stupid insurance...
I've packed up my room. It's almost scary to look around my room, at the empty walls and the 4 boxes... Those 4 boxes..
How cant 19 Years of life fit into 4 Boxes... its crazy!
My room echoes now, No posters, no funny quotes or comments... just blank....
I'm sad to be leaving. But I know its for the best..
Even though "The Plan" requires me to move back in with my stupid mother,
Live at E's for 2-3 weeks,
Move back in with the Warden until I can move out with my friends.. I hope I can save up enough by then,
I dont know when I'm going to start applying for grants and stuff for school.. Another thing that no one will really help me with, I mean sure then tell me to go to this building and get this form and turn it here but.. I've never done this before.. I have no clue how to do ANYTHING...I feel so stupid !
All i know is that I need to apply soon so I can have money to get a laptop, the one my sister gave me almost 2 years ago doesnt work anymore... My head hurts..
I'm just tired of not knowing....
I know moving to E's will make me a bit more sane, but I just already hate the fact that i'll have to move back into insanity in 2-3 weeks.. But I guess I shouldn't look at it like that.. I'll look at it like its a 2 week vacation from my family... from the loud, obnoxious people that torture me..
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On a strange note...
Its been a Year since my Dad died. I was going to write a blog yesterday but I was too tired.. lol, But a Year ago yesterday I woke up at 11 and got a phone call from a sobbing Mother that my Dad had died.
I can still see that moment in my head, hear her voice as she said "Hes dead Nick...Dad..." and I said, "Your Dad? Grandpa? Oh i'm sorry..." and she said... and I can just hear it.. why wont it leave.... "No Nick.. Your Dad..." I just remember getting down on the floor and hanging up the phone and just holding my head.. I was suddenly the most dizzy i've ever been.. and I just screamed... "Its not true... WAKE UP ITS NOT TRUE" Ha.. sorry if i'm getting too personal with everything, but The Day replays in my head.. over and over.....
The day fading together.. picking up Aubrey... watching her face.. just.... Oh her face as she walked into the office..."Aubrey.. sit down, somethings happened"
Fast forward in my mind... to something that I hope to never see again... I wish I could just take it out of my head... You dont know how.. much it haunts me... Going down to my little brothers elementary school..... Calling him in.. seeing him walking down the hall.. smiling... 9 Years old and no clue what was about to happen.... Safe in his world.... Where he woke up to Dad leaving for work, going to school, learning, playing with other kids, coming home from school and waiting for Dad to get home to play in the yard or go hiking...
"Sit down Zac, we need to talk to you." He looked at me... Oh God.. ..His eyes.. looking from me to my sisters back to his principal... He just nodded... Why Did God want to see the light fade from my brothers eyes? TO see the life RIPPED OUT From underneath us? I am not sounding dramatic but I saw the future sucked right out of Zac, No more Dad. No more camping trips, no more yard work with Dad, no trips out to the dump when we'd stop and get some burgers, just the Guys. Oh it hurts...it hurts to look at him and wonder if he is going to be okay..
One Year Ago from Yesterday was the worst Day.. A Day that should have been like any other day... Where Dad would go to work and come home. Why take him when he was only 45 ? That is nothing in the scheme of things...
I'm sorry for being dramatic.... Just getting in my blogging...........
I can feel that my family is doing better about him being gone, I only cry when I blog about him and I really look back and wonder why we had such a short time with him
I'm done blogging for now.. Probably for a while, after next Tuesday I wont have a computer.....
So I guess this is goodbye for now.....
thank you for anyone out there still reading...
-joshua
